| Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, April 25, 2003; Noon ET Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column. Appearing every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes. The transcript follows. Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.  To read the most recent responses, click "Get New Responses"
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Today's Column, Finishing MBA: Another take on it: You are right to follow your heart and ignore the parents. But maybe finishing an advanced degree -- especially if it's only one more year -- is a good idea. Teaching jobs often pay more to those with advanced degrees, and you never know. An MBA might help with something down the road. Wouldn't say that if we were talking about going for five more years with a dissertation, but for one year. Carolyn Hax: True about advanced degrees and teaching, thanks. I didn't get into that because s/he seemed pretty miserable, which can make even a year seem eternal.
United Kingdom:
Hi Carolyn, How do I tell a friend I don't want to do a house share with her because of her fondness for one night stands? I've tried "but I'm extremely untidy" (which is true), "but people share houses with friends and then fall out with them and I'd hate that to happen," but she seems oblivious or dismisses these reasons. I'm all for people's sex lives being their own business, but basically don't want to live in a house with strange drunk horny men wandering around every Saturday night. Carolyn Hax: Reason no. 402 that we should all learn to take no for an answer: The Politely Concealed Truth.
If she presses, I think you have to come some form of clean. "You aren't afraid of people you meet when you go out, and that's fine, but I am." Any way you say it will leave a vaguely judgmental aftertaste, which is unfortunate, but I think the best you can do is minimizing it by not mentioning sex, one-night stands, bringing people home, etc.
Somewhere in Europe: I have a friend who recently divorced (in the last six months). I haven't seen her in a long time and I recently moved to Europe. I thought it would be good for her to get out and I thought it would be fun to see her so I invited her to visit me last fall. She was supposed to come in January, but canceled because of a work deadline. She was supposed to come in March, but then canceled also due to work pressure. She shortened the original trip from 10 to four days. She was supposed to come tomorrow, but just canceled AGAIN today. I've been fairly understanding about this until now, she's been under a lot of pressure at work and all of the other life things going on for her, but I'm kind of pissed this time. I think it is rude to wait until the last minute when we've made plans to host her and cancel. I'm almost ready to say don't bother coming and you've lost a friend, but is that going to far? She's lost several hundred dollars herself with all of these cancellations, and I'm sure she doesn't take them lightly. In this pressured time for her, should I be more forgiving and be there for her? Am I being too judgmental in her preference for work over friends? I'm ready to blow up and I need some advice -- hold the steam in or let it go? Carolyn Hax: No no no, do not let steam go, please. Not without checking on her mental/emotional state first. Last-minute cancellations, esp. of ambitious plans, are classic depressed-person behavior--and divorce is a classic trigger for depression. And even if it is just work holding her back, isn't that worthy of sympathy too? Choosing work over friends is rarely an issue of "preference."
Ask her if she's okay. Tell her your feelings won't be hurt if she abandons or at least indefinitely suspends the Europe idea. Give her a nonjudgmental opportunity to explain her state of mind. If it turns out that she is just treating you lightly, -then- you can tell her you're peeved.
Finishing the Degree: More about the degree, most programs will let you take a two year leave, without losing any of your credits. That might be a good option, so you can see if you really don't like the program, and decide if you want to go back. Might feel very different in two years. Carolyn Hax: Excellent idea, thanks.
Durham, N.C.: Did you ever hear back from the person with the cat and the doberman? I've been worried. Carolyn Hax: Yes--thanks for reminding me. All pets okay. Apparently dog had bleeding gum.
Stuck in a Dead End: HI Carolyn, I'm stuck in a very miserable job: backbiting, fighting, brown-nosing going on all around me. I refuse to participate and have become very alienated. I'm desperate to get another job. I could have had one two months ago if I accepted a pay cut. My husband refuses to consider it. We just bought our first house (six months ago). We could survive if I took a 10 - 15K paycut, maybe not easily, but we could. The situation at my job is desperate, it's affecting my mental and emotional health. I've laid the scenario out for hubby, he won't budge. There's a job I think could be my for the taking in the next month if I go for the pay cut? I'm considering it, even without his consensus? What do you think? Carolyn Hax: I am very disturbed by the fact that your husband is both choosing money over your happiness, and being so rigid as to make your decision for you. Please check out www.peaceathome.org to see if there are any other signs that indicate he's a controlling or emotionally abusive spouse.
I know some people will slap me around for conslusion-jumping, but tough. You have nothing to lose by informing yourself, and everything to lose by living with someone who doesn't take care you.
Logan Circle, Washington, D.C.: Carolyn, Thanks for doing these chats. I'm curious about how you feel about chatters questioning or adding on to your advice. Do you look at it as another point of view to consider or see it as some anonymous person being critical of your work? Carolyn Hax: You're welcome. Mostly I see contributions as valuable, since I know it's not possible for me to see every angle of every question. I could do without the ones that imply that I'm stupid/negligent/deliberately biased for overlooking something, because, hey, I miss stuff. It's not deliberate or malicious, no need to bite off my head.
Datingland, USA: Hi Carolyn. I've been with my boyfriend for about a year. A guy I used to date, but stopped seeing when I started dating my current boyfriend, is still a friend of mine. I just found out recently that he's interested in me again. Do I tell my boyfriend about it? It seems kind of pointless, it's just that I know I would want to know if the situation was reverse. But I'm a much more jealous person than he is. What do you think? Carolyn Hax: If this is someone you see regularly, then your BF should know. Not to feed or indulge jealousy, but to be fair and not withhold information.
If this is a friend who is not routinely in your life, don't bother.
Lafayette, La.: I suspect my husband is cheating or on the verge of cheating, but have little or no proof. A therapist told me not to worry about trying to "catch" him or confront him, but focus instead on being so irresistible that he'd be a fool to leave me. I've been doing this, and he seems appreciative, but my unconfirmed suspicions are still getting the best of me (no sleep, stress-related illness, can't concentrate at work, etc.). If ignorance is bliss, why do I feel so damn lousy? Carolyn Hax: I never subscribed to the ingorance-is-bliss thing. Too often ignorance is just the calm before the blindsiding.
I hesitate to say this, though, because it sounds like you don't need any more reasons to be paranoid. You say you have no proof, but do you have legitimate, even gut-level grounds for suspicion? If you do, I'd say talk to your husband about them. If not, then I'm in a similar camp to your therapist's--that you're the one you have to work on.
I'm not entirely in the same camp, though--at least, not with your interpretation of her advice. I don't think it's fair for you to have to bust your butt to keep your husband's attention. No spouse should ever have to work beyond normal marital warmth and attentiveness. The burden of his fidelity is on him, not you.
What I think--and what I hope your therapist is really trying to say--is that you should focus on why you're an attractive wife to have. Believe that of yourself, and you'll feel less threatened by other women. You will also, even if he does cheat, recognize that infidelity isn't necessarily about you or your shortcomings.
Last thing--if your worst fear is that he is cheating, embrace that fear. Tell yourself, Yes, he is cheating. Then walk yourself through what that would mean. I have a feeling that, though devastating, the actual consequences wouldn't be as daunting as the ones you imagine rightnow.
Lomita, Calif.: I really would like to hear the feedback on this, so I'm trying desperate measures to get it looked at...here goes: To try for an answer from you this time,
I will cast my question in the form of a rhyme.
Gatekeeper Lisa, I appeal to you,
Please send my question for Hax to review! Here is the question I’m putting in verse
(Stay with me here, I’ll try to be terse.)
What gift should I give to the man who I married,
With whom now for twenty-five years I have tarried? His love is the best gift I’ve had in my life;
I’m awed every day that I live as his wife.
I want to present him with something to treasure,
That tells him I love him beyond any measure. I’d give him the moon, the sun and the stars,
Jewelry of gold, a fleet of fine cars,
Laughter and sunlight and joy I would capture,
And wrap with a rainbow and give for his rapture. But there’s sadly a limit on what I can spend,
Without causing problems of end meeting end.
So I’m asking you, Carolyn, and Lisa too,
And all of your readers, what should I do? What would you give to the love of your life
After twenty-five years of being his wife?
What gift says best that he’s the core of your soul?
Your best friend, your lover, what makes you feel whole? He’s fathered my child, we’ve shared laughter and tears,
Shared with me triumphs and trials and fears.
Together we’ve traveled for decades and miles,
Laughed at our fights and remembered with smiles. Tough times we’ve had, and arguments too,
Fought doubts, quelled differences and soldiered on through.
We’ve had roses and thorns, and rainbows and rain;
Pleasure unmeasured and also had pain. So tell me please, Carolyn, and Lisa too,
And all of the peanuts out there in the blue:
What can I give to the love of my life,
Who twenty-five years ago made me his wife?
Carolyn Hax: Well, call me a big fat softie. This is great.
How about a painstakingly assembled and indexed photo album/scrapbook of those 25 years? Or, along the same lines, give him You--also an album/scrapbook, but of you from birth to the day you met him, including things like school pictures, essays, news clippings and whatever fridge art your parents kept for you.
Flagstaff, Ariz.: Hey Carolyn, thanks for the fluffiness last Friday. I was bunny cake girl, and I'm amazed how many of us there are out there. Now my non-fluff question. Recently began seeing a guy (three months), we're having a great time, taking it slow. We're both more in your age bracket than in the bracket of your usual audience, well-established in our careers, etc. He has made a number of remarks about long-term couples like "being together for 18 years is really weird -- that's unimaginable." My folks recently celebrated their 50th anniversary and his comment was "how does anyone do that?" I'm at a place in my life where I'm ready to settle down -- with a good, compatible, companion -- and build one of those weird long-term relationships. No biological clock issues -- kids aren't an option for me, but I'm wanting to nest with a life partner. I know that we haven't been together NEARLY long enough for me to know whether we're a good match (although thus far he hasn't been screened out). On the other hand, I hate to get terribly emotionally invested in someone who isn't willing to do the long term with anyone. My question is: is a guy who says stuff like this throwing huge "don't have expectations" hints at me, or is this just a funky way of trying to "go slow" on his part? Or, is this cigar just a cigar? Thanks, I'll hang up and listen. Carolyn Hax: After the next "being together for 18 years is really weird -- that's unimaginable," ask him, "Why do you say that?" Could be the beginning of a beautiful conversation.
Overseas: I was surprised by your advice in last week's chat to a guy who asked how he could tactfully ask his girlfriend to lose weight. It seemed inconsistent with your regular lines of advice. You recommended that he bring up her weight as a health issue, which wasn't his concern so it would be a form of (white) lying. Not the foundation for a communicative relationship. Also, if this woman has half a brain, she would know her boyfriend wasn't really concerned about her health. Carolyn Hax: Actually, if you look at the way I phrased it, I was hinting that health was the only legitimate weight concern out there, and that if it was just about attractiveness then it wasn't a fair complaint. By health I mean either getting up to an unhealthy weight, or putting on weight at an unhealthy rate (often a sign of an emotional problem), or slipping into unhealthy eating habits.
Those three neatly rule out the "She was a 6 when I met her and now she's a 10 and I don't find her attractive any more" people, who would be better served by asking themselves whether they're really attracted to the person on the inside at all, and, if not, whether it's fair to stay with that person when looks will inevitably deteriorate all around. We all deserve to be attractive to someone for our lasting traits as well as the ephemeral ones.
That said, I know that too much extra weight is an attractiveness issue to everyone, albeit with varying definitions of "extra." Still, I don't think it's fair to ask anything more of a partner than to be at a healthy weight, and that range includes some weights that are rarely seen on a catwalk.
Dumpsville, USA: Can you explain to me the novel concept of remaining good friends with your ex? While it is a foreign concept to me, it is one I'm willing to consider. I was dumped two weeks ago by my girlfriend of one year on the grounds of "our inherent differences" -- communication being the biggest dinger of them all on her score card. While the breakup came as big shocker to me, she has expressed an interest in remaining good close friends. Honestly, I have mixed feelings about the concept. I just don't get it. Care to explain? Carolyn Hax: Not really, if that's okay, since it's different for every ex-couple. I will say, noncommittally, that exes can make good friends if they enjoy each other's company but find out in the course of their relationship that they simply don't work well in the tight spaces of coupledom. For whatever reason. Another plus, though not essential, is that both parties agree that they make a bad couple.
What is essential is that both parties want to be friends. If you don't, then don't; if you need more time before you decide, tell her you need more time before you decide. If after a few weeks or months or years you find you still have the affection but don't have the pangs or the sparks, give her a call.
Washington, D.C.: So Carolyn, You may never see my question, but I thought I'd try anyway: What do you do about a situation when you're married with children but can't stand you husband? I love him dearly but he's drastically changed over the years to the point that he's a bitter old man (and he's not old -- we're both in our early 30s). I know he'd depressed, but he won't do anything about it. We've discussed it, he admits that he could probably benefit from help but refuses to take that next step. His misery makes me miserable to the point that I really resent him and it's affecting my emotional health and our child's I feel like I want out, but am afraid that he'd do something drastic. Where do I turn? Carolyn Hax: Family therapist. You alone if he won't go, together if he (miraculously) will. You, unfortunately, are stuck being the one clear-thinking party and therefore you carry the responsibility for you, your kids and the Fam Unit. Take some off your shoulders by sharing it with a pro.
Philadelphia, Pa.: I have an odd question for you. I'm not gay but recently I've started having erotic dreams about my best friend, who is also not gay, and another friend, who is gay. The dreams are limited to these two people and mostly it's just kissing. I'm starting to wonder though... what's the deal? Carolyn Hax: I dunno. But my opinion of sexuality is that we are all just various shades of gray, even though society tells us to choose between black and white. So, unless you are attracted to people of the same sex when you're awake, I'd say your brain is just being gray.
Washington, D.C.: Hello Carolyn -- Hope you're getting some sleep given the two new additions (Two babies at once? You should get a medal!) I tend to develop crushes on guys, have them not be attracted to me, get passed over and become best friends. It's really hard on me, because it has happened so much. I feel as though I have this AMAZING personality but that I am not attractive to men. How do I break the cycle? Take now: I took a risk on liking this guy, letting myself be attracted even though I thought nothing would happen and history would pan out as it always does. We spent time, did all sorts of things. I thought (foolishly) it might go somewhere. Then yesterday he called me at work to excitedly tell me about this woman who he made out with. I want to be a supportive, but I also felt the urge to perform hari-kari with my Number 2 pencil. Is it better to separate myself from this great person? I don't want to hear about it, but I don't want to be closed off and make him uncomfortable either. Thanks! Carolyn Hax: As any regular reader will know, I believe firmly that we all need to be true to ourselves, especially when it comes to finding a mate.
But I think your self needs to get in touch with its inner biker chick, bad.
Washington, D.C.: Carolyn -- I think this may go in the "good" question category -- if you've never been in love before, how do you know if/when you're in love with the person? I do realize that it's different for everyone, but can you at least give me some indicators or questions to ask myself? Thanks and I wish and your new family health and happiness. Carolyn Hax: Thanks!
I don't know where I'd file this question, but it raises another question: Since everyone in love has to have had a first love, doesn't that suggest it's self-explanatory? Like obscenity--you can't define it but know it when you see it?
But what the hell, I'll try. Maybe it's when you find yourself caring about the person not as a separate entity, but as an extension of yourself.
Assuming you don't hate yourself, of course.
Whatever the definition, it has to be such that lust alone doesn't count.
Biker Guy, Great Plains, America: What's your definition of 'inner biker chick'? Carolyn Hax: Glad to explain. Keep reading.
Inner Biker Chick!: What a fantastic line. And so clearly applies to me. I am ALWAYS one of the guys. I've never outwardly been a girly girl (if only they could see my underwear though). Anyway, I am constantly being told by my guy pals that I'm such a great person and how ridiculous it is that I'm single, blah blah blah. I want to shake a couple of them I've been very attracted to and say then date me because I want to jump you. But I don't. Because clearly I'm not in touch with my inner biker chick who would be fearless enough to say such a thing. How does one otherwise fabulous babe get in touch with her inner biker chick? Carolyn Hax: I think you said it well--be fearless. Or at least less fearful. That's going to produce a different response in different people, which is the point. For some it'll mean finally saying things out loud, like, "Then date me because I want to jump you." For some it'll mean trading their Sensiblizers for ****-me shoes. Chucking the stationary bike for a mountain bike/deciding to train for a marathon. Doing things you never thought of yourself as doing but that you've always admired in others. It's the often small difference between a wallflower and an ass-kicker, which itself is often the difference between taken-for-granted and hot.
In Love -- Maryland: Some say it's when the other's happiness is an essential component to your happiness. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but it's one to ponder. Carolyn Hax: Hm. I like it, but it also works for a close friendship or a family bond, which is also love but not the kind of in-love love I think the person was asking about.
All over the place... seriously: OK, I think I may have a drinking problem. Seriously. Last night, I went out, got liquored up and met up with the guy I'm totally head over heels in love with (yes, we're hooking up, but it's a VERY complicated situation). Anyway, long story short, I was drunk and emotional and started crying and telling him how I felt about him and yelling at him because I don't understand why he can't tell me he loves me, blah blah blah. Well, this morning, I barely remembered the conversation and he told me via e-mail that I told him that I wanted to attempt suicide. He knows I've attempted it in the past (on several occasions), so it freaked him out. Now he wants to end this, but I know it was the liquor speaking, not me. I am fine. I am in therapy, on meds, and generally happy in life (job excepted, but hey, I'm working on that). That's why I think I may be an alcoholic -- I totally change and become irrational and dumb when I drink. How do I know for sure? FWIW, I've been in rehab in the past for drugs, so I know the deal. Would attending an AA meeting help me figure this all out? Carolyn Hax: It might, as might other alcohol-treatment venues favored by those who aren't into the higher-power thing, as might reading about alcoholism from reliable sources (check out last week's transcript for one).
But my question to you is, why? Why isn't your scare last night, combined with your psychiatric and substance-abuse and bad-drunkenness histories, argument enough in favor of not drinking any more? Why tempt fate at this point. If you agree and think you need treatment or if you want a second opinion, your therapist should be your first stop.
Arlington, Va.: I find myself apologizing a lot extensively to my boyfriend for things that really aren't that big a deal. For example, he was worried when I stayed out really late (2 a.m.) with my friends and didn't call him. Truly, I felt bad because I said I'd call him at 12 but he brought it up over and over again for at least a week. When I express any doubts about the future of our relationship,(not wanting to make plans too far in advance) he totally freaks and I am apologizing for days. I worry that this is the foundation of very controlling behavior. what do you think? Carolyn Hax: I think this is the foundation of very controlling behavior. Tipoff being that you are feeling controlled. See Peace at Home Web site mentioned above.
New England: Hi Carolyn. Just curious: Do you read any of those "women's" magazines like Cosmo and Glamour? I'm a single guy and I guess just looking for confirmation that these mags are full of it. Carolyn Hax: They are full of it. Mostly. Doesn't mean I don't read them though. They are waiting-room manna.
Washington, D.C.: One should not drink when they take meds. Drinking counteracts the meds. Carolyn Hax: Right. Thanks.
Could have used you yesterday: I got into a discussion with a friend about male-female groups when out and about. I was out with friends (male friends) and they occasionally commented on the attractive women in the restaurant/bar. Completely respectful about their comments -- nothing like "look at those hoo hahs" or anything. But then they said "there are more attractive women in this bar than in the entire office where we work." I felt somewhat offended. I didn't want any ego stroking, but I guess I felt like they totally forgot I was there. My female friend said that was my problem, and that "guy talk" doesn't mean anything. It's just a way of bonding. Meaning, if they think a girl looks really good, and she looks better than me, they're not insulting me or other women. I felt it was insulting period to break women down to physical appearance like that. And shallow. But they are entitled to their opinions. And they do talk about other things. I was just getting a little annoyed. I let it slide with just a roll of my eyes and a sip of my drink, but it didn't seem like enough. As the only female in a large group of men, how can I handle a passing comment like that without coming across as a petty shrew? And how can I not think all men act this way when women aren't around? Please, be gentle. Oh, I have female friends, they just were unable to go out. Love my women friends. Carolyn Hax: "Whatever you say, Brad." Or an eye roll is fine, too. I think women in your position (and I count myself among them, because I've certainly been there) tend to forget that the guys who say these things are rarely are as attractive as the people they're anointing as attractive. Right?
To be fair, it's the same of women out ogling guys. It's just sport, and it doesn't hold up under any form of scrutiny, and so rather than dignifying it with serious offense (petty shrewish), maybe just resolve to see it for the howler it is and either laugh or quip or brush it off.
Carolyn Hax: I typed "peffy shrewish" by mistake just then. Should have left it uncorrected.
Atlanta, Ga.: Forget the scrapbook -- a man wants Tivo! Carolyn Hax: Fine, but no poem for you.
Washington, D.C.: How are Fat and Wriggly? Carolyn Hax: A week fatter and wigglier, thanks. And the acne and dandruff seem to be clearing up, which is nice.
Carolyn Hax: Time to go. Thanks everbuddy, and have a great weekend.
Washington, D.C.: re: Poem for Husband That poem made me cry !!!! Maybe she should include something like that at the beginning of the scrap book ! Another softie Carolyn Hax: Oh wait, I thought I already posted one of these--sorry. Many suggestions to include same or similar poem, all good ones. tx
Peace at Home: I didn't find that Web site very helpful. I feel that my wife is very controlling of me, but yet, that Web site is all about domestic violence. While my wife can be difficult on a(n) (almost) daily basis, I have only known her 4-5 times over our 3 years of marriage to be physically violent. Do you have any other relevant Web sites to recommend? Carolyn Hax: Wait a sec--did you read the Handbook on Domestic Violence, specifically the part that lists warning signs? I thought it dealt well with controlling tendencies, even clearly nonviolent ones.
Which your wife's clearly are not. Your problem IS domestic violence. In three years, "4-5 times" is a significant amount of violence, because -any- amount is. Please get professional help.
Carolyn Hax: Now I'm really going.
Washington, D.C.: Re: lady who thinks boyfriend is controlling because he wants to know where she was until 2 a.m. and freaks when she doesn't want to make future plans -- hello? Your behavior makes it seem like you don't want a major commitment! Of COURSE he's going to be freaking! Not that you can't stay out with girlfriends until 2 a.m., but please give the guy a call, especially if you SAID you'd call... and it's perfectly normal when someone who wants to be with you in the future freaks out when he doesn't get the same response from you. Not ruling out the "controlling" thing here, but it seems like you're looking for an excuse so you don't have to feel bad about yourself for your non-committal behavior. Carolyn Hax: ANKH, wrong -- she apologized for staying out without calling, but he kept making her pay for it. Totally unacceptable.
And a member of a non-engaged couple is allowed to be -- SHOULD be -- noncommittal if s/he isn't sure s/he's ready to commit to that person.
Carolyn Hax: Sorry, that attitude gets under my fingernails.
Okay now I'm really going.
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