| Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, April 18, 2003; Noon ET Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column. Appearing every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ฎ offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and thats about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes. The transcript follows. Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.  To read the most recent responses, click "Get New Responses"
or select "Automatically Update Page." |
Somewhere, USA: Carolyn, I read you response to my letter regarding the assault I experienced at the hands of an acquaintance while I was blacked out today. I really appreciate your advice regarding contacting him about what he did, and if I can screw up the courage I plan to do so. However, I was really saddened by your last comment about not drinking so much. This implied that somehow what happened was my fault, because I was drunk. OK, I already blame myself for putting myself in that situation; I normally am a very controlled drinker, since I do not like to lose control of my surroundings. One time I did and someone took terrible advantage of me. Your final advice just wasn't very sympathetic. Whether I was blacked out or not, he never should have raped me. Carolyn Hax: Of course he shouldn't have, and that's why I think it's so important that you both confront him and tip off the fiancee. What he did was unacceptable, and it wasn't your fault. However: When you read the final remark, I think you need to put yourself in my shoes before you declare me unsympathetic. What would I be saying if I -didn't- advise you to address the drinking issue? That getting blacked-out drunk was okay? That if you're a woman, you're not responsible for taking care of yourself? Had a guy written to me about something that had gone sour while he was blacked-out drunk, and had I not said anything about the influence of alcohol on the outcome, I would have been battered by e-mails from people saying, "Duh, he was blacked-out drunk." Date rape has always been a monstrous problem, given the absence of witnesses, the he-said-she-said problem and the social/cultural freight -- but alcohol makes consensus, I think, absolutely impossible. Were you raped? Yes. Was it your fault? No, and I said as much. Should you go to the police? I don't think so, because of the blackout; others do, vehemently. Should you get rape-crisis counseling? I think so, but you have to be your own caretaker on this. Did your drunkenness that night prevent you from being your own caretaker then? Yes, and I know you already feel awful about that, but since you didn't point that out in your letter, I thought I had a responsibility to. I feel for you more than you know.
New York, N.Y.: Carolyn, It's spring, and there are pink cheeked babies and fuzzy bunny rabbits and daffodils to see. There is also a new crop of spring clothes, and a glorious opportunity to buy new strappy sandals. So please, please, please, could we have some fluffy-elements in the chat today? You haven't done a "fun" chat in a long time. Happy spring! Carolyn Hax: Oops -- got off to the wrong kind of start if that's what everyone wants. Maybe the second hour? Remind me.
Maryland: How do I tell my boyfriend I want to date women? Carolyn Hax: "I want to date women." Unsugarcoatable, methinks.
Wondering: Happy Friday Carolyn! How do you get over someone? And if you can't, even after a year and a half, is that love or just misguided obsession? Thanks. Carolyn Hax: Define "get over." Missing someone after a year and a half, still feeling sad not to be with him/her, noticing things every once in a while that s/he might enjoy, these seem like normal love and loss. Weeping, talking about endlessly, driving by his/her house strike me as actively dwelling on someone, which I think people do because they get used to their grief, in a way. The role becomes almost comforting.
Washington, D.C.: Help! I am getting married in October and I asked the sister of the groom to be one of the bridesmaids. I haven't seen her in a while but I thought it would be nice to include her. Well, the dresses are all picked out (but not yet ordered) in a very generous, generally flattering cut -- no sheaths or anything and no strapless. Well, it turns out the sister has gained a lot of weight and she cannot fit into the largest size. I started looking at other manufacturers and not a single bridesmaid manufacturer makes the dresses large enough. What do I do? Carolyn Hax: Skip the bridesmaids' dress manufacturers. There are plenty of clothes in the sea. Bonus points if you skip the uniform altogether and let your bridesmaids wear what they want.
Camden, N.J.: Hi Carolyn, I had a really weird thing happen with a really close friend of mine yesterday. He and I are both 25, and we've been very close friends since college. We were thumb-wrestling, and all of a sudden he leaned over and gave me a quick peck on the lips; then he pinned my thumb, counted off his victory, and smiled, saying, "No way I was gonna lose twice in a row." It's confusing to me, because he's never acted this way before or shown any love-interest in me at all. I don't know if he was just goofing around. He's not very physically affectionate with anyone, so this is somewhat out of character for him. but cheating-to-win at something like this certainly fits his sense of humor. Does this mean he's harboring feelings for me, or is there any chance he was really just goofing? Carolyn Hax: I dunno. Have you asked?
Little white lies: Carolyn, I know you have a firm belief in honesty, but just out of curiosity, do you think it's bad to lie and say you have a boyfriend or a husband if someone is hitting on you and you're not interested? I usually just say "no thanks" but sometimes "no thanks" just doesn't get the job done with more persistent people. Is there something better to say than "No thanks, I'm not interested" that I don't know about? Guys from the peanut gallery are welcome to respond. Carolyn Hax: I can sympathize with your wanting to get rid of these guys by whatever means necessary, but it frankly pisses me off that "No thanks" isn't good enough for some guys. I see it as the mild end of a continuum that has date rape at the severe end. So, I think the community of decency would be better served if you were able to say outright that you were not interested, instead of a white lie. And then, if that didn't work: "No is no. Got it?"
Been to "Maryland": How "Maryland" tells (her?) boyfriend s/he wants to date women depends. "I'm dumping you to date women."
"I'm NOT dumping you, I just want to date women, too."
"I want to date women. You want in on this?" Carolyn Hax: Kinky.
Uncharted Territory: Thanks for the awesome chats. Is it ever possible to have a sexual encounter with an ex who you still have mutual feelings for without awful consequences? I am visiting an ex soon and I know we will probably be intimate. We still care for each other, but we don't want to get back together. Is this a really bad idea? Carolyn Hax: Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. Problem is, you never know till you've already done it. If you're determined to do this, at least have your eyes open.
Maryland: Um, you don't have to skip the bridesmaid manufacturers. What you CAN do is take one of the dresses down to a tailor/fabric shop and have one made in the right size for the bridesmaid in question. It might not be 100 percent identical, but am betting you'll get so close no one will notice the difference at the wedding. Carolyn Hax: You're right, but I was trying to do the bridesmaids a solid. Have you seen those things?
Hmmm?: With all these wedding questions you get, do you ever just wanna yell "GO ELOPE!" Carolyn Hax: You mean I don't?
Dulles, Va.: How do suggest/ask your wife to lose weight without being insensitive? Carolyn Hax: Not possible, I don't think. Unless you can ask the same way a wife would ask a husband to lose weight, i.e., with no social freight. I guess just focus on the health aspects ... "I'm worried about your unhealthy eating habits because I want you around for a long time" ... because there are health aspects, yes? This isn't about her being a size 10 instead of a 6?
Somewhere, USA: Carolyn, Thank you for the clarification on your advice. I have a hard time getting out of my own head on this, and I am looking for validation I guess as well as advice on what to do about what happened to me. In your initial advice I just didn't hear the "it isn't your fault, drunk or no" that I keep needing to hear to make myself think I am an OK person. Even my doctor asked me if drinking was a problem. I don't think I have a drinking problem, but I certainly won't ever put myself in that situation again. Carolyn Hax: You're welcome, and thanks for giving me the opportunity to clarify. I meant to say that the first time. Here's the bit from my answer that maybe you didn't let yourself see: "4. If this 'ruin[s] his life,' he will have done it, not you. Repeat this until you believe it." Your doctor had to ask, I had to mention it, but that doesn't mean you have a drinking problem. It means you have to ask yourself if you have a drinking problem, that's all. As long as you're honest with yourself, the answer can be "no." Last thing -- please do talk to a trained rape counselor. "Getting out of your head on this" is something a counselor can help you do. And, since it's such a gray issue, you can also discuss the possibility or getting the authorities involved.
Somewhere, USA: Help! My wife hates my parents. They have been on a roller coaster relationship for a while but it is at a low again and it really is disturbing me. Do I sit them all down together to talk about it? Talk individually to my wife and my parents? Disown my parents? My wife? Carolyn Hax: Who's antagonizing whom? Be honest.
Silver Spring, Md.: My husband and I been trying to have a baby for three years now and still nothing. Can you tell me what it could be? And, by the way, I'm 23 years of age. Could it be that it's just not my time yet? Tell me what you might think before I go to the doctor and pay all my money on drugs to have a child, just to find out there is nothing wrong with me. Please help; I'm afraid to go to the doctor. Signed,
-- Not feeling whole anymore Carolyn Hax: Go to the doctor. There's a whole lot between now and drugs. Besides, you should be seeing an OB-GYN annually anyway, right? All you have to do is ask what the next steps would be in the process of finding out why you haven't conceived, as well as what the costs would be. You wouldn't have to agree to a single procedure or meds if you weren't comfortable with it. Last thing: "Not feeling whole"? That's so wrong, you're being so unfair to yourself. Bodies do what they do, and it's never a reflection of the worth of the people occupying them. This is especially true of reproduction.
Re: Dulles Va.: Carolyn, So being a size 10 relates to someone who has unhealthy eating habits? You are feeding into society's ill-conceived notion of who is healthy and who is not. There is probably just as decent of chance of the size 10 eating healthy than there is that a size 6 eats healthy. Especially, in these days of rampant bulimia and anorexia. Carolyn Hax: Hello, read the answer again.
Michigan: Hi Carolyn, I'm in a bit of a quandary, and would appreciate your advice on my situation. My lease expires at the end of August. The lady that lives below me is, quite frankly, a nut case. (I live in a house converted to two apartments). It's sort of a long story, but things came to a head a couple weeks ago when I did my laundry on a Sunday afternoon and she lambasted me because I should know by now that Sunday is HER day to do laundry. Incidentally, I never noticed that she had a set schedule. She wasn't even home at the time I started my laundry. Things are so tense, I dread the fact that we might run into each other in the laundry or going in and out of the house. I called my landlord to see what I could do to get out of my lease; he said that he'd put a for rent sign in the yard and I'd have to stay there until he found another tenant. It's getting into the busy season, so I should be out fairly soon. Well, things with my boyfriend are going very well (we're both 25), and we had sort of talked about "timing" the whole engagement thing to coincide with the end of my lease in August. Neither of us are ready at this point to move in together, but the thought is that we'd may be ready by the end of the summer. If I move out now, I'll have to sign a year long lease wherever I go. So, do I stick it out for the next couple of months, or should I get out now when I have the chance? Carolyn Hax: Your decision entirely. When it comes to putting "feel ready to get engaged" on one's calendar, though, mark me down as highly skeptical.
Philadelphia, Pa.: Hi Carolyn and Lisa -- I am a rape crisis counselor and just wanted to encourage the woman from today's column to call her local center. Your advice was good and your response to her email earlier was particularly important because IT WASN'T HER FAULT! The local crisis center can help her sort through all of her feelings, talk to her about legal options if she wants and most importantly, give her info on preventing STDs and pregnancy (FYI, not sure how long ago the attack was but the morning after pill works up to five days after unprotected sex although it is most effective within 72 hours). Taking care of yourself after an attack is really important and the local RCC is a great resource. Carolyn Hax: Howdy, and thanks for the backup. The mail is running hot on this one.
Carolyn Hax: Shocking, I know.
I just called to say: My boyfriend and I have been dating for four months and I recently have found myself stifling the powerful urge to tell him I love him. Its a wonderful but frustrating feeling. I've been in two serious relationships before (I'm 25) so I know how it feels to love someone and say it, but part of me feels its too soon to make this declaration. But it also feels silly to look at him and be overcome with emotion and then just smile like a dope. Is there any way to feel out his potential reaction without taking the plunge? Carolyn Hax: Oh just say it. However: Is "I love you" what you really want to say? It's been only four months, you're overcome with emotion, you feel as if it's too soon. Maybe it would be more accurate, and in a way more meaningful, to tell him exactly what you're feeling instead of lobbing the L word; "I just look at you sometimes and I'm overcome." Or your poetic version of same. "Love" can be so broadly defined, and what a great, personal gift it would be if you could be specific.
Washington, D.C.: Hey Carolyn -- How do you know if you have a full blown alcohol problem? Since college (almost 10 years now) alcohol has been a stress reliever for me, but for the last month it has become a huge crutch. I don't think about drinking at work or while doing something that is unsafe while drinking, but as soon as I get home at night, I've got a beer/cocktail/glass of wine in my hand that becomes bottomless until I go to bed. I've had a fair amount of stress recently, but I'm getting concerned. Do I have a problem with alcohol or a problem controlling stress? Carolyn Hax: Could be a little of both. The bottomlessness of the glass is bad news, but it sounds like you aren't even trying to stop the flow. I'd start -- tonight -- Friday night, sorry -- with a stress reliever that isn't alcohol and see how that goes. Book, movie, long walk, bookstore with coffee bar, jog, whatever floats your ... wagon. And if your body (or soul) responds by craving, start doing your homework on treating it as a problem. I actually have a great Web site for you, one that helps you distinguish a fondness from a problem, but I have to dig for a sec.
Re: Date rape: Hi Carolyn, If you agree that she's sure enough to go to rape counseling, how come she's not sure enough to report it to the police? Lack of evidence? Carolyn Hax: In part, yes. Going to a counselor involves just her. Going to the police involves him, too. That demands a far higher standard of certainty.
Quebec City, Canada: Online only! Great one-month relationship. Going well. Unlike other girls I met, I was taking it SLOW, so, hadn't done anything "too" physical -- until one night after drinking, we had sex (she asked me to do it that night, as if I needed asking!), and it was unprotected (irresponsible we know), but I am perfectly healthy (confirmed by doctor), and told her this. Well, she woke up the next morning and hasn't talked to me since. I suggested that if she was worried she could use emergency contraception (it's covered by Canadian health insurance), but got no response. Well, she finally said she would talk to me. Any thoughts? I really would like this relationship to continue, and don't even care about the sex. Carolyn Hax: I strongly suggest you entertain no thoughts at all until you hear what she has to say. A million different things might have happened. Granted, the not-talking thing isn't promising, but having an open mind won't prevent you from giving that its proper weight when the time comes.
Afraid to go to the doctor?: She's you're afraid to go to the doctor, but wants to have a baby? You had better get real used to the idea of going to the doctor if you want a baby! A parent cannot afford to have those kinds of fears. You owe it to any child you'll have that you get medical care before, during, and after pregnancy. Annual checkups are an absolute must. Carolyn Hax: Thank you, I should have seen that and flogged it accordingly.
1 p.m.: Your requested reminder: Time for fun, fluffy, Friday frill. Carolyn Hax: Thanks. Is this a consensus or one person with a shoe question?
Colorado Springs, Colo.: Dear Carolyn, GF and I are arguing about engagement ring. I want to spend two months salary on ring, she wants me to spend less than a third of that. I want to get her something she would like but I have not found anything in her price range that I would feel good about giving her. We have already disclosed our finances to her so she will know if I cheat. I would appreciate your advice. Carolyn Hax: Get her what she wants. Go pick it out together, meaning, she picks it out and you say, Okay. She's the one who has to wear it. And if that's not compelling enough for you, please note that the two months' salary thing is a Complete Crock, a fabrication by the people who sell diamonds to guilt men into spending too much. I could also throw in that the politics of diamonds are highly controversial, and that you should be careful any stone you buy comes from a violence-free source. Or, you could solve both problems by getting some other stone, which would be my preference anyway, were I the betrothed-to-be. Last thing. You are ARGUING about this. Please consider for a second how perverse that is.
Fluffster, Va.: Is it okay for me to not buy a wedding present for a good friend/co-worker when I wasn't given an invitation and never met his fiancee? Carolyn Hax: Yes. There are few circumstances under which it is not okay not to buy a present. Double-negative conversion tables available by the door.
Flagstaff, Ariz.: I vote fluff! Like, what is your family's weirdest or best Passover/Easter tradition? My mom always made a bunny cake -- traditional round cake, cut in half, turned on sides to make bunny body, trimmed out piece for head, paper ears, coconut icing (to resemble white fur) and a little bed of jelly beans and green-dyed coconut on the plate. We always saved the bunny's head for last. Carolyn Hax: My mom used to send us all a stupid 10-cent Easter gift. One year it was a little chick that had two metal nubs on the bottom, and when you completed the circuit with your fingers, it would chirp. Or is it cheep. You just made me miss her, hard.
Carolyn Hax: Fluff, but under a cinder block. I just have that touch.
Here we go: Will society ever dispell the notion that to be whole you must reproduce? I am a 50-year-old single woman, no kids, who is quite whole, thank you very much. I can't believe that a 23-year-old person would think like that! And this generation keeps telling us how smart they are -- by the looks of this one, they are just as ignorant as people in the '50s. Looks like feminists and just us plain ole folks who want to be accepted for who we are still have work to do. Carolyn Hax: Hold the phone, one person does not a society make. Especially one already out of the generational mainstream -- married at 20, remember.
For Dulles: It's very easy. Complain about your own weight and ask if she could support you, exercise together, start eating more healthily. At least it worked with my boyfriend. Carolyn Hax: Except when the "complainer" is lean and fit. That would go over like a cellulite in Vogue.
Burning Question: Does Kenny read your chats? Carolyn Hax: Often, after the fact.
Re: Easter tradition: My family's egg hunts were always something of a circus -- you were allowed to punch, bite, kick, etc., to beat the other children to an egg as long as nobody got blood on their Easter clothes. I remember beating my cousin Austin to the golden egg (which merited a special prize) only by virtue of him falling on a rock and sustaining a concussion. Nobody ever accused us of taking candy-gathering lightly. Carolyn Hax: My heart is full.
Why??: Great, does that mean all of us with legitimate questions and interests should wait until next week? Carolyn Hax: If ever one needed some fluff ...
OK, I got a fluffy question!: Dear Carolyn, Do you have any advice for would-be freelancers about how to write in their spare time? Have day job (good one, I like it), can't get motivated to work on projects in evening/weekends. But I have good ideas! How long did you have to copyedit and write a column at the same time? Hope all's well with you and the family. I bet you're the queen of multitasking now. Carolyn Hax: Or I just do more things badly. Or I do the same number, but have moved formerly crucial chores to the neglect list. Question for you: Do you really want to write? At first I had trouble motivating myself, too, and the real problem turned out to be that I wanted to be a writer, which is a very different thing from wanting to write. I managed to wring maybe six freelance pieces out in three years of spare time. When I got the column idea, I wanted to write. Still do, and the result is, if you give me 10 minutes, I can get work done in those 10 minutes. My advice to would-be freelancers stems directly from that experience: If you have 10 minutes, work in those 10 minutes. When you're really into it, you'll look up to see that 10 became 60. And when you're not really into it, why force it? Not beating yourself up is key to keeping it fun, which is the key to making it work. Good luck.
Stupid Easter Tradition: We toast marshmallow Peeps over an open fire. Carolyn Hax: The only fitting use for them, IMHO. But only if you leave them in.
Washington, D.C.: Can I possibly be the only one who DOESN'T appreciate fluff? I tune in expressly for the cinderblocks. Carolyn Hax: No, there are others, which is why we almost never do this. Perhaps you should have that cinderblock thing checked.
Easter Fluff: We used to have easter egg fights after the hunt. We would find the eggs knowing that we needed to be well-armed and then have a big paintball-like game where we would throw eggs at each other. I won the year I snuck some raw eggs into the game. Carolyn Hax: Nice touch.
Washington, D.C.: Did you ever come up with nicknames for the boys? How are they? Carolyn Hax: Fat and wiggly, thank you. Wait -- those aren't the nicknames, that's how they are. Oh, and since a few of you have asked, yes, they are identical.
Washington, D.C.: Not to detract from the fluff, but what is the Web site you referenced about distinguishing whether drinking was a problem? Carolyn Hax: Right, thanks for the reminder. I'll post it after the official sign-off, so I have time to dig.
Wilmington, Del.: Easter tradition: There are lots of us, and we all wear glasses in different styles. We take an annual Easter photo after switching glasses around. Dumb, but very funny every year. The videos of us negotiating on the trades are even funnier. Carolyn Hax: "Dumb" is what makes it important. Check out the December holiday chats.
Chick with Metal Nubs, Va.: Oh My GOD! My father gave me that exact same chick with metal nubs that chirps when in the palm of your hand. I know exactly what you're talking about. I pull it out every Easter and miss him, too. Carolyn Hax: Sigh.
Passover: My mom sends me underwear every year for Passover. Just thought I'd share. Carolyn Hax: The story, or the underwear?
Gaithersburg, Md.: I met a guy through work (he works for a contractor doing a project for my company), and think he's pretty neat. He and I seem to have some chemistry (according to my co-workers), and as it turns out, we are also practically neighbors. I want to ask him out, but we're still working together on this project. Any advice? Carolyn Hax: Use project to change "think he's pretty neat" to "know he's pretty neat." A huge percentage of the problems I read stem from getting to know someone mid-commitment instead of pre-. Look at it that way, and the need to hold off could be more of an opportunity than a hurdle.
Chick with Metal Nubs: That sounds like a bad Roger Corman B-movie. washingtonpost.com: (Sound of Lisa falling out of chair...) Carolyn Hax: I wondered what that was.
Van Nuys, Calif.: Carolyn, My gf is very jealous. Her dad left her mother for another woman and her ex-husband left her for another woman. This is a big problem for me because most of my friends are women. I haven't done anything wrong and I don't want to lie about seeing my friends. Actually its one friend in particular, I am more than willing to let my gf come along but I only get to see her two to three times a month and its usually not convenient for her to come. She has met my friend and I don't compare them. She told me she has a problem and so far she has not made me choose between her and my friend but she has told me she is thinking about it. For the record my friend is getting married in September and is going to move far away, but I have other friends and also since I met my gf I have never wanted to be with anyone else. Carolyn Hax: GF needs to treat you as you, and not as a part of this larger beast known as Men. You need to ask this of her -- it's a matter of basic respect -- and, if she can't give it, you need to decide if she is worth the price of her unaddressed* hangup. *If she shows a willingness to deal with her problem, then you can add patience to your options.
Easter present: My mother once sent me a bouncing eyeball for Easter. I swear it was the best present I ever got. Carolyn Hax: That sounds like a session-ender to me. Thanks everybody, type to you next Friday. (Stay tuned for Web site.)
Chick with metal nubs: It's TRUE! I dated one for a while, with disappointing results. Carolyn Hax: No chirping? Tragic.
http://www.niaaa.nih.gov/
washingtonpost.com: That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion. Keep up with the best Live Online has to offer and special breaking news discussions. Sign up for the NEW Live Online e-mail newsletter.
© Copyright 2003 The Washington Post Company | 
