| Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, April 4, 2003; Noon ET Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column. Appearing every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ฎ offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and thats about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes. The transcript follows. Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.  To read the most recent responses, click "Get New Responses"
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Carolyn Hax: Hey guys -- I'm here, but still working on my first answer. Sorry.
Philly, Pa.: I want to invite relatives to my wedding that my parents don't want to be there. They have done some pretty underhanded and nasty things to them over the years but have been nice to me whenever I'd see them. Is it unreasonable for me to insist I will invite them or am I being inconsiderate [as another relative told me I am]? My problem is I want to invite cousins [their kids] so how can I not invite them? Am I missing something in my wanting to still invite these relatives no matter what they did to my parents? Your thoughts please. Carolyn Hax: Well, yes. They have been nasty to your parents, so, absent any other considerations, they should be excluded. Your parents deserve your respect far more than your relatives do. That part, at least, should be a no-brainer for you. Unfortunately, though, you do have other considerations--the cousins. Best thing here would be to sit down with your parents, say you'd be willing to exclude the nasties on their behalf, but that doing so puts you in an bad spot with the cousins. Then ask them for ideas on what to do.
Southern California: I get your column in the L.A. Times, and compared with what's published in the Washington Post, it's edited to the point where sometimes the impact of either the question or your reply is changed. What gives? If the papers that carry your column are allowed to edit the content, doesn't that sort of negate the point of carrying it? Don't you retain some control over how your column gets edited by the papers that carry it? Just wondering. Carolyn Hax: Thank you so much for pointing this out. I do have some control in that I can complain, and, if that doesn't work, I can pull my column from a paper that abuses it. The problem is, I have more papers than any of us at The Post can possibly monitor, so I often don't know when my stuff is getting mangled. (At least not until the hate mail comes in complaining about something I never actually said, which is always a special treat.)
Somewhere, Europe: Hey Carolyn, some things are worth waiting for. Carolyn Hax: I'm not sure that first answer was, but nice sentiment. Thank you.
Fellow Connecti-cutie: Hey, Carolyn -- I need some "motherly" advice from you, please. My husband and I have a really great marriage -- it has its share of fights/ups/downs/etc., of course, but we're generally very happy. We're both in our early 30s and have been together six years. We're at the stage in life where a lot of our friends are starting to have kids, which is great, but we're beginning to realize that we don't want them (more dogs maybe, but not babies). We've gone through some really, REALLY tough financial times recently (mostly due to two unexpected job lay-offs), and we're just starting to dig out of the hole. When we talk about spending money on things we want/need, we talk about things like travel, new clothes, saving for retirement, donating to charity, helping our parents. We both feel like kids are a huge investment -- in time, emotion and money -- that we can't afford at all right now. (Not to mention the conflict of "what kind of world is this to bring a child into?") We're not writing off the possibility of kids entirely, but I'm older than my husband, so biological time IS a consideration. But is it wrong that we don't have the urge/drive/motivation to have kids? We feel so selfish in wanting to go to Italy instead of reproducing (not that it's an either/or, but you get the point!). Sometimes I think (and my husband knows this) that if I'd married a guy who really wanted kids/was better "dad" material, I might have more of a maternal urge myself. I always thought I wanted kids, but now that "decision time" is pretty much here, I'm perfectly happy with the life I have -- just as it is. I can envision myself in 10, 20 years without kids and have no regrets (I'm also a big advocate of adoption). I want us to be selfish and pamper ourselves -- not change Pampers. Am I completely whacked and/or horrible? Are my priorities totally out of line? Please give me some fresh perspective. Thanks so much! Carolyn Hax: Having kids is selfish. Having kids you don't want is even more selfish and should be criminal. Not having kids you don't want is enlightened. Stop flogging yourself.
Aberdeen, Md.: So I found out that a guy is interested in me and I called him. I have a boyfriend, who I've lived with for three years. The guy from who is interested and I are meeting for lunch. He knows I have a boyfriend, he knows I know that he is interested in me in more that a friendly way, and he knows that I am just interested in being friends. Am I opening a can of worms by having lunch with him? Carolyn Hax: Gee, do you think? Figure out what you want, then have the guts to go get it openly and honestly. Anything short of that is inexcusable.
Philadelphia, Pa.: I don't know if you can answer this question on line because it's a sex question -- sort of. BF and I are in our 30s, have been together over four years, lived together for one. Love each other very much, etc., etc. However, lately it appears our sex life has been very x-rated. I mean, it's all spice and hot and very erotic but it's not romantic anymore. I mean, I can't really remember the last time we French, uh, Freedom kissed. Or the last time we just did it missionary style. He's never been an overly romantic person but the sex was a lot more personal and close. Now sometimes I feel like I'm in a porn movie. He's never disrespectful or abusive or anything like that but how do I convey to him I want less spice and more sugar? Thanks. Carolyn Hax: Convey it the same way you did here. Frank, clear, sympathetic. Maybe just start off by saying you miss him.
Carolyn Hax: Oh my goodness. I just saw that it was Michael Kelly who was killed in Iraq. I feel sick.
Sacramento, Calif.: My daughter's sorority sister and friend told her she could "hang out" with her ex (who she dumped one year ago but is friends with now) over spring break. Daughter and ex would like to date and have talked it over with friend who says no, it would make her too uncomfortable. What do you suggest? I've tried saying -- is this the way friends treat each other but daughter insists she must do what "friend" asks. Carolyn Hax: I agree with you, but your daughter needs to find her own way.
Confused about the first answer: So if mom has had a bad relationship with Aunt Bea, but Aunt Bea has always been so supportive and nice to you, she should be excluded because mom can't get along for one day. I realize the writer said Aunt Bea had done some mean things, but has mom ever done anything to the relatives of which she should feel ashamed? You see my point? There are two sides to every family dysfunction. I always thought you invite people you want to celebrate with -- if others don't like them, they can either: not come; come and stay on the other side of the room; or grow up and deal with having to be at an event with someone they don't like for four friggin' hours and then they never have to see them again anyway. Carolyn Hax: Whoa. What you say is all well and good, but not if Aunt Bea has mistreated your parents and your parents have not mistreated her. Yes, there are always "two sides," but sometimes one of those sides is a jerk, and sometimes a bystander has to stand up on behalf of the wronged other side.
Louisville, Ky.: Why do you say having kids is selfish? I'm not arguing with you. I'm just wondering why you reached that conclusion. Carolyn Hax: By elimination more than anything else. Are you having them ... for the good of the planet? No. To make Grandma happy? I hope not. For their own benefit? They don't even have a benefit until they actually exist. Besides, it's hard to argue that you're doing someone a favor by giving them a chance to experience a middle school cafeteria. Even if you have a warm heart and a great home and resources up the wazoo, it's hard to defend producing a child to enjoy them when there are poor orphans up for adoption. Ultimately, it's about the parents. Although I could argue that once that selfish choice is made, it's the last purely selfish one you're allowed to make for about 20 years.
Camp Lejeune, N.C.: Can you pass along "our" condolences to Michael's mother, Marguerite Kelly (Family Almanac). I thought about doing it myself directly to her e-mail, but thought that would be strange since she doesn't know me. Enjoy her column as much as yours. Marines know the hurt and grief. Carolyn Hax: They do, like few others, thank you. I have not met Marguerite myself, though we have e-mailed on a few occasions and she is as warm and likable in e-person as she is in print. I think it would be totally appropriate to e-mail her. Michael I did know, though not well at all -- as writers for the same syndicate, we would run into each other at functions. I liked him instantly, and he was razor sharp. Damn.
Santa Monica, Calif.: Hey CH, I enjoy your columns -- your advice is very well thought out, conscientious, and practical. The last thing I want to do is cast aspersions on this forum, but I have to inquire -- are all the questions real? Maybe I've just been really lucky in my life to have a great family, be financially secure, have successful relationships (I'm a male in his late 20's), etc. It just seems that the majority of your readers are living a crisis. Sleeping with their married boss. Hating their family/job/life. Hating their bridesmaids. Being a bridesmaid and hating the bride. You get the picture. What's the deal? Is that how things are these days? If so, remind me to kiss everyone I know today. Carolyn Hax: If there were ever a time for that, it's now. Though you'd probably have some explaining to do.
Hartford, Conn.: Carolyn: I felt sick, too, when I saw the news about Michael Kelly, and it made me realize what a big role you beloved columnists play in readers' lives. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me, though I'd never met the man. I guess this isn't really a question at all, though I'd welcome your response. Carolyn Hax: Columnists play a similar role when we're hated, too, I think. We throw our minds open to you guys two or three times a week, so you do know us, even though you don't know us.
Washington, D.C.: Had an amazing first date with a guy. Really special person. Unbelievably obscure things in common. I talk to him a few days later and he tells me that I'm great but he's not over an ex and not in a position to get involved with someone. I'm bummed but understand. He is great and I want him in my life in one way or another. Do I pursue a friendship even though (in the short term at least) I'm going to want something more that he's not able to give? Once you become a guy's buddy, are they ever able to see you as something more? Experience tells me no. Carolyn Hax: Experience tells me sometimes. But it also tells me that his explanation could easily have been a kindly phrased rejection. I don't say that to deter you from trying for friendship, just to open your eyes before you try.
Seattle, Wash.: I'm horribly depressed. I've been dealing with two chronic medical conditions for the past two years, plus I have a very stressful job with a terrible boss. In the last year, my mom was sick and almost died, my best friend got sick and almost died, I've been on an emotional roller coaster with a man who I love to pieces, and I've been trying to get a career in the arts started. My question is: How do I go about getting time off from work (paid) due to the current personal stress I'm undergoing? I'm starting with a therapist tomorrow, but I just cry every day at work and getting out of bed is a huge struggle. At the same time, I feel guilty, because I know everyone has job and life stress (one co-worker has cancer and she still comes in every day) so why can't I suck it up and handle it? Taking time off without pay isn't an option, or quitting, because I need the health insurance and I have no savings. I just don't even know where to start with all of this. Is a mental health leave something companies give employees? Carolyn Hax: If you have an Employee Assistance Program, I'd start there. If not, check your benefits info for the specifics of mental health coverage. Depression is a legitimate illness and you do seem to have it, but the specifics of paid coverage I think can vary from employer to employer.
Questioning: Ex-BF, who broke my heart and obviously doesn't respect me, likes to think I'm obsessed with him. I'm not -- still hurting, but not obsessed. And yes, still a little aggravated at his lack of respect. I wish I didn't care what he thinks, but I do. I really hate it that he thinks so little of me, and yet while I care about him, I guess I don't have a lot of respect for him either. We cross paths occasionally because of a work situation and I'm just dying to SAY something about this whole obsession kick he's on. Sometimes it's something nasty like "too bad your ego feeds off pretending I'm wack-o." Most of the time I don't know exactly what I want to say, just that I want to call him on the obsession thing and defend myself. What I should do is rise above it and be worthy of the respect I want, right? Ain't pride grand? Carolyn Hax: Ever hear the saying, "Living well is the best revenge"? It is. When he gives you a hard time, just shrug and tell him he's free to believe what he likes, and then leave the scene or, if you can't, change the subject to work. How old are you people anyway? Rhetorical question.
Columbus, Ohio: Hiya Carolyn -- I've been reading your column since you started years ago, but thankfully I haven't had to write you -- until now. I am originally from D.C., but moved to Columbus to get out of debt and start a new life. I have a very good male friend here, John, who moved here himself to be with his girlfriend, Anne. John and Anne have been exceptional to me. They invited me to move in with them until I was able to move out. I don't pay rent, they invite me to eat when they cook, and they have set me up with a lovely spare room. Other than than that, I am quite independent. I have known John for about five years now, and I have always though very highly of him. It's always been platonic. Lately, though, I have been seeing another part of him, and I do NOT like it. He's very selfish, he's egotistical, he's extremely black and white, and he has made it very clear that things always have to be his way. I didn't even know that he had another side to him, but now it's obvious that he's not who I thought he was. I am so disappointed right now. And yet, there is nothing I can do about getting away from him right now. I'm completely dependant on him. I can't afford to move out until I get a promotion or another job (which I'm looking for every day), and my debt is still here making my paycheck just about nil to me. I feel so trapped. Is there any advice you can give me to "grin and bear it"? Carolyn Hax: Nothing beyond the usual -- that you limit your time in his presence; concentrate on the stuff you do (or used to) like about him, including his generosity; make an effort not to dwell on or look for bad things; be glad you're not Anne. On a more practical front, you might try (if you haven't already) restructuring your debt through one of those credit counseling services, or getting a second job.
Mental health leave: The poster said she had not yet started with a therapist. A qualified therapist should make a big difference -- why not give that a chance? As for paid leave, it would depend on whether she can qualify for short-term disability. A medical opinion that she cannot work would be needed, which could be hard to get. STD would also not pay her full salary, but some fraction of it. And it all depends on whether her job offers STD in the first place. washingtonpost.com: Before we get the deluge of posts, in this context, STD = Short Term Disability. Carolyn Hax: Heh. Thanks, both of you.
Teetering on the edge of a full blown crush: Argh. Help. I have a male friend. A straight male friend, that I was ferocious as to keeping platonic to not ruining things. For the first time in a very long time I have met a brand new straight man who can be friends with me. (I have many male friends from college, high school, for some reason lately it's been more difficult.) Recently we got together for a simple coffee outing, that turned into an entire day of sitting in the cafe with a wonderful conversation. I feel so fortunate to have this person in my life, but feel myself becoming very attracted to this person. Given I have done this whole like a friend, they don't like me, I get my heart broken dance a few times I am reasonably hesitant about letting myself feel these feelings without some sort of worry involved. So, throw caution to the wind and let myself like this guy.. and see where it goes? I don't want to ruin this friendship, I don't want to get hurt again. Have a great day. Carolyn Hax: Thanks, you too. This guy is a different guy.
Washington, D.C.: Hi Carolyn, I've just been diagnosed with a chronic, non-life-threatening disease. I've always been a rather private person about my health -- just don't see any need for everyone to know every detail, as I don't care about every detail of everyone else's heath. Hate those Christmas letters where people tell you about every hangnail they had! Anyway, my question for you is how best to tell select friends and family about this. I don't want sympathy, but in the course of talking with some people, I'm sure this will come up. Your thoughts? Carolyn Hax: That if it comes up in the course of talking with select friends, that's the best way to tell them. Very natural and therefore less pity-provoking than an announcement. Family, though, I think you need to tell. In both cases, though, there's nothing wrong with saying you cringe at the sympathy thing. There's also a lot to be said for openness and a sense of humor. When you bring these to your illness discussions, people will follow your lead. Likewise, if you mince around it, people will mince around you. Ugh.
Re: Columbus, Ohio: John's "generosity" sounds borderline abusive -- the pattern of abusers relies on the dependency of their victims. Please be aware of that, and if you must stay do everything you can to avoid the psychological dependency that puts you at risk of being a victim of emotional abuse. Carolyn Hax: Interesting point, thanks.
Arlington, Va.: Just thought I would post a "success story." Recently, I went into therapy to help with anger management/depression. One of the first things that came up was that perhaps I should be evaluated for meds. Initially, I was reluctant, but eventually agreed. The doctor suggested Zoloft. That was one month ago. I feel better than I can every remember feeling. It turns out my anger was more a reaction to depression which resulted from constant anxiety. I can now see what was happening, and I am able to make better decisions. The best part of all is I am a much better parent and husband than I was before. Carolyn Hax: I could use a success story. Thank you.
Not sure anymore in Virginia: Carolyn, how do you know when you are doing too much for a guy? How do you know when to stop baking cookies, doing the laundry, fixing his favorite foods, etc.? I'm a big time giver (not so much on the money, but the doing) and I hear from everyone that I do too much. Thanks! I'm thrilled about the twins. Carolyn Hax: Thank you. You stop baking/doing/fixing if you stop wanting to bake/do/fix, or if you feel like you're being taken for granted, or if you believe the guy won't love you if you stop baking/doing/fixing. I'd make the last one bold if I had any Web skills.
Adoptee from Virginia: Not to harp on the kids things, but you said "it's hard to defend producing a child to enjoy them when there are poor orphans up for adoption." As an "orphan" and an adoptee I'd just like to remind people that adopting a kid is not a self-less act. You are still doing it because you want kids. I've heard of people wanting to adopt because they didn't want to deal with labor or their waistline. And others who act like they are doing the world a huge favor. When it comes down to it, you are adopting because you want a child, and choosing adoption does not necessarily make you a better person. Sorry if that isn't related -- and I suppose someone will disagree with me. But I have a friend who keeps telling me she is going to adopt when she is ready for a child because of all the poor orphans. They way she says it just makes her sound like she thinks she is better than everyone else for doing that and such. Its just so holier-than-thou. My parents didn't do me a favor when they "got" me. I don't feel I owe then any more than "real" kids. I don't necessarily feel the same if someone adopted a child older than 6, but that's why there are so many children older than 6, no one wants them. Even those who think adoption is so great. Carolyn Hax: Really interesting point. Thank you. And now that you've said it, I'm thinking I probably wouldn't want parents who thought they were doing the world a favor by adopting me.
Half a success story?: Hi Carolyn! I've got half a success story and half a problem for you. I'm 29 and last year I finally realized I was taking really crappy care of myself. I lost seventy pounds as a result, and am much better for it. I partially have your chats to credit for this realization -- so thank you for that. However, I've totally hit the wall-- I have 25 more pounds that I think I need to lose and after starting a high stress job and moving into a kind of uncertain living situation I can't seem to get back on track. I know you have lost some weight and was wondering if you might have any advice for me? I did just start therapy and am hoping that may help in general, but I just can't get motivated again. Thanks! Carolyn Hax: Actually, I'm in need of my own advice on this subject -- lost 30 baby lbs in the first two or three weeks, and in the past six or seven weeks have lost 0 of the remaining 15. With exercise and healthy food. Can someone please 'splain? Yes, obsessing a bit ... sorry ... ANYway. Given your mood and your stress and your living situation, it might make sense for you to relax your expectations. There are many definitions of "taking good care of yourself." Don't jump into comfort feeding or anything--in fact, keep up the same food habits that you used to drop the 70--but maybe change your goal from losing 25 lbs to simply not gaining any. Temporarily, of course, until you feel more stable on other counts. Also, exercise is your friend, for all things you mention. Find a few workouts that make you feel good, and do them 5 x a week. Force yourself if you have to.
Having kids: Kids are overrated. I love my kids, but I'm glad they're almost grown. And I'm slightly jealous of people who have traveled all over the world, accomplished things in their careers, etc. while I spent the last 20 years raising kids. Carolyn Hax: A bracing bit of honesty. Thank you. FWIW, this is why I beat to death the point that people who have cold feet about settling down really really ought not to settle down. Not to be too opportunistic here at your expense. At the same time, though, there will be others arguing that career success is overrated -- and I'm happy to contribute that, from my very limited experience with it, world travel is overrated. Point being, having it all is not an option, so the best any of us can do is figure out what we'd most like to have and base life decisions on that. And, of course, try to wait till we're confident of what we want before we go making decisions.
I can 'splain: Are you nursing? For some reason a mom's body seems to want to hold on to that last bit of padding until she stops feeding the kids. Don't sweat it, when you stop they will melt away, I swear. Carolyn Hax: I am, so that would 'splain, I guess, though 15 lbs seems like a lot to hang onto. Do you SWEAR? And do you have another 'splanation, for why the literature they give you doesn't say this? In really big letters? I mean really.
Washington, D.C.: Dear Carolyn, Do you think it is fair for a couple to split living expenses 50-50, or on a percentage based on how their incomes compare?For instance, I think that my boyfriend and I should each put, say, 30 percent of our income into a joint account, and then pay bills from there. But he thinks that we should split all bills 50-50. Since I am just graduating from college and he makes more money than me, that means that I will be broke for years until I can advance up the career ladder, while he will have lots of money left over. Any help? Carolyn Hax: Yes. Don't live with him.
About adopting: Why does there have to be this conflict between people who adopt and people who choose to have their own biological offspring? I'm sorry, but if you choose to adopt, because you just don't feel such a genetic investment in your children, and you could love any other child as much as your own biological offspring, you ARE doing the world a favor, whether you mean to do that or not, assuming, of course, you are a good parent. It does not mean your child owes you more, but it adopting children who otherwise would be unwanted IS a service to society. In fact, raising children to be good, responsible human beings is a service in itself. Yes, it may be a selfish act, initially, but ultimately, it is a service to mankind. Carolyn Hax: There doesn't have to be a conflict, and there shouldn't be, and I think among the vast majority of reasonable people there isn't. Thanks for staking out the middle so clearly. I don't think we vacate the middle, though, by applauding heroism (and I do think that's the right word) or by sitting on our hands for sanctimony.
Washington, D.C.: World travel is overrated? Phooey. I find world travel to be one of the most fulfilling things in my life. But that's the secret isn't it? Finding that thing. So figure out if it's kids or career or travel or whatever and do that -- based on what YOU want and what YOU like, disregarding what you "should" be doing with your time, money and body. Carolyn Hax: Yeah! What s/he said.
Re: Adoptee: I've always thought I would adopt children since I was a little girl (odd?). I have to say adoptee's post makes me stop and think for a moment if I was invoking a holier-than-thou stance even back then. So having your own kids is the spread-my-own-seed kind of selfish, while adopting is the I-doing-good-in-the-world-compared-to-you-birthing-mothers? Are there no instances of having a child where it is not selfish? Carolyn Hax: Like I said, it's hard to make the unselfishness argument. If it helps, look at it this way: The decision (and the huge commitment that follows) can be made for love, or it can be made for some other reason. Any version of the former seems like a winner to me.
Washington, D.C.: Carolyn, You're funny. Did you really think that after carrying and bearing twins, your body would go back to being exactly the same afterwards? Sorry, not to be mean. I think it's pretty good you're within 15 pounds. I can't lose 30 pounds, and I haven't even had twins. Carolyn Hax: Well, you should then -- you'll drop 15 or 20 overnight. The Multiple-Childbirth Diet.
Washington, D.C.: Carolyn, please, share your wisdom. After one month of casual dating the girl I'd been seeing told me she didn't want to continue because she thought there was an "emotional barrier" between us that "would never come down." I thought that it was awfully early to pre-emptively give up, but hey... her choice. To give you more context, the Friday before this conversation (which devolved into over emotional talk about fear of loneliness, ouch) I told her that there were very few people in my life that I really feel close to, and that only in one instance does that include someone I've been with, although no longer. So my question is, do I just need to get over this feeling of only being close to very few people and continually searching for a strong emotional bond in a partner? Am I searching too hard? Was it just too fast to say such things? What's the deal? Carolyn Hax: From here, at least, the deal seems to be that you showed great openness with her when you admitted your fear of loneliness. So I don't know what she was thinking. As for the other questions, whether it was too fast to say something (A: Maybe, but better to say it when you feel right saying it and finding out if she's of the same mind) and whether you are searching too hard (A: If you are searching at all, yes), they're probably not as important as the fact that she just wasn't the girl for you.
Not sure on meds: Hello, Welcome back. I was on meds over a year ago for the first time for anxiety. I went off on my own and felt much better. I felt like I had a handle on things. My anxiety never caused anyone any grief but myself. Recently, what with the war, the incessant media coverage, illnesses overseas and just horrible news all around I find myself getting more anxious. I want to handle this without meds, but at what point does it become necessary? I fluctuate between OK, and very very worried. I don't want to pop a pill every time I feel bad. I am in counseling now, and aside from occasional nervousness (when confronted with world news) I am OK. Any guidance would be much appreciated. Carolyn Hax: You are okay. That's the magic phrase, right? When you stop feeling okay -- or when you start start feeling like "okay" is a minimum-security prison term or a gray day that won't clear or the one thing standing between you and happy -- then maybe go for the meds.
Washington, D.C.: I'm having trouble getting over the hesitancy, fear -- not really sure what it is exactly that is keeping me from doing it -- of making a call to schedule an appointment with a therapist. I think part of it is some reluctance due to the fact that I'm not really "in a bad place" or on the brink of a break down. However, there are some serious family issues that I know I need to deal with and that I'm sure affect me in ways that I don't even realize. So maybe I'm afraid of how it will feel to delve into those, when right now they are kind of pushed out of the forefront of my mind. So (getting to the point) my question is what advice would you have for someone who needs to push through and just make the call? Carolyn Hax: Call right now. I'm serious. You either do it or you don't.
State of stupidity: Carolyn, Was dating a guy and he asked me to marry him and I said I wasn't ready to get married to anybody yet but wanted to keep seeing him. I was in love with him. He said marriage or nothing. So he dumped me and married someone else six months later. Now he's been married for a little over a year and is unhappy. How I know this is that he told me. He came to see me at work one day and took me to lunch. He wants to get back with me. I said You're MARRIED! His wife doesn't love him, it was a mistake, blah, blah. When I can get some brain cells to function I know this guy is really really bad news. And he pisses me off. Then there are the times when the brain cells are not working and I start to think "maybe." HELLLLLP. Carolyn Hax: This guy is really really bad news, and he was before he became a married guy and asked you out for a date. (Forehead hitting plaster.) He picked the life he wanted first, saw that it had a marriage in it and then started auditioning women for the wife role. He may like you, he may even love you in his way, but you will never be more special to him than the role you play in his life. Run, run, run. Find someone who loves you for you and custom-makes a role to suit.
New York, N.Y.: Had a similar situation as Philly re: wedding guests. Presumably cousins are aware of the feud. If the cousins are adults and on their own, inviting them without their parents is OK. If still under their roof, may need to have a talk with them and explain why the parents, and therefore they, can't be included. May spark a reconciliation, who knows? Worked for my family. Carolyn Hax: I meant to post this earlier but got distracted. Thank you. That's it for today. Thanks everyone -- hope my mood wasn't too erratic.
washingtonpost.com: That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.
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