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Below the Beltway
Hosted by Gene Weingarten
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, Aug. 24, 2001; 11 a.m. EDT

Did the Washington Post's humor column, Below The Beltway, hit way below the belt Sunday? Was Gene Weingarten out of line when he asked Bill Gates to usher him to his seat at Katharine Graham's funeral? Come to think of it, was Gene Weingarten out of line when he declared George Bush's win a victory for the hicks, or a "hicktory?" Come to think of it, is Gene Weingarten ever IN line?

He is online, at any rate, Friday, Aug. 24 at 11 a.m. EDT, ready to take your questions, and abuse. As always, he will also accept questions about The Style Invitational, inasmuch as he is reputed to be very close to sources not unfamiliar with persons in a position to know the mysterious Czar.

Submit your questions and comments before or during the discussion.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

Arlington, Va.: My boyfriend recently broke up with me because I am funnier than he is. Men seem to be intimidated by smart women with a sense of humor. Why is that?

And where can I find a soulmate who is willing to laugh at me? In a good way, I mean. I'd Ask Carolyn, but I'm over 30.

Gene Weingarten: OK, lady. Listen up. Have you ever noticed that all advice columnists are women? Have you ever wondered why that is? Of course you have. You are a woman, so you wonder about every last detail of everything involving the complexities of human relationships. You wonder about the meaning of a sidelong glance. You obsess over the significance of a pause in conversation. You are worrying right now, for example, about what you did to offend me and get me into this rant. Here's what: You asked a relationship question to a man. We HATE relationship questions. We are no good at them. We have no sensitivity
whatsoever. Trust me, your boyfriend probably did not dump you because you are funnier than he is. That is WAAAY too complicated a motive, for a guy. He probably dumped you
because you wash your pantyhose in the shower. Guys hate that.

Silver Spring, Md.: Is it true that the Czar's cubicle is cluttered with unsent prizes?

Gene Weingarten: I am currently seated very near the Czar's cubicle, and yes, I can confirm it is filled with unsent prizes. The Czar and his assistants are notoriously absentminded and
disorganized. The absolute record for lateness in mailing a prize is six years. We still have it here. It is a can of Fish Anuses.

Alexandria, Va.: Gene, there is no question about whether your column on Sunday was in abysmal taste, of course it was. But the saddest part of it is that it was not even the least bit funny. I used to think Tony Kornheiser's Style columns about his elderly father were in poor taste, but at least they were funny. And tastewise, by comparison, on Sunday you made Tony look like a very tasteful person -- for example, like Katherine Graham.

Gene Weingarten: I've gotten some similar-sounding mail. Well, if it was offensive, whom did it offend? Bill Gates? I don't think so. He understood what i was doing, and why, and graciously participated in the joke. I think he was glad that someone actually talked to him. Was it disrespectful to the memory of Katharine Graham? I think I made it
pretty clear how much I admired her.

I think the real question is whether it was funny. I think it was, and here's why: We have this wonderful, chaotic, irrational society that creates people who are
ludicrously larger than life. These are just people, but by virtue of their fame or wealth they are so outside the reach of ordinary Joes that we cannot imagine ever
relating to them personally, or giving them a piece of our mind, or hoisting a beer with them. And by and large, they do everything in their considerable power to keep it that
way. And here was this once-in-a-deathtime opportunity for me to walk up to Bill Gates and -- representing all us plebes and proles -- remind him he is a just a guy. Yo,
Bill, you're an usher, so USH. I mean, I don't want to overstate it here, but in a sense in that column I BECAME THE HEROIC CHAMPION, OF EVERY DECENT MAN WOMAN AND CHILD
IN AMERICA. Some might compare me to the soldier who fights for America on some foreign soil, but I personally would not make that comparison.

Falls Church, Va.: I love Gene! In this overly politically correct world, I find your writing refreshing, whether it is about a "hicktory" or making Bill Gates seat you.
Go on with your bad self!

The only thing I would criticize is the sparring between you and the feminist. I just don't find her funny!

washingtonpost.com: You must feel threatened.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you. washingtonpost.com, who I happen to know is a girl, makes an interesting point. Are you a girl or a boy? Judging from the letters I get, most women love Gina
and find me a pathetic keening castrato in her presence. You're a boy, right?

Arlington, Va.: I think you're really funny, for a guy. I think Gina Barecca should have her own Post Magazine Column. Maybe you could alternate weeks?

Gene Weingarten: See? See?

The District: Kevin Smith and Woody Allen both have movies opening today. Which one would you rather see? Which would the Czar rather see?

Gene Weingarten: Woody Allen has not had a good movie since "Crimes and Misdemeanors," which was possibly the most underrated movie of all time. However, I would choose the Woody movie. so would the Czar.

Burke, Va.: Some people believe that female pop singers should be role models for our nation's young girls and lament the slouching toward sluttiness of Britney and Christina. Would you let your daughters dress like them?

Gene Weingarten: LET my daughter dress that way? You seem to be under the absurd impression that a father has any control whatsoever over how his daughter dresses. The only input a
father has is through stealth and misdirection. If, at 15, my daughter had started dressing like some perfumed pimpmeat, I would have complimented her effusively on her
good taste, and mentioned that all my friends found her clothing extremely groovy and hip and boss. That might do the trick.

Bethesda, Md.: So Bill Gates understood what you were doing, huh? Does that mean he knew who you were?

Gene Weingarten: Yes, I told him who I was. He understood instantly what I was doing, and why, and he played along.

Burke, Va.: Your humor column is called "Below the Beltway." What were some of the titles you rejected?

Gene Weingarten: I wanted the title to be "A Million Monkeys" but the editor of the magazine thought people wouldn't get it. He vetoed it.

Takoma Park, Md.: As one of the folks who bought your book a couple years back, I have a personal question. How's the Hepatitis C going? You still okay, or are you now on the "waiting list"?

LOVED your piece last Sunday! My father would have tipped Gates, and made as big a show of doing it as possible... too bad he couldn't have been there. Wonder what would've happened. I have visions of police ushering him out, waving his dollar bill and yelling, "But that young man needs the money!"

Gene Weingarten: Thank you. Most of the critics thought I was rude not to Mrs. Graham, but to Gates. Steve Luxenberg, the editor of the Outlook section, came to me yesterday and congratulated me. He said I had accomplished the impossible: Making Gates a sympathetic
character.

I appear to be cured of Hepatitis C. I have to say I am grateful to the disease because it permitted me to write a book about the incredible hilarity of dying young. I
don't miss it all that much, though, except people aren't as nice to me anymore. When you are dying, people you know -- even people who have seen you at your worst, people
around whom you have behaved selfishly, shamefully, egregiously -- begin treating you like St. Francis of Asissi. I may write about this in my column soon.

Washington, D.C.: In the fine print here, it says "guests and hosts can decline to answer questions." Have you received any questions that you decline to answer? If so, what are they?

Gene Weingarten: Yes, I am declining to answer the question about whether the Uncle of the Style Invitational was Bob Levey. I consider this question in the poorest possible taste and I refuse to dignify it with an answer.

Washington, D.C.: Do we know yet what is officially "the armpit of the country?"

Gene Weingarten: I am heading out to the armpit next week. The identity of this place will remain a closely guarded secret until publication date. National security.

Alexandria, Va.: For years your newspaper has felt compelled to label your pieces and those of your colleague Joel Achenbach "satire." Doesn't having the word "satire" underlined above the headline detract from the point of satire in the first place? Doesn't it say something about the quality of the humor that your editors are not confident enough in your prose that they must call readers' attention to its cheeky tone? What happened to the old writing rule, "Show, Don't Tell"?

Gene Weingarten: Um. Wow. Well, ahem. I would never say anything to suggest that I disagree with the policy of The Washington Post, the Greatest Newspaper on Earth.

But BOY are you right.

Rockville, Md.: I read somewhere that you are originally from Philly. So am I (Olney HS class of '69). If it's true that you are from Philadelphia, how much of your warped sense of humor can you attribute to your early upbringing? Just curious.

Gene Weingarten: I am not from Philly. I am from the Bronx, home of the Rolando Paulino All Stars, who are about to kick some serious Midwest hick butt in the Little League World Series.

Washington, D.C.: Gene,

You rock!

Any words of advice for an aspiring humor writer? How did you get where you are today? Who else do you think is funny?

Gene Weingarten: It is probably too late for you. You missed heavy drug use in the 60s.

I think Dave Barry is the best there is.

Washington, D.C.: I really liked your article about getting your diploma by mail. What kind of reaction did you get from the school?

Gene Weingarten: The "school" was basically some poor single mom working from home for some sleazeball to raise her kids. She got yelled at. I didn't feel great about that.

Fairfax, Va.: Is Lisa your moderator again today? Or did you scare her off last time and they had to find a new sucker, I mean person, to help you out?

washingtonpost.com: Lisa's on vacation, so one of her several serfs -- Liz -- is producing today. And we consider it an honor to produce Gene's show. Really.

Gene Weingarten: Liz is already getting the hang of referring to oneself in the third person, the way great people like Jimmy Hoffa and the Czar do.

Baltimore, Md.: I think you're really really funny & great. And, for the record, I am a girl...but I think you're really funny in the same goofy way as my dad is. Actually, your dust jacket photo looks a LOT like my dad...hmm. Must be Freudian. Anyway, when is your next book coming out, & can you tell us what is about?

Also, tell me about the time you ate a dog. What did it taste like?

Gene Weingarten: Gina and I are thinking of doing a book. I ate dog during the first two days of the 1964 Worlds Fair in New York. It was at the pavilion of some African country, or possibly Indonesia. It was part of a stew. They stopped serving it almost immediately, when word got out. I was 13, and recall it tasting sorta like rabbit.

North Wheaton, Md.: Why is the Q & A session typed? Are you afraid of a live Web Cast or aren't you wearing pants?

Just a Tad Curious

Gene Weingarten: I am wearing pants. But I am shirtless and some people are freaked by nipple rings.

Not Washington, D.C.: I am a girl and a feminist and I have only one thing to say to you: Will you marry me?
(I never wash pantyhose in the shower. I don't own any)

Gene Weingarten: I'm not going to answer this one. I just wanted it out there, for the record.

Fairfax, Va.: Did you end up getting tickets to the Yankee-Orioles game on Sept. 30? Can I buy you a beer if you're there?

Gene Weingarten: I did indeed. We can start the bidding at $1,200 a pop.

Fairfax, Va.: It's been eight and a half years for the Style Invitational. In your wildest dreams did you ever imagine it would last this long? How long were you expected to be tied down to this when you first started?

Gene Weingarten: Serious answer: I had no idea. I felt it would last indefinitely if the Washington area had a solid core of really funny people who liked seeing their names in print. Well, we do. So long as these people continue to enter, this contest will never become the Stale Invitational. They are brilliant; the contest survives because of them.

22207: When I read people's responses to the Style Invitational, I think that there must be a lot people in Washington, D.C. who have good senses of humor. Yet, compared with other places I've lived, people I meet seem rather humorless. Even the French are funnier than Washingtonians.

Gene Weingarten: This message came in as I was typing the last one. I think Washington is a PROFESSIONALLY humorless place. Politics discourages real humor, because real humor is politically incorrect and risky. Bureaucracy discourages humor because it is, y'know, bureaucracy. But within this world, there are people who are bootlegging GREAT senses of humor. Many of the Style Invitational regulars have real serious important boring jobs. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) is personnel director for the EPA.

Baltimore again: Oh NO!!! Are you a Yankees fan?

If so, I took back the nice things I said about you. I hate you & I want you to die.

Gene Weingarten: I grew up a few blocks from Yankee Stadium. Yes. Sorry.

Within the Beltway: What do you have against flacks? And what could a young flack do to leave a positive impression for the Gene Weingarten Experience?

Gene Weingarten: I have nothing against flacks. I feel sorry for flacks, because their job is often to cynically manipulate the truth. I do the same thing, come to think of it. But I can be mean and crass and offensive, and they have to be nice all the time.

Alexandria, Va.: Is the Gina you mention the same Gina you were in love with in second grade? That story was one of my all time favorites.

Gene Weingarten: No, sorry: Gina is the really smart and funny feminist harpie I debate in my column every once in a while. Shari was my second grade sweetie, and thank you.

Burke, Va.: A lot of people don't believe there IS a Gina Barecca. Rather, they think she's just your, um, feminine side. Is that true?

Gene Weingarten: My feminine side wouldn't be so nasty to me.

Reston, Va.: Is there an Aunt of the Style Invitational? Does it have parents, grandparents, or other relatives? An annoying little brother?

Gene Weingarten: The Style Invitational has a great uncle who molested it when it was young. It explains a lot.

Gullsgate, Minn.: G. Weingarten: I enjoyed your Gates baiting incident. In a world of gated cities, neighborhoods; and gated minds... you did indeed 'climb the barriers'... Way to go,man!... or soon we will all be walled-in or walled-out by a society stratified into pockets of elitism.

Money is but a grimy little piece of paper and cloth and other unmentionables, woven into a form that one can deposit in a pocket or a bank...and the accumulation of the same does not necessarily make you much more than a collector of sorts. So what's sacred about 'overt collectors'?

Gene Weingarten: You don't live in an unheated shack in the woods and use leaves as toilet paper, do you?

Bronx, New York: Hey, are you not answering any of my questions because I am still in the Bronx and you're jealous, or because you don't want people to know about our affair?

Gene Weingarten: Nah, Judy, I am just trying to annoy you.

The Post Newsroom: I also work at the Post. I wondered if you have noticed in the men's room nearest to the main elevators, they have installed an automatic flusher on one out of the four urinals, specifically the one third from the left.

Why? Why only one auto-flush? I theorize that there is a camera in that infra-red sensor spying on us. Is this the case?

Gene Weingarten: These auto-flush things have always bothered me. Hey, women: Do they have those things in ladies rooms?

Arlington, Va.: Are Canadians funny?

Gene Weingarten: Canadians are funny the same way a dog dragging his itchy butt on the grass. They're a riot, but they don't know it.

Alexandria, Va.: Your colleague Lloyd Grove seems to have his glamour shot all over the paper these days. Why no mug shot for you on the chat?

Gene Weingarten: Have you seen what I look like? I look EXACTLY like the way Richard Thompson draws me. It's basically a photograph.

Maxi, Minn: Have you noticed I have stuck to my pledge and not sent you any questions? This is in sharp contrast to the 4,378 questions I sent last time.

But, now, I see out my office window, a train loaded with Gypsum. It has been sitting there for this entire chat.

What do you make of that?
What the heck is gypsum, anyway?

Gene Weingarten: That is a good question. Gypsum is one of those things we learned about in seventh grade and never heard about again. Another is Venn Diagrams. Another is bauxite. What the hell is bauxite?

Ballston: Re: automatic flushes in ladies rooms

No, women can be trusted to flush without mechanical aid.

Gene Weingarten: Good one. Men are completely at sea when it comes to women and bathrooms. I was 46 years old before I learned that in public bathrooms, all women flush with their feet.

Washington, D.C.: Still on that diet? What's the current total weight loss?

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, I am still eating all I can eat, once a day, in five minutes. I am down 20 pounds. The only small disadvantage to this diet is that you are always hungry, even immediately after eating. Also, your spouse says you are a disgusting filthbag.

Intersection of Georgia and Connecticut Ave.: It's almost lunch time here. What do you eat for lunch? Do you hit the cafeteria or brown bag it? Does anyone sit with you?

Gene Weingarten: See previous. My Meal is dinner.

Burke, Va.: So how do I . . . learn about accrual financing for the Military Retirement Fund in FY 2003 . . . (Sorry, my boss just walked by -- she's gone now.) . . . get a job where I can chat all day online and get paid like you? The FBI's Internet Porn Squad?

Gene Weingarten: We aren't paid very well for doing these chats, you know. I've been meaning to talk to you about this, washingtonpost.com.

Bored ChemE: gypsum - hydrated calcium sulfate
bauxite - aluminum ore

not that anyone in their right minds should care.

Gene Weingarten: i KNEW someone would explain. Isn't Washington great?

washingtonpost.com: You get paid?

Gene Weingarten: Sigh. Ok, I am told that we're outta time. Thank you all. It was fun.