Jacqui Salmon

Families...and So On, hosted by Washington Post families reporter Jacqueline L. Salmon, is a free-ranging and freewheeling look at the American family. This is the place to talk about the burning issues facing the 21st century family, such as whether the world really needs diaper-wipe heaters.

Join Jacqui to share tips on surviving family life, tell stories, throw out particular problems and then brainstorm solutions. She'll occasionally feature guest experts, such as leading researchers, doctors and parenting educators in the country, who will be available to answer your questions.

This week, Jacqui welcomes guest Christopher Andersonn, author of "Will You Still Love Me If I Don't Win?", to discuss violence and kids' sports. You can visit his web site at www.christopherandersonn.com.

Jacqueline L. Salmon has been writing about suburban family life ("suburban" being a state of mind rather than a geographic location) for the last four years. She is married, has two children and (natch..) lives in the suburbs.

Jacqui's several lives as a mother have included stints as an at-home mom, working part-time and doing the mega-hour/mega-commute thing. She's also the co-author of three books on parenting and child development.

Below is today's transcript.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

Jacqui Salmon: Good morning. Join us TODAY at noon to talk with author Chris Andersonn about the controversy swirling around kids' sports these days. Why do some parents get so wrapped up in their child's sports success that they resort to violence? And what can we do about it? Submit your questions NOW, and we'll get to them between noon and 1. Or join the discussion at noon!

Jacqui Salmon: A mother of a young soccer players attacks a teen-aged referee. Police in Washington were called in after a coach broke a parent's nose-after a wrestling mach between 6-year-olds. An ex-police officer in Pennsylvania offers a 10-year-old Little Leager $2 to bean an opposing player. The father of a hockey player puts a referee in a headlock and tears his jersey. A coach of a Florida baseball team breaks the jaw of an umpire while disputing a call. A father of a young hockey player is charged with manslaughter after he beats to death another dad while their sons look on. What's going on here? Have adults gone mad? Why are we taking kids' sports so seriously-and what is it doing to our kids?

Jacqui Salmon: Hi, Chris. Your book, "Will You Still Love Me If I Don't Win?" is very moving. Your stories of young athletes struggling to live up to the perfectionist standards of driven parents are sad and shocking. But haven't we always had parents who are obsessed with the success of their athlete-children? What's so different about parents these days?

Chris Andersonn: Actually, the stories in my book are about regular parents--not necessarily success-driven parents. Perhaps the biggest difference between today's parents and parents of a generation ago, there's more free time and there's greater emphasis in the media to sports, which gives more focus on youth sports. That gives greater emphasis and a bigger spotlight on kids. Achievement is more of a focus for everyone today. And the most important aspect of today's parents is that they have difficulty separating themselves from their children, and their children's athletic achievements.

Jacqui Salmon: What are these today's young athletes frightened of?

Chris Andersonn: Even though parents may be very loving, even though kids may be secure in that, they still are always afraid of disappointing their parents, their coaches, their teammates and themselves? They are afraid of being rejected and of disapproval. For them, that means they're not loved. Whether that's true or not, that's how they feel. They are too young to be able to love themselves. So approval means love. Acceptance means love. Parents forget that children and teen-agers are in constant need of reassurance. Anything short of that is threatening to them. Even though parents say, "Well, I know they know we love them," that doesn't stop a young person from feeling fear. This aspect of young people's fear is really misunderstood and overlooked by a lot of parents.

Jacqui Salmon: Do all young athletes feel this way?

Chris Andersonn: Yes, in varying degrees, depending on their relationship with their parents, coaches and their own sense of security. That plays into it also. First born or only children tend to feel more pressure to achieve.

Jacqui Salmon: What role should the parents play in a young athlete's life?

Chris Andersonn: They need to encourage, to understand, to support, to be patient, to love/NOT to judge, not to humiliate, not to reject, not to drive them.

Jacqui Salmon: ..Join us for today's discussion on kids' sports. As we did last week, we promise to post your question/comment (assuming it's not, like offensive of something) within 15 minutes if we get it before 12:45.

Arlington, VA: I'm 31 and was an avid athlete in my youth. My parents were "good" sport parents--they supported me 100%, and I knew if I EVER argued with the coach or referee, that would be the last time I'd play that sport.

However, not all of my teammates were so lucky. We always had a couple of parents who felt the need to berate the coach, players, referee, their own kid. We never actually had a violent incident, but we came close--luckily, our coaches and other parents would step in before things got ugly.

The point I'm trying to make is that this really isn't a new trend. There have always been bad, violent parents--I'm just surprised these incidents haven't happened until now. I'm hoping a new trend will develop, where those parents showing signs of violence are permanently banned from the sidelines.

I also have coached girls soccer--9 year olds. One game, we were getting beat badly as usual and our goalkeeper dropped the ball. One of my mothers screamed "Get a new goalkeeper!" She knew as soon as it was out of her mouth that she never should have said it. But it was out there and she couldn't take it back. This slip, of a normally "good" soccer mom truly devastated one 9-year-old girl. She quit the team.

Chris Andersonn: I'm aware that there have always been parents who have berated their kids. But in today's world, there seems to be less attention paid to our emotional health than our performance. For this newer generation of parents, achievement is highly touted and sought. Identities are attached to achievement more than ever and parents use their kids as a source of identity and achievement. The lack of emotional responsibility from parent ends up being dumped on kids and other, to their detriment.

Vienna, VA: What do you do if you don't like your child's coach? My daughter's lacrosse coach doesn't seem to know how to handle younger kids. She coaches high school girls' lacrosse and now she's coaching my daughter's team-and they are 8 to 12 years old. This coach screams at them and makes them run laps if they don't keep up with the drills. My daughter has started to get stomach aches before lacrosse practice. I would, too with a coach like that. So she's not going to practices right now, even though she loves the sport. Should I report this coach to the commissioner of the league? Should I speak to her directly and tell her of my concerns? I'm not the only parent who doesn't like what's going on. Thank-you.

Chris Andersonn: First, always approach the coach and give her the opportunity to change and let her know that other parents feel the same way. Tell her that her behavior is hurtful to the kids and that you won't keep your daughter on the team if she doesn't change. Ask her if she is ready to change. Point out that yelling and punishing kids scares them and hurts them and is a very ineffective way to coach. You can paraphrase these words when you talk to her, and if this coach doesn't change, find another team for your daughter.

Silver Spring, MD: I have a soon to be five year old son I am very much a believer in kids having down time to day dream or whatever. This summer was the first time I signed my son up for any after pre-school activity--swimming. I would like to have him involved in one activity/sport in the fall. Is five too early? I have asked him what he would like and he has come up with two: karate and basketball. Should I just pick one? It is my understanding that the programs geared toward his age are somewhat short in duration.

Chris Andersonn: You could try make sure that the sports don't take up too much time and, indeed, that they are short in duration. The most important thing is that he has fun. Use your judgment, watch him and determine how it's working. Only go to one sport, if you feel that is more appropriate.

Jacqui Salmon: Chris, how young is too young for organized sports? In the Washington area, you can even find a soccer team for a four-year-old.

Chris Andersonn: Depending on the child, no younger than 5 or 6. Practices need to be short (maybe 30, 45 minutes) and they need to be fun! And it certainly depends on the coach's attitude and the other kids who are involved. Sports is supposed to be about fun and learning for everyone.

Bethesda, MD: My teenaged son is obsessed with soccer. All he wants to do is to play soccer. He is on two soccer teams. But I think he is doing too much. But what can I do. I don't want to stop him from playing.

Chris Andersonn: His obsession may be because (and probably) is because he has found his identity as a soccer player. It is normal for kids to do this. And he also may feel that he needs to perform and achieve because he thinks this is how he will find approval. And these two are probably confined, to some extent. It's not the amount of playing. It's about his attitude. That's the problem here. Talk to his coaches and find out why he is obsessed. What is he afraid of? What is his relationship with you and your spouse? What is he looking for? What does he feel is expected of him? Explore these questions, and it may give you some insight. He also has his own sense of needs, which may have to do with his birth order-if he is an only child or the first- or second-born. He may be competing for his worth or he may feel the burden is on him to "turn out" for his parents.

Arlington, VA: Do kids play pick-up sports any more? While I played Little League as a kid, the rest of my summer was spent playing football, baseball, basketball, kick-ball, etc. with kids in the neighborhood. That playground or neighborhood training is truly better preparation for an athlete than organized sports.

Chris Andersonn: I agree! I grew up that way, and it was great fun!

Jacqui Salmon: What happened to that kind of unstructured childhood, particularly when it came to sports?

Chris Andersonn: We have more free time, incredible media focus, more money paid to athletes and Title 9 for women (so there are more women involved in sports now). There is money in sports equipment and apparel, so it is driven that way also. Physical is more of a focus for people; athletics are considered as what being 'healthy' is all about. Combine all this with the greatest need that we have ever known for achievement throughout society-as if that's going to make us happy-and we have organization in sports to the point of absurdity.

Jacqui Salmon: Chris, how do you take the focus off winning? For example, when my daughter wins first place in a swim meet, or her soccer team wins the championship, how should I react? I can't imagine not congratulating her on her achievement! But is it putting too much emphasis on winning?

Chris Andersonn: No, it's not. Absolutely, congratulate her. The idea is to share in her enthusiasm and her excitement. Winning is fun. Just keep it in balance. When she loses or doesn't do as well, be encouraging and supportive. Don't go the other way in your reaction-as if she had done something 'wrong' in losing. It's important to keep things in balance. The message is trying your best brings out the best in you. And you get to learn about yourself, who you are and what you are capable of. If the chance to win becomes the reason for trying, the chance to become a good teammate becomes the reason for trying, the chance to learn about determination and will and perseverance becomes another reason for trying. All of these are part of a 'winning experience,' and a parent needs to support all aspects of the sport experience.

Rockville MD: I agree that the loss of pick-up games is a real shame-- I spent my childhood playing baseball, basketball and even football with my best friend's brothers' friends, and it was so fun... But I think the reason it isn't too common for our children is that a lot of them are from two-working-parent families, so they're not at home in the neighborhood to casually start a game. They have to schedule the activity, or it won't occur.

A question: do you see any different patterns in girl and boy sports problems?

Chris Andersonn: Women coaches tend to demonstrate that yelling and anger, like many male coaches, is what coaches should do. Yelling combined with anger is NEVER needed, and it gives athletes the idea that winning and losing, approval and disapproval, rejection and acceptance have far more importance. I also see women athletes, in many cases, acting like boys and losing their femininity. I don't mean GENDER, I mean femininity. There are many female athletes who do not lose their femininity. Girls and women need to define themselves as athletes. Many are following the mens' and boys' lead as role models. Eventually, women (hopefully) will find their own way. It will happen in time. Otherwise, the problems female athletes face are similar. They are afraid of disapproval and rejection. Winning is very important. Identifying as the athlete can often become the center of their lives. These are normal problems-for boys AND girls.

Arlington, VA: What's so unusual about a teenaged boy being obsessed about a sport? I grew up in Ireland, and spent every afternoon and evening, and all weekend doing nothing but playing soccer (after doing my schoolwork, of course!), soccer and more soccer. I developed great friendships, a high level of discipline, great physical fitness, and wonderful memories. I still love the sport and play it as often as I can, and follow my favorite team religiously. And rather than interfere with my life, it adds to it--it also helps that my wife shares my love of the sport!

Chris Andersonn: In general, my concern about obsession is whether it stays in balance in a young person's life. There is nothing wrong with kids loving sports. But, in my experience, obsession often takes the place of, and covers up, something else in their family that missing-usually a fear of a young boy or girl that they will disappoint a father or mother (or themselves). This is not true in every case: Some athletes have a tremendous focus because they truly love the sport, while others were afraid to fail. So their obsession is "not to fail," as opposed to wanting to win.

Jacqui Salmon: How do you tell the difference between a child who is genuinely in love with a sport and a child who fears he/she will disappoint a parent?

Chris Andersonn: Actually, those are not separate issues. Every child who loves a sport will at the same time never want to disappoint the parents. True obsession, as opposed to loving a sport, can often be recognized by how HARD a child is on themselves when they lose. Parents should be asking themselves WHY a child is hard on himself/herself when they lose. What is that child afraid of? How much of their identity is in needing to win? I see it all the time in the better athletes. They punish themselves regularly if they're not perfect. They've been given the message somewhere and/or they've decided that anything less than a great performance, or what they're expected to do, is not acceptable. This is "obsession" based on fear, not love. This does not mean a child who loves a sport will not be upset if they don't do well! There is a difference in being upset, which is natural because you want to do well, and severely punishing yourself.

Jacqui Salmon: Tell us what positive attributes children can pick up by playing a sport. Self esteem? Self-discipline? Or are these myths?

Chris Andersonn: They can learn many things: Trying your best brings out your best, trying for the team makes you feel a part of the team, winning AND losing gracefully is respectful and caring toward others and that friendship is worth gold in a lifetime and can be found on a team. There is also a sense of joy in doing one's best, and games allow us the chance to find that. There is a magic to being able to make our bodies to do things that we imagine in our minds and a sense of esteem and confidence when we can achieve. This can lead to what the earlier reader referred to as loving a sport or being "obsessed" in a positive way. Also, children and teens can learn how to set and achieve goals in life, how to follow structure and how to learn to rely on themselves. They learn how to build for something in the future and how to develop dreams and imagination. These are all wonderfully positive aspects of the sport experience for young (and old!) people.

WDC: Chris,

I agree with your response about approaching the "unlikable coach". I coach LL baseball to be able to spend time with my kid in a sport he likes. Everyone liked my style of learning first and winning second. One parent approached me about his son's wanting to quit because he wasn't playing enough infield. I was shocked. Once I realized my error, I corrected it and kid once again loved to play. Please continue to encourage parents to approach your coaches about things your kid or you have problems with. Many times, its just an over site. We have a lot of things to deal with.

Chris Andersonn: Thank you for your response. Remember, coaches need help, too, in learning to be better coaches. It's important to give them the opportunity to learn and to change. They are learning, too.

Jacqui Salmon: That's it for today, folks. We got to all your questions! Next week, we'll have our discussion (postponed from this week) on the beefs of working parents. Join us, then. And thanks to Chris. Any last words?

Chris Andersonn: Thanks for the opportunity of being with your readers. Sports can be a fun, valuable experience, particularly when children know they're safe and secure and there is nurturing and care. Sport activities are a great arena to learn about life.

Jacqui Salmon: Oops, I forgot to say that Chris' book publisher is Taylor Publishing Co. in Dallas. It is, of course, available on Amazon.com and so forth.