Weekly Schedule
  Message Boards
  Transcripts
  Video Archive
Discussion Areas
  Politics
  Nation
  World
  Metro
  Business
  Technology
  Sports
  Style
  Entertainment
  Travel
  Health
  Home & Garden
  Post Magazine
  Food & Wine
  Books & Reading
  Viewpoint
  Jobs

  About Live Online
  About The Site
  Contact Us
  For Advertisers

Tell Me About It author Carolyn Hax
Carolyn Hax
(The Post)
Video: Carolyn Hax on NewsChannel 8 (Feb. 14)
Tell Me About It
Tell Me About It Live Archive
About Carolyn
Style Section
Entertainment Section
All Live Online Transcripts
Subscribe to washingtonpost.com e-mail newsletters
mywashingtonpost.
com
-- customized news, traffic, weather and more


Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, Aug. 16, 2002; Noon EDT

Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.

Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.

The transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

dingbat

To read the most recent responses, click "Get New Responses"
or select "Automatically Update Page."


Washington, D.C.: Hi Carolyn,
My husband has lied repeatedly over the past three years that we have been together. He has lied about being married (when we first met he was married) and he has cheated repeatedly. I know that I should leave him, but it's so hard because I love him so much. Is there any help for people that want to leave their spouses but don't have the inner strength to do so?

Carolyn Hax: Therapy. Or, leaving. There's nothing like doing something you think you can't do to prove to yourself that you can.


Winston-Salem, N.C.: Welcome to the Winston-Salem Journal, Carolyn! I have missed your column tremendously since leaving the D.C. area almost two years ago. I remember how "large" your column was when it was printed in The Post. Down here only 1-2 questions are answered each time (twice/week). Do you get to pick which parts of your Post column make it into our lame paper, or does our paper decide? Miss the cartoons. Glad you're here!

Carolyn Hax: Thanks muchly. Check the W-SJ text against washingtonpost.com--you might be getting the whole thing. Now that Tell Me is 3 x per week, it's a little shorter. Bitch about the cartoons, though, to the editors there. They have access to the cartoons, and reader pressure is the only way they'll change their minds about running them.


Melancholy: Dear Carolyn:

My boyfriend is going camping alone with his ex-girlfriend next weekend. He says they are just good friends. I don’t think he’s lying to me –- he is scrupulously honest -– but think he might be in denial about his unresolved feelings for her. The underlying issue here is that, though perfect in every other way, he is an emotional *#$%-wit. He literally doesn’t seem to have emotions. I have enough for both of us. If I were as coldly logical as him, I would of course just break up with him since we are obviously incompatible emotionally. (Though if I were as coldly logical as him we wouldn’t be incompatible emotionally.) However, I love the blockhead. And he dangles carrots by saying he wants to learn how to feel more and thinks I can help him. And I wonder if I can learn to feel less. Do you have any words of wisdom for me?

Carolyn Hax: Is this what you want out of life? Yes/No.

Either "nit" become an expletive, or there's a great new word out there.


Three columns a week-ville: So Carolyn, I love the idea of the column running three times a week, but it seems that the same number of column inches have been divided by three instead of by two. Am I wrong? The columns seem to be teasing me now. Just a taste of the good Hax advice/wit/sarcasm/etc., but not enough to really satisfy.

I know, I know, we're never happy.

Carolyn Hax: That's okay, neither am I. You're exactly right about the word count. It's funny, though--in practice, it's turned out to be a lot more than just shifting the weight. Writing short is different.


%^&*-wit: I think she meant f&-k-wit.

read Bridget Jones, m'dear!

Carolyn Hax: Do I have to? I read a chapter and was crawling up the walls. Thanks for bringing me into the 90s.


Brooklyn, N.Y.: After four years with a sweet, smart, funny, cool boyfriend, he tells me he's feeling weird. That sometimes I feel "more like his best friend" than girlfriend, although the sparks still fly in bed. We are best friends -- which is something many couples I know will never reach -- but we have many of our own friends and interests. He says he's afraid of/confused by the feeling -- the love and the friendship together. I think the combo is an awesome, amazing thing. What do you think about dating your "best friend?"

Carolyn Hax: I think it's great if the sparks still fly in bed, but what I think is completely irrelevant. What does HE think and, not incongruously, how old are you both? What looks like the Holy Grail at 30 and over can be mistaken for settling if you don't have the kind of experience it takes to tel the difference. If he's feeling weird, step back and let him go figure out what he wants.


Arlington, Va.: I'm getting married in a few months and am having seriously cold feet. I've been with my fiancee for 11 years (since we were 16) and I do love her, but maybe not IN love with her anymore. The relationship has become somewhat boring and I find myself attracted to other girls. My problem is cancelling at this point would be totally devastating to her and her parents -- to the point where they might come after me (somewhat joking). Any advice?

Carolyn Hax: No, marrying her at this point would be totally devastating to her and her parents. Grow up.


Southern Maryland: A friend (not a super-close one) cannot live within her means (she's a store clerk). She declared bankruptcy several years ago, and since then, has acquired a dozen credit cards and amassed a new (over $10,000) debt.

I loaned her a small amount of money (only what I could afford to lose), and now she wants me to co-sign a loan for her. I just can't! She shows no indication of even grasping her situation, and thinks she can improve it though sheer will, rather than... um... not buying things!

Is there something else I should be doing for this woman? Is there anything else I can do, somewhere I can refer her to? I just don't know how to help.

Carolyn Hax: Send her to the nearest Consumer Credit Counseling Service and stop lending her money.


Not that this is a book discussion, but: I found it interesting you didn't like Bridget Jones. She certainly doesn't conduct her life like anyone who has read two words of your column, for sure. On the other hand, I'm an avid fan of yours, but was still completely amused by BJD, perhaps because while I strive to live more like we talk about here, deep down, I could relate to bits of her craziness.

Carolyn Hax: I dunno, all tastes have a certain amount of range built in. Some perfectly respectable people, for example, didn't think "The English Patient" was excruciating self-important drivel. Some stuff can just hit you the wrong way or at the wrong time. (Though the BJD movie version left me thoroughly uncharmed as well.)I was completely amused for a few pages, then completely tired of it. A lot of pages from one gimmick.


Too much information, U.S.A.: Hi Carolyn,

A friend of mine is going through some fertility problems, and over the months I've become her confidante -- to the point that I get an in-depth update every time she goes to the doctor (which is sometimes as often as twice a week). While I am trying to be supportive, I must admit it's starting to get me down, and I'm feeling less and less sympathy every time she talks about it. This makes me feel like I'm being mean. I know she's going through a hard time, but is there some way I tactfully distance myself from this a bit in order to save my own sanity without hurting her feelings?

Carolyn Hax: This is going to sound manipulative, but i don't mean it to be. There is a solid school of thought that the whole concept of "venting," or even just talking freely about things that are getting us down, is actually counterproductive, in that it allows us to dwell on--and, in fact, even forces us to keep re-living--emotions that we would otherwise be getting over naturally. This doesn't include discussing unresolved things, but things that just are--like infertility or a dead-end job or an already-fully-analyzed breakup.

So, and here's the close-to-manipulative part, the best advice for your friend right now might be -not- to relive each appointment in such depth--to allow room in her mind and heart for other things. If she has new or confusing feelings she'd like to share, then you're right there for her.

Maybe if you come clean about your state of mind, that you're starting to feel the weight of it all yourself, and therefore wondering now if talking about it is actually good for -her-, will take the self-serving edge off your suggestion.


Washington, D.C.: I am in my mid-20s and was adopted as a child. My parents have been very honest with me about the adoption (how could they not, it was a transracial adoption) -- however, when I was hospitalized this spring I decided to get medical information about my biological parents just in case.

New York State has an adoption bank which keeps non-identifying information concerning bioligical parents for adoptees. When I received the information concerning my adoption it contradicted what my parents have told me -- my mother was not 16, she was 22, she was not Native American and she was raped.

I am giving my parents the benefit of the doubt here. I have heard horror stories about the agency my parents went through to get me and how they out and out lied to families. Should I say something to mom and dad or just file the information away?

Carolyn Hax: Depends on what you would do with the information you got from talking to Mom. If they did in fact change your story in an attempt to protect you, are you ready to listen, hear them out, forgive? Or does your loving them for who they are and what they've done for you for 20-something years rest on a need to believe it was the agency's fault?


College Park, Md.: Why do people think that it's better to get married when they have doubts, and then go through a divorce, not to mention paying for the meaningless wedding, rather than cancelling the wedding in the first place? It seems pretty clear to me that both options suck, but ending things pre-wedding has to be better.

Carolyn Hax: But to think that way, you need to be the kind of mature that doesn't find itself staring down the barrel of an unwanted wedding. Catch-22.


Carolyn Hax: Another book I think I was supposed to have liked but couldn't get through. Laughed out loud for the first 30 pages though.


For Southern Maryland: Unless you are prepared to pay off that loan yourself, DON'T cosign anything!

I made a similar mistake a few years ago, and almost ended up with bad credit when I found out my friend had neglected to make any payments. Nothing like getting a 'deadbeat' letter to wise you up.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks--the cosigning part seemed so beyond the bounds of sanity that I forgot even to address it.


Washington, D.C.: Carolyn:

Do you think it's possible to be in love with two men at once? I'm in love with my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with him, yet find myself incredibly in love with another man at the same time (believe me when I say it really, truly is love, not lust). What do you think?

Carolyn Hax: The heart is a very big place.

That said, I think one chamber is not being completely honest with the others.


Mclean, Va.: Carolyn,
This is a related question... What if you have found the one, best friend etc.. and the sparks don't fly in the bedroom? I recently got engaged and one of my friends was saying that she thought it was bizarre that my fiancee and I only have sex once a week. I enjoy it, but no -- it's not like it was when we first started that stage of our relationship. Is this abnormal?

Carolyn Hax: Who's this friend, and why is she in bed with you?

If the doubts are about your happiness and they're yours now, heed them, regardless of their source. If they're strictly am-I-normal? stuff, wave them off and ask her where she gets her information about longstanding relationships. I'd be curious.

Mind you, we're mostly an anecdotal shop here at TMAI, but if it makes you feel better--for a "settled" relationship, once a week ain't bad.



Chicago, Ill.: Carolyn, I hope you can help us. I got married this weekend and received some truly hideous gifts (unfortunately, not hideous enough to keep, just hideous enough to be someone's idea of nice). We need to write thank you cards but we're planning on returning some gifts (one card we got read "Saw your registry but thought this was more appropriate than what you picked."). What do we say on the cards? Should we tell people we're returning their gifts? Some of them will be visiting us and may ask about the gifts -- how do we handle that? And how can we stop acting so churlishly when people went out of their way to give us stuff? I feel so stupid that I feel "let down" when frankly, people are being nice to us!

Carolyn Hax: Well then, WHY are you being this way? Can't stop it unless you know what it is you're stopping.

As for the thank you notes, egads, no, do not slap the people you're thanking with your opinion of their taste. The whole point of a gift is the thought, and the whole point of the note is to show gratitude for the thought. Anything else is rude.

If people come over and ask where their gifts are, then they're being rude. Just say you got more beautiful things than you can use all at once. Or something. It's just a matter of courtesy and finesse.


Washington, D.C.: I disagree with your comment implying that mature people don't end up staring down the barrel of an unwanted wedding. I was in that situation, and don't think I was immature. Things happened between the engagement and the wedding that brought out a troubling side of my fiance (and we'd been going out for two years) -- it was like, she got what she wanted, and finally exhaled. At some point I knew that didn't want to get married, but calling it off was tough. Not wanting to disappoint people close to you, like your mom, is not a sign of immaturity. Now, going through with bad decisions in order not to disappoint others can definitely be just such a sign. But again, people end up in bad situations for lots of reasons, immaturity is just one of them.

Carolyn Hax: I see your point, but I also see that your fiancee had a major maturity shortage that the quality of your relationship allowed you to miss. Please don't get defensive when I say this--you're talking to a woman who is now divorced because she was too immature to have married when she did.


RE: Chicago "bad gifts": I really think the writer should re-think returning the gifts all together. It's clear the couple understands the "thought that counts" principle, and I think if they take it a step further, they might realize that if they keep the gifts they will, many years down the road, have a remembrance of someone thinking well enough of the couple to give the couple what they thought was a nice gift.

Carolyn Hax: Nice point, thanks.


Wedding Presents: For the person who is feeling let down by the wedding presents:
I got married two years ago and got a bunch of stuff that I hadn't registered for, and which I thought was weird -- not my style. I didn't return any of it, I just packed it away out of sight. This past month when I moved I came across all the presents again. The stuff that I hadn't registered for was actually a lot more meaningful at this point. It reminded me of the INDIVIDUALS who had selected it for us, which brought back memories of times shared with them at our wedding.
Just another take on the weird stuff that people pick for you.

Carolyn Hax: Emphasis in numbers, thanks.


Baltimore, Md.: ONLINE ONLY, PLEASE. Twenty-something man and woman break up, no expectations of getting back together. Man dates another woman during several-month-long break-up, sleeps with her. Man and original woman get back together, woman never asks about what man did during break-up, but man never volunteers it. Resumed relationship goes great. Three months later, woman finally asks. Man tells truth, then woman asks if he slept with other woman. Man tells truth. Woman gets very angry and hurt.

Two questions: (1) Is man wrong? (2) What can man do to make woman get through this, because he does feel terrible that woman is hurt, even if he doesn't feel he needs to accept blame? Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: (1) Woman is way wrong. (2) Man must be careful about helping woman through this because he risks minimizing or backpedaling. It happened, it really had nothing to do with her, and she needs to learn something about accepting life as it comes. Not easily taught by another.


Washington, D.C.: I returned some of my wedding gifts. You register for a reason -- no one needs four crystal picture frames, a statue of a dolphin, or a ceramic rooster sitting in a box in their closet forever. Just write the note saying thanks, then return what you won't use. I am willing to bet that is proper etiquette -- check the most recent Emily Post.

Carolyn Hax: The whole point of wedding gifts, I thought, was to help a new couple set up a new household. The gifts therefore tend to be useful, and if they're not going to be used, I see nothing wrong with exchanging for something that will be used--especially if the new thing is in the spirit of the returned one--kitchen for kitchen, bath for bath, etc. When people cross over into getting all meaningful (note to people: unless you know the couple really really well, please don't), then it's more of a judgment call. Still, even then, the gift is supposed to be for the pleasure of the recipient, period. If I gave a couple a ceramic rooster* they didn't want, I would HOPE they'd return it.



*One of the best unasked-for wedding gifts I got was a ceramic chicken pitcher, which reminded my mom of the old ceramic chicken creamer she had, which we used to use while making barf sounds (they really are disgusting--the mouth is the spout), which amused us endlessly, which inspired Mom to give me the creamer, which turned into a chicken pitcher collection, which is never used without said barf sounds. As you can imagine, dinner at my house is a highly sought-after invitation.


Washington, D.C.: My boyfriend's family likes me as a person, but they think I am bad for having dated their son/brother when he was two months away from finalizing his divorce. In their eyes I am a "bad girl." I am nice to them and respect them because they are his family and they are generally nice people. But I wonder how I should deal with this tension once we are family. What are your thoughts? (Online, please.)

Carolyn Hax: No, they are not generally nice people if they are judging you more harshly than they are their son. What is your boyfriend saying/doing about this?


Somewhere, USA: Herpes. I have it. Aside from feeling less-than-positively toward myself for what amounts to bad luck (yes, Virginia, you can get herpes from oral sex with someone who gets cold sores, even if they don't have an active one at the moment). I am pretty freaked out at the prospect of telling future partners that I can't picture getting intimate with anyone again. And I'm still too young to be writing off that aspect of life.

Now I know that tons of people out there have herpes and HPV and heaven knows what else, so it shouldn't be a huge deal. And I know that anyone who would run screaming or act like a glass bowl when told is not worth my time or attention. And I've even read all about how and when to tell a prospective partner. HOWEVER, I cannot seem to shake this worry that upon mention of this situation, said prospective partner will freak out and leave. Any words of advice?

Carolyn Hax: Nope. Just that the payoff for having said something really scary and difficult is always big enough to offset the reaction of any doinks who can't handle it. True of all difficult things.


Missouri: Do you have any advice for a chronic procrastinator? I'm a student without structure or a schedule (research degree) and am having major trouble buckling down, as it were. I never had this problem when I had classes and set due dates! I've tried making my own schedule and setting my own goals but I never make them. Help!

Carolyn Hax: If I weren't a chronic forgetter, I would have a technique to share with you that I was once taught, but it completely escapes me right now. Big help, I know.

But I have an unstructured life, too, and I have a feeling some of that mystery technique worked its way into my daily habits, which are: 1. set intermediate, artificial deadlines. 2. withhold leisure until they are met. 3. don't attempt the hardest things first. Make progress on the easier but also necessary things until you get some momentum. E.g.--when I can't write, I read mail, and when I OD on mail, I read newpapers and supporting stuff on depression, STDs, high schools, whatever. 4. when it really ain't happening, quit for the day. it's possible to get far more from eight hours of walking, errands and laundry than out of eight hrs of unproductive stress. go, relax, come back fresh. 5. don't do No. 4 more than once every week or two.


Washington, D.C. Again: He is on my side. They judge him even more harshly than they judge me. He does not like people judging other people and is very disappointed. It doesn't help that they are proud conservative Catholics and I am not a Christian. Should I just live my life and ignore them?

Carolyn Hax: Yep. He's on your side, that's all you need. In fact, since he's in the worse position than you are, the best thing you can do is let it roll off your back. Tough but a great act of love.


Austin, Tex.: My husband handled the herpes announcement REALLY well. I recommend it.

We'd been dating for a while, and one night we were fooling around to the point where one could anticipate that sexual health was about to become relevant. He stopped, sat back, and said, "There's something I have to tell you. I desperately don't want to, but I absolutely have to. I have herpes simplex I." He had a little brochure-type-thing about symptoms and how one gets it, in his desk, and we talked about it for a while.
Totally simple announcement, no drama, and obviously, it didn't put me off.

Don't treat it like some horrible embarrassing DISEASE when you tell someone -- you'll make it seem like something tragic, and it just isn't.

Carolyn Hax: Nicely done, thanks.


Moose in New Jersey: Carolyn, your chicken pitcher story made me laugh out loud! I have a moose collection (started by moi too many years ago to admit), and I have a moose creamer that is totally gross--but always good for laughs around the table after a great dinner with friends. The spout is just a tiny round hole, so you get a stream coming out of the moose's nose -- maybe we should have a dinner party together?! Thanks again for a good laugh!

Carolyn Hax: I'm in, but trying to reproduce moose-expectorating sounds could get messy.


Chicago, Ill.: Hi, Carolyn. I have a bit of a sensitive question. My wife and I have been married for three years. We have our ups and downs but over all we do pretty well. The other night my wife mentioned, unprompted, that she'd always fantasized about group sex. I'm glad she feels she can tell me these things, but she knows from previous conversations that I don't like or approve of that. She wasn't directly pressuring me to do it, but I don't think she was telling me just for sport, either. What should I do about this?

Carolyn Hax: Ask her if she was serious or telling you just for sport. Even if she admits to the former, you can still say no--but the openness might help.


Somewhere, USA: Chicken Pitcher

Well, it says it's an ideal gift for newlyweds.

Carolyn Hax: I'm not one for commercial endorsements, but it seems wrong to deny you all a visual.


Ames, Iowa: I lived with my (future) husband for seven years, now we've been married for seven. We have a beautiful three-year-old daughter, we're remodeling our house, and I have NO intention of walking out on the family. BUT, I have no (and I mean NO) sexual attraction for my husband, and I find myself thinking he's pretty shallow and stupid a lot. You may call it settling, but I'm not interested in leaving or a divorce. What should I do?

Carolyn Hax: What have you left me to say? Develop healthy interests, and the more you can share with him, the better. Give yourselves something else to talk about.


RE: Missouri: Definitely understand the procrastination issue - for me it was untreated ADHD (which is NOT uncommon in adults) which followed me into Grad School as well. Knowing what I do now about this easily treatable condition has helped me to stop beating myself up. See a professional who can make the diagnosis. Hope this helps.

Carolyn Hax: Hope so too, thanks.


Re: Procrastination: As a freelance writer, I have a similar situation and often find it much more appealing to wash dishes than writer.
But I've had success with scheduling things like appointments or lunches with friends and telling myself that a certain amount of work has to be done by then. Also, rather than making myself work for a certain amount of time, I sit down to do a certain amount of work - say write x pages. I'm much more likely to pound them out in half the time it would normally take so that I can get up and do something else. The quality always ends up being better, since it's more from the subconscious and I'm not trying to edit myself as I go.

Carolyn Hax: I totally agree on the setting quantity goals vs. time. Thanks.


Chicken pitcher: hey carolyn, those things are an italian-household staple! They're very traditional Tuscan ceramics.

We don't even think twice about using them. But when my fiance came to his first Thanksgiving at my house, he was shocked and disgusted by the gravy being poured out of a chicken's mouth. Seven years later and he's still not quite recovered!

Carolyn Hax: Make wretching sounds next time, see if that helps.


For the procrastinator: Some things that helped me (another chronic procrastinator) finish my doctorate:

Divide it into tiny/tiny steps. Write them down. Cross them off when they're done. It's very satisfying to get anything checked off. If I accomplished something not on my list, I added it to the list so I could check it off.

Set a daily work schedule.

Meet with your advisor regularly. Once or twice a week at least. That gives you a real deadline to actually accomplish something before you see him/her and have to admit that you didn't do anything this week.

Carolyn Hax: Thanks--this plus the next should about cover it:


Minneapolis, Minn.: Procrastination, break big things down into little steps. Oftentimes procrastination happens when a thing looks to big to accomplish.

Carolyn Hax: Which about sums it up. Thanks all.


Downingtown, Pa.: My hubby and I got a puppy from the SPCA two weeks ago to keep our dog company (she was sooo sad to be crated but so destructive when we leave the house - real abandonment issues).

Well we picked a very sweet black border collie mix that turned out have a lot of pit bull in her genes.

I know she will be/IS a great dog and already instant pet (getting along with other dog and two kitties -- very loving). But all the PIT killer hype has made me slightly nervous since want to start trying to add to our family in the near future. With our pets we already are a family of sorts.

I guess just want some perspective from some that loves her ZuZu and all.

Carolyn Hax: Pits are NOT naturally human aggressive. That has to be taught. There's some animal aggression in there, but the other dog and two kitties and border collie genes should go a long way toward tempering that. Be a firm but gentle master and socialize socialize socialize.

This is not just advice for a strong dog--which is really the only reason pit bulls and other big dogs need to be handled well, their potentially lethal strength--but for any dog. The stuff that produces "abandonment issues" in your other dog is going to affect your puppy, too, especially since its two main breeds are both smart as hell. You need to make sure they don't get bored--train and exercise them well--and aren't allowed the run of the house as if they're human. Crating, for example, isn't a bad thing, it's humane, as long as it isn't overused. -People- think it's bad, and dogs don't think like people.

Okay off my soapbox now.

Oh, and read "Mother Knows Best"--great book for understanding doggies.


Washington, D.C.: Promise you. All chambers are being honest. Completely in love with both men and consider both to be such wonderful human beings that I'm confusing myself. But since I want to do nothing to endanger my marriage what is the best course of action? I hate the idea of cutting non-husband out of the picture because it's hard picturing him not in my life. However, I know it's trouble to keep him in my life as well. But how do I seriously cut such an important, loved human being out of my life without major regrets? Do I need to?

Carolyn Hax: Check out the next post:


Seattle, Wash.: I was once on the receiving end of a "love for two people at once" situation. He was married, we were chaste, but we allowed ourselves to fall in love. Resolved itself when we finally both realized that being in love didn't really matter. The point was, he was married, he loved his wife, and he wasn't focusing himself on his marriage as he should be. We stopped acting like people in love, and the whole thing eventually went away. He was open to love, and he shouldn't have been -- it took a little effort, but he closed his "receptors" and is much happier.

Improbably enough, we are still very dear friends, and see each other (sometimes with our spouses, sometimes not) every week, with no remaining sparks (honestly). We could have made a go of it in a different world, but in this one we couldn't.

We do have some control over these things.

Carolyn Hax: Just know yourself well before trying this--if you don't have the control in you, don't put yourself in the position to need it.


Long Distance Stinks!: Hi Carolyn --
I hope you have some advice for me. I met a guy three weeks ago while away on business and we totally hit it off -- it was an amazing three days! Thing is he lives in Atlanta and I'm here in D.C. Last week he called me semi-drunk and he was freaking out (in a good way because our relationship felt so good/right and he was scared blah, blah, blah.) anyways, he was about to tell me that he loved me, but I stopped him. I flew down to Atlanta on the spur of the moment Saturday afternoon to spend the weekend with him. Now I feel like I'm getting the cold shoulder. We obviously need to talk about things, but WHAT IS GOING ON!? I don't get it.

Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: I don't know, but if I had to guess, i'd say MOVING TOO FAST. You have two weekends and one drunken non-pronouncement and expectations through the roof. Let your sense of fun go through the roof, but leave your expectations on the floor.


Perhaps? : Another fluff day in the works? It's been far too long...

Carolyn Hax: I take this to mean Barfing Wedding Gift Day wasn't enough for you. Fine.

I'm going to depart in a huff now. Thanks, have a great weekend, and type to you Friday.


© Copyright 2002 The Washington Post Company