Wednesday, July 19, 2000, 1 p.m. EDT

Vic Sussman By Reginald Pearman, Jr./ washingtonpost.com

What works?

What doesn't?

What stinks?

What zings?

Welcome to Love It, Hate It, Rate It! An hour or more of reader-generated rooting, ranting and raving about things, events and people--good, bad and indifferent. Whether you're a cynic or Little Mary Sunshine incarnate, this is your chance to ask questions, make rash statements, believe three impossible things before breakfast and tickle your keyboard as you pick at the social fabric.

Tell the world, such as it is, who's great or merely grating. Pin a label on it: Heaven or Hype? What's in, what's out, what's phat or just goes splat?

Your host is Live Online's Executive Producer, Vic Sussman, who emits an unearthly blue light from his forehead when annoyed.

Sussman has a long background in broadcasting and print journalism. The author of three nonfiction books, he was previously the Personal Tech columnist for The Washington Post Magazine, Book World's audio book reviewer, and a senior editor specializing in cyberspace at U.S.News & World Report. Sussman's interests veer wildly from the vagaries of computer-mediated communication to the skeptical subculture, weight lifting, and magic as a performance art. He is not a minion of Satan, but negotiations continue.

You may read past sessions of LIHIRI in Vic's archives.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

Host's Disclaimer: Vic Sussman takes no responsibility for anything said on LIHIRI by third parties or by anyone at cocktail parties, whether they are parties of the first or second part or innocent parties. Further, Mr. Sussman's comments are expressed in the spirit of mindless fun, supreme irony and withering elitism and in no way reflect the editorial stance of The Washington Post, its stockholders, washingtontonpost.com's Ruling Junta or anybody else in their right mind, assuming they have enough neurons to constitute a cranial quorum. You probably don't even know what he's talking about, which proves Sussman's point. Now stop sniveling and get a real job.

Vic Sussman:

Yesssssss......!

That said, rather than dig deeply into my own angst, I'm going to get right to your fulminations and celebrations today. You do have some celebrations, right? Some things or people or events that actually work in your life, bring you pleasure, make you forget that the Grim Reaper is sitting in the cubicle next to you, ready to honk The Loogie of Death in your direction. Right? Let us prey.

[OOOoooooo......Momma! Vic is getting all shadowy and twisted again. Let's click our mouse over to the Brady Bunch Memorial Web Site instead of this depressing show.]

One other thing: Readers have been clamoring (okay, I got a couple of requests) for an e-mail address so they can rant at me in private. I've set up a special account just for LIHIRI denizens: Write to me, should you feel so inclined, at IronVic@musclemail.com.

And now, as I always say at this point, let the games begin!

herndon, va: Big V: You better be good today, you're going up against not only "Trademark Infringement," but the Ayn Rand Institute!!!

Vic Sussman: I can whip Ayn Rand's butt any day. (I always do when pitted against dead philosophers.)

Poolesville, Md: Vic, I just gotta tell ya that your "Host Disclaimer" is so funny (lol). Thank goodness the WP has enough sense to have strange human-like creatures such as you and Joel Achenbach to help keep the rest of us from completely losing it in this fast-forward world we live in!!!

Vic Sussman: Please do not give any credit to The Post or washingtonpost.com for my existence. I exist in spite of the establishment. (Joel will have to speak for himself.) I invented myself, thank you, a testament to all that's wrong with the do-it-yourself movement.

herndon, va: LI - Also JAZZ: We forgot to list Coleman Hawkins, Red Allen, Bud Freeman, all of Woody Herman's Herds, and . . . you're right, we can do this all day!!

Vic Sussman: Right now I am listening to "Blue Velvet," played by the Willis Jackson & Pat Marlino group. Nothing like listening to jazz while I schmooze with you strange folks. Now if I could just have a nice goblet of merlot sitting near my keyboard, life would be almost complete. Almost.

Mugglesville, Md: LI: Hi Vic, I missed last week's discussion (because I was actually working) but I read the transcripts and this country girl wants you to know that it's really okay to make fun of us country folk. We can take it! But I'd also recommend that all city slickers get in their cars (big mufflers are okay) whenever they need a stress break and take a ride west, down route 28 from route 270 all the way to Frederick (route 85). The wonderful summer has produced the tallest corn stalks I can remember and luscious tomatoes and other fruits and vegetables are everywhere along this beautiful country road. Enjoy!!!

RI: I bought my first B.B.King cd (The Millennium Collection) based on your recommendation and I really liked it. See Vic, you do make a difference, even if you are a city slicker with that strange blue halo!

Vic Sussman: I make fun of country folk with a twinkle in both of my glass eyes. As some LIHIRI citizens know, I lived for many years on farms in Maryland and Vermont. I made my living, such as it was, by writing for Organic Gardening magazine, made films about growing food and lived the life of a homesteader. I heated with wood I cut myself, grew enough food to feed my family and was even briefly the assistant fire chief of a ragtag volunteer fire department.

And yes, my out-of-print book "Never Kiss a Goat on the Lips," is an account of those years living the so-called Simple Life.

So while I am now very happily citified, I have memories of life in the woods. I don't knock it, I just don't ever want to go back. Give me sidewalks and the craziness of big cities every time.

Arlington, VA: I know you're not a sports spectator type, but have you been following the Tour de France? Lance Armstrong is an athlete Americans can truly be proud of.

Vic Sussman: I wouldn't disagree with this. Armstrong has overcome some incredible difficulties and is clearly a role model. Besides, it's nice to see a bicyclist as a star, rather than the usual basketball-football-golf personality.

Silver Spring, MD: Hi, Vic!
LI - Glorious Summer Weather
HI - Montgomery County Council preparing to give away yet another closed public school (Montgomery Hills)to a private school, while our kids are warehoused in trailers
RI - Czar Douglas Duncan and Court Jester Michael Subin - MINUS 100

Vic Sussman: Well now, admit it: There are some teens who should be housed in trailers. Preferably until they are 30 years old. I'm sure LIHIRI folks have a short list of their own...

Kalamazoo, USA: Hi Vic, Since you're the producer how come you can't be online everyday? It would be great.
HI: all those stupid reality shows, I've stop watching, even Real World which was the 1st.
LI: The Will & Grace marathon last night on the boob tube, (but I guess you wouldn't know since you've stopped watching) I, however, am addicted. AND HI: that I can't find a copy of the new Book -American Rhapsody-(I realize I am a prisoner of pop culture)
RI: 10/10 -the new Papa Roach CD I just got
can't stop listening to Last Resort.
Love your show Vic. Thanks for the outlet-
(I had to submit early because I couldn't wait to get this all out, it builds all week and I save it for Weds)

Vic Sussman: I could be online every day if I wanted to and was crazy enough to do it, but it would cut into something we laughingly refer to as "My Job." That is, this is fun, but work calls. Besides, I don't think you realize how much work doing LIHIRI actually is. I get a huge number of questions and comments during this hour, and I really try to pack as many into the program as possible. Plus, I have to think quickly and type faster, which is a real strain on my neuronal net.

And you thought I was just another pretty face...

Winchester, VA: Heya Vic:

This is the best and most fun discussion at wp.com - long ashes to you!

HI: Rt. 50 really, really, really needs to widened in Loudoun Co. Gilbert's Corner and Middleburg are awful to drive though, especially when stuck behind an overloaded horse trailer or Ma and Pa Wealthy Kettle putputting along in their luxocars. It'll never happen, but it's nice to think about.

LI: NPR for airing two really fascinating documentary pieces recently on "All Things Considered" - one about minimalist composer Steve Reich and another about urban explorers. Gotta get "Drumming" now as well as save up for the 10 cd box set...

In my car's cd player:

Einstuerzende Neubauten "Silence is Sexy"
Foetus "Male" and "Sink"
Steroid Maximus "Gondwanaland"
Black Sabbath "Vol. 4"
Skinny Puppy "Last Rites"
Coil "Unnatural History vol. II"

How's that for eclectic tastes?

Vic Sussman: Another road to widen? How wide is wide? And how long do we keep widening roads before all roads meet and merge into a sea of asphalt? I know, I know: Now I'm going to hear you sanctimonious souls clucking your tongues in cyberspace at a TransAm driver who bitches about the Paving of Amerika. I never said I was consistent.

You reminded me that I haven't changed the discs in my CD player since last week. I added the new Moby ("Play") but I'm enjoying listening to Delbert McClinton and Gene Ammons (quite the contrast, no?) so much that I'm in no hurry to load new music this week.

Arlington, VA: LI: That the new Harry Potter book held up very well over 700 + pages. I am ready for the next one now!

HI: That there a thunderstorms forecast this afternoon when my husband is flying back from New England. Potential major delays!

RI: Airlines customer service strategy -4. Things are getting worse not better!

Vic Sussman: Woooooo...! Let me tell you about thunderstorms and airports. Getting caught in a storm while airborne is never fun, but being on the ground is sometimes worse. Last Friday I got on board a USAirways jet bound for New York. Time: 1:40 p.m., ready for a 2 p.m. take-off. Only there were thunderstorms between D.C. and NY. No problem, right? A slight delay?

Well, not exactly. We sat on the tarmac until 6:30 p.m. Yes, flying fans, over 4.5 hours locked in a plane, waiting for the chance to take off. Fortunately, nobody rioted or acted up. Everybody was patient. The flight attendants served beverages and those fabulous little packages of pretzels, so everyone was well-fed and hydrated. Of course. Actually, the amazing thing is that my fellow passengers were so well-behaved for so long.

Why didn't the plane return to the terminal? Why wasn't the flight simply cancelled? Why didn't I take the train instead? These are all the imponderables of daily life.

And what did I do for over four hours to pass the time? Funny you should ask. At times like this, when I am trapped and there is absolutely nothing to be done about it, I close my eyes and retreat into a quiet place in my mind (a sparsely-furnished but interesting place to visit) and I visualize an activity. I've gone bicycling at boring family events, shot the rapids in a kayak at dull meetings and composed internal essays while waiting for planes and trains.

On this interminable trip I lifted weights. I visualized the gym and the equipment and for nearly the entire wait I mentally went through all my exercises and routines. It not only passed the time, but I think it helped me when I got to the real gym. The human body reacts much the same to events that are "real" and those that are imagined, so while I was mentally lifting I was, I think, actually improving my technique.

Aww. Who cares? I'm just ranting. The point is that when I got to the gym the other day, I found that I had improved my ability to chin by 400 percent (according to Marty Gallagher's lightning calculations). Is there a connection? Should I spend more time sitting on the tarmac? Should I write a book called The Ultimate Airport Workout?

Y'know, you've read this far and you probably still don't care. Which says a lot about how you spend your time.

EraserheadGuy, DC: LI: The re-release of "Blood Simple," The Coen Bros. first movie and still
one of their bEst.

HI: The Cineplex Odeon Dupont Circle where it's playing locally. Such a tiny
little crackerbox movie house with second-rate sound. But like beggars,
art-movie fans can't be choosers.

RI: 10+ The forthcoming state-of-the-art, megaplex for non-blockbuster
movies that is opening downtown-walking distance from my office--my, ahem, current office anyway.

Vic Sussman: I saw "Blood Simple" when it first came out. I loved it and became a Coen brothers fan. But I also love the other brother team (help me out here with the name, folks), the guys who came up with "Bound," one of my favorite noir films. Have you seen "Bound"? Not for the kiddies, but definitely on the edge.

DC: LI: That Virginia DMV is finally allowing citizens to conduct certain transactions through its website.

HI: That in order to conduct such transactions, you must obtain a pin number that will be -mailed- to your address of record within 3 business days. This is not helpful if the transaction you would like to conduct online is to -change- your address! Sigh.

Vic Sussman: I hate to be as picky as some of the people who frequent this cybernetic dive, but can we stop saying "pin number"? PIN means "personal identification number," so you're calling it a personal identification number number. This is like saying ATM (automatic teller machine) machine.

But I digress....

Washington, DC: LI: Football season, and the chance to respond "Actually, I perfer Yukon Golds" when asked "How bout them Redskins!!!"

Vic Sussman: My favorite response when asked "What do you think of the Redskins?" is "The United States Calvary was very unkind to them."

Snickering, HA: "Now if I could just have a nice goblet of merlot sitting near my keyboard, life would be almost complete. Almost."

What, Vic, could possibly make this scenario complete?

Vic Sussman: Let your imagination run wild. Mine does. Life is too short otherwise...

washingtonpost.com: Programming note: We're working on getting Lance Armstrong online to answer your questions. Watch this space.

Vic Sussman: Yeah, and take a look at washingtonpost.com's home page right now. They've actually put a "BLINK" up for your amusement. Are we Web professionals or what?

Gaithersburg: RANT: Men's dress clothing

How was it decided what proper indoor business attire for men was? In modern heated and air-conditioned buildings the temperature is usually kept in the mid-70's. When it's 75 degrees OUTside, I usually wear a short-sleeved shirt. Who decided that indoors men are supposed to wear a long-sleeved shirt, necktie, suitcoat and possibly a vest?

Did our clothing styles originate in Northern Europe or the Northeastern US before there were heated buildings, and we've just mindlessly followed convention for decades or centuries?

Vic Sussman: Sorry, you've got the wrong guy. When I lived in the woods for all those years, I didn't own a suit or a tie. But now, back in the city life, I love to dress well. Really well, when the occasion calls for it. (Right now I'm in jeans and a long-sleeved black shirt; I don't dress for LIHIRI.) I would NEVER wear a short-sleeved dress shirt (a contradiction in terms). Too tacky for my tastes.

I like wearing fine shirts, expensive ties and suits. Weird, huh? But take a look at how most men in the Washington area dress. They look like they grabbed what they could when the locker room burst into flames. Not being a herd animal myself, I like dressing like it matters. Which it does.

And I admit to having a double-breasted suit made when I was in Hong Kong a couple of years ago. It's not how you feel, but how you look that matters.

Indianapolis, Indiana: In my CD player today:

Archer Prewitt - "White Sky", sort of like Portishead, but not nearly as gloomy.

Best of the Meters

Best of NRBQ - Who needs Phish, this is THE cult band in America.

Edmond Hall - "Profoundly Blue" - features Charlie Christian on ACOUSTIC guitar

John Renbourn - "Another Monday"

LI : That record stores still exist where you can buy good music, and talk to a real life slacker clerk, instead of hitting picklists or slagging through Napster. Culture is so much more satisfying when you can hold it in your hand.

HI: so called "populist" candidates who still throw $50,000 a ticket fundraisers in Hollywood. It's so depressing, this election....a son of a Senator, a son of a President, a flake, and a fascist. We get what we deserve.

RI: Infinity. The fact that Vic, our cordial host, seems to appreciate a wide variety of music. What DON'T you like musically?

Peace

Vic Sussman: What I don't like is rap. It seems to exist in counterpoint to my heartbeat. I don't even think of it as music. Opera isn't high on my list either, though I am in awe of the human instruments and could probably be enticed to attend a performance or two. I don't like most country music, probably because I was actually a country music disc jockey many decades ago and developed an aversion to the stuff.

My tastes run to jazz of various genres, techno and blues--especially horn-drived blues.

Cupertino, CA: Mini-Rant: It bugs me to read in this chat that people think Gore & Bush are indistinguishable & it doesn't matter which one they vote for or even whether they vote at all. The next president will determine the direction of the Supreme Court for the next decade or two. A Bush-appointed majority will make abortion illegal, allow prayer in school, allow public money to go to private religious schools, etc. I'm not saying whether that's good or bad. But if you think it won't make a difference who you vote for, you're living on a very different planet.

Thanks for the chance to rant. Great chat you got here!

washingtonpost.com: Meet "Amoeba Barf Man." Amoeba Barf Man makes his debut appearance in LIHIRI to let you know that he disproves of the word "chat." Actually, every time a user writes "chat," the whole Live Online staff simultaneously pukes up amoebas. Amoeba Barf Man, say hello:

Vic Sussman: Do I have the most wonderful staff in the world or what? All thanks to Jen Kwan for finding Amoeba Barf Man, our newest resident scholar.

DC: Thank you, Vic! PIN number and ATM machine are two of my biggest pet peeves in the world. What makes it worse is all of the stores that have a huge sign outside that says "ATM Machine inside."

I don't get it.

Vic Sussman: It's it's one one of of the the redundancies redundancies of life life.

Capitol Hill DC not a State: Vic:
LI when something I read on the net (I think in ONLINE)happens to me in person. Example: I was in a lunch place in Union Station and ordered a BLT (from the menu) on wheat toast. Waitperson: "Do you want lettuce and tomato with that?" DUH!!
HI when other people don't get the jokes I tell and when I don't get yours. Guess I'm just not intellectual enough.
RI the DC landscaping in the spring. 10/10.

Vic Sussman: You think what's going on here is jokes? JOKES? What am I, just your plaything? This is serious moral philosophy, my friend. We are sending a man out to your house right now to whack you about the kneecaps for your insults.

DC 20009: Not how you feel but how you look that matters? Wow, Vic, you sound like me.... and I'm a woman.

Vic Sussman: I do not fear my feminine side. My life has gone through so many stages, I've learned to go with my own strange currents. As long as I don't lose the paddle...

I'm just wild about Harry, NC: Hey Vic-- Love this forum! In your opening statements you sometimes call us "Mudbloods." (not today, I noticed) You've got to stop that! I know you've read at least some of the Harry Potter books, so you should know that it is a grave insult. It seems to be one of the most offensive words in a wizard's vocabulary, in fact. Now that I've gotten that off my chest...

Love it: J.K. Rowling for writing books that are sheer fun, and my new boyfriend for making me smile 24 hours a day! (I hope I didn't make you want to puke just now).

Hate it: My local video store doesn't have either Eraserhead OR Repo Man!! This discussion had me all psyched about watching both and now I'm frustrated because I can't find them. Hmph!

Rate it: The lemon chicken rice soup at the North Carolina Legislative Cafeteria: 10+!! Yummy and inexpensive.

Vic Sussman: I know what Mudblood means and I use it accordingly. Wizards can get away with a lot of stuff. You think I wear a skull ring for nothing?

Your boy friend makes you smile 24 hours a day? Your gums must be dry to the point of desiccation. How enchanting.

You're not going to find "Eraserhead" anywhere (says EraserheadGuy) except Alexandria's Video Vault (if there), but "Repo Man" is out and about at various video stores. Keep looking.

The "North Carolina Legislative Cafeteria." Sigh. Is that a name that trips lovingly off the tongue? Just the place to have an impressive first date.

Only in Washington.

Re: Blues: Hey, Vic, didja see Eric Brace's write-up about Smokeless, the new blues club where you don't have to sit in a smoky haze to enjoy some music and a brewski? Hope to see you there!

Vic Sussman: I didn't see Eric's review (you think I have time to read the newspaper?) but I'm intrigued. A smokeless club? Can they survive?

dc: I really enjoy the online chats you all make available. Where else could I submit questions to Sonny Barger and Geraldine Ferraro at the same time.
Two questions: Has Bob Woodward ever done an online chat here? He'd be interesting.
Also, I know the regulars have transcripts archived but what about the folks who do a single online chat -- are those archived somewhere indefinitely or are they just gone after some period of time?

washingtonpost.com: Amoeba Barf Man is most unpleased:

Vic Sussman: Wooo. You have really upset the LIHIRI gods with so many references to "chat."

Yes, Woodward has been on at least twice. And when last seen, Sonny Barger and Geraldine were riding off on his hog.

One-time guests are not usually archived beyond the week. We should probably create a archive for specials, something we talk about but never get around to doing. Thing is, Live Online has grown so fast in volume and popularity, that we're still working on the functionality.

:re Rap: Not all rap is anti-musical.

I think a lot of the so-called "Old School" is kind of interesting. Simple beats, lots of vocal gymnastics. And frankly, none of that gangster posing and preening that makes 90 percent of hip-hop distasteful.

Vic Sussman: I guess I just love a melodic line. Unless it's techno (or jungle or drumsandbass, etc.) in which case I dig the complexity and rhythm. But even old rap doesn't appeal to me. It's a taste thing. I can't stand folk music either. Yodel on your own damned time.

Laurel, MD: I know you're not a sports person, but you probably will appreciate another pet peeve. Inevitably, when a person tears his anterior cruciate ligament, you might hear a news or sports caster say something like, "He's out with an ACL", or "he's out with a leg". What that person really means is that he's out with an ACL -injury-. Everyone has an ACL. You spend a lot of time in the gym, so I know you'll understand this one.

Vic Sussman: Not only that, but I busted up my ACL really good some years ago during my passionate aikido days. I know too much about ACLs, thank you.

Alexandria, VA: Vic -
I love this chat. It's the best chat on Live Online. I can't imagine making it through the week without this chat. Thanks for making this chat happen!

ABM - how was that?

washingtonpost.com: Don't abuse ABM:

Vic Sussman: You're getting smart with us. Remember, we have those cookies in your machine. Wise off again and we'll show up at your house.

Greenbelt, MD: Note for EraserheadGuy and all other Coen fans: "Blood Simple" will be showing starting this Friday at the Greenbelt Theater - large screen, great sound system, wonderful neighborhood movie house that deserves to be better known. And the popcorn is always fresh!

Vic Sussman: A pilgrimage to Greenbelt. The mind boggles.

Chat rooms?: What is the chat room etiquette for using your real names when you post? I know that your chat isn't like other chat rooms. But do the pitfalls of chat apply to this particular chat?

Why talk when you can chat?

washingtonpost.com: OK, smartguy/gal. We get the picture. But you only get one Barf Man.

Vic Sussman: Now you're teasing us.

But hey, this is NOT a chat room. This is a moderated discussion moderated by an immoderate guy. You want to chat, get yourself a crackerbarrel and some old farts and set around on the front porch of Fannie's General Store.

Chat. Gack!

Okay........: WHY is the word chat such a no no? I don't get it. Explicame, por favor.

washingtonpost.com: Vic, would you like to do the honors?

Vic Sussman: Our competition chats. The Washington Post discusses.

It's a class thing.

Arlington : It's "automatED teller machine." An automatic teller machine would presumably anticipate your needs and shoot some money at you (similar to the way an automatic door knows to open for people standing in front of it).
LI: A chance to get that off my chest.
my due date and the baby doesn't care

Vic Sussman: Good point. So what we really all want is a true automatic teller machine. Shoot that money at me all day long!

Ougadougou, Djibooti: LI: Vic's amazing, fantabulous, quote-spouting hat?

Can it do other tricks, like repeal the marriage-penalty tax?

har har

The Amoeba-Puker should also appear whenever someone mentions their boyfriend or NC legislature.

Vic Sussman: Did I mention that the quote today is from Lewis Thomas? Do you still care?

NOZONE: Wachowski Bros did BOUND as well as THE MATRIX.

Vic Sussman: Aha. I blocked on the name, thanks. Love their stuff. How do they get their films to look so incredibly vivid? What's the technique? Of course, any film with Jennifer Tilley would have to be vivid by definition.

Reads and Walks: LI - Increased Cardio workouts
HI - Soreness that follows
RI - 7 - attitude toward getting fit.

P.S. Vic, What do you recommend for soreness?

Thanks, bud'.

Vic Sussman: I don't know what you're doing for cardio that's making you sore, but the best thing is to lay off the exercise that's hurting. The standard rule in the gym is to back off any routine that's causing you pain. Give the hurting body part time to heal before hitting it again. And realize that soreness and the pain of injury are two very different things. The former is normal and transitory; the latter is serious business.

I get light soreness every now and then from changes in my workout routine, but I no longer pop Advil and the like. Too much evidence that these pills don't really help that much with what's called DOMS, "delayed-onset muscle soreness."

How about just getting some rest in between workouts?

WDC: HIHIHIHI: I am having a very bad day.
Need an emergency root canal and the only dentist in DC that can take me wants to charge upwards of $1000. for one tooth.

Vic Sussman: The crack LIHIRI staff says they will do it for free if we can Webcast your procedure. We'll do anything for traffic.

No VA: ABM: Anti-Ballistic Missle, Amoeba Barf Man.

Could there be a connection here?

washingtonpost.com: That's classified information.

Vic Sussman: The difference is that Barf Man really does what he's supposed to do. And works cheap.

DuPont: LI: Amoeba Barf Man!

LI2: Getting my driver's license. Now I'm officially a complete adult, even though I've been able to vote for 5 years and drink for 2.

HI: Fully discovering how horribly people drive around here. Why is it that people with New Jersey tags are the only people I've seen in the past few months who obey traffic laws? Is the concept of an intersection without working traffic lights turning into a 4-way stop just a little too hard for people from MD/DC/VA? What gives?

RI: The DC Driver's Test facility: a big fat zero. You would think that the DMV could afford more than a broken-down trailer to house it's workers....

washingtonpost.com: ABM feels the love.

Vic Sussman: A "complete adult." How scary. My condolences for your loss of innocence.

Springfield, VA: Excuse me, Vic and Staff, but IMHO if ever an online forum deserves to be called a c--t (hope this form of reference won't bring forth amoeba barf), this online forum is that online forum.

What's the matter, are you afraid we won't be taken seriously? Or we WILL be taken seriously? Wait, my head hurts.

What SHOULD what we do be called, oh erudite ones?

Vic Sussman: This is a conversation. Your grandma and grandpa chat.

Capitol Hill DC still not a state: Excuuuus me!! I told you I was not an intellectual. I just thought you were often trying to be funny and I just didn't get it. (Guess that's because you don't tell jokes)

Vic Sussman: Hey, when I'm being funny I don't get it either. Or too. It's genetic condition.

Class Thing?!?!?!: You say that it is a "class thing"!!
This discussion prides itself on a complete lack of class, relevance, or anything else of value. It has devolved far below chat, to an extended symphony of reasons why Vic thinks he is cool, accompanied by various sycophants that he raised in his famous goat pens in Vermont, newcomers who think it might be a
"D.C. thing" and actual interesting people who laugh at the total vapidity of the entire affair. Please, Vic, tell me again how nice your shirts are!! Please, please, please, tell us what CD you are listening to!! And didn't you love Repo Man?

later, dude

Vic Sussman: Mom, I've asked you never to write me here.

government slave: I can't stand hearing MEN complain about work clothing! At least the temperature in the office is set according to what men are wearing - meanwhile, we women freeze.
What I really want to say is: guys, walk a mile in my pantyhose.
PANTHOSE RAGE!

Vic Sussman: I wrote an article for The Post years ago called "Pantyhose Man." And yes, I really did wear pantyhose for a day (in a D.C. heat wave, no less) and wrote about it. Awful stuff. I wore it under my suit and nearly died from heat prostration. I'd rather wear a suit and tie any day than hateful pantyhose. I'll bet it was invented by a guy.

Boston: Ouagadougou is in Burkina Faso, not Djibouti.

Vic Sussman: If we knew you were picky we wouldn't have invited you.

Arlington, VA: Hi Vic,

First, let me preface this by telling you I'm 6 months pregnant:

LI - Baskin Robbins Daiquiri Ice sorbet (of course, I've loved it since I was a kid)

HI - The Wendy's in Clinton was out of baked potatoes today. I have cravings! I needed a sour cream and chives potato! Also, hate it when truck drivers honk their horns at me as I pass them in my little red sports car. It scares the -&-# out of me. Plus, can't they tell I'm pregnant? Leave me alone!

RI - 10/10 for today's weather (and the majority of the weather so far this summer). Anything over 85 feels like 100+ to me, due to the little heat generator in my abdomen.

Vic Sussman: How are the truckers supposed to know that a pregnant woman (how redundant) is driving a sports car? I'm trying to visualize this.

North Arlington, VA -- Lee Highway area: HI: That there are six, yes six, service stations along Lee Highway in my neighborhood, but yet I seem to be unable to get my standard emissions inspection this year. They all open at 7 or 8, but you need to start lining up at 6:15 to actually have your car inspected at these times. If you go at 3:30 in the afternoon, it's too late because the lines are already so long that they can't take more customers because they close at 5. I am trying hard, seriously, to be a law-abiding citizen, but this is infuriating. Please, anyone in this area, where do you get your emissions inspections?
LI: The story about shorter Metro stops- it made me laugh.
RI: Wednesdays get a 7.5- good stuff to look forward to for the rest of the week.

Vic Sussman: You could have the work done at night, but then it would be a nocturnal emission.

R&W: Yeah, its simple soreness. This from the stairmaster which I haven't used in over 6 months. Arms sore from simple chest press and overhead lifts.

Thanks.

Vic Sussman: If it hurts, stop doing it. Do something different for the same muscles.

Rocket science.

To Class Thing ranter: Do you need the names of some good proctologists?

tahc.

Vic Sussman: Things are heating up in cyberlalaland.

Capitol Hill: Re: Springfield

Oh my dirty, dirty mind! "chat" was not the first four letter word starting with "c" and ending with "t" that popped into my mind.

washingtonpost.com: Ew!

Vic Sussman: I am going to get in trouble for posting this, but it's what I live for. Repeat after me: This is not a newspaper, this is not a newspaper, this is...

your City and State: Hey Vic,

Have you ever considered a "real-time" version of the Style Invitational on Live Online? Instead of giving people two weeks in which to be witty, we could enjoy the talents of our more quick-witted browsers.

LI: Style Invitational is back.
HI: Catholics whining to DC Council about birth control.
RI: Steely Dan concert at Merriweather: 100 out of 10. Exquisite new arrangements for the oldies, a number of rarities, a Henry Mancini tune for all the studio ringers to show off their chops, lightning during the last few songs, and a flash flood during the encore. Couldn't have planned a better show.

Vic Sussman: We have been talking to the Style Invitational Czar about a Live Online appearance. Negotiations continue.

Boston: I have answers.

Bound was the Warshowski (sp?) brothers. Same guys did the Matrix. And yeah, it was an outstanding whodunit that kept my wife guessing and asking me why I brought home a lesbian movie. We all ask dumb questions sometimes.

ATM machine, PIN number, HIV virus, etc.

Chat this, Barfman.

washingtonpost.com: Watch it.

Vic Sussman: Tell your wife that "Bound" isn't a "lesbian movie." I'm not a lesbian and I've seen the movie twice. But that's just me.

ABMFanLand: LI: Laughing so hard over ABM's debut appearance that I'm nearly peeing myself.

HI: Not being able to tell anyone here at work why.

RI: ABM, 10 of 10. Vic, you guys have no idea how badly I've needed a good laugh this week. Thanks.

I'm off to buy some Depends . . . .

Vic Sussman: Ahh. The Executive Editor will be happy to hear that LIHIRI is producing wet office chairs all over the city. We aim to be a public service.

Out There: So you know aikido in addition to all the weight lifting? Boy, if anyone here could whip Sonny Barger in a barroom brawl, it must be our dear Vic!

Vic Sussman: I would rather be friends with Sonny than go up against him.

ALEX VA: Hey ego boy -
It's good to see you're as smug and superior as ever. God, if only we could all be as together as you!
By the way, how's the mid-life crisis? Get another skull ring and tell us more about how varied your musical taste is, that ought to help.

Vic Sussman: Click your mouse, you sad little person, and all that offends you here will vanish. Which is more than one can say of Real Life.

phily, pa: yo momma calls you 'dude'?

better than what my momma calls me... on a good day, its 'hey, boy!'... on a bad day, she just throws sharp pointy things at me.

but she's my momma and I love her so.

washingtonpost.com: Your mama's got a glass eye with a fish in it.

Vic Sussman: My producer has been practicing her snaps.

washingtonpost.com: I stole it from a song. Anyone know which one?

Rockville, Md: Hmph. I have reason to believe you are ignoring me. Perhaps because what I'm saying is true? As I said before (and you were perhaps too embarrassed to post), Bob Levey stated in his chat last week that the reason you maintain this "Bob Levey is not a real person" conspiracy theory is that you are jealous because he has a full head of hair, and you are bald. Is this true? Could this explain the ever-present fedora?

Vic Sussman: I am balding, not entirely bald. But this has nothing to do with the fact that whoever you communicated with persists in the idea that Bob Levey is a real person with a full head of hair. As I have said many times, "Bob Levey" is a concept thought up years ago by Ben Bradlee. Ben was a little tipsy at the time and he thought it would be funny to make up the persona of a daily columnist. He picked the name "Bob Levey" and formed a committee to write the Mon-Fri columns. And Ben got an actor from Central Casting to play the role of the mythical Levey. That actor is the grey-haired man with the deep voice you often see riding the Metro.

See "riding the Metro" is all part of the hoax. It's perfect. People really believe that "Bob Levey" exists. Ben, you've outdone yourself. They still believe it...

To the Emissions Dude: Try the Texaco in Shirlington. They open at 7, and stay open until 10. I actually had the same problem as you, so I can understand.

Vic Sussman: More help with your emissions.

DC - still not a state: So Vic,

Now that they've confirmed who the new restaurant critic is, can we expect the return of the restaurant, um, er, discussion?

And, how about a Miss Manners discussion?

Aw, please, c'mon, please!?

Vic Sussman: Ms. Manners (not "Miss" Manners, you inconsiderate dolt) has a contractual obligation to another Web entity and so cannot grace our pages.

And yes, we expect to launch a new restaurant Live Online program in the near future.

?: I hate mean people. How do you put up with all the ones that post at you?

Vic Sussman: First, it amazes me that people actually visit this show when they don't seem to like it. Masochists unite. Second, I don't care what they say. I have the last word. It's fun to know that I'm getting to them, that they can't stand me or LIHIRI, but they keep coming back for more. Most fun is that they really don't get the joke. And I get paid for this.

Vic Sussman: As I was saying....

Folks, our servers went down a while ago, hence the interruption to LIHIRI. I don't know if you're still out there or not, but I'll continue a while longer.

There is no truth to the rumor that The Executive Producer pulled the plug on my computer. No truth whatever.

Reston, VA: So Vic sez he's not a lesbian, but admits to wearing pantyhose.

What is wrong with this picture?

Vic Sussman: You twit.

I wore pantyhose on assignment from The Washington Post. My only fear was that I would be hit by a car and taken to the emergency room. My mom always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got into an accident, but...well.

DC - still not a state: So, where did Vic go? What happened? Did we break him?

Vic Sussman: Computers break. Ours did. It happens.

Arlington, VA: HI: Local TV sportscasters who give you the score/out come of a game BEFORE showing you the highlights! OK, so I couldn't watch the game, I would like to be able to have even just a moment of suspense and excitement! But, no, it is always ruined! Since I have never seen this phenomenon anywhere else (and I've lived in several major cities), is this an indictor of the impatience of the residents of this area? Thanks, needed to vent that! (It's one of THOSE days!)

Vic Sussman: Even a non-sports fan feels your pain.

Fairfax VA: Hey Vic,
What do you think of the BATF trying to get John Ross' estranged wife to agree that his novel, Unintended Consequences, was a "manual for killing Federal agents"? Ross' lawyer posted on the web a nasty letter to the head of BATF last week saying that apparently the agency didn't believe in the First Amendment, either.

Vic Sussman: Books don't kill people, people kill people.

Reston, VA: I've tried using LIHIRI to wrap fish, but I seem to have no luck doing so. Can you help me with this?

Vic Sussman: We have found that very small minnows will fit into a disk drive. You might also try laying fillets on your CD tray.

Alex: I LOVE THIS "DISCUSSION"!

Vic, Mr. S., you are the BEST host!!!!!!!

Thanks for helping me through an otherwise ABM type of day (amoebas-amoebae?-just raining down all over me today).

Vic Sussman: Thank you. Your vote for me provides ample evidence that America is going down the cultural drain.

Alexandria, VA: To the emissions dude:
Tell the emissions guy I live in Alexandria and have NEVER waited in line behind more than 2-3 cars in Alexandria... in less of course you wait until the end of the month, but if you go this week, you should have no problem.

LI : Amoeba Barf Man
HI : That I have to pretend to work for another 3 hours
RI : Life. It's a cabaret, old chum!

Vic Sussman: Ah. Take your emissions to Alexandria.

Orlandoish: LI: The accident I narrowly avoided getting into last night. It involved two new Ford Expeditions with pitch-black windows, and both of the drivers were talking on cell phones when it happened.

HI: SUV drivers who feel that pitch black windows and cell phones are a surefire way to impress the hell out of people.

RI: 15/10 That those selfsame SUV drivers will probably die or be maimed in a fiery collision resulting from both drivers taking their eyes off the road to read their email, or something.

Long live small cars and loud mufflers!

Vic Sussman: I have to tell you that I dig those black windows. Do they really cut your night vision? Maybe being cool is better than good vision.

Rockville, MD: Hi Vic-

Ok-continuing on the earlier airline rant:

I was flying from Kansas City to BWI---my original flight was cancelled-somehow, I was stuck in St. Louis with a little lady who decided to tell me every horrible detail about her trip home to mama. No matter how dis-interested I was, she continued about packing, her husband waiting at the bar (She would drive me to drink too) and how many pairs of shoes I own. The flight boarded an hour late-then my seat was booked for two people. It took the flight attendants 30 minutes to sort out the problem. My flight didn't arrive 'till 1.30 am---

My next trip, I'm bringing a CD player to drone out everyone-including me-

Thanks for the rant!

Vic Sussman: I always bring earplugs whenever I fly. They don't block all the noise, but they reduce the volume to a dull hiss. Indispensable.

R&W: Is this going to be a record? Two hours later and you're going strong. Go Vic GO!!

Vic Sussman: No, no. I had nearly 45 minutes off because the system went down and I had a meeting at 2:30.

guv'mint office: Vic dahling:
LI: I get to play in my new canoe up by Harper's Ferry this weekend. Oh the eddies and waves!
HI: All you people that seem to believe that exercise and eating "healthy" is the be-all and end-all. BLECH! I like food. I love things fried, I love things straight out of the garden (you cannot beat a freshly picked fully ripe tomato with just salt and pepper), I love broiled fish and steaks with bearnaise and fruit pies and (okay, I'm tired of salivating). Why does the consumption of these things make me a pariah?
MOreover: why should I go push around weights to conform to some unattainable body standard. It's boring. The results (if any) are extremely transient. I'd rather be well-read. I'm fat. Get over it.

Vic Sussman: See, the thing is, that "unattainable" body standard is actually attainable. Or close. But I don't think of you as a pariah. We all make whatever choices we make. And then we expire no matter what we do. Sigh.

G'town: Hey Vic:

Sorry you're getting busted on today. Some people obviously didn't take their happy pill this a.m.

I don't know who your producer is, but he/she is cracking me up. Your mama has a glass eye with a fish in it?! haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Vic Sussman: You wouldn't know that I was getting busted if I didn't post the comments. It's my choice. I think it's funny that people take the time to attend a Web show they don't like and then to post a comment. They have no lives.

Middleburg Va: Greetings, Vic

Just a response to the Supreme Ct. worriers-
although the next president is going to appoint up to four new justices in the next 4/8 yrs, it won't necessarily be the disaster if Bush over Gore or Gore over Bush wins.
Judges who are appointed may be "conservative " or "liberal", but they don't always stick to that when they get on the bench. I'm thinking of one example, but I can't remember his name. He was very conservative before he was appointed, and turned out to be more liberal than most after he was appointed.

thanks!

Vic Sussman: Yes, some justices do seem to evolve once they've been on the bench for a time. Still, the power to appoint new Supreme Court Justices is awesome. The effects of those choices will shape our country for decades afterwards.

5th post of the day......: So what IS Ben Bradlee doing lately, anyway? I'm reading his bio right now..... what a piece of work he must be!

P.S. (shhhhhhhhh -- CHAT!)

washingtonpost.com:

Vic Sussman: Mr. Bradlee doesn't return my phone calls. And he never sends me flowers any more.

Rehoboth Beach, DE: LI: That on my last trip to the recycling center, perched on top of a dumpster was a copy of "The Vegetarian Alternative." I kid you not.

Vic Sussman: I hope you picked it. It sells for quite a bit on Amazon. At least it was on top of the dumpster and not in it.

DC: I started working as a clothing store sales associate this summer. Until then, I had no idea how rude people can be. Basically, we're expected to be free maids, babysitters, whipping boys, and/ or miracle workers (for ladies who insist they are a size four). It has been an eye-opening experience. Now, I can't stand people who...

- take twenty different things to the dressing room with no intent to buy.
- trash the dressing rooms (as if they do that in their own houses!)
- try to return things they've already worn (i.e. smoked on, etc.) and get indignant about it when they have trouble making their return.
- let their children scream and run wild
- insist on dressing with the door open
- act as though we have no intelligence, no dignity, no lives, and no function beyond service to them.

Don't get me wrong, there have been a lot of really nice, polite people out there too, and the service aspect is very attractive. But customers who behave like this should be aware that each person who serves them is a PERSON, with a family and friends and a real life to go home to every day, just like they do, and being pushed around or insulted hurts us just as much as it would hurt them.

Vic Sussman: We bitch about clerks so often on LIHIRI, it's nice and instructive to hear from the other side.

Los Angeles: Vic, I'm a slim 27 year old, 5'3" 104 pounds. I'd like to begin lifting weights a little to gain strength and tone my legs, arms and abdomen. Any suggestions?

Marty didn't get to me yesterday....

Vic Sussman: Write to Marty at mgso@supernet.com and tell him I told you to do so. He'll try to answer your question by e-mail. He's that kind of guy.

Tysons Corner: LI: The fantastic gift the Post has given us with the message boards.
HI: That a part of that gift has been taken back with the addition of Lindsay Howerton. Although her task of scanning the boards for materials which do not comply with the Post's policies must be thankless, she has made matters worse by engaging in name-calling and repeated threats to "gag" or remove those who vex her. I realize it is the Post's prerogative to manage the boards as they see fit, but a little management of Ms. Howerton may serve us well, too. By the way, I've not been a participant in any of the cyber-conflicts on the boards, just a periodic reader who doesn't like what she sees.

Vic Sussman: Lindsay has a really tough job. She has to make message board visitors understand that the First Amendment doesn't apply, that they can't say just anything they want, that they can't toss out racist or obscene rants, that being on the boards is a privilege. There is no way she's not going to upset some people. It's a very tough job.

Dupont Circle: As an attorney, I've written a few disclaimers and I'm curious as to who the "ruling junta" is that you refer to in your disclaimer. Did the junta approve this disclaimer?

Vic Sussman: My "ruling junta" comment is satire. It's supposed to be funny. Ha. Ha. Ha. And no, nobody approves of ANYTHING I write. Way it goes.

And this is the way LIHIRI goes today. Sorry that the computers crashed, but that's life with pixels. I'll do my best to return next week for another hour or so of strangeness and invective (yours and mine).

Until then,

Love (some of) you madly...

washingtonpost.com: Your loving producer and spokesperson for Amoeba Barf Man signing off here. And FYI, for more your mama lines, check out the Pharcyde song, "Your Mama." Toodaloo.