Carolyn Hax The Washington Post

Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers under 30 advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there - really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 32-year-old displaced New Englander and eight-year newspaper veteran with still-married parents, three older sisters, a mad-artist husband and way too many shoes. Her "expertise" (she added the quotation marks, we didn't) is in bad dates, school pressures, strict parents and dubious decisions, and she specializes in stupid teenage stunts, which she likes to call "learning experiences."

Today's talk ended at 1 p.m. Check out the transcript below or read Carolyn's column from today's Post. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column. She will not be online Monday night because of the holiday. Until her next discussion at noon, Friday, Jan. 21, feel free to e-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

Nation's Capital: Hello Carolyn,
My girl friend of about 2 years demands that I call her from where ever I go to prove that I am where I told her I would be -via caller ID-. I have been totally faithful, and I think she knows that, but why the suspicion and should I run from this relationship?

Carolyn Hax: I don't know, and yes. Either you did something for which she is never ever going to forgive you and for which she has found no internal resolution, or you're still doing the bad thing and she doesn't have the strength to just dump you, or you did nothing and she's too insecure to tie her own shoes without wondering if she was up to the job. None points anywhere good.

Middle America: Hey, Carolyn,
Your columns and chats are cool. You seem to be able to see right to the heart of things. I'm sure you'll have some advice for me.

At 26 I married a man three years older. Now I am 32 and he is 35.During the six years of our marriage I've grown up a lot, something
I should have done before the marriage, I know. That's the problem.IF I had been more grown up I don't think I would have married the man I did. In a lot of ways he has been more of a mentor to me than an equal. He supported me-financially and emotionally- while I finished school. He has taught me a lot. And he knows that I have not always been the person I am now.

At work people know me as competent and confident. Men find me attractive. And I find myself itching to date. Yes, I am scum.
The problem is that a guy who wants to fool around with a married woman doesn't seem like a very good prospect. And a cheating woman doesn't seem like much of a prize, either.

So, back to the marriage. My husband is not a bad guy, but I do feel uncomfortable that he knows me so well and that we were not really on an equal footing to start with. Does this make any sense? I don't know what to do. I feel guilty about the urges I'm having towards other men. I feel dis-loyal toward my husband who seems old and un-exciting.
And I feel sad that I'll never again feel the excitement of a new relationship.

Carolyn Hax: Hey, thanks.

It doesn't matter who you married, you're not having that new-relationship excitement again. Oh well! Dealing with that, obviously, is easier if you're in a happy marriage, but the loss you feel is a loss all married people feel. Dwelling on it is not the way to make it better.

Neither is dwelling on the maturity imbalance when you got married. You've caught up now--great. Have you tried to change the dynamics with your husband to reflect that? From your question, it seems like you're the one dwelling on what you used to be, feeling embarrassed that he knows the truth.

My response to that is, so? Your family knew you when you sat in your own poop. Does that mean you can't be relaxed and happy with them?

A lot of the elements you control right now are things you're using to make yourself miserable. This attention you're paying ot other men can be used to goose things with your husband. Your daydreaming about alternatives elsewhere can be used to work out alternatives at home. Your shame about your past can be used to shed better light on your present. Etc.

I'm not going to say that changing your attitude will make everything rosy and new, but changing it is a necessary start, whatever you ultimately choose to do. Right now, all your decisions are being made in the negative, get-away-from mode, and decisions made that way rarely turn out to be wise.

Melbourne, FL: Hi Carolyn, You seem very hip to solving work problems and I've got a HUGE one. Within 2 weeks of starting a new job, a jerk at work -male- gave me a breast crushing hug, put his arm around me -side of his butt pressed into mine- and, the final straw, but his hand on the inside of my thighs, fingers inward and squeezed -we're talking inches from important spots.- ALL of this was unsolicited and rebuffed. When he rearranged travel plans -mine- to suit his -up to & including cancelling my rental car so we could "ride together"- I quietly asked if I could postpone my trip.

Well of course word leaked out. I made the mistake of confiding in an older female engineer. She reported the events to HR. HR swears all participants to secrecy. Jerk tells his buddies & the Queen Bee at work and now guess what?

Yep, I'm a prig; no one talks to me; open hostility; active sabotage...what does it take? This was such a perfect job for me, but can I overcome all this hostility? I sincerely recommend that women out there either get ready to slug it out on the spot or get felt up. My life at work is a living HELL. -9 person office....only one person speaks to me.- The offender is treated like the poor sweet misunderstood "victim" of my strident feminism.

Carolyn I'm a 45 year old single mother. I NEED this job. I just didn't want to take my chances and wrestle with this Jerk -married- out of town.

Is my job salvageable? How do I repair. This is sooooo unfair, it's sent me back into stress-induced bulimia, something I thought I'd conquered.

Sorry so long. I'm just so confused about how to repair whatever offense I've committed.
Gratefully,
The Unwillingly Groped

Carolyn Hax: Oh dearie dear.

Are you getting treatment for the bulimia? That's the first thing you do. Quickly, please.

After that, I have to confess my discomfort with workplace issues like this because I'm not a lawyer, and so I'm going to be unaware of a lot of your options. What happened to you is harrassmant, and illegal--and I believe what continues to happen, the freezing out, is illegal as well. (Lawyers out there, pls chime in.)

What that does for you, I'm not sure. You should at least contact an attorney and find out. You might ultimately decide not to provoke, but deciding that before you know what your rights and options are is a cop out. HR is another option -- we at a distance love to see these jerks found out and fired, but that's because we're at a distance. It's your call. In the meantime, conduct yourself with dignity and STOP BLAMING YOURSELF. You did NOTHING to set this mess in motion. I have a feeling your shame is behind the bulimia, and, really, you can't do that to yourself. Life is tough enough without our attacking ourselves for no reason.

Recap: Therapist for the bulimia, lawyer for the harassment. If you're worried about the expense, I have no doubt women's crisis centers are ready, able and willing to step in. E-mail me if you need help locating one: tellme@washpost.com

Carolyn Hax: Big questions, bad pace. I know. I'm sorry.

Arlington, VA: I have been dating a guy for about four months and I'm having a great time with him--except for when it comes to making plans. We're both horrifically busy -I work all the time and he is active in a lot of things-, but he refuses to make plans in advance--always "not sure what's going on, let's talk later". In fact, the few times we've managed to make plans in advance, he's conveniently canceled. This is weird, because we see each other most nights of the week, but it's always a last minute, "hey want to get together tonight". It's sort of weird because a- I work all the time so I'm never sure in advance if I can get together either and b- we always go to his place, so the ball is sort of in his court to extend an invitation. Does this seem like a reasonable explanation, or am I being a total doormat?

Carolyn Hax: I'm leaning toward doormat. Start inviting him to your house or out to dinner--last minute even--and if you don't advance the ball, punt.

Fairfax, VA: From todays column:
An extra warning to the 20 year-old being pressured into marriage by the 30-year old; he sounds super-controlling and I'm sure it will only get worse! Think hard if this is the right person for you.

Also, why does he expect you to do all the planning for the wedding? I hope he knows how to use a phone, too!

Carolyn Hax: Yeah, the wedding-plan thing bugged me too, but I had to cut that part for space. He nags, she works--great balance of power there, guys...

Old Town Show Down: Help! My co-worker has mutated!

A once generally friendly and nice person has become and outspoken jerk. His confidence has turned into controlling-outspoken -often rude--better than everyone attitutude. It is not just professional either! He lets loose uncalled for opinions at every turn. I called him on it last week and his reasoning was that he just doesn't have the time or patience for others -the underlying theme, they don't do things the way I would do it-. Other people complain, but say nothing. I am happy to ignore him, but it is happening in meetings. Any ideas for an anti-venom?

Carolyn Hax: Humor always works. And if everybody's in on how obnoxious this guy is, he's already irrelevant. That's a grin to keep in your pocket.

Wash DC: Hi Carolyn and Esteemed Prodcuer:

Sticky wedding shower question for you. A dear friend is getting married in September. Since the wedding is super-small, I am not a member of the wedding party -yipeee!- but am helping out behind-the-scenes. The problem is that the bride's mother and sister are a bit flaky and I don't count on them to put together a nice shower for my friend. All this is complicated of course by geography, so two showers are not really an option. Do I a- step in and take control, b- offer to help with planning, etc., or c- butt out entirely?

Carolyn Hax: The bride's mother and sister CAN'T plan a shower--that would be in extremely bad taste. Family-thrown wedding showers are seen as crass solicitation of loot.

If there are any non-fam members in the wedding party and if (and only if) you'd really enjoy throwing a shower, contact those bridesmaids and see what you can arrange. As for geography, choose the site with critical guest mass.

Other option: Plan a nice lunch the day before the festivities. Since everybody'll be traveling already, showing up a little early isn't that tough.

Displaced Washington-er: Hi Carolyn,

I think I wrote you before about this, or at least I thought about writing you before! In any event, you always give bs-free advice , so perhaps you'll have some for me.

My boyfriend and I have been happily dating for 2 years. We are both 26 years old and working hard on our careers, graduate school, and each other. However, neither one of us is ready for marriage yet. How do we answer the family and friends who ask when the big day is? "None of your business" seems a little defensive, and he thinks that "We're not ready" undermines the relationship. What do you think?

Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: Anything nicer than "bite me" is nicer than people deserve.

Hello, if you're out there asking this question, CUT IT OUT.

But none of this helps you. (Though I feel much better.) "We're happy the way we are, thanks" seems like a nice non-answer.

Arlington, VA: I don't think Middle America has grown up or matured as much as she might think if she's willing to dump her marriage and forget about her vows because she's feeling antsy. Every single happy couple I know went through a difficult patch during the first 5 or 7 years of their marriage. While it's difficult going through it, your marriage only becomes stronger coming out the other side.

Middle America should stop being so selfish, and work with her husband to save their relationship.

Carolyn Hax: You go!

Herndon, VA: In your response to Fairfax, it seems like you used the actions of one guy to make a genaralization about the way all men act. Why do women always do that?

Carolyn Hax: Why do people hyper-senistive to generalizations always generalize right back?

Why does that strike me as so funny?


"Guys" referred to the couple in question. Chill.

Bellevue, WA: Dear Carolyn:
Bravo for your answer about smoking... In 1982, I was given the same choice: "I hate your smoking; you're going to have to choose between me and cigarettes." I pushed my luck, finished the cigarette I was smoking, and promised myself that if I was ever in front of a firing squad I could have another one.

I've had one more cigarette--the night before we got married. Everyone should have someone who loves them enough to try to make them quit.

Carolyn Hax: Thanky. A lot of people objected, saying it has to be the smoker's decision to quit. Of course it does--and the smoker can decide to keep smoking, too, like I said. I just don't buy that the smoker needs to do anything to be "ready" beyond saying, "I quit."

Yeah yeah, I know it's hard. Everyone who uses "it's hard" to keep smoking is still just making an excuse.

Lex, KY: I am going out of my mind. It's the feeling of failure that chokes me. Watching people around me shift to new positions while I stay put: earning the same wage without insurance, vacation or the option to get sick since September 1998. I have looked for a new job since April and have had small nibbles but nothing that will help me get out of debt, move out, or sustain myself.

My boyfriend and I broke up so I could date someone else. He's a wonderful person, but we're both emotion-filled people who tend to clash. Most of the time we get along swimmingly, but sometimes we're both selfish and that can be bad. My ex-boyfriend still looks at me like I ripped out his heart. I probably did.

My parents and I don't get along. I'm the youngest of 3 and only girl. My Mom says things like "do you know how to work a deadbolt?" and my Dad once said "you don't know what the *$#!) you're talking about" when I was trying to explain a huge pothole was impossible for me to miss at night. They're good people, but they don't listen to me, opting rather, to watch TV. When I try to explain how I feel, they try to justify if it was their doing.

I don't know how to deal with these stresses. Do you have any suggestions of how I can keep from going further out of my mind?

Carolyn Hax: I could give you a point-by-point "try this" kind of answer, but when you're not functioning well in love, work and family--on three major, if not THE three major, fronts in your life--the place to start is counseling. Things don't have to be so hard.

Vienna, Va.: Carolyn,
Any advice for people going through a MAJOR career change? I am 25, and have been in the IT industry for about 4 years. I have realized I hate the industry and have no interest in furthering myself here. What I really, really really want to do is be a vet tech. I am well informed about the job duties, have some experience from a few years ago and will be going to school to further myself. I mainly got into this field because of the money, but I am finding it isn't worth it. Of course, I would like to land a job now as a Tech. Even the pay cut I am expecting and can afford to take on. Any advice on how to present myself? Any books I should read?

Carolyn Hax: Dunno about any books, so why don't you just call a vet tech? I know a few myself, and they're some of the nicest people going. Also some of the most egregiously underpaid, just FYI.

Washington, DC: Over the past year or two, I've come out to myself as gay. I haven't told anyone yet, but I'm getting to the point where I'm sure enough that holding it back feels an awful lot like lying. I have a wonderful best friend whom I would like to tell. The problem is that she's been very sick lately -in a mental hospital, taking time off college- and I'm afraid that finding out something so shocking would make her even more confused and distraught. I feel like I need to come out to someone soon and if my best friend weren't sick I would definitely tell her first. Doing anything else would betray our friendship. But since she is sick, would it be simply selfish of me to tell her? Or would it be worse for her to find out in a year or two and know that I hid it from her even when I was quite sure of it? I'm confident that she will be supportive no matter what, but since she sees me as one of the more stable parts of her life, it could be very upsetting for her. By the way, I'm a college sophomore.

Carolyn Hax: You aren't lying to the friend if the issue doesn't come up, so I'd tell her only when it would be a lie to say otherwise--e.g., she quizzes you on your love life. If you're still worried about the shock, you might want to talk to her therapist first. I'd say to wait till she's out of the hospital, but certainly if this news would upset her (might not, after all), she'll be in a heck of a safe environment.

In the meantime, as a student you have access to all kinds of GLBetc organizations. Talking to people there will help you find your way out of the closet, since every single one of them will have been through that door before.

Anytown, USA: Hi Carolyn! I need your help here. Early last year I got married to a wonderful man and things couldn't be better with us. The problem I'm having is that we moved to a new town recently where the only friend I have is my husband. He works evenings, which means I spend my nights cooped up in our apartment bored out of my mind and VERY lonely. To complicate matters, I work midnights on weekends at my job and it takes me an average of about a year just to trust someone enough to let them be a close friend. The friendship-making is further complicated due to the fact that I have absolutely nothing in common with women my age...maybe due to the fact that I'm a raging tomboy who sees no point in knocking myself out just to please everybody's image of how I'm "supposed" to be? Not to mention that having a social life costs money we don't have, and most of the activities out there collide with my work schedule anyway.
How does one have a social life when you're permanently out of synch with the crowd and working when everybody else isn't? I'm tired of being home alone!

Cabin Feverish

Carolyn Hax: Volunteer. Anyone who needs help will be all to happy to get it according to your schedule, and it'll get you circulating, and it'll knock you out of your poor-me mode.

Boston, MA: Carolyn-

I am a 28 year old guy who is technically still a virgin. I am pretty ok with this. Its not that I haven't had opportunities. I've just never really cared about someone enough to have a serious relationship and would feel guilty about "using" someone for sex. I have been dating the same woman for several months and I really care about her and would like to have sex. My question is, what, if anything, do I tell her about my "status"?

Carolyn Hax: Technically. I love that.

Arguments for telling her: It would be a shame if she were serving this valuable purpose without knowing it at the time. 2. It'll freak her out less if you're less than stellar (sex is something people just don't ace on the first try--even people with experience don't when they're with someone new. Like dancing with a partner.) 3. She might get a buzz off her.

For not: You might freak her out of even trying. Have to consider that possibility.

I'm not going to decide this for you, since knowing her is the key. IF you think she can deal with it--if the truth would make sense to her, knowing what she knows about you--I'd tell. Good luck...

Carolyn Hax: Whoops, lost a word there. ROLE. Might get a buzz off her ROLE.

Charlottesville, VA: On smoking -- My husband quit a year before we got married. I never pressured him to do so, but I encouraged him and offered help -I even paid for his nicotine patches-. Six months after we were married, he started again -- but hid it from me out of shame that he would disappoint me. -I had my suspicions, but it took a month or two before he finally came out and told me.- So, quitting because someone loves you and you want to take care of yourself for their sake = good. Quitting because you want to please somebody who loves you = bad.

Carolyn Hax: Check. Thanks. Though I do think he's a wuss--either you do it openly without apology, or you acknowledge it's bad and do it anyway. Adults + Sneaking = Sad

Memphis, TN: Hi Carolyn, I'm just wondering if forgiving a person who cheats in your relationship is truly black and white. I'm the mother of a 19 month old, and when she was one I discovered her father-my husband- was having an affair. He continued the affair, and to lie about it, even after he promised to end it. Now, after I kicked him out, he's begging to have one more chance to make it right. I still can't get the betrayal out of my mind, but I know that for my daughter's sake, I should try to forgive him. Something in my gut tells me, though, that he will always be a cheater and that I'll face this again down the line. In your experience, do people who cheat really ever reform?

Carolyn Hax: I think the ones who feel remorse and confess can reform. The ones who look the people they (allegedly) love in the eye, day in, day out, and lie--and who confess only when caught--are pretty much writeoffs. Who knows, maybe losing everything woke the bastard up. Marriage counseling, I'd say, to sort it out. At least if the marriage does fail, you can tell your kid you tried.

Gaithersburg, MD: An additional thought for the woman from the engineering office who is being harassed. I'm a female engineer, and I have been through a bad harassment situation before.

This guy is certainly a jerk and should be fired. However, the situation with the other employees may not be so bad. Engineering really IS a different world, probably most of these guys don't have much experience working with women at all, nor are engineers really known for their social skills. I'll bet most of them are just uncomfortable with the situation, and don't know how to react to it. If they knew you better -for longer than 2 weeks- they'd probably deal with it differently.

There's certainly something to be respected about someone who can stick it out in such an awful circumstance, but it's going to take everything you've got just to summon up the courage to go to work every day. I've been there with a good support network and people who believed in me, and it's not something I'd ever want to do again. There is absolutely no shame in quitting this job, whether or not you plan to pursue it with a lawyer -actually, it's a self-esteem reinforcing move-. That option will take a lot of time, and may require a bit more re-living than you want to do. The job market in engineering is so hot right now, I guarantee you will have no trouble finding something else. Even if you need to keep working this job while you look - start looking.

And if you have any worries that this story will travel to other firms and make you look bad, I think time is more likely to prove otherwise. People have a way of showing their true colors - several years later my story has traveled about my professional circle a bit and I'm not the one who looks bad -even though he was 30 yrs. older than me and quite a bit more "powerful"-

Carolyn Hax: Good stuff, thank you.

(Mary, a few more of these comments and I'll go, I promise...)

Katy, TX: In answer to Displaced Washington, fielding the "when are you going to get married?" assaults, I have a couple of other non-answer suggestions. My favorite deflector is "You are very kind to take an interest." My favorite jerk-stopper is "I'm sure you don't want to ask such a personal question."

I don't get "When are you getting married?", but rather "When are you going to have kids." I don't feel like telling every nosy jerk about all my failed IVFs.

Carolyn Hax: Oh, I'm sorry. Good luck.

I LOVE the jerk-topper. Must use. thanks

FFX: Hi - re: the harassment issue.

the fact that HR is swearing every to secrecy is QUITE illegal. she may want to consider that too, when she decides to sue...

Carolyn Hax: I post this without knowing whether it's true, but it's something to ask the lawyer. Thanky.

Carolyn Hax: I'm STARVING. Toodles, thank you, and type to you Monday.

washingtonpost.com: Please join Carolyn on Monday at 8 pm EST for another edition of Tell Me About It, Live.

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