| Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, May 16, 2003; Noon ET Carolyn will take your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column. Appearing every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes. The transcript follows. Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.  To read the most recent responses, click "Get New Responses"
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Herndon, Va.: Hi Carolyn, I am 34 years old and have been very competitive and perfectionist since I was a child. Although I am not obsessed about it; I find myself frequently worrying about how to do better, whether it is my job, or family or way I am raising the kids, etc. I also expect my family to share the same beliefs. I sometimes realize that this may not be the best approach, but then after a few days I am back at it. How do I change the way I look at things? Carolyn Hax: Hi. I think the perspective you need to change is of yourself. The key to not being competitive, I think, is to be able to like yourself just fine when you're not the best at something, or even when you're really bad at it. Chances are you cut your friends that break--ie, you still like them even though you're fully aware of their flaws--so you just need to take the extra step and do the same for yourself. And probably for your kids, too, since I imagine you see them as an extension of, and therefore reflection of, yourself.
Big-guy-ville: Say, what's Nick's problem with bigger guys? Whenever there's a slob, a cad or a bounder in one of his cartoons, he's always a large guy -- usually with a big long jaw. As a large guy with a big long jaw, I get a little tired of that. Ask him to draw a good guy -- a good person, cuz the women are always skinny too -- who's the big guy for a change! Carolyn Hax: Heh. The big guy with the long jaw is a friend of ours, getting lampooned. A lot of Nick's "generic" people are real.
New England: Hi Carolyn! I miss living in D.C. just for these discussions! Please help, if you can. Woman is single for a year, while finishing grad school. Woman lands once-in-a-lifetime job halfway across the country, to begin post-graduation. Two months before she leaves, she meets amazing man, whom she clicks with like no other. Ever. He feels the same, although recently ended LTR and is terrified of jumping into a new one -- completely understandable and reasonable. Both man and woman agree that he is not moving, she is not staying, and neither of them wants to do a long-distance relationship. That said, neither of them wants to hold back and miss the full experience of the other person -- they feel blessed and lucky to have found each other, and assume that the forces that be have dropped them into this situation for a reason, and that they will work through it together. Adult or stupid? Carolyn Hax: Does it matter?
Argh: What would you suggest for someone who's randomly irritated, and takes her aggressions out on those who're close to her? It seems to come in spurts, where I'll just be mean to people I love, get them to hate me, and then I have to clean up my mess when I "come to." Time for therapy? Carolyn Hax: Time for something, and therapy would be in my top 5.
Washington, D.C.: Hi. Today's column hit a nerve. Several years ago, my then-boyfriend (now an ex) became "close" to his new boss at work, who was quite a bit older than him. I became anxious about their relationship because of the gifts they would exchange, the hours he would keep at the office, the things he would tell me about their interactions. For a year he denied anything was going on. We broke up over it because he accused me of being "crazy" because I was suspicious and didn't trust him. After we got back together again a couple of months later, he came clean. He WAS sleeping with her that whole time, and in some ways worse than that, he had become very emotionally close to her. He didn't tell me until after he decided to end it to get back together with me. Still, he often had dinner with her late at night (without telling me); she remained his boss and continued to give him gifts like books and such, with little "platonic" notes to him scribbled inside. He expected me to trust her even though I think he still was more emotionally invested in her than in me. After it ended, it took me a long time to be able to trust people in relationships again, because I felt my sense of judgment was so warped from the experience. Recently (but years after this all happened), I came upon Shirley Glass's new book, "Not 'Just Friends'", which discusses emotional infidelity as well as physical infidelity. I know you don't endorse books for the most part on your chat, but this is an excellent one that advises people how to take the steps necessary to rebuild trust with their partners after infidelity (emotional as well as physical), and how to move on and get over it when rebuilding isn't possible. Really a great book. Thanks. Carolyn Hax: I guess if you're the one endorsing it, it's okay. Thanks. Also, you don't need to hear this since you've found out the hard way yourself, but there's a line in your story that should have red flashing lights around it: "... he accused me of being "crazy" because I was suspicious and didn't trust him." I've been railing about this for as long as I can remember, but a real-live example is so much more effective. No one should ever stand for being called a name in response to raising a reasonable suspicion or concern (even if it turns out to be baseless). I can't tell you how much that problem turns up in my mail. Thanks for the soapbox.
Cartooning: I love Nick's cartoons, but I'll second the big guy and ask that one or two of the women occasionally NOT be itty-bitties. My God, he must know a lot of attractive, underfed ladies. Carolyn Hax: Well, he is in L.A.
Sketchville, a suburb of Morally Questionable Proper: Would it be 100 percent morally suspect for me to fake an engagement so I can have a bridal shower at work? We have either a bridal or baby shower at least twice a month, and I'm tired of shelling out for gifts. Around here, it seems like a person is only socially valuable or "whole" if s/he is married and working on many babies. I pretty much hate these people anyway, and would take a hearty amount of sick pride in conning everyone into lauding the now-you're-married-and-therefore-acceptable title upon me under false pretenses. Am I as hideous as I think I might be? Carolyn Hax: Well, yes. Life is too cool a thing to squander on pointless rage against people who don't really matter. So your colleagues are milestone-happy. So what?
For person who is randomly irritable: Start with a complete physical. There are many PHYSICAL problems that can cause irritablity, including hypothyroidism, electrolyte imbalances, and hormone imbalances. If those are eliminated, then therapy. Carolyn Hax: Good timing! Thanks.
Germantown, Md.: Hi Carolyn. I am hoping you can help me with a problem that's been eating away at me for some time. I am 25 years old and in a long-term relationship (four-plus years) with a man that I am very much in love with and want to build a future with. Every time I bring up the subject of our future, he says that he loves me very much, but he just isn't ready to take that next step (which I guess would be living together). It's very difficult for me to have these strong emotions for him while knowing that he does not share them. While we always have a wonderful time together and are very happy being with each other, this problem always seems to be on my mind when we aren't together. My question is this: If he's not ready now, will he ever be? What can I do to stop thinking about this problem all the time? How much time should I give him before giving up? Thanks! Carolyn Hax: Leave. Go get a life without him, one where you're the one making the decisions on your happiness. Maybe he'll see the light, maybe he won't -- you guys are both really young, and his needing more time is hardly something you should take personally -- but don't make winning him back the purpose of your leaving. The purpose should be to show yourself that you can build your own future. Very empowering. I'm not saying you necessarily have to be single, but waiting around for someone else to decide who you are is dispiriting, especially at 25, when you haven't really stood on your own yet.
Silver Spring, Md.: Is the guy in the baseball cap Nick? Carolyn Hax: Tis.
Also for person who is randomly irritable: You could have a mood disorder. Do not write this off. You could have a mild version of bipolar (makes you sensitive to emotional stimuli) or something else. Keep an open mind. Mention it to your primary care doctor and see if they agree or if they can recommend a psychiatrist. Carolyn Hax: Good advice in there for anyone with a mystery problem that might be health-related -- keep an open mind, and mention it to primary care doctor. Thanks.
Alexandria, Va.: I say leave Nick alone! His drawings are CARTOONS! Nobody minds that Marge Simpson doesn't look like a "normal" woman (thank God!) Carolyn Hax: Actually, I have thin, fine hair, and I think Matt Groening is completely insensitive to women like me.
Portland, Ore.: Carolyn, I'm 25 and have exactly the sort of job I hoped for and expected to be passionate about. Trouble is, I'm not. I recently got rejected from a grad school program I had pinned my hopes on (one that seemed relatively easy to get into, given my credentials in the field). I'd been so excited about finally picking a new direction and moving forward. Now I feel so frustrated at work, I devote much of my time to day dreaming about small business ventures or other career paths that would invigorate me. None is financially feasible right now, and other grad schools aren't an option, as I love where I live and am tied to the city for multiple reasons. What's a stifled, deflated, day-dreaming 20-something to do? Carolyn Hax: Have another look at all those reasons you "can't" do X or Y. In my vast(ly limited) experience, most are usually bull****.
Etiquette, shmetiquette?: After I attend dinner parties at friends' houses, I always send a thank-you card. This includes the few gatherings where I brought dessert or another dish. A couple of times, I've received a surprised "thank you" from the host for my thank-you card. In contrast, I've never received a thank-you card from people I've had over for dinner parties. Am I out of step? Am I being old-fashioned and stuffy for sending thank-you cards? Should I not bother anymore? Carolyn Hax: Again, does it matter? You do a nice thing. Keep doing the nice thing for the nice thing's sake, and no one will get hurt.
Anonymous: I had a crush on this guy, and he likes me too. But everyone makes fun of him. I can see why they do. He is really hot, my God -- even though he is kind of a dork. I don't think I could stand him in the long run. We're good friends now and I dunno how much a few nights in the sack would effect our whole friendship. Carolyn Hax: You've figured me out. The only reason I keep typing "wait till you establish some kind of emotional intimacy before you jump to the physical" is to keep my fingers limber.
West Coast: Know a girl who met an east coast guy online. He flies out here, drops nearly a grand on the first date, and all their dates since have been of that nature. The catch? He gave her a fake name. She traced his phone to his real name, and found that everything he's told her is true -- except for his real name. My spider sense is tingling (it was from the first date), but she says once he shares his real name, she'll know he trusts her. Any advice on this? Carolyn Hax: Spiders have more sense than she does.
Baltimore, Md.: Since October I've been dating a Greek Orthodox guy. He's sweet and fun, and prides himself on being a nice guy. We dated several months before he politely told me it couldn't go anywhere because I'm not Greek. Since, we've maintained a friends with PG-13 benefits. I've kept things in perspective, but lately my heart has seemingly gotten a little too involved. Do I walk away now and leave behind a decent friendship or just let this whole thing play its course until its over? I like him very much, but don't expect him to have a change of heart. Still, he seems content with things as they are. Carolyn Hax: Well, that should scare you. I would resent not only keeping the seat warm for someone else, but also that he had no problem with using me as a seat warmer. Granted, you're both adults and you've both been honest blahblahblah, but I think you'll like the view better if you save your feelings for someone who sees you as more.
Des Moines, Iowa: Hi Carolyn, Do you think that it is possible to really find true love with your first love? I am 22, and have only dated one person -- I started dating him when I was a freshman in college. He has never dated anyone else other than me. We are very compatible for the most part, and I really believe that I love him very much, but I can't help but wonder if things would be different if we had dated other people. Right now we are long distance since he is in grad school, and I guess I find myself questioning the relationship with him more than I'd like. We both are assuming that I will eventually move out near him and get a job (I'm still in school). Any thoughts? Carolyn Hax: I think it's possible to find true love up a tree with nothing but sneakers on, and that it's also beside the point. You are questioning. So, question. Use the distance to allow both of you to be 22 without strings attached. Not so you can date other people, though you might, but so you can see what it's like to live only for yourself for a while. It's a lot like the 25-year-old above; people need to know what they are like as individuals before they can effectively judge what's good for them in a mate.
For West Coast: You sure it's not just the name of a housemate that the phone number is registered to-or the name of the last person to have the number? It would be unfortunate to cause a big fight over something that's not actually a problem. It's just a thought. Otherwise, yeah, that's freaky. Carolyn Hax: True, but somehow she verified that everything else was true. Plus there are still the thousand-dollar dates, uncontested bad news.
Maryland: Hi Carolyn, What do you think are the things a couple needs to think and talk about before moving in together? My boyfriend and I are in our late 20s, have been together a year, and are starting to talk about living together. We care about each other very much and have been pretty much living together for at least six months anyway (he spends all but maybe five nights a month at my place). So living together seems to make a lot sense, but I want to make sure we talk about everything we should before we make the decision. I just want to make sure I'm not ignoring or forgetting the possible negatives. I also seem to recall you being against couples living together before marriage and I'm curious about why. Thanks for your advice! Carolyn Hax: That opinion is [bleeping] plutonium. I am not universally opposed to couples' living together before marriage. I think it's a really bad idea to use cohabitation to help you decide if you want to marry someone, since getting out of it is both an emotional and logistical nightmare, and so a lot of people who want to break up don't, or at least put it off, because they can't face the thought. I think home-sharing after you're engaged, though -- i.e., you've already decided to spend your life with this person -- makes sense if you don't really know what it's like to share space with him or her. That's because the only exit that is logistically and emotionally more nightmarish than from cohabitation is from a marriage. I also think most of the shack-up disasters are rooted in a difference of premarital opinion. If one of you sees living together as a precursor to marriage and the other sees it as a fine goal in itself, somebody's going to get annoyed, disappointed or hurt. So, my opinion is, move in if both of you would agree with the following statement: "Far as I know, this is the way I'd be happy to spend the rest of my life." If you don't agree, hang onto your own apartment.
What's wrong with: thousand dollar dates? Carolyn Hax: I'm going to cry.
Re: Mayor of Sketchville: Fair enough -- I think this is one of those things that I wouldn't actually do, but am severely tempted toward on the bad days. FWIW -- every time you mention that there are still about 10 people in this world who think it's okay to ask "So when are you getting married/having babies/validating my life choices," I always laugh and feel the need to tell you that there are actually 274, and they all work here. Carolyn Hax: R-E-S-U-M-E, find out what it means to me ...
For Greek Orthodox: ARGH! This situation ALWAYS drives me nuts, whether it's a Greek Orthodox guy, a Jewish girl, etc. I -am- Greek Orthodox, and while it'd be nice if I happened to meet a nice GO girl, I'm not going to let a VERY antiquated component of my (otherwise) wonderful religion undermine my search for happiness and fulfillment. And there ARE options, for crying out loud. You could NOT get married in the Greek Church, you could convert, he could convert. (If my mom hadn't converted, where would I be now?) Good luck. Carolyn Hax: I got married in a Greek Orthodox church, and I didn't convert.
But look where that got me.
Boston, Mass.: Hi Carolyn, Weekend advice -- please! About to tell my father that the guy I've been with for eight months is of a different race, and that the relationship is really serious. I've been stressing about this for some time, keeping the relationship semi-private until I was ready to talk to my parents, as I expect (no, KNOW) that my father (and other family members and family friends) will be both very disappointed and unsupportive, for the wrong reasons. I'm 28, and boyfriend is 30 (both divorced). I feel happiness with him that I've never felt before, and really want him to get to know my family, which I am very close to. I feel this relationship is so worth fighting for, but apprehensive and a little sad that I have to do any fighting at all for something I want, and someone who's really great. Any advice on how to go about dealing with probable family conflict and negativity? Thanks! Carolyn Hax: Wait -- why are you even fighting? "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I don't need to defend my choices to you." You're 28. It's too late now, but I think withholding the fact of his race will only provide ammunition for your critics. Now they can say that even you know it's wrong, because why else would you hide it?
USA: Hi Carolyn, Got in a big old fight with a close friend a while back because she wanted to come visit for a week and my husband and I felt that was a little too long (tiny apartment). I asked if four days would be OK and she got really offended and cancelled the trip. Do you think it's rude to impose limits on houseguests? Carolyn Hax: No, I think it's rude to assume it's okay you're welcome for a week in a couple's tiny apartment, and to wig out on them when they set limits.
Twice (?) Married: Hi, Carolyn -- I'm engaged (yay!) and we're crazy in love and are planning on getting married next summer. One twist, though: her health insurance is WAY better than mine, and I've got some minor, but chronic and expensive medical issues, so we were thinking about quietly doing the civil ceremony so I can be covered by her insurance. We'd still like to have the religious ceremony with friends and family and all that next summer, though. We don't want to tell anyone about it, but are wondering if you think that's cheating or being dishonest somehow. We're pretty sure both our mothers would flip out, and we wouldn't want anyone to feel like we're trying to sucker guests into buying gifts for people who have already been married for a year or anything like that. We also think it might be a neat thing to just have as a secret between the two of us. Whaddaya think? Having the religious ceremony is very important for the two of us, and we really want all the friends and fam to be able to be there to celebrate with us, but is it okay to do both? Thanks! Carolyn Hax: I've known a few people who've done this. The difference between "Oh how romantic" and "Oh I can't believe they're shaking people down after already having been married" is the discretion of the initial ceremony -- if it's just for you, then it's just for you, right? -- and the tastefulness of the follow-up ceremony-reception production number. Make it about the sacred element and the family/friends you want to include, vs., I don't know, the centerpieces, and you'll be fine.
I know why they're wrong, but: Will you explain why you think $1,000 dates are wrong? We want to hear you on this. Carolyn Hax: Okay. I would feel like someone was trying to buy me, and would be more impressed with someone confident enough to let his character be the primary source of entertainment. Any dork with a Visa can spend $1,000.
New York, N.Y.: I have the opposite problem as the other poster. When I come down to visit my friends they become angry when I do not want to stay with them. I dislike imposing and sometime would like to spend time with other friends in the area. What can I say to make them understand that this is not an insult to our friendship? Carolyn Hax: "This is not an insult to our friendship, I just like to have my own space." It won't work, but sometimes there's just no getting through to people. Why, I have no idea, but it does keep me employed.
Virginia: Hi Carolyn -- I’m actually the one featured in today’s paper (I really liked your advice). To agree with the other writer today, I did feel that an emotional type of infidelity did take place. Of course, this was hard for my husband to understand and we’ve spent a lot of time talking about it. Anyway, fast forward to today, I was beginning to convince myself that things could be good and trusting between us again but unfortunately, another incident arose which I don’t want to describe in detail here because it might alert others who we are. Suffice it say, his explanation for this new incident makes me doubtful all over again about his behavior. Call me foolish, I’m not ready to give up yet. I know he loves me and I love him, I just don’t know what the hell is going on sometimes. I really believe we have a lot of good things going for us but I know ultimately if I can’t trust him, we won’t work. Thanks for listening and thanks for your advice. Carolyn Hax: You're welcome, and I'm really sorry about the setback. Even though I'm sure you'd prefer that the problems would go away and you could live happily ever after, that's not entirely your decision to make. What is up to you is your attitude, and it sounds like you've got the best one possible under lousy circumstances. Maybe not now but someday, and regardless of the outcome, it will be a source of comfort for you that you stood in there and tried. Good luck.
For twice-married: A lot of companies now allow coverage even if you aren't married -- my wife and I did it. We just put each other in our wills and signed a statement that we had an ongoing relationship, and that was that. Check into it. Carolyn Hax: Worth a look, thanks.
Having civil ceremony first and big ceremony later: Make sure this is okay in your church. I know the Catholic Church refuses to marry anyone who is already civilly married. Carolyn Hax: Also worth a look. Oops.
Re: Greek Orthodox: Whoa there. I can understand the frustration directed toward the idea of only marrying within your religion because of the limits. HOWEVER, for some people, religion is such an important factor/part in their lives that they cannot share their life with someone without that person sharing their religion. For those people, it is incredibly hard to imagine sharing everything -but- their spirituality/link to religion (and culture, since for some religions, there's a HUGE cultural component as well). I'm not saying that everyone should be of this opinion, but give those of us who do some slack for making religion important to us in -that way-. (In no way does this mean that religion is not important to others, just not in the sense of feeling the need to marry within the religion) Carolyn Hax: Fair point, thanks. FWIW, I think the slack is given to those who don't date other-faith "toys" whom they know upfront that they'll never take seriously -- which is, unfortunately, a common practice.
Tysons Corner, Va.: I have a really big problem and need your advice. When my husband proposed, I knew he wasn't excited about the thought of kids, but I was. I asked him straight out: Do you want kids? Because if you don't I'll find someone who does. He said he did want kids and we got married. Now, three years later, he says he doesn't want kids. I'm devastated. I don't think he's going to change his mind and I dream of kids every night. I'm very religious, and don't really believe in divorce. But I don't think God wants me to live in this hell. Should I get a divorce or live childless with my husband? Thanks for any advice you can give. I need it. Carolyn Hax: Eek. Please talk to your clergy person. It is my understanding, though, that at least some churches would see your marriage as invalid because your husband entered it under false pretenses. I say this not because I know what I'm talking about, since I don't, but because there may be possibilities you haven't considered yet. There's no reason you should keep this hell to yourself. Get help.
Arlington, Va.: Hey, Carolyn. This is more of a meta-question: How do you choose which questions to answer and which to pass over? Is it based on the kind of answer you think you can give or the severity of the situation? Do you ever wonder about the people who you didn't get to advise? Thanks, I love the chats. Carolyn Hax: Thanks. I answer the first question I see that I want to and feel I can answer. Really scientific. I do try to pass over something I think I've answered recently or to death, but because I'm doing this live and I'm already famously slow at producing my answers, I try to make up time by selecting questions quickly, which means I'm pretty sure I do answer some questions repeatedly and to death. Apologies for that. Except to those who nag me for being slow, when I, and Lisa, and the rest of the producing staff, and my bosses, and everyone who has ever stopped by this forum, and Mr. Boo already know that I'm slow.
Civil Ceremony: It is not true the Catholic Church will not marry someone if they have been done a civil ceremony previously. I have several friends who did that. Further information: http://www.dwc.org/questions/Marriage/civil.htm Carolyn Hax: Proof that I know nothing about church things. Thanks.
Questions: Are you going to get to my question about the man/woman/child issue? washingtonpost.com: Please don't send these in. We've got hundreds of questions here, and I have no way of knowing, based on this, what you're talking about. -- Lisa. Carolyn Hax: This has been a Lisa Service Announcement.
For No Kids: Does he not want kids EVER or not want kids RIGHT NOW? There's a difference. Carolyn Hax: Indeed. But if it's the latter, she needs to beware the string-along. Talking is good.
San Francisco Bay, Calif.: I believe my brother is gay and doesn't realize it. I think he'd be happier knowing (he's been depressed long term). How can (or should) I bring this up to him? We've never been close. Carolyn Hax: I'd be inclined to work on the we're-not-close thing before I dropped the I-think-you're-gay thing. Too bad it's 2 -- I'd like to see other thoughts on this.
Is it time to go home?: I just got dumped. She works in my office and wants to be friends. This isn't gonna be easy, is it? Carolyn Hax: No, but the harder you try to be a miraculously good sport, the easier it'll be. I swear. And you'll like yourself better for it in the end, as long as you keep it dignified and civil, vs. becoming a doormat.
Carolyn Hax: Have to leave on time today. Bye -n- thanks.
Re: Possibly Gay Brother: Even if you're not close, if he's comfortable with the Internet, there are probably Web sites you could refer him to. You might want to check out PFLAG for yourself; I'm sure there are others who have been in your situation that could give you better advice. Carolyn Hax: Good call on PFLAG -- somehow they fell out of my head between this week and last.
Gay in Seattle: I struggled for years in accepting myself as I was, and when I finally came out, most of my family said "I kind of already knew" (or suspected). It would have been nice to know what they were thinking, but in the long run, I had had to work up the courage myself to face that fear. In the long run, I think it's best if the brother discovers it for himself. Though it certainly wouldn't hurt to let him know in a VERY NEUTRAL way that gay people are people, and there's no difference. Carolyn Hax: Works for me, thanks.
Washington, D.C. -- Re: Brother: I also thought my brother was gay for a long time because of certain characteristics/preferences he had. However when I brought it up to him (by asking point blank that maybe he was) he was very offended and hurt. We have since patched up our relationship, but wouldn't recommend that method. Carolyn Hax: Agreed, thanks.
Re: Gay Bro: Um, unless he's 12, I think he probably is aware of his sexuality. How arrogant and condescending did s/he sound? Carolyn, you usually blast those out of the park? After kids, can you no longer hit the fastball? Lol. Carolyn Hax: Ar ar ar. S/he didn't sound arrogant or condescending to me, merely concerned.
Overseas: I see your point about Boston's having "hidden" her BF's race as ammo for those in her family who would say that was proof that she was ashamed. But isn't it also possible for her to have not mentioned it because really, it wasn't anything she thought needed mentioning? She probably told her family how great he is, and what the heck does his race have to do with that? Carolyn Hax: It is a possible, and preferable, reason for her not mentioning it. If only it were true.
Pssstt..gay guy here: This is the way that I would like it to be handled. Sibling/friend should say, "X, I love you no matter what. Should you ever marry someone from another race, decide to join the circus, come to the conclusion you are GAY, adopt a family of zebras...etc". He may not be able to talk about being gay or may not be sure about his sexual orientation. This also enables him the ability to talk about it when he wants and in the most comfortable manner possible. Please also make sure to point out when appropriate (don't go out of your way) that when so and so announced he/she is gay, it was a very cool/brave thing to do. Carolyn Hax:
Why is brother gay?: My family thinks I'm gay -- and the only reason is because they're extremely religious, and I'm 25 without a serious girlfriend, have gay friends and have no interest in marriage, at this point. Maybe your brother is gay, or maybe he's just having a good time, doesn't feel the need to conform to typical heterosexual roles, and maybe you should just mind your own business. Carolyn Hax:
Springfield, Va.: Carolyn: FWIW, my sister told me herself she was gay right after we decided to live together. This was over 21 years ago, we were in our early 20's and while I always thought she and I were different and not close, SHE came to ME. In hindsight, I would never have it another way. And I agree with you. I would mention the "we're not close" part rather than anything else. Ultimately, if it is true, it is HIS story to share. Just MHO Carolyn Hax:
Re: Gay brother: Telling someone he's gay is not going to magically solve his problems, even if it's true. I was "informed" by a friend in college that I was a lesbian, which, beyond being presumptuous, didn't do me any good. (I figured out years later that I'm bisexual.) Everybody has to figure out their own sexuality -- it's not a black and white issue. Carolyn Hax:
For possibly gay brother: If she thinks the brother is depressed, she might suggest counseling, and let the brother explore whatever issues on his own with a therapist. Carolyn Hax:
washingtonpost.com: That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.
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