THE ART AND HISTORY OF FLATTERY
with author Richard Stengel

Wednesday June 14 1:00 p.m. EDT

Did you know that flattery is an adaptive behavior that has helped mankind survive since the caveman days?

Today's guest, Richard Stengel, author of You're Too Kind: A Brief History of Flattery is online today to talk about the various uses of flattery throughout the ages. From the God of the Old Testament, to the troubadour poets of the Middle Ages, to Milton's Satan, right up to Monica Lewinsky's love letters to you-know-who, flattery has thrived in every historical setting, oiling the machinery of everyday life. Log on to find out why and how this behavior has lasted and changed over time.

Richard Stengel, the new editor of Time.com, was most recently a senior writer at Time and has contributed to The New Republic, The New Yorker, GQ, and MSNBC.com. He is the author of January Sun, and collaborated with Nelson Mandela on Long Walk to Freedom.

Take a look at Jonathan Yardley's recent review of this book in Bookworld.

Send your questions and comments to Richard Stengel NOW!

Bethesda, MD: Who designed your adorable book cover, and how did you convince your agent and publisher to sign off on it?

Richard Stengel: Ah, therein lies a tale. The artist is a woman named Laurie Rosenwald. The publisher had been coming to me with a bunch of rather unexciting notions. I was suggesting what I thought were unorthodox ideas for the cover. And then suddenly, they did this cover that even I blanched at. And since everyone who saw it laughed, we all decided, what the heck.

DC: What's the best way to flatter the powers that be into giving me a raise?

Richard Stengel: Subtlely. Obliquely. Sociologists tell us that flattery, like water, flows better doward than upward. So flattering your boss can be tricky -- mainly because he thinks he deserves it anyway. I would praise her for things that she's a little uncertain about, rather than things she's confident about. Don't always agree, but agree on those things where the boss needs support.

Somewhere, USA: How does the self-esteem trend relate to what you've written?

Richard Stengel: I actually think the whole post-war obsession with self-esteem is a kind of mass self-flattery. Self-esttem movements often help boost our confidence regardless of merit. That's not a terrible thing. But the idea that work is not involved is kind of a bad thing. I'm not in favor of undeserved praise; I'm very much in favor, though, of giving praise where praise is due. I'm not sure I answered your question, though.

Arlington, VA: Do you think flattery works better than sneakiness or brute force?

Richard Stengel: Ah, well. Flattery is often a form of sneakiness. (But never of brute force.) For example, all the sages of flattery recommend third party flattery, that is, flattering someone behind her back. So if you want to ingratiate yourself with someone, praise her to someone else who will tell her. Very effective. And very sneaky.

Silver Spring, MD: Anyone who's watched C-SPAN has seen members of Congress flattering each other to death. It's true that this behavior is part of Congressional protocol, but isn't there a connection between flattery and people who run for office? In other words, aren't people who run for office the types who want and need to be flattered constantly?

Richard Stengel: I'm one of those folks who at some level believes that the desire to run for president ought to be a disqualification for doing so. I do think too many people in public life are there because of a hunger for esteem. I remember when covering campaigns I used to be exhausted at the end of the day, whereas the politician always seemed energized. Well, the reason was he was getting applauded and venerated all day. That's a heady brew that often distorts their judgment.

Bethesda, MD: Can you explain why you included the God of the Old Testament in your book?

Richard Stengel: I've always thought that Yahweh was a pretty unsavory fellow, and only when I started writing this book did I realize that it was because He was so insecure and desperately needed to be flattered. People who are internally strong, I think, need flattery less than those who are not. And the God of the Old Testament is really more like a willful and insecure teenager who can't quite figure out what will make himself happy.

D.C.: I seem to recall that you used to work for Senator Bill Bradley. Talk about a stiff, humorless guy! Could anyone flatter him ever? He seems pretty immune to the weaknesses of we mere mortals.

Richard Stengel: It's true that Bill is not a flatterer. And yes I did work for him during his campaign. Bill subscribes to the old sports dictum that when you tell someone that something is "pretty good" that is high praise. I would say that immunity to flattery is a virtue in a politician. And, by the way, he has a good, dry sense of humor -- and he should show it more.

washingtonpost.com: Interesting that you have that view of politicians. I've always said that pols are the Washington, D.C. equivalent of rock stars: they're in constant need of praise and adulation, and they're surrounded by staffs who protect them, do their heavy lifting, coddle them, cover for them, take the rap for them.

Richard Stengel: I agree. Washington is the closest thing to Renaissance courts where flattery was necessary and demanded. In walking around the Senate and House offices I never ever get the sense that these folks are public servants -- it's we who seem like the servants to them.

washingtonpost.com: One of your tips is "Never ever be candid when a person asks you to be candid". Why not?

Richard Stengel: Because when people are asking you to be candid what they're really seeking is reassurance not truth. The question usually comes out of some need to be bolstered rather than to be leveled with. And when someone is seeking reassurance and you give them criticism instead, that's doubly wounding.

Somewhere, USA: What do you mean that flattery is "in our genes"?

Richard Stengel: I think flattery is a subset of what evolutionary biologists call reciprocal altruism. Reciprocal altruism is something that is an evolutionarily adaptive behavior. You know, one good turn deserved another. Flattery is also a kind of mutually rewarding exchance. And if you flatter the alpha male, he can help you get your genes into the next generation.

washingtonpost.com: I love the "tease" tip, also known as a roast compliment: "You lazy old bastard, that was some deal you pulled off". Your caveat is that this is generally a guy thing. I take it that arm punches are optional?

Richard Stengel: Arm punches definitely go with it. They're a kind of punctuation to the compliment. I guess I've never notices women saying to each other, "You lazy old broad, well done!"

Washington, D.C.: Is there a connection between flattery and culture? Latins, for example, are considered to be great lovers in part because of their ability to flatter members of the opposite sex. Is there one group that's more likely to flatter than another?

Richard Stengel: Latin cultures have a lot more ritualized flattery than we have. And I generally think that is a good thing. The Spanish tradition of ritualized romantic compliments -- "You're beauty strikes me dead" -- are ingrained in their culture. And remember it was Casonova who coined the great seducer's apothegm: Praise the beautiful for their intelligence, and the intelligent for their beauty.

DC: How has the art of flattery changed over time?

Richard Stengel: I think it's become more personal and less ritualized. In the Middle Ages and the Renaissance, once praised the office more than the man. As the idea of individualism became more important over the centuries, we have learned to praise the person more than the office.

Somewhere, USA: What about receiving flattery from someone who is clearly b-sing you? How should you take it?

Richard Stengel: Say "thank you." It was Machiavelli who said never to expose a flatterer because that undermined your power over him. Think about it: if you said, you lying son of bitch, you've exposed the flatter. But if you don't let on that the person is b-sing you, you have that much more power over him.

Bethesda, MD: Southerners are great flatterers too, as are the Irish (and it's no coincidence that the majority of long-time southerners are descended from Irish immigrants).

Richard Stengel: One of my big regrets about the book is that I don't go into Southern flattery. Southerners are more gracious than we mean-spirited Yankees and flattery is more ingrained in southern culture. You know, you can't just thank someone for a gift, you have to say it's the most wonderful darn think you've ever seen and you've spent your whole live yearning for it.

Silver Spring, MD: Interesting that you released this book now. Do you have any thoughts on the "I Love You" virus? Can you imagine what would have happened if it had been unleashed over Valentine's Day??

Richard Stengel: It would have been even more of an epidemic. Yes, I think the dark genius of the person who created the virus was that he -- or she -- found the perfect verbal missile that would penetrate almost everybody's defenses.

Somewhere, USA: I met Bill Clinton a while ago. What a sexy dude! He really knows how to flatter a woman. Do you think that's why Republicans hate him so much?

Richard Stengel: I'm not sure that's why Republicans don't like him, but I think he's a fabulous flatterer. He not only flatters people with words, he flatters them with attention. Remember all those stories about him being an "aerobic listener" -- listening is one of the most effective forms of flattery known to man -- and polticians.

washingtonpost.com: I remember reading that one of Pam Harriman's most intoxicating traits was that she could always make you feel like the most important person in the room. She had that fixed, adoring stare that made whoever she was talking to feel like the most important person in the room. Interestingly enough, Kato Kaelin (!) also has this gift (I'm not kidding -- you should have seen him holding court at the Correspondent's Dinner a few years ago). To what extent does body language play into flattery?

Richard Stengel: Yes, they all seem like their besotted with you and you're saying the most fabulously interesting thing ever uttered. Great flatterers mold their bodies and their minds to the person they are trying to flatter.

Somewhere, USA: How much pressure was placed on courtiers to do the right thing in terms of flattery? And how did they gain access to the monarch?

Richard Stengel: Courtiers' flattery was obligatory. The competition was who could do it in the wittiest way. I write about Castiglione who coined the term "sprezzatura," which was the courtier's great skill: the art that concealed art -- and that went for flattery too.

Somewhere, USA: When does flattery fall, well, flat? Are there some people who just aren't good at it?

Richard Stengel: I like to think I'm not very good at it -- but I'm probably just flattering myself. People who are heavy-handed about it are not good at it. People who are not creative about the way they use, and use superlatives like, "You're the best!" are not very good at it either.

D.C.: As a journalist, what role does flattery play in your profession?

washingtonpost.com: Trust me, when you're trying to persuade a reluctant person to come online or go on the air, flattery can count for quite a bit.

Richard Stengel: Sad but true. I think there is a kind of structural flattery between journalists and their subjects. When you tell someone, I want to interview you, that is flattering by its very nature. And I'm afraid that there are a lot of journalists who go much further than that. The most sycophantic journalism in the world is what passes for Hollywood journalism.

Somewhere, USA: Hollywood must be ground zero of flattery. Can you talk about that a bit?

Richard Stengel: In Hollywood, gross flattery is the minimum coin of the realm. You have to flatter people just to open the door. A friend of mine asked me recently how I had liked his movie, and I said it was "good" -- and he honestly thought I was deeply insulting him. Praise there has to be over the top to be considered praise at all.

Somewhere, USA: How about fundraising for political campaigns? Flattery or threats? Or both?

Richard Stengel: I think there's a kind of mutually assured flattery. The politician implicitly flatters you to get you to give, and you flatter him by giving.

Somewhere, USA: Do you think flattery is a good thing or bad thing? As a woman, I confess I kind of dig it -- provided, of course, that the man providing it is attractive and not a creepy stalker type!

Richard Stengel: I generally think it's a pretty good think. That it oils the social machinery of life. Women, by the way, tend to be more skeptical about flattery than men. But of course I can tell that you are beautiful and intelligent woman from your question.

Somewhere, USA: Is there a difference between praise and flattery?

Richard Stengel: I define flattery as strategic praise, or praise with a purpose. I'm not sure there is really such a thing as disinterested praise. But the purpose can be a good thing, such as when we praise a child for cleaning his room. The purpose is not always Machiavellian.

Orlando, FL: Speaking of politicians, the Brits are great at this flattery, too. It's great watching Prime Minister's Question Time and seeing people refer to each other as "the right honorable gentleman", etc., when you know that they're really telling each other to get stuffed. Wonderful....

Richard Stengel: I agree. But they are also much more candid with their insults. I remember the first time I ever went to Parliament I heard a member from the Labour back benches shouting, "Shut up, you old bitch!" to Mrs. Thatcher. Very unflattering.

New York, N.Y.: Was there such a thing as flattery in the Puritan culture?

Richard Stengel: The Puritans liked to think of themselves as the anti-flatterers. Flattery was the gilded coat of the Old World that they were trying to get away from. You could even argue that thinkgs like papal indulgences were a form of flattery that they were rejecting. Straight talk, they believed, didn't have room for such embellishments.

Silver Spring, MD: I've always found that lightly touching someone on the arm as I speak to them really works. What do you think?

Richard Stengel: Well, I think it depends, for one thing, on whether you're a man or a woman. It's certainly an attention getter. But I think some people can regard it as an invasion of their personal space.

Downtown: Why did you write this book? It's a great topic, and I'm surprised no one has really delved into it sooner.

Richard Stengel: Well, people delved into it a long time ago. The Greek and Roman writers all wrote essays on "How to Tell a Flatterer From a Friend." The answer, by the way, was what they called "parhesia," or candor. I think we moderns shie away from addressing subjects like flattery because we like to pretend they don't really exist.

C-ville, VA: How do you nicely deflect constant flattery from a co-worker who is a complete sycophant?

Richard Stengel: I guess you can keep saying "thank you." Or you could, of course, say "You're too kind." It also depends on whether you want the co-worker to know that you think he's a smarmy little weenie or not.

Washington: Speaking of "straight talk", I always thought it was brilliant of John McCain to name his campaign bus "The Straight Talk Express" (although let's face it, he was less than straight about a number of things). Isn't this approach a kind of flattery to voters?

Richard Stengel: A most shrewd observation. (And I'm not flattering you.) Yes, the most flattering thing a politician can say to the voter is, I know you want and can appreciate straight talk. And, this, as you noted, can be deceptive as well.

WDC: Differences between "Yankees" and "Southerners" have been mentioned in this discussion. What are some of the differences in flattery styles of different age groups in the US? And different ethnic groups?

Richard Stengel: I think older people use a more gracious and ritualized form of flattery than younger people. Look at how things like e-mail have amputated the old flattering salutations of Dear TK and Yours Sincerely. Asians, for example, have a lot more of ritualized flattery embedded in their language than Americans do.

washingtonpost.com: Thanks so much for a fascinating hour, Rick. What wit and intelligence you displayed! And I also want to thank all the participants who had the excellent taste to tune in today.

Richard Stengel: All I can say is, You're Too Kind. But to the participants, I have to say they were wise, thoughtful, and incredibly good-looking.