Families...and So On, hosted by Washington Post families reporter Jacqueline L. Salmon, is a free-ranging and freewheeling look at the American family. This is the place to talk about the burning issues facing the 21st century family, such as whether the world really needs diaper-wipe heaters.

Join Jacqui to share tips on surviving family life, tell stories, throw out particular problems and then brainstorm solutions.

Laura Sessions Stepp

Washington Post Style reporter Laura Sessions Stepp joins Jacqui today to discuss back-to-school issues. They'll talk about helping young teens make the transition from elementary to middle school to high school. Sessions has just written a book about young teens called "Our Last Best Shot." Jacqui and Laura welcome your questions and comments.

Jacqueline L. Salmon has been writing about suburban family life ("suburban" being a state of mind rather than a geographic location) for the last four years. She is married, has two children and (natch..) lives in the suburbs.

Jacqui's several lives as a mother have included stints as an at-home mom, working part-time and doing the mega-hour/mega-commute thing. She's also the co-author of three books on parenting and child development.

Below is today's transcript.

Jacqui Salmon: Good morning, and welcome to "Families...and so on." Laura will join us in a few minutes to talk about young teens and their unique challenges. Send in your questions NOW, and we'll get to them quickly.

Jacqui Salmon: Hi, Laura. Why did you call your book 'Our Last Best Shot'? Is it really all over by the time your teenager hits, say, 16?

Laura Sessions Stepp: It's not the last shot, obviously, but it's the last BEST one because kids' bodies and minds are changing so rapidly at this age. I compare it to concrete hardening - we've poured the cement in the early years and you can literally see it hardening once kids go into middle school. their values, beliefs, attitudes....

DC: What is the best way to stop my daughter from having premarital sex?

Laura Sessions Stepp: How old is your daughter?

Jacqui Salmon: I really enjoyed the book. But what surprised me, actually, was how much these young teens still needed their parents. Do you think parents pull away from their kids too early?

Laura Sessions Stepp: I was also surprised by how often the kids referenced their parents - not always in a good way, but frequently. I think parents pull away too early - they take their kids' slamming of doors, sassy mouth, etc., to mean the kids don't want them around anymore. What the kid is trying to do is redefine the relationship, not reject it. But he or she doesn't know how to do that and needs our help.

Jacqui Salmon: You say in your book that it's especially important that fathers stay involved in their teen daughter's lives. In fact, some of the studies you cite suggest that it's ESSENTIAL that they stay involved with their daughters during these critical years. Why is that?

Laura Sessions Stepp: Fathers help daughters understand boys, for one thing. And they tend to be the ones pushing kids out into the world, whereas mothers want to keep their young 'uns close. Girls can learn a great deal from both parents, of course, on how to be bold, but they need dads as well as moms to encourage them in that way. The girls with the most problems in Our Last Best Shot were those who had troubled relations with Dad.

Jacqui Salmon: Let's get to the topic at hand, and then we'll take questions from readers. Send 'em in now and we'll get to them quickly. If you have a question about a child, please tell us how old he/she is.

Jacqui Salmon: ...back to school. Laura, you're quite critical in your book of curriculums for middle-schoolers. Why are we unable to design scholastic plans that engage this age group?

Laura Sessions Stepp: Many educators seem to still have this notion that the role of the middle school is to keep hormones in check. To fill their minds up with facts that they can later (in high school) process. We know from new brain research that the young adolescent mind is going a mile a minute and can already begin to think abstractly, draw connections. In fact kids this age are easy to inspire. In addition to curriculum problems, I saw real problems in teaching style. Rote instruction was everywhere. It's funny, in elementary school teachers pay a lot of attention to hands-on learning, then drop that when the kids get to middle school even though they know that that is still how kids learn best. We're losing more kids to workbooks than weapons, in my view.

Jacqui Salmon: Let's talk about that transition from elementary school to middle-school. I'm told it can be a huge shock for kids. One of my neighbors' daughter cried every morning for two weeks after entering the 7th grade (middle school in my area starts in the 7th grade). How can we make that transition easier for children. We spend so much time preparing children for kindergarten but, as you point out, we really don't seem to be able to help the older kids as much when it comes to these crucial life experiences.

Laura Sessions Stepp: You're right, Jacqui. I'm a big believer in getting involved in your kid's school at this age. You can back away from the schoolwork, but you need to know what's going in the classrooms and hallways. Without being a spy! Its' a tall order. One thing I suggest is that parents volunteer, even an hour every week or two. This gets you into the school to talk to teachers, guidance counselors, introduces you to other parents. The grapevine is a great source at this age - gossip gives you something to talk about when your kid gets home. rather than just asking the generic how was your day, you have something to contribute and get the dialogue going. I know it's hard to volunteer, but I've met parents who thought up creative ways to get away from work - taking long lunch hours, offering to work late one night in exchange for a couple of hours in the morning. How can you help your kid in the transition if you don't know what he or she is transitioning into?

Jacqui Salmon: A couple of years ago, I sat in on a seminar for kids who'd been caught with drugs in the public school system. All of the kids there were high schoolers. But every kid said he or she started their drug use in middle school! How can we prepare our kids for that? I know, it's not a question easily answered in a few paragraphs, but in your book you have some wise advice on how to inoculate (or at least partly inoculate) your child?

Laura Sessions Stepp: The best vaccine is keeping a good relationship with your kid of course, and that means knowing what's going on in his or her school, which is where most kids are introduced to drugs. Part of that relationship is built in the early years by giving your child opportunities to make choices, from what they wear, to where they can go and when they should come home. Let them help decide the limits of their behavior and the consequences for breaking the rules, then be consistent in applying what you all have decided. What's important here is that you are saying to them early that you respect their judgment. You know they're going to make a mistake every once in while, and when they do they know what will happen. But by in large, you respect them.
Be straight with them on what you believe and if they ask you questions about your own drug use (or other behaviors) be honest. How can we expect our kids to be honest with us if we're not honest with them. The most important part of the relationship I spoke of earlier is trust. My kid knows, for example, if he doesn't clean his room when he's supposed to, that's a minor infraction. But if he lies to me that's a BIG DEAL and will be treated as such.

DC: My daughter is 16 years old and she is very interested in boys.

Laura Sessions Stepp: Oh yes, you asked the question about premarital sex. It's important to talk to your daughter about your views. Figure out what they are, then tell her in no uncertain terms, but in a conversational style. The research is clear that girls and boys are less likely to engage in sex if their parents are very clearly against it. What parents say does matter. It isn't 100 percent, of course, the pressures on both girls and boys to do it is intense these days. A conversation should include the emotional ramifications of sleeping with a guy - how intercourse often means more emotionally to girls than to guys, how girls can get their hearts broken....Moms (or an aunt, older sister, etc.) do this emotional explanation stuff better than dads. But dads should also weigh in.

The Burbs, VA: I see the question about stopping daughter having premarital sex. What about my two sons? They are ages 10 and 12 and I know there is going to be pressure from probably both girls and boys for this kind of behavior. After reading about the middle-school oral sex incident in the area not long ago I noticed only the parents of the girls were addressed about this and not those of the boys, who were just as culpable. I know boys face a different set of pressures, so what can I do to help? I don't want my sons believing in a double standard. Thanks in advance for your answer!

Laura Sessions Stepp: You're right, the double standard in that incident was profound. Life offers parents all kinds of opportunities for conversations about sex...newspaper articles like that one, TV, movies....I've observed that parents often wait too late to start having these conversations - the parents of two of the girls involved in the oral sex incident, for example, didn't know their daughters even knew what oral sex was! Unfortunately, we have to start talking early. Also, a number of churches and youth organizations offer sex education courses for parents and kids together - beginning with 6th and 7th graders. These are especially a good idea for parents who don't feel comfortable leading a discussion on sex.

Seattle, WA: As a young adult I find my parents to be nothing more than a pain in the you know what. It seems they exist only to restrict my life. Sometimes I just wish they would die or something. Is this normal? Why do they do this? Don't they remember what it was like when they were kids?

Laura Sessions Stepp: It's normal to occasionally wish you'd find your parents in the bottom of the ocean. I know I did every once in a while. Just the fact that you're writing in makes me believe you would really like a conversation with your parents. Maybe you've tried already, but if you haven't I would suggest it. If you need to, search out another adult your parents talk to, whom you like, and ask them to help you work on your relationship to your parents. Odds are your parents really love you but are scared because they don't know how to protect you from a world that is very different from the one in which they grew up. You need to help them see that world through your eyes, and ask them to give you ways to show that you can handle yourself in it.

Silver Spring, MD: I'm continuously struck by the lack of family time and lack of parental investment in children. It's not a new problem certainly. I saw the same pattern but to a significantly lesser extent than today when I taught in a quite wealthy suburb in Connecticut. There it was far more prevalent than when I taught in an inner city school. What is causing it?

Laura Sessions Stepp: The lack of time question is easier than the investment question. Parents are consumed today with work - either to make enough money to put food on the table, or to buy their families all the gizmos that are out there now. I also think parents (moms and dads) are more absorbed in their careers. It's not just about making money but rising up the ladder, getting pats on the backs from your colleagues, etc. One of the most interesting things I learned in my research for Our Last Best Shot was that the career paths of many professionals takes off right at the time kids are entering early adolescence. This means that just when kids need them the most, mom or dad are not around as much, and when they are home, are often either on the phone or the laptop or simply thinking about work, not why Suzie wasn't invited to a party or Josh's being angry with his math teacher.

Jacqui Salmon: Laura, in your book, you urge parents to give their children more responsibility. Why is that?

Laura Sessions Stepp: Partly that's because the kids want it. They're becoming increasingly capable of taking care of themselves and others, but often not given a chance to show that. For example, think of the working parents who come home at 7, exhausted, and throw some frozen food in the microwave for the family dinner. Why not ask the teen, who's home at 3, to cook a real meal once a week or more? In the old days (if I may use that expression), kids 12 and 13 were working in their family stores, feeding their younger siblings, etc. We have taken away those opportunities for them to prove themselves to themselves (and to us.)

Philly: My son was caught driving 100 mph in the new car I just bought him. Do you think I should take away his present?

Laura Sessions Stepp: Yes, I do. For how long is a matter of negotiation and whether this was the first time he had violated the rules. He needs to prove to you over the next couple of weeks that he is capable of more mature judgement.

Arlington VA: Last night I found two tiny plastic birds in my 6-year-old son's room. When I asked him where he'd gotten them from, he admitted that he had taken them from his day camp. He has started collecting birds, especially those made of wood, and admitted it was taking too long for his collection to grow. So my question is how hard do I come down on him? I told him that what he had done was stealing and that the birds would have to be returned. He wants to mail the birds back with a letter apologizing, but I think we should take him in and have him admit in person that he took them. He doesn't want to do this because he is painfully shy. I also told him that if he ever steals things again he could be arrested and go to jail. Did I overreact? How should I handle the return?

Laura Sessions Stepp: It will stay in his mind a lot longer if he has to face the person he has wronged. So I would accompany him back to the person from whom he took the birds. But I would also convey to him that you know he will make mistakes from time to time, that you made mistakes when you were his age and sometimes still do, and that you still love him very much. It is not uncommon for kids to steal at this age, usually little things, but they are never too young to be told that it is wrong.

Jacqui Salmon: How about extracurricular activities for middle schoolers and young high schoolers? Are they important? I know that many parents run all over the place during the elementary school years to ferry their children to an endless varieties of activities. What about in those early teen years? Is it useful? Destructive?

Laura Sessions Stepp: Too many activities at this age can stress kids out to the point where they will drop everything, as the girl in my second chapter did. And that's not good, because kids this age need at least one outside activity that they enjoy (or better yet, love) doing. Some scientists are now so convinced of the importance of extra curricular activities that they call them co-curricular. They're crucial. Why? For one thing, something like the band or baseball or drama give a child something to feel good at. It often involves movement, which classwork does not. And MOST importantly at this age, it gives the kid a group to belong to - a readymade set of friends.

Upper Marlboro, MD: I have an 11 year old son about to enter the 6th grade. He will also be enrolled in the TAG program. Normally, my son finds homework easy/boring but realizes it's something he has to do. How to I prepare him for TAG studies/work? Or should I continue to do with him what I always do, i.e. review work at night, etc. I guess I just don't know what to expect with the TAG program.

Laura Sessions Stepp: Hopefully, the talented and gifted homework will challenge him so that his work will no longer be boring! Don't be afraid of that challenge, he's probably ready for it. If he's in the TAG pgm, it means that you can gradually start backing away from nightly reviews. Kids in middle school should be encouraged to be their own reviewers, to set their own goals. Can you talk to parents of kids who have gone through TAG? Can you talk in advance to his TAG teachers and ask what kind of involvement will work best? Have you talked to him about how he feels about new, tougher work? Stay in touch with the classroom and teachers, and let him take greater responsibility for his own work, always letting him know that you're there if he has questions or needs a hug.

WDC: For Seattle: If your parents were to die, as is your wish, who would pay the mortgage? YOU? Grow up and realize the world does not revolve around your little life, start thinking about all the things they have been doing for you for YEARS!! Sheesh!

Laura Sessions Stepp: Thanks for your comments.

Jacqui Salmon: OK, Laura. What's the BEST piece of advice you can give us as our children start heading back to school?

Laura Sessions Stepp: Stay in touch with your kids' world, not just his or her work. Go the ballgames, talk to other parents, seek out the guidance counselor and ask about the different cliques, etc. The more you know about his or her world, the better you can talk to your kid about everything, including schoolwork.

Jacqui Salmon: Thanks to Laura Sessions Stepp, author of a new book, "Our Last Best Shot: Guiding Our Children Through Early Adolescence." She'll be speaking and signing books at Barnes & Noble in Falls Church, Va., on Oct. 2. Join us next week for a word with a nutritionist about back-to-school healthy eating!