| Funny? You Should Ask
Hosted by Gene Weingarten
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, Oct. 1, 2002; Noon ET Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine, generating more mail than Santa gets at Christmas. Not all of it is wildly condemnatory. Some of it is only mildly annoyed. Weingarten came to the Post in 1990 after being chased out of Miami at midnight by farmers with pitchforks and burning torches. He is also reputed to be close to persons thought to be familiar with individuals claiming to be authoritative spokesmen for the mysterious and reclusive Czar of The Style Invitational. He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions, and abuse. He'll chat about anything. The transcript follows. Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
Gene Weingarten: Hi. Funny names filled my e-mail box this weekend, keyed to my Sunday column. The coolest letter came from Phil Hochberg, erstwhile stadium announcer for both the
Washington Senators and Redskins. "As such,' Phil writes, "there were many times when I had to make pages over the Public Address System. I got stung a couple of times: One that I recall vividly was consecutive pages for "Richard Kimball" and then "Lt. Sam
Gerard," before I knew anything about "The Fugitive." So I was always a little cautious in making pages. Sometime in the early 1990's, when doing a Redskin game at RFK, my
boss, John Kent Cooke, Jr. gave me a page for "Cantwell Muckenfuss, who was to report to the personal service room located next to the Main Gate. I told John, "I've been
doing this kind of work for thirty years and, boy, I can recognize a set-up when I see one." No way, I told him, was I going to page "Cantwell Muckenfuss. I'm not going to
embarrass myself in front of 55,000 people.' The page was never made."
Phil now says: "Cantwell, I'm sorry. And I hope it wasn't an emergency that you missed.'
I also heard from a woman named Allie Bowling. ("Bowling, Allie.)
Reader Doris Halleman from Woodbridge says she once engaged the services of a pet sitter named "Iris Setter.'
Tampa resident Lisa Marie Cockburn reports that a man with her surname is a local urologist.
I also got 16 letters from people alerting me to the remarkable name of a retired Virginia gynecologist (a man once before mentioned in this chat; I am on top of this
stuff, people). Several people got the name wrong, though. His name is NOT Seymour Beaver.
That would be ridiculous. His name is Harry Beaver.
Are you rrrready to grrrrummmmmble?
Alexandria, Va.: Just curious, why aren't you withholding your chat for the strike? Is it that Jewish work ethic? Gene Weingarten: Ah, the byline strike. Has everyone noticed it? The Post is filled today with many stories, but virtually none carry bylines. It's a guerrilla union action, protesting
stalled contract negotiations. We writers like to believe the public will be filled with indignation at the withholding of this crucial authorial information. This is
because we know you worship us and believe it is no less relevant who wrote "Torricelli Quits N.J. Senate Race than who wrote "The Sun Also Rises.
No, the union has not requested that chats be similarly anonymous -- possibly because it wouldn't really
work. Chatters have distinct personalities. For example, Woodward isn't going to be mentioning Harry Beaver unless the good doctor secretly channelled money to Iraqi
insurgents, or something.
The byline strike has not yet been extended to Sundays, so I have not been faced with a decision. It might happen though, and if it does, it might be dramatic: The Post management has apparently decided that columnists
must either use their bylines or pull their columns, since columns are by their nature opinions, and the public has a right to know whose opinion it is reading. I have
already come up with a solution this: I will ask that my byline be pulled, but within the column, I will quote someone elaborately addressing me by name. No deception. Hahaha.
Brenda Starr: Agree or disagree? Richard Thompson is one of the funniest people in America. Richard's Poor Almanac is the reason I buy Sunday's dead tree edition of the Post. Gene Weingarten: Agreed.
Wig, Guam: Susan Sarandon or Goldie Hawn? Gene Weingarten: Are you serious? You are not serious.
Gene Weingarten: By the way, did anyone read the story on Monday about the U of M party at which Bill Cosby entertained?
The story reported that the crowd "cracked up" at Cosby's lines, which included: "People say you are a curmudgeon, and I say, 'you're right, I'm 65 -- I don't have that
much time left."
Here's another: Getting bad father's day gifts from his kids, he said, inspired him to look at
them and say, "Do I LOOK like an Aqua Velva man?"
And looking back at the birth of his fourth child, he said, "my wife said, I am no longer a Catholic. I told her: That isn't why it happened."
To these lines, I repeat, the crowd "cracked up."
In my opinion, this leads to one of two conclusions:
1) Cosby is no longer funny, or,
2) People, told to expect humor, will find anything funny.
Susan or Goldie: Thought you might consider Goldie just for the sheer outrageous cabaret of it all. Gene Weingarten: Um, yes the answer is Goldie.
Angkor Wat: Where is the most absurd place you've ever visited, not counting Battle Mountain, Nev.? How about the most absurd place outside the U.S.? My wife and I are trying to determine where to take our vacation next year. Gene Weingarten: You want to go to a place called Progreso, in the Yucatan. It is basically a beach filled with industrial foam.
Gene Weingarten: I sent that Cosby answer a little too quickly, by the way. The point I meant to make at the end is that either Cosby is no longer funny or people will accept anything as humor and think it is funny. I don't like that last possibility, and reject it.
Starved for Literary Erudition: Michael Dirda's been on the lam for over a month and I'm in desperate need of brilliant literary critical analysis. Can you give me a couple of paragraphs on the impact of Stephen King on contemporary fiction? washingtonpost.com: (FYI, Dirda will be back soon) Gene Weingarten: Stephen King writes more quickly than most other contemporary writers. If literature were golf, and golf were scored not by the number of strokes you took but by the speed with which you finished 18 holes, Stephen King would be the greatest golfer who ever lived.
Lee's Bunion, Va.: The Aqua Velva line is actually pretty good, methinks... Gene Weingarten: The Aqua Velva line blows chunks. It is not even a "line."
Susan or Goldie: Gene, Gene, Gene -- Watch Bull Durham again man, you were not paying attention! Also, you know, Goldie would be sure to giggle at the most inopportune time. Gene Weingarten: Bull Durham was 74 years ago! Why don't you just watch "A Place In The Sun" and then proposition Liz Taylor?
Laurel, Md.: Re: Bill Cosby Lots of formerly funny people get laughs later in life just for being old. Two generations have grown up not knowing Bob Hope was once a cutting-edge comedy genius. The best old comic of my lifetime is Rodney Dangerfield, largely because he wasn't a comedian when he was young. BTW, the ultimate comedy babe is Teri Garr. Gene Weingarten: I deny that Bob Hope was ever cutting edge; he had a schtick. Rodney Dangerfield has always been funny. Still is. The most amazing Rodney Dangerfield fact I can tell you is that about a year ago the Czar spoke to Dangerfield on the phone for about 45 minutes, as Dangerfield judged the Style Invitational Contest to imitate Dangerfield. Dangerfield is NEVER out of character. That's him. He talks that way.
Alexandria, Va.: Speaking of Stephen King and a Certain Other Writer of your acquaintance, have you ever performed with the Rock Bottom Remainders? If so, what did you do? Gene Weingarten: Yes, once. I played the harmonica. Very badly.
Georgetown: Ditto re. Richard Thompson. What's his deal? Is he single? Gene Weingarten: Nope, sorry. Also, he wouldn't like you.
Cosby: Perhaps Cosby is funnier than ever. It takes a very funny person to take terrible lines and make people laugh when they hear and see it live. Having said that, Cos hasn't been funny since about 1985. Gene Weingarten: I don't think there's any question that delivery is important, and the writer of that article, Natalie Hopkinson, who has an excellent sense of humor, informs me that even she laughed. Even though, as she later wrote the lines, she realized they were thuddingly bad.
So what are we saying here? Maybe the guy knows people will laugh whatever he says, so he doesn't care.
Phil, Harmonica: Is there a way to play the harmonica other than badly?
Gene Weingarten: I wouldn't know.
Washington, D.C.: Since the intro says you'll chat about anything: Many years and a couple of boyfriends ago I asked the question "what are you thinking?" just as a general question. His answer was nothing. "Nothing?" I asked. "Yes, Nothing." I didn't believe someone could not be thinking about anything. So I asked "So your mind is like the TV when it gets no reception, just snow?" "yep, that's it" was the response. Fast forward to a week or so ago and I asked the same question to my husband. Same conversation. My question is, is this possible? Just snow. Nothing else. Do you think this is a gender difference? Are they thinking about sex and just didn't want to say so? Gene Weingarten: They are not necessarily thinking about sex, though that is a good possibility. A man will not tell you, for example, if he is thinking about your sister. However it is far more likely that he is thinking about something so stupid he will not divulge it. I would not tell you if I was trying to calculate whether Derek Jeter will reach .300 if he gets a hit in his last at-bat of the season. I would say, "nothing."
Fried Pickles: The Post just ran an article a couple of days ago about the new trend towards "extreme junk food", with things like fried pickles, fried oreos, and fried Snickers bars. What is the most extreme thing you have eaten, junk food or otherwise? washingtonpost.com: Deep Fried Fun at the Fair, (Post, Sept. 30) Gene Weingarten: I eat almost anything. It has been a matter of honor with me. I wrote a story about this a few years ago for the food section. (This is a real test for Liz -- can you find it, lady? Look up, as a key word, fish head soup.)
I think the most extreme thing I ever ate was milk right from the teat of a cow. On a dare. I also once had soup that used, as one ingredient, fermented spit.
washingtonpost.com: Found it. Tales of a Fearless Eater, (April 28, 1999)
Susan or Goldie: Susan is 55. Goldie is 56. Bull Durham was not 74 years ago, but Laugh-In was. Gene Weingarten: For crying out loud, LOOK AT THE TWO WOMEN TODAY, OCTOBER 1, 2002. Also, I think Goldie is smarter.
Lilol, ME: What percent of the questions and comments you get do you print? If you get desperate enough will print stuff as lame as, say, this? Gene Weingarten: The number of questions has been rising almost geometrically. It used to be I would answer about a quarter of them. Now it is about a tenth. Sorry.
No, I would never get desperate enough to answer one like this.
Alexandria, Va.: Richard's Poor Almanac is to Poor Richard's Almanac as blank is to blank? Gene Weingarten: Correct.
A Live Online Chat Question Sender: That's right, Gene. We're on byline strike too. And this time it's personal. Your column on Sunday mentioned Dr. Gesundheit. I know for a fact that his kids were given his wife's last name so there will be no future Dr. Gesundheits in that family. Their named Levin. Maybe they'll become bakers. Also, today's Post notes the passing of Donald F. Cyphers, Budget Officer.
Gene Weingarten: Excellent aptonym.
Funny Names: Archbishop Jaime Cardinal Sin. Otherwise, commonly referred to as "Cardinal Sin." He was ordained priest in 1954 and named archbishop of Manila in 1974 due to retire soon. Gene Weingarten: This one too.
Mias, MA: Gene -- I see by the brief note at the top of the page that you have lived in Miami. Now that Washington has idiot drivers, random gunfire, beastly summers, decreasing English literacy AND deadly insects, what is the biggest remaining difference between Washington and Miami? Gene Weingarten: Dave Barry and I have debated this. The biggest difference between Miami and Washington is that Miami does not take itself seriously, and Washington does. That makes Washington funnier.
Sarandon/Hawn: Gene, I'm apparently missing the point. Are you an agist? Does the fact that these women are over 50 preclude them from being deemed in any way sexy? If that is the case, I am deeply disappointed in you. I would prefer to think that you are reacting to the fact that they are both still extremely attractive, and worthy of notice without being singled out of the nubile maiden pack? Gene Weingarten: No! Good God, are you trying to get me in trouble with my wife?
No, I am saying that I consider Goldie dramatically better looking and more interesting. I am making a choice. Goldie.
Somewhere, USA: Did you know that fall veggies are sexy? Gene Weingarten: Yes, I do.
Somewhere, USA: Harry Beaver was the doctor who delivered me. My parents constantly laughed about his name when I was little, but of course I didn't get it until I was in high school or so. Gene Weingarten: Noted.
Washington, D.C.: Dr. Gesundheit may have given his children his wife's last name, but I know for a fact that there is a Cantwell Muckenfuss IV. Gene Weingarten: Yes, it is true. Mr. Muckenfuss was a very good sport about discussing his name. He is a funny man. He is proud of his family, and proud of his name.
Kurdsan, WY: Your union is really lame. If you want to strike, then strike. Leave work, wear dumb sandwich board signs, take all the copies of the paper out of the vending boxes but pay for only one, through rocks at The Post's delivery trucks, you know, STRIKE. That's a strike. Leaving your names off your work is stupid. Gene Weingarten: I think the byline strike is probably registering precisely the amount of grievance that the strikers want it to register. Those of us who have worked at other newspapers know that The Washington Post is -- in the most important areas -- a very good employer. It supports great journalism, even at peril to its bottom line. The current dispute is about minutiae. Comparatively.
Charlotte, N.C.: I get to disagree with you. I'm so excited. Last week you took issue with someone referring to the attack on the WTC as "...while not a tragedy." You said it most certainly was. Actually, a tragedy is something brought on by fate (Greek) or the result of personal flaws of the character (Shakespeare). So while there is not shortage of ways to describe what happened on September 11, tragedy is not one of them.
Gene Weingarten: Nah. Literary tragedy is an entirely different use of the word. This is not to say that I do not err. With chats, you have no time to think clearly. Last week, for example, I expressed the opinion that Bob Greene -- while a disgusting human pustule -- should not have been forced to resign. After discussing this with my friend and colleague David Von Drehle, I decided I was in error. A newspaper that survives on the goodwill of its customers should not have to defend appalling behavior. The affair with the teenage was apparently about to go public, and
Greene had no right to expect the newspaper to defend, or appear to defend, what he did.
Rouseland: I laugh at the humor of Stephen Wright, such as," I saw a restaurant that had a sign in the window,'we serve breakfast anytime.' So I went in and ordered eggs in the Rennaissance." Do you like that kind of humor, or is it too bizarre? Gene Weingarten: Yes, that's great. I am sure I have said this before, but I know of someone who responded to: "What woman, dead or alive, would you most like to have sex with?" and the answer was, Michelle Pfeiffer, dead.
Pizz, AZ: How exactly does removing your name from the byline hurt the paper? Seems to me that it only denies the author credit for the work, which (given a particular story) might cost someone a Pulitzer. Not that you have to worry about that, of course. Gene Weingarten: It's an embarrassment for the paper. It tells the world: We have disgruntlement. No one likes disgruntlement.
It wouldn't actually affect Pulitzers. You can nominate a story without a byline. Not that I need to worry.
Arlington, Va.: Levey has Tom Toles on his chat right now as counter-programming. What do you think og Toles' work? Gene Weingarten: I love Toles's work. In particular, I think his toon today was completely brilliant. Liz?
Arlington, Va.: Goldie Hawn or Britney Spears? Gene Weingarten: Goldie Hawn. Please.
washingtonpost.com: Toles, (Oct. 1)
Somewhere, USA: Riddle me this, Gene. Sunday evening I'm having a lovely dinner in Georgetown with my fella. At another table, some guy is talking loudly about "nukular weapons." Every time he says "nukular," I wince. It's like having a tiny oyster fork jabbed in my eardrum every time he says it. Then he rattles off some fourteen-syllable New England name of American Indian origin. As far as I can tell, he pronounces it correctly. Is that great? Also, for future reference, would I be justified in lobbing ice cubes at someone I overhear butchering the English language? Gene Weingarten: Our president says newk you lar. Here is the appalling thing: You will see it in the dic in a few years. The dictionary records what people are saying. That's even the term they use: "record" a word.
Virginia:
Daughter rule applying to the Spears query? Gene Weingarten: Both daughter rule and intelligence corollary.
Somewhere, USA: Britney Spears or Florence Henderson? Gene Weingarten: Barbara Billingsly.
New York, N.Y.: Which group is intrinsically funnier: Labor or Management? Does this apply to the newspaper industry as well? Gene Weingarten: Boy, this is a tough question. Management scores points because of its , but union wins because of its self-righteousness.
Fleezan, TX: Gene, I have noticed that the Czar seems to be choosing lots of new Style Invitational contestants from all over the country. Have you discussed this with him? Is this a conscious decision, or have local-area Losers simply gotten stupid? Gene Weingarten: The only rule of Style Invitational judging is that the ONLY criterion is humor. The Style Invitational famously remains the last true meritocracy on Earth. So the fact that there are more foreigners getting ink probably reflects only the power of the Web.
Alas, time is up. See you next week.
Management's what?: You left out the word after "its"
Gene Weingarten: Sorry. Management's arrogance.
washingtonpost.com: That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion. Stay tuned to Live Online: Station Break: Paul Farhi on Radio, TV at 1 p.m. ET
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