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Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn
Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, March 1, 2002; Noon EST
Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.
Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ฎ offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and thats about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.
The transcript follows.
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UK: Carolyn,
What can one say to someone who tells you it's "sad" to go out to dinner with another female on a Saturday evening?
Other than (bleep) off?
Carolyn Hax: Yeah, but then you sound angry which must mean that person's right about how sad it is. Which is why moronic comments like this are infuriating, instead of just entertaining. I think you just make a mental note of what a narrow little world that poor person must live in, and hope something funny comes out of your mouth in the process.
Indio, Calif.: My boyfriend and I have been together two years. We do not live together and aren't engaged. He prefers we spend ALL of our free time together, which is okay with me because we get along well. But if I ever have a girlfriend come stay with me for the weekend or if I make plans with friends to have drinks/dinner and stay out too late (10:30 to him is too late) then he FREAKS out. He yells, loses his temper and says mean things. Usually by the next day he is apologetic and tries to make it up to me the whole following week. Will this ever get better. Don't I need to make time for friends too?
Carolyn Hax: No, you need your boyfriend to stop being a controlling SOB. First of all, how old am I going to have to grow at this godforsaken laptop telling people that dating someone who "FREAKS out ... yells, loses his temper and says mean things" on a regular basis is BAD. Let's see if we can get this to stick.
Bad. BAD. Baaaaaaad.
Your boyfriend has insecurities that are not only obnoxious as hell, but on the brink of becoming dangerous for you. (See www.peaceathome.org, and look for the part about mates who isolate you from your friends. Take good notes.)
You have insecurities that make you think you have to put up with this potentially dangerous bullexpletive. Good life strategy: Unless you're a 3-year-old or an inmate, never, ever, ever put up with -anyone- who thinks he can tell you how you spend your time. Of course he's not going to change, because he's getting exactly what he wants. YOU can change. Will you, that is the question.
Arghs-ville: Dear Carolyn:
I need an objective, detached point of view on this one so I thought I'd share it with you for your thoughts:
My mother has a TERRIBLE (in my view) habit of asking questions which beg their own answer -- and the answer they beg tend to imply that I'm a failure. In school, she'd ask me, "So, how many D's did you get this semester?" (I was a Dean's List student.) The other day, as a continued part her running battle against my weight, she asked me, "So, how much weight have you gained recently?" (I'm fine with my weight; my friends agree that while I'm not in perfect shape, I'm not morbidly obese either.)
I've tried to show her how damaging these questions are by answering them ("I got four D's this time, Ma." and "I put on 50 lbs. last month.") but she doesn't get the hint and in fact got so upset she hung up on me for sassing her.
What to do, what to do?
Carolyn Hax: You're doing pretty well so far, I'd say--recognizing that she's the one with the problem, not giving her any traction. But she's your mother, and clearly this has gotten to you -- you even backpedaled on calling this "terrible" -- and sarcasm is the right idea with the wrong delivery. So, apologies for the pass-off, but I think the best thing for you here is some therapy. Sit down with someone and start tracing 1. the possible source of this nastiness in your mom 2. the ways it has affected your behavior that you haven't yet recognized. In these two things I think you'll start to find a little more peace in yourself, and in that you'll find a better answer for your mom.
Washington, D.C.: My fiance's mother has been diagnosed with a fatal illness. She will live for three months to a year longer. We were planning on getting married in May 2003. Now he has suggested getting married in June 2002. I'm concerned because that is so soon that we will not be able to plan the wedding we wanted, but I understand his mother wanting to be there. What should we do?
Carolyn Hax: "The wedding we wanted"? This even matters?
20005: My boyfriend and I broke up after a year, spent about six months apart, then decided to get back together again. We've been back together for about two months now and the second time around is an improvement over the first given that we both had time to work out some in-house things during the break (and we never expected to talk to each other, much less become a couple again during the break, so the repairs weren't done as a means of getting the relationship back.) However, I've realized that I don't love him. I like being with him, enjoy his company etc., but I am not IN LOVE with him. So, I'm not sure if I should continue to be in a relationship with him. Does love have to come in to play in male-female relationships for the relationship to be "successful"?
Carolyn Hax: I don't know, but the 2500th time you wake up to his face, I do believe you're going to wish you felt some.
Washington, D.C. Suburbs: Hi Carolyn,
How do you deal with a friend who is "behind" you in terms of life changes? We got married first, bought a house, and are having our second child. She just got married last year and is living in an apartment. She is always saying "I wish I had a house..." or "I wish I were pregnant." It is making me increasingly uncomfortable. (Mind you, she would probably be in a house already if she hadn't spent tens of thousands of dollars on a resort wedding. She could have had a less expensive wedding and used the money for a down payment on a house.) How do I respond to these remarks?
Carolyn Hax: It's stunning, and sad, how much time we all tend to waste trying to get from milestone to milestone, and dismissing all those days in between, which one day add up to a lifetime -- whether you have appreciated them in the process or not. If you can find some way of saying something like that without meowing, maybe you can get through.
Re: Washington wedding: You were too nice. I thought you only got questions ABOUT Bridezilla, not FROM Bridezilla.
Carolyn Hax: Oh no, the bestest ones are from the mouths of Bridezilla herself, since the beauty is in her utter failure to see the scaly beast she's become.
Arghs-ville: Carolyn: I just saw your response to me regarding my destructive mother. Thanks, I needed that. (I truly don't mean that sarcastically.) I'll likely not change her, but I'm working on making sure she doesn't change me. Again, thanks for your opinion.
Carolyn Hax: You're welcome -- and you triggered one more thought, if you can stand it. Your "working on making sure she doesn't change me" is on the right track, but there's some self-flagellation potential in there, too, because you're taking on a fight of colossal proportions. She's your mother, she has -already- changed you. Or shaped you, or at least made a major contribution to who you are. There's no fighting that, and, really, that's okay. I just think you'll feel better if you approach it instead as making sure you recognize any bad habits/patterns you picked up from her, and understanding them well enough to anticipate them.
Roanoke, Va.: (Online only please) Carolyn -- I've screwed up and I don't know what to do. Long story short, I had an affair, my wife is now having problems and she knows they are sexually transmitted. She's trying to figure out how it happened. I haven't confessed yet, but think I need to. But I don't know if the confession would help her, hurt her or just help me get stuff off my chest.
What do I do?
Carolyn Hax: Out with it. Now you've not only cheated, you've watched her suffer and question and agonize with out stepping up. Come on.
Heart palpitations: Dating bf for three years. LOVE HIM, plan on marrying him but damn I miss having a crush on someone. Sex with him is good and fun and spunky but where are those butterflies? The heart in your mouth over whether "he" will call. It's the adrenaline of the unknown. Is this normal?
Carolyn Hax: Yes, it is, and I think the official mark of being an old fart is when the whole butterfly thing just sounds like a candle lit anxiety attack. But you're not there yet, so you do have to decide whether what you have now is the best thing for you. I'm going to get a bunch of peanutisms in favor of butterflies and another bunch saying comfy sex is what life is all about, and all of them will be right for the people who think they're right. You just have to know who you are and what you need. Best I can do.
What's the rush?: So my problem is that BF said that he wouldn't want to get married until after he's a tenured professor; which is going to be ridiculously difficult, since his field (English) is over-clogged with professors. That's probably seven to 10 years from now, at least; I think this is ridiculous, since we've been together for three years, and he's already said that he wants to spend his life with me. Normally, I'm in complete agreement -- I love him, our relationship is great, he's my best friend, great sex, etc., except for the wait seven to 10 years part! Who cares that he won't have complete job security? Does ANYONE have complete job security anymore? I have a stable career. It just seems like hinging the legal joining of our relationship on such a far off event is ridiculous. Especially considering we're in our late 20s. This puts the prospect of having healthy children in jeopardy, if we don't even start trying until we're almost 40. Is he being reasonable?
Carolyn Hax: No. He also sounds like a guy who doesn't want to marry you.
Carolyn Hax: That came out much harsher than intended. Sorry. Just that he's dodging hard, and of course you should call him on it.
Probably a stupid question: Hi Carolyn. Here's the possible non-issue, went on a few dates with this guy who I have known for a while. There was kissing and general cute stuff. Everything was great. The other night conversation turned toward society and dating and self-esteem, etc. Just as an entity, not in a personal sense. Then we talked about how insecure we were when we were younger. He ended up saying some people are self-conscious but I had no reason to be self-conscious because I was "a normal girl." He went on to say he only thinks of 10 percent of the population as REALLY attractive. Pretty much everyone else, he says, is normal. I think I am a great person, and I think I look nice, and I keep telling myself that he didn't mean it that way. But, I don't want to see him right now. I feel immature. I may not be drop-dead-gorgeous but I want a guy I am involved with to see me as more than "normal." I want to be seen as more. I now am worried he is "settling" on me, like "I'll do" for now. We've only dated a bit, so ending it now wouldn't be a huge deal. Do you think that what I am saying has merit or am I being a big whiney baby?
Carolyn Hax: Actually, I think it's a great question. Can I hedge on the answer? What you say has merit, but I think you're also reading too much into what he said. I don't think many women whose mates think they're the most beautiful women in the world -- which is a pretty cool thing, you're right to want it -- really believe their mates see them as walking magazine covers. The "most beautiful" comes from so many more places than the physical -- the expressions, the intelligence and love behind them, the lines and lumps and freckles you can see without seeing. You guys were having an intellectual discussion, dissection really, of the purely physical -- and so while calling you "normal" wasn't the most graceful move in datedom, it seems forgivable given the context.
Out West: Carolyn:
Maybe it's "trouble with Mom" Friday. My relationship with my mother has been strained off and on for most of my life. Only lately (I'm in my early 30s) have I begun to acknowledge that she may be an alcoholic and part of our problems may stem from that. Things are particularly strained right now, and I think I will have to talk to her about it. The problem is, I really don't know how. Any suggestions?
Carolyn Hax: See other ugh-Mom answer. Understanding yourself is the best way to understand her, which in turn is the best way to approach her. Good luck.
BTW, if you missed the notice last week, we're here for two hours today and every Friday for the rest of March, while the Monday hour's on ice. Thankyouverymuchly.
Northern Virginia: I've got the Bridezilla moment of the week.
I'm in a wedding this summer. The bride and groom are Catholic, as are the other people in the wedding party. I was confirmed as a teen, but have since converted to Judaism. the bride REFUSES to acknowledge this, saying that I am still Catholic. She's having a full mass during the ceremony, which is perfectly fine, but she is now insisting that I take communion. and in order to take communion, I have to go to confession. So she's taken it upon herself to make a special appointment for me to go the night before the wedding, and she said she would drive me to make sure that I go!
Should I shred the bridesmaid dress before I send it back to her?
Carolyn Hax: Nah. When it comes to Statements, I'm a minimalist. Maybe a discreet little mustard stain.
Sherman, Tex.: Dear Carolyn,
My wife wants to move out and file for divorce. To protect our daughter's feelings she wants us to pretend it is mutual decision. Is this lie OK?
Carolyn Hax: Not if it makes you bitter and the bitterness makes you say mean little asides about your ex-wife in front of your daughter. Not that I'm suggesting you'll do this, you might be handling things brilliantly -- but that's the first thing I think of when I see two splitting parents who aren't impressed with each other's strategies with the kid. A session or two with a family therapist/trained clergyperson/mediator might work wonders on this whole process, and neither of you gets away with any version of "No, the kid isn't worth it" -- which is what refusing to go along with it amounts to.
I'm such a bully today.
Holy matrimony batman!: Excuse me?! If someone converted to ANOTHER religion, what priest would voluntarily take a confession, much less administer communion? How retarded is this bride, and more importantly, why is this person still friends with her?
Carolyn Hax: 1. Very 2. She's apparently not any more.
Bethesda, Md.: Hi Carolyn and Lisa,
Slightly fluffy etiquette question. I'm on a diet, and though it's not prescribed by a doctor it's important to me because I'm very overweight and really need to stick to it and keep losing (have lost 35 lbs so far). Usually I don't have to bother people about my diet because I can either make do wherever we're eating, or not go overboard if there's nothing to make do with. However, what does one do if you're staying with someone for a few days? It feels rude to bring my own food, but it also feels rude to inform them of my diet, as if I am instructing personal chefs. Whaddaya think?
Carolyn Hax: I think if I had a houseguest who was on a strict diet, I'd appreciate a chance to stock the right things. Or, the chance not to go out and buy a cartful of the wrong things and force said houseguest either to pick at the food or not be able to enjoy it.
Obviously, if these aren't friends you'll be staying with and you feel you'll be putting them out, you do seem to have the choice of playing along; a couple of days is not going to ruin everything. But, again, if you were my friend, I'd hate that you kept quiet vs. giving me a chance to accommodate, since that's what it is to be a host. So. Let them know, and offer to bring things/cook for them/whatever.
Congratulations, btw, on your willpower.
Re: Washington wedding: Carolyn,
I think you were way too harsh and dismissive and here's why: when you are near someone is dying, you still care about/worry about your life and the things that were important to you before, you just feel guilty about doing it. For many women, their wedding is something that is very important to them. When faced with giving up the wedding you want to have for any reason, even if it is the terribly sad reason in this case, you're going to feel a pang of loss. It's both normal and natural that you would. Her whole happy life has been turned upside down and as sad as she is for her fiance and his family, she is sad for herself too because she wants her old life back. There's no point in dismissing these feelings as selfsih -- they're completely natural. This bride just needs some time to put things in perspective and readjust but you're dismissing her as a selfish b***h could not have been less helpful.
As a side note, a friend of a friend pulled off a great wedding in a week when she heard her mother's cancer had returned. This girl can do it too with a little help!
Carolyn Hax: It is natural to feel selfish sometimes. And when you indulge those feelings, it is childish. I stand by my answer. Sometimes, even a bride has to grow up.
Alexandria, Va., again: Hi Carolyn,
Thanks for answering my question last Friday about guys asking fathers for daughter's hand in marriage! It's a bit more complicated than I made it sound, though. My father would be very offended and hurt if my BF didn't come chat with him before proposing. I'm not sure how long it would take dad to get over it, possibly too long. BF doesn't want to get on my father's bad side from the get go, which I understand, but I am SO fundamentally opposed to being figuratively passed off from one male to another. Should I just suck it up to keep the peace?
Thanks!
Carolyn Hax: A bunch of people wrote in that they finessed this same problem by going to both sets of parents and asking their blessing, vs. permission. Maybe that'll do it?
Left wondering: Often, though, the source of the unhappiness is something else entirely, but the marriage takes the fall anyway because it's there and it's easy to blame."
This is what happened in my own marriage, though it was my husband blaming the marriage and bringing it to an end. It seems that too often, people are unwilling to dig for the real reasons for their unhappiness. Any thoughts on why? Does not thinking about their unhappiness lead them to happiness? In the words of my husband in his refusal to go to counseling "I don't want to think about my sh***y life," which he didn't for over 20 years by drinking heavily. Meanwhile, in my case, I have no choice BUT to deal with my unhappiness. Some growth experience. Any advice for moving on past an experience like this?
Carolyn Hax: Seems to me that no longer having to live with someone who buries feelings like that is its own reward, but I realize that's not particularly helpful if you;re not feeling this naturally.
Maybe understanding him will help, though I can only throw things out there to consider. I think the reason people are unwilling to dig is pretty basic: They don't want to admit ugly things about themselves. Like the bride who just wrote in -- it's so much easier to defend some lifelong princess fantasy as normal than it is to say, wow, I -was- being selfish. I mean, how many people see an admission of unlikability as the high point of their day? Of course, it usually ends up being just that, because embracing your faults is the only way to get past them, but the embracing itself can be hell. For someone like your husband, who doesn't sound emotionally equipped to stare down difficult things, it can be unthinkable. So, blur it all with a drink. (You, by the way, do have a choice, there's always a choice, to face something or run -- give yourself credit for dealing.)
One last thing, not about your situation but related to it -- sometimes, the marriage goes down because the person was unhappy going into it. Ie, marriage itself wasn't at fault, but was a product of other faults. A third possibility.
Fairfax, Va.: One comment re: Roanoke's query in telling his wife about his affair. He said she got an STD and is confused about how it happened? Wouldn't that imply that SHE is having an affair too? I mean, if she's monogamous, the ONLY place she would get it would be from him -- so there wouldn't be any confusion. Am I right?
Of course, if this is a new relationship it might be a question of dormancy, but my first read of it was "well, if she's confused, that means there are options as to where she got it."
Carolyn Hax: I don't necessarily agree that having options -automatically- means she was unfaithful, but it is of course a possibility and I think it's interesting that both the cheating husband and I missed that. Hmm.
Arlington. Va.: Carolyn -- love your column. My question: I have started dating a man who is wonderful -- fun, energetic and interesting -- but he appears to have an obsession with his mother. He is constantly telling me how much he loves his mother, how pretty she is and how she is his favor person on earth. At first I thought it was very sweet but it seems that his affection goes beyond the normal "mommy complex" that men experience (for example, his mother discusses her sex life in detail with him). I think this is a deal breaker for our relationship. Would you agree? Should I tell him the reason why I am ending things if he should ask?
Carolyn Hax: Yes, yes, and yikes.
Los Angeles, Calif.: Carolyn, I have a dilemma. My cousin has just gotten engaged to a great guy -- he treats her nicely, respects her, loves her. I really like him. However, he is not of the same cultural background we are. Her parents called me over the weekend to ask me to talk to her about her choice, especially because I am engaged to someone of our cultural background. (I said "I'm engaged to X, who happens to be our cultural background; I didn't seek him out because he's our cultural background.") Anyway, we've also been raised to do what our elders want us to do -- and my aunt and uncle are definitely my elders. So I said I would talk to her, but I don't really know what to say. I don't want to tell her "don't marry Joe," because I think her parents' reasons are invalid (if he is hurtful to her, that's another issue). But it pains me that her parents are willing to lose her over this. How can I phrase her parents' concern without offending her, or my sensibilities? Thanks!
Carolyn Hax: You said you'd talk to her about her choice, you didn't say you'd try to talk her out of it. Tell her you know she's facing some tension over marrying outside the culture, and also that you like the fiance, and so if she ever wants to talk to someone who understands both sides, you're happy to listen. You can even ask her how she feels about that whole aspect of the marriage, get her talking about her reasoning and expectations. She's going to need to know her own mind on this if she's going to weather the disapproval/disowning storm. And by either helping her through the thought process or by learning she's already there, you meet your elder obligations. Right?
Silver Spring, Md.: Fairfax, Va.'s response to the cheating husband was such a ridiculous rationalization! If I found myself with an STD I'd be confused as heck too, because I trust my husband. Even though I know I haven't been fooling around, I'd never accuse him. She's probably "confused" because she's thinking "maybe you really CAN get it from a toilet seat? Or trying on a bathing suit without underwear?"
The cheater needs to come clean, rather than hooking on to Fairfax's suggestion that the wife must be screwing around, too.
Carolyn Hax: He still needs to come clean, absolutely -- I hope no one sees an implied (and decidedly unintended) out for that. Ugh.
Carolyn Hax: I'm here, just in a long-answer rabbit hole.
Washington, D.C.: Dear Carolyn,
I'm a college freshman and wonder what you think about alcohol usage in college. At what point does it indicate a problem? I know people will drink, and I don't mind it, but when I see my good friend's boyfriend absolutely plastered more weekends than not and her having to take care of him, I have to wonder where one draws the line. Sorry if I'm not making any sense, but what do you think?
Carolyn Hax: It makes perfect sense, so I must be wasted.
Hard to know where to draw the line, in anything, really, but you can usually get pretty close using facts and context. Re alcohol in college, there's a lot to take into account. Binge drinking is always bad, there's where you start. It's also common. Some -- I think I can even say most -- get through the collegiate binge-binge more or less unscathed, but the most dangerous element to this truth is that luck decides this more than anything else. One binge dude is predisposed to alcoholism, one isn't, first one crashes and burns. Oh well! One blotto girl wanders home unscathed, one dances with blotto guy who has sex with her that she doesn't remember. Oh well! I'm being flip to make a point -- it's -that- random. The answer of course is not to get so blotto that you're no longer capable of making decisions for yourself, but I also know that people are going to keep choosing to ignore that answer and take their chances.
So. Your good friend's drunk guy. Obviously there's somewhat of a problem because he's wrecking his body and your friend is playing nurse every weekend. She should draw the line there, IF she resents having to play nurse every weekend. Maybe in her calculus, he's worth it, I don't know because you're the one writing. And maybe he'll hit 23 and realize he's sick of wasting entire days with a hangover and he'll quit getting plastered, no harm done, and he'll still be with your friend and they'll live happily ever after. Or, not, because the luck goes bad and the binges catch up with him.
One thing you can do is get info that helps you (or her or him) judge, even predict, where there's a problem. There's a good site from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism -- www.niaaa.nih.gov -- that gives the warning signs.
I know I missed something here.
Manassas, Va.: The Fairfax guy would be an IDIOT to tell his wife about the affair. If he did so, he'd put himself in legal jeopardy for the divorce since she could sue on grounds of adultery. If she really thinks she could have gotten the STD from another source, let her think that. He's going to pay enough to his divorce lawyer anyway -- he doesn't need to lose his case before even getting to the judge.
Carolyn Hax: Hello? He already put himself in legal jeopardy when he had the stinkin' affair. Accountability, where art thou.
Roanoke, Va. (again): She seemed to phrase it as if she knows she hasn't done anything wrong, but wasn't really accusing me either. It almost seemed like she was giving me an opening to confess, but I didn't take it. This sounds lame, but the timing was wrong. Had a babysitter waiting and it isn't a conversation that can be had in five minutes.
Carolyn Hax: That makes sense. I also don't think the bad-timing comment is lame; having someone waiting for you is pressure that conversation doesn't need. But you need the conversation. You seem ready to have it.
Atlanta, Ga.: Carolyn,
I really enjoy both your chats and your column. I have a question about my husband. It seems he has struck up a friendship with a woman he works with. While they have never actually met, they talk quite frequently via e-mail and on the phone. She is based in Germany and he is, of course, here. He has taken to trying to speak a few words of German at home. When we go to a German restaurant, he tries to order in German. While annoying, I'm all for expanding one's horizons. And I would not tell him I find it annoying because I'm not really sure why I do. My problem is that he seems to be spending an awful lot of energy on her. He likes her taste in movies, books, etc. He is not talkative with me during the work day. He says he is too busy for more than an e-mail or two (never longer than a sentence or three). I've talked to him about how uncomfortable I am with the situation and he says I'm letting my imagination run wild. I'm not sure what to do now. It seems silly to get so upset about this woman he has never met (but may in the future on a business trip this year). Am I out of bounds here? Am I overreacting?
I'd appreciate any help at all.
Carolyn Hax: Actually, I think you might be mis-reacting, if there is such a thing. You're worrying (and he's dismissing) along the standard infidelity lines, which is a little absurd -- but there is a big and legitimate worry in the amount of his energy you used to get and that is now going to someone/thing/place else. If he were this absorbed by a buddy or a game or an antique car, you'd still have the same grievance, and it's a fair one. Try to approach it that way.
Carolyn Hax: Dunno about you but I'm fried. Thanks for rolling with the sked change, and type to you way too much next Friday. Happy weekend.
Roanoke, Va. (again): I do take responsibility for it. And I'm scared to death of divorce and losing my relationship with my kids.
I've talked to my priest and a counselor and my own doctor and the response has been mixed. The priest says see if her doctor can take care of her, but if she asks, definitely be honest.
I'm rambling here, mostly because I'm scared. I'm most likely going to tell her tonight, but am terrified to do so.
I know there are no easy answers or solutions and I have to live with what I've done and the consequences they bring.
Carolyn Hax: I know you do; I was thwacking Manassas.
That sounds dirty.
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