| Q&A With Bob Levey
Washington Post Columnist
Tuesday, Feb. 11, 2003; Noon ET "Levey Live" appears Tuesdays at noon ET. Your host is Washington Post columnist Bob Levey. This hour is your chance to talk directly to key Washington Post reporters and editors, local officials and people in the news. Today, Bob's guest is Tommy “The Matchmaker” Curtis, owner and operator for the Yacht Club of Bethesda.  | Tommy Curtis
| For the past 15 years Tommy “The Matchmaker” has made sure each guest aboard the Yacht Club meets at least one person every evening. The results are astounding -- 138 engagements and marriages all started at one of his 30 ritzy watering hole in the suburban D.C. area. Recently Washingtonian magazine described The Matchmaker as the “Maestro of dating.” Tommy says, “Some people can hit a ball or throw a pass -- I just know who should be with whom. It’s a sixth sense, and I guess it’s working.” According to The Washington Post: “If this was a show subject to ratings, Tommy would be number one…Think of an older version of a sock hop or an Ivy League mixer, think ‘Cheers’ with sex.” Tommy began his career as a social chair at Yale. Then he became a rock jock on WMAL-FM (now Mix 107.3), where he created the national singles term “meeting and greeting.” And finally Tommy became a TV personality with two local Emmys to his credit. The transcript follows. Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
Bob Levey: Good afternoon, Tom, and thanks for spending this hour on "Levey Live."
Let's begin with a look at Valentine's Day (yes, lovers, it's coming up on Friday--have you bought those flowers and candy yet?). Is Valentine's Day a "Hallmark Holiday" here in Washington? Does it make people anxious more often than it makes them happy? Or is it truly a day for lovers? Tommy The Matchmaker Curtis: Thank you for the intro, Bob. Valentine's depends right now on something you haven't thought of because you're not The Matchmaker, you're the columnist, I'm most concerned about the snow on Friday night. That will dampen a number of libidos. Now given that we do not have bad weather, we have an advantage this year, a tremendous advantage, you can take that special someone out on Saturday night. I have maintained that it is Valentine's weekend.
New York, N.Y.: Tommy,
What's the biggest mistake women make in meeting men? Tommy The Matchmaker Curtis: I think women, and I'm talking mostly women 28 and over which is my expertise, there's a certain impatience about meeting someone. First of all, you should look at it like going to a social situation like a yacht club, as an adventure. Loose any attitude about "why am I here" before you get there. Give the men a chance, and don't expect to be married or engaged within the first 20 minutes. I will certainly help you feel comfortable and introduce you to eligible men. And that will make the experience a lot different than any other place. But remember to give the guy at least as much time as a cup of coffee or a Coca Cola before you look away. I'd like to add that you find women 28 and over, in general, a much kinder gentler group than a 21 or 22-year-old. So I'm just talking about those few who come in arms crossed over their chest, hard expression on their face, and pained. That group is really in the minority.
Between a Rock and a PC: First of all, dating is sheer, pure hell. Most women would prefer being home on the couch watching TV or movie than hanging out in a meat market waiting for rejection. Why don't your customers just wear signs around their necks stating annual income, dependents, mental condition, and addictions? That way it's right up front and they can pick and choose which co-dependent they want to start a relationship with. How many of your fixed-up marriages are still in existence? Picking up at a bar is no way to find a life-long, or weekend long partner. Grow up, guys. Tommy The Matchmaker Curtis: I'm going to disagree with you that most women would rather be sitting on a coach and eating ice cream. I wish there were more places like this social situation, the yacht club, where you have the 28-30 age group. Bars and what you're calling meat markets get a bad rap, but sometimes it's true. Why I'm on world-wide today is because this particular "meat market," which has been called the meat market but only filet mignon type. It's different in that I make sure you don't just stand around. Now one thing I have noticed about women over 28 and 30, they are more concerned about the inner man than about what he makes. This is different than a 22-year-old whose mother has told her you have to go for a lawyer or doctor not a carpenter or teacher. So you sound maybe like you've been hanging out at these younger places.
I like to say we've had 138 engagements and marriages started at the yacht club. But I never like to talk about the divorces -- it's bad for my business. But seriously, the amount of divorces on these marriages is probably the same as any other group of marriages. So meeting at any social situation like the yacht club or a hotel lobby or a convention doesn't lead to any more significant success in your marriage.
Bob Levey: Do you maintain contact with the "Curtis couples" who went on to marry? Are most/all of them still married? Tommy The Matchmaker Curtis: Bob, what I have found is that I run a business where the more successful I am, the more business I lose. Because those wonderful marriages, when they come back for Valentine's or New Year's Eve, but obviously I don't see them as much as when they were single and looking.
Bethesda, Md.: Dear "Tommy the Matchmaker", What is your opinion on Internet dating? I have thought of giving it a try. I'm a little concerned about the safety of it. What do you think? Thank you. Tommy The Matchmaker Curtis: I think Internet dating is absolutely the greatest thing, the most revolutionary addition to the dating process since the blind date. All these new forms of dating such as: the 8-minute Date, where you meet 20 people at six to eight minutes a piece, or any variations of that are great. Remember that when you're talking about a Friday or Saturday night and you have approximately one million singles in this area, who are divorced, never married, and widowed, you see only a fraction of those people out at a yachy club or a Clyde's or a Dream -- so what you have is probably 950,000 singles home. So anything anybody does to encourage them to meet each other is great.
San Diego, Calif.: Hi Tommy,
What do you think about long distance relationships? Tommy The Matchmaker Curtis: I think a long-distance relationship is probably the most difficult to continue. Now with some people, obviously it works. Do you remember Connie Chung and Povich? But in general, do you know how hard it is to keep a relationship going, when you're one mile away from each other. Now add up 3,000 miles and maybe seeing each other once every six to eight weeks. It puts an enormous strain on the relationship, and sometimes I think one or the other partner uses the long-distance relationship as a defense mechanism, not to allow themselves to meet other people, from an insecurity aspect or whatever. By the way, check out a terrific article about that subject in the Style section within the last seven days.
Bob Levey: Is there still tension around the question of who should pick up a bar tab (at The Yacht Club or elsewhere)? Do men still feel as if they should do it? Tommy The Matchmaker Curtis: One of the things a woman looks at, in the quality she looks for in a man, is , obviously beside warmth and personality, is generosity. My mother told me that one thing women can't stand is a cheap guy. Now let me give you an example. You've made eye contact with a lady, and you go over and start talking to her, whether it be at the yacht club or E-Cities or whatever, and you're carrying on a conversation with her for at least 20 minutes. So there's something there. You have got to offer to buy her a coke or a beer or whatever. I have so often heard women say that the guy danced with me, laughed with me, talked with me, and in two hours never bought be a drink. "What a creep?"
Dallas, Tex.: Mr. Matchmaker,
I am going out with a bartender. He say's he needs to "work" Friday night and is putting off Valentines Day for a day. Should I be concerned? Tommy The Matchmaker Curtis: Well of course, being a bartender, that's what I do. I work in a bar. And I have never in the last 15 years had a date on New Year's Eve or Valentine's. And I wonder if that bartender has ever had a date on the night of an event. You know we work so that everyone else can have a good time. I'm only glad he's taking you out on Saturday. That's just as good. So enjoy your night.
Bob Levey: What are the key qualities of a successful matchmaker (beside charm, which you obviously possess in abundance!)? Tommy The Matchmaker Curtis: Some guys know how to through a pass, some know how to hit a baseball, dunk a basketball -- I just happen to have a sixth sense about who should be with whom. Remember that I do match up over maybe 100 couples a week out of the 1,000 that are at the yacht club. So I do have an advantage. I gotta get some right. Seriously, I don't like to put two 10's together. I like to put a 10 and an 8 together. For example, I would have never put Rhett Butler with Scarlet O'Hara. You have to put Ret with a Melanie if the marriage is going to last. That's why I don't see much hope for J-Lo and Ben.
Bethesda, Md.: Question for TTM. Have you really got 138 couples engaged, or is that just marketing BS? Tommy The Matchmaker Curtis: As far as the 138, it's probably more. The other day a lady called me up and said she'd never been to the yacht. She said she had an amazing anecdote. She works for a company that shall remain nameless, and said four of her girlfriends at this same company had met men and gotten married through the yacht club. I was amazed.
Bob Levey: So there you are at The Yacht Club. A woman asks you to fix her up with someone in the crowd who's "her type." What's your first move? Your second? Tommy The Matchmaker Curtis: I usually take with a grain of salt when a girl or guy says, "Here's what I what." Usually, everyone wants Joe Millionaire or the opposite for a male. But the truth is these people that directly ask me to find them something specific, for some strange reason, are the ones who are the most needy. And usually if I just introduce them to somebody who seems to be "nice," they immediately latch on.
Arlington, Va.: What are you planning to do for your own special Valentine this year? Tommy The Matchmaker Curtis: Like that poor bartender with the girl he's going out with on Saturday, I have not only Friday night to work but Saturday too. The African American Singles Network is having a major over-30 singles event on Sunday. And that is in conjunction with Magic 102.3, and I will be sharing the matchmaking that night at the yacht club with Alvin John Waples, the popular afternoon-drive D.J. So my Valentine's is all work.
Bob Levey: Most of the patrons at The Yacht Club are over 30. Does this make it easier for them to find mates? Or do they hear the clock ticking and therefore try too hard? Tommy The Matchmaker Curtis: There's no question that the over-30 crowd has an easier time meeting each other. For example, I'll bring over an eligible receiver, that's what I call eligible men, to a group of four women, and I find that a women rather than to monopolize this one man, the over-30 crowd will introduce him around. They share as opposed to a 22-year-old that would want to take him to a corner. This phenomenon of being less possessive and warmer is really a question of experience and maturity. And the men appreciate that -- I don't know if they know it, but they appreciate it. The women over-30 are not all looking for Tom Cruise. They look more for the man himself than a leading-man type. I find that's a change between a 23-year-old woman and a 33-year-old woman. It's question of smarts and experience.
Bowie, Md.: As a professional in the field, what do you think of the marriage-making "reality" shows like "The Bachelor" or "Joe Millionaire?" Tommy The Matchmaker Curtis: For one thing, those shows have meant I get a lot more work. Media-wise, everybody wants to talk to me about that same question. What does it mean -- all the concentration on singles. I'm everywhere doing interviews about singles which is 40 per cent of population that no one cared about before. And these shows are in indicative of the under-30's not meeting anybody. When you think about -- that 1,000's of women would show up to meet a guy they've never met, it means their lives are pretty empty. When I do radio call-ins, I get a ton of mothers calling about their 25-year-old bright, attractive well-spoken young woman not meeting anybody. And I wish I could be as much as an expert for that group as I am for the over-30 group. Outside of Carolyn Hax in The Washington Post, those people don't get much advice.
Arlington, Va.: What are some tips on identifying a married man who says he isn't? Tommy The Matchmaker Curtis: One of the reasons I say go out single on Valentine's or New Year's is that if you and your girlfriend are sitting across from three men then you can be darn certain on Valentine's weekend that those three men are not involved with anybody. The married playboys on New Year's and Valentine's -- you can be sure that's the one night they're with their wives. I do not find that much of the married men cheating on their wives. That makes for good copy. But I don't see it as much as people think.
New Haven, Conn.: I have been to the yacht club when I come into town on business and the atmosphere is awesome. Tommy makes you feel very comfortable and the staff and bartenders are the best I have ever seen. I just wanted to know if you are planning to open any more Yacht clubs? Tommy The Matchmaker Curtis: We have been offered places in Beverly Hills, Calif. and New York City. And believe be, having been to both of those places, especially L.A., I know they need in that town is at the point of dire. There are absolutely no places that someone 30 or 35 could go in L.A. and find a place of people their own age. The problem is we haven't come up with a way yet to split me in half. So we've worked with some media organization, where I will at least be visible across the country, but also having music, interviews and talk added at the same time. It sounds interesting.
Bob Levey: When I've visited The Yacht Club (don't get worried, gang -- it has been to make a fundraising appearance for Send a Kid to Camp), I've noticed that many women come with another female friend. Isn't that a turnoff to a potential man? Tommy The Matchmaker Curtis: Absolutely not. That's a woman's comfort level. Remember a woman back in eighth grade went to the ladies room with 12 of her friends. They still feel more comfortable going out to a social situation with a friend. Now the interesting addition to that is what I have seen is that after a woman has been at the Yacht Club, say three of four times, she's more apt to come by herself. Because she's a lot more comfortable, and she realizes it's not like what she thought it was going to be like. And that's a direct result of me treating the place not like a bar, but like my living room.
Frederick, Md.: Flowers and candy are cliched. What would be a clever Valentine gift for a guy to encourage his interest in me? Tommy The Matchmaker Curtis: Now I'm going to talk to you as if we're talking about an office situation. I would give him something cute, like I've seen some stones, Valentine's stones, that will catch his interest. You're supposed to rub them, I believe. I've also seen a little heart with a little song in it. And that would let him know, without being overbearing, that you are interested in him. Now remember ladies, the economy is taking quite a hit this year, and a lot of men are taking lots of hits along with the Dow. So if you don't get a dozen roses, and you get paper roses with Hersey Kisses, and you don't go out for dinner -- that's because money is tighter this year than it has been in the last five years. I know this from talking to people in the industry, such as florist.
We are getting tons of reservations at 8 on Friday and Saturday, which means the people are not going out to dinner. They're going right to a Yacht Club-type place to dance. And while we are 50 per cent single, we're getting an awful lot of singles groups, 3 or 4, for both nights. And these reservations are coming in early, which simply means that the men are not going to spend $200 on a Valentine, when she might not be his Valentine in three weeks.
Rockville, Md.: How much of a risk, really, is the possibility that a single guy might be a truly dangerous person? Is the threat actually miniscule? Do women tend to exaggerate the risks?
Tommy The Matchmaker Curtis: Well I think you have to be concerned if you met the guy and he's a salesman at your office, if he was sitting across from you at a fancy restaurant -- in other works, use common sense. It's been said many times on this wonderful Internet revolution that you meet the guy from the Internet at a neutral location. And while the Internet is the most spectacular addition to the dating scene, a place like the yacht club is still mobbed. In the words of a woman who told me that the Internet is fine but I still want to feel him, touch him, see him, smell him live. And if I want to do that immediately I'll go to Clyde's or the Yacht Club.
Adams Morgan, Washington, D.C.: Tommy,
The recent census debunked that old rumor that there are way more women than there are men in the D.C.-area. However, as a single 32 year old female, it seems like there are way less eligible (single, straight) men in the area. Do you agree? Tommy The Matchmaker Curtis: I just think it's much harder to meet these men that you are talking about. For example, I was in a doctor's office giving my history to the nurse, and she was 33, and she noticed who I was. And she went on to tell me she has three other girlfriends all single like herself -- and they don't meet anybody. They went to a big singles event at, I believe, the Smithsonian, the four of them went together and stayed together and saw lots of groups like themselves. Nobody did what I do. Nobody got the women and the men together. The four of them went home very disappointed. Believe me, the men are there and it's my lot in life to try to get you to meet them.
New York, N.Y.: What is different about your club? Why is not like every other meat market? What made your club so nationally known? Tommy The Matchmaker Curtis: I like to think that it's the show that I do. In other words, you just don't have to sit there and look at each other. You can actually watch me interacting with some others. Or you can interact on your own. And just enjoy a club where everyone is your own age. There are no 22-year-olds getting sick in the bathroom. There are no bouncers. And the music is every song is a hit and every hit is a memory. And, for example, I do the same thing getting people together on Thursday nights for the Latin crowd, because Thursday is mostly Latin/Salsa night. And I'll do the same this Sunday, on the African American Singles Night. In other words, everybody wants to meet somebody. Adn it's no different whether you are yellow, pink or black. And that's what interesting. And remember everyone is the same everywhere. And the world is a singles bar. You can meet somebody at the Yacht Club, at a lobby, at a bus stop, in the subway...I may not be there to help it work, but make eye contact and if she/he is responsive that way, move on your intuition.
Bob Levey: Many thanks and Happy Valentine's Day to the one and only Tommy Curtis. Be sure to join us next Tuesday, Feb. 18, when our guest on "Levey Live" will be the head football coach at Notre Dame, Tyrone Willingham. That show begins (as they always do) at noon Eastern time.
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