| | Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, May 30, 2003; Noon ET Carolyn takes your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column. Appearing every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ฎ offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and thats about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes. The transcript follows. Other mail can be directed to Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com. Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
| SUNNY! East Coast (Finally): Is there ever a wrong reason to seek therapy? I have a fantastic life, wonderful job, amazing boyfriend. I consider myself well-adjusted and well, just incredibly happy overall. My only "issue" is my relationship with my mom. I am not looking to change it, per se. But I don't have anyone I can "vent" to about her. My best friend's mom was abusive, so my little beefs seem silly. My boyfriend just doesn't get the mother/daughter dynamic. Can I seek a counselor just to talk? Just to vent? Without having some awful life problem? Thanks! Carolyn Hax: I think there is a wrong reason to seek therapy, and that's to get validation for stuff you know is wrong ("Sopranos" did a great take on it with Tony's sister Janice) or just for treating yourself as sick when all you really need to do is behave better.
The reason you suggest here doesn't sound "wrong" so much as counterproductive. I mean, do you really want to dwell on this mom stuff for an hour every week? ________________________________________________ Hartford, Conn.: Hi Carolyn, In reference to the second question in today's column, I care a lot -- way too much -- about what people think of me. I find myself not taking risks in life because I'm afraid people will think less of me (thereby confirming my suspicions of inadequacy) if I fail. It's something I'm delving into with a shrink, but I find it super-daunting to take that first risk (even something as simple as asking someone on a date). Any suggestions? Carolyn Hax: Make that "first risk" smaller than asking someone out, like buying a color you wouldn't normally wear or starting to train for a race. You can always work your way up. Also, look around you and see how accepting you are of other people's failings. If anything, our screwups make us -more- likable, not less. ________________________________________________ Washington, D.C.: Carolyn -- As a new mother yourself I am hoping you can just tell me to suck it up and get over it. I have a beautiful 3-month-old son and a wonderful husband. I take care of our son and cook dinner and my husband pretty much does everything else -- picks up the house, takes out the garbage, does his own laundry, does the dishes after dinner, walks the dog, etc. So why am I writing you? My husband plays with our son, but other than that, he has very little involvement with the baby and never offers to help with the baby stuff. For example: when the baby is fussing, I have been pacing the hall for an hour and a half and am about to lose it, he would never offer to take the baby and try to get him to sleep. He has never offered to give the baby a bath, and he literally has only changed one diaper. He LOVES his son, he thanks me every day for him, and I know once this little guy gets bigger he will be very involved with him. I think the baby thing is a bit intimidating for him and since he does so much other stuff I don't want to make an issue of it. But how do I deal? I want him to get some confidence with the baby so I could possibly go out with a friend for a cocktail? (And no, I don't criticize anything he does with the baby; I only use positive reinforcement.) Should I just suck it up until Jr. is a bit bigger, or insist my husband become more involved with the baby stuff, which could trigger our one revolving argument of "you don't appreciate what I do"? Any advice? Carolyn Hax: Go out with your friend for a cocktail. Your husband will figure out what he needs to figure out. (How much did you know 3 mos ago?) Also, tell him you'll do the dishes and walk the dog while he bathes the baby. Hand the baby over and you start picking up the house. Etc. In the immortal words of a very good ad agency, just do it. ________________________________________________ I've lost my mojo: Hi Carolyn. My question is about self-esteem. Once upon a time, I looked in the mirror and saw an attractive, witty, outgoing person that I liked very much. Fast forward three (emotionally wrenching) years, and I wonder where this person has gone. All I see in the mirror is someone with significant physical and emotional battle scars, who isn't nearly as fun as she used to be. I've made some significant changes in my life, moving to a new city, getting a new job. But now that the trauma is behind me and better days lie ahead, how can I regain some of my lost self esteem? Carolyn Hax: Stop thinking about self and esteem and start having some fun again. If you can't find it, make it. You aren't old and battle scarred, you are older and more interesting.
This may be bull****, but it works for me. ________________________________________________ Arlington, Va.: Hey Carolyn, here's a good one for you. I honestly am dumbfounded as to what to do. Ugh. Long story short, best friend of 15+ years gets engaged two months ago and asks me to be the maid of honor. I say yes! Brother gets engaged three weeks ago. YAY! However, both have chosen the same date in October 2004 to get married. I can't just back out of my best friend's wedding but I will most certainly be thrown out of the family if I miss my brother's. I really don't see how I can pull this all off. Both of their weddings will be here in DC so that helps somewhat but I'm not holding out much hope. Do I bring this up to each of them? I mean I don't want them to change their wedding plans around because of me but they have both unknowingly put me in the WORST position and I'm feeling unbelievably guilty. Help me here! Carolyn Hax: Brief interlude while I wonder why for the love of Velveeta people set wedding dates 17 months in advance, as if "I do" needed that much rehearsing.
Anyway. You accepted your friend's invitation first, which means you go to your friend's wedding. Family-philes will howl at me, but hey--I'm one too and I'd let my sibling off the hook in the same situation.
And, were I the friend/bride here, I'd let you off the hook to go to your brother's wedding. I mean, it's just a day, and I'm not going to make you pay for being stuck in a tough situation. ________________________________________________ New York, N.Y.: Hi Carolyn, I work with a team in a pretty open, comfortable environment. We constantly joke around, take lunches, happy hours together, etc. There's a woman on the team (I'm a guy) whom quite often dresses sharp and looks great. There's honestly no sexual attraction going on, but is it inappropriate to comment while in an office environment simply that "you look great today"? Will this come off as a loaded comment regardless of how I actually feel about this woman? Thanks for your thoughts. Carolyn Hax: A more clothing-specific "Great jacket/outfit/[whatever]" might leave less room for misinterpretation than "You look great." Maybe I'm splitting hairs, but I'd rather do that than discourage a happy impulse. ________________________________________________ Philadelphia, Pa.: My husband and I have decided to start trying to get pregnant. Very exciting, and of course I want to share this momentous news with my two best friends. My problem is that I am worried about how they will react. "Jane" has never wanted marriage or children for herself and already told me she dreads the day that I announce I'm pregnant because she'll feel she can't relate to me anymore. "Sue" has recently decided that she doesn't want kids, either, and is clearly less than happy about her sister's recent pregnancy. I'm pretty sure they are going to feel that I am abandoning them for a lifestyle that they reject. Realistically, I know having a baby WILL change my life/perpsective/relationships, but these two women are like sisters to me (despite their weird attitudes about some things) and I want to keep them in my life. Any suggestions for how to break the news? Carolyn Hax: Don't. Puhleeeease. At least, don't treat it like a yay-big-announcement!!! because 1. it might take you a while and in fact (necessary brutal reality moment) might never happen, and so you need to make sure you're equally prepared emotionally to share good news AND bad, and 2. you need to ask yourself if your friends really want to know this. I mean, "Hey, we're having sex without protection!" isn't universally accepted as information one wants to have about one's friends.
Meanwhile, your friends have all but told you outright that they're not the ones to turn to with your yay-big-announcement!!!*, so listen to them. Bring up the subject in the context of their unhappiness. E.g., "Hey, if I have my way, I'll have a family sooner rather than later, but I don't want to lose my best friends in the deal."
* Seems to me there needs to be a group getting-over of oneself to keep this trio intact.
________________________________________________ For Sunny!: Start a journal. You'd be surprised how simply sitting down and writing it on paper (or on your computer) can help you clarify, analyze and ventilate about stuff. I mean, the importance here is for you to work out your thoughts, right? It doesn't matter who hears/knows what your thoughts are. Carolyn Hax: The 100-percent-off discount is nice, too. Thanks for the suggestion. ________________________________________________ Washington, D.C.: One of my roommates recently ended a two-year relationship with a guy who is in our group of friends. She said she was unhappy and we didn't pry although it seemed incredibly abrupt (she was joking about them getting married only a couple months ago). Immediately after the breakup she starts hanging out with a guy from her very small office who is older and her superior. Needless to say, this makes our group house very uncomfortable. We like the new guy but don't approve of how she handled the breakup. I know this is essentially none of my business, but it's not something I can ignore because they're around the house all the time. I feel awful for her ex (our friend) and really think she must have absolutely NO empathy to not understand why what she did would hurt him (and us) or worse, to not really care. I know there's essentially nothing I can do and some of my other friends have talked to her with overall negative results. How can I approach her and not seem judgmental? Even though that's exactly how I feel? Carolyn Hax: And what she did was awful ... why, exactly? Because she didn't tell everyone she was unhappy? Or because she wasn't unhappy but had her boat rocked by someone else? Both of these just happen sometimes, whether people want them to or not. If either is the case here, seems to me that breaking up as soon as she was certain--and therefore abruptly--was her only forthright recourse. Painful for the guy, sure, but that would make it unfortunate, not malicious, and therefore not a punishable offense by your friend. ________________________________________________ Alexandria, Va.: Why do people feel the need to share the fact that they are "trying" to get pregnant? I don't tell people that I'm trying not to get pregnant. Carolyn Hax: Why do you insist on shutting us out this way! (sob) ________________________________________________ Washington, D.C.: Did you really cuss in an interview with the Post's Kids page? I know that cursing is pretty societally pervasive (I've a mouth like a sailor myself), but really? To a published Kids page? Am I a prude? Carolyn Hax: Call the [bleeping] sensitivity police.
It was an interview in the Health section, and I wrote [bleep] on purpose as a joke. I'll see if Lisa can grab the URL. ________________________________________________ washingtonpost.com: Tell Me About It -- Twice (Post, May 27, 2003) ________________________________________________ Arlington, Va.: Recently, my father was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Apparently, there are very few options but he might live as long as 10 years or as few as 1. I found this all out from my mother a few months ago, and since then I have not brought myself to talk to my dad about it. We see each other often but act as if everything is normal. He knows I know, but I don't know what to do about it -- should I start a dialog or let him start one? Carolyn Hax: Well somebody's got to say something. If you don't want this haunting you, I suggest you start. "Dad, I want to talk about this but I don't know how."
I'm sorry you and he have to go through this, it's a really tough break. If you deal with it head-on, though, I think you'll find that it can be an incredibly ... what's the word, profound? enriching? enlightening? experience for you both. ________________________________________________ Trying: I agree, telling friends you are trying to get pregnant is just plan creepy. I have some friends told me when they were trying, and after I banished the mental image from my head, I resolved NOT to share this news when/if I'm ever trying. Carolyn Hax: The global community sends its thanks. ________________________________________________ Washington, D.C.: Hi Carolyn, I am falling for my roommate and am not sure how to approach the situation. I think she is amazing, I love her company, and I like her more every time we hang out. However, first, I am not sure she feels the same way sometimes I think she might but it's a grey area, second, I do not want to make things weird between us since we are roommates (is there an unwritten rule about roommates dating?) and would hate to lose her as a friend, and third, I am very shy so this is not easy for me to begin with. But I think about her constantly and not only is she everything I would look for in a friend, but significant other as well (too many little things I like about her to list here). Oh, the roommate problem would be short lived as I will be moving in a couple months, unfortunately to another city which could pose another problem, but one I would be very willing to work on. I hope that made sense. Thanks for listening! Carolyn Hax: Sure thing. Why don't you use the next couple of months to let things run their natural course? ________________________________________________ Chicago, Ill.: Hi, Carolyn -- This is going to sound incredibly petty, but I'd like your advice. (My instinct is to keep my mouth shut but I'd like your opinion.) I recently started a new job after six months of being unemployed and I am happy to say that I love it. I've finally found my niche and I have no complaints -- except one. One of the women I work with regularly has terrible body odor. She is an older (i.e., late 60-something) executive who has been with the firm for years. She is always polished and professional -- nice suits, well-groomed hair and nails, etc. and I am sure she has no idea about this BO problem. I try to ignore it but it's really tough -- she comes into my office and stands right near my desk and I literally have to hold my breath/breathe through my nose. My discomfort aside, I wonder if it is in her best interest to know about this issue. I mean, if it were me, I'd be mortified to find out, but I'd want to know so I could correct the problem. Also, I believe it affects the way others in the office look at her and I feel bad for her - she is a kind person and I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings. Should I say nothing? Drop her an anonymous note? My newness at the company and her seniority make a face-to-face out of the question. Any advice from you and the peanuts will be greatly appreciated (by me and the rest of the office!) Carolyn Hax: You'd be surprised at how often I get asked this question.
I have the same, shut-mouth instinct. I suppose an exception might be if you were the stinker's supervisor and the stink affected the company's image, but then the issue might veer into harassment territory that I'm not qualified to navigate. ________________________________________________ Re: Philadelphia: What is WRONG with people these days? Why is is SO hard for Philadelphia's friends to be supportive of a friend's life decisions? I'm guessing they're probably insecure in the choices they've made, but I'm getting sick of reading about "friends" not letting friends choose their own paths. They need to get over themselves indeed. Carolyn Hax: Or just find better use for their time. I suspect much of the inclination meddle with/bitch about/judge others is rooted in a rich layer of boredom. ________________________________________________ Alexandria, VA: My father was diagnosed with a terminal illness. We thought we would have about a year. Turns out we had 6 weeks, and only 2 from when he was diagnosed. We never had the opportunity to talk about his terminal condition, and looking back, I'm not sure I would have wanted or needed to have that conversation. My father knew exactly how I felt about him, and knew I loved him because I told him often. Don't have a talk with your father because he's dying. Have a talk with him because he's your dad, you love him, and you're going to miss him like crazy when he's gone. Carolyn Hax: Well said, thanks. ________________________________________________ Bethesda, MD: A kid question: I have a biological child and an adopted one and it is obvious to me and my husband that my parents prefer the biological one (take him places, always ask about him, not her). I've told them it seems this way, they deny it. What to do? Carolyn Hax: Oh, ugh. Limit the girl's exposure to your parents, I guess, which means also limiting your son's time with them. You'll also need to be Very Careful not to react to the perceived unfairness in a way that your kids can read--e.g., when your parents ask about your son, respond, and then say, matter of factly, "and [daughter] [news here]." I'd also say to insist that your parents take both kids places, but that would risk exposing your girl to their bias. Every kid is going to figure out at some point that life is unfair, but I also think it's a normal and important parental impulse to postpone the inevitable. In this case, that might mean allowing your son to visit your parents, albeit less frequently, and using the occasion to do something special with your daughter.
Tough one though. I'd be interested in peanut reactions. ________________________________________________ Alexandria, VA: Hope you pick this one to answer...short version: me, girl, likes guy, we've been dating for a few months, and I want to kick things up a notch on the seriousness level, i.e. exclusivity. Some friends/relatives say (in general, not about my situation) that in relationships, the guy has to bring up the exclusivity issue, otherwise the woman comes off as desperate (I'm 33 if that matters, and he's 31). This discourages me; yet I've been playing it really cool myself, and feel like if I don't say SOMETHING I will burst. Do you think that men are scared off by women who broach the exclusivity issue first? I'm not used to being the aggressor, but I really like this one, and I'm afraid if I wait too long I'll lose my opportunity. Are there successful relationships out there where the woman did the pursuing, or am I doomed to WAIT for some guy to broach the subject? Carolyn Hax: I think waiting is doom, along with playing games, hiding true thoughts and intentions, behaving according to gender stereotypes, and choosing your actions based on what you think someone wants you to do.
Do what feels right, and see if the person still likes you when you do what feels right. How else will you be able to judge if this guy is the right one for you? ________________________________________________ Am I flawed?: Hi Carolyn and Lisa, I'm in my late 30s, have never been married, and am quite happy with my single life. I think the custom of throwing the bouquet at a wedding is dumb, and a few years ago I decided it was degrading when a DJ played "Takin' Care of Business" while the single girls assembled. So I now longer participate in this little tradition. Does this mean I am an old bitter shrew? p.s. to the folks who worry about taking risks and self-esteem. Go out and volunteer for a soup kitchen or participate in a charity walk. Helping other people is a great way to build confidence. Trust me, I'm old and I've been there. Carolyn Hax: When I was a young bitter shrew (early/mid 20s), I decided the custom was dumb at best, degrading at worst and better for my absence. So, you have my support.
I like the volunteering idea, too. ________________________________________________ Loserville, USA: What do you do when you are racked with guilt about something you did while on vacation and intoxicated?! I have cried daily since my return, and just feel like the regret will consume me whole. I absolutely hate myself. Carolyn Hax: You figure out why you did it and, if your reasons were innocent, you forgive yourself. If they weren't innocent, then you accept responsibility and work to make things right.
Either way, you also teach yourself to treat mistakes as two-act plays--mess and cleanup--instead of just a one-act mess. EVERYONE screws up. What matters is that you at least try to return the world to its pre-screwup form, if possible, and when it isn't, to find a way to make a good thing happen as a result of your mistake. E.g., apologize, pay for your damages, make a donation somewhere, volunteer somewhere, fix the flaw in you that led you to make the mistake, become a more empathetic person--whatever the situation allows.
And if none of these ideas cuts it, then consider getting some help. ________________________________________________ Re: Bethesda, Md.: My brother and I are biological siblings, and one set of my grandparents always tended to favor him because he was the "smart" one. My mom did the same non-confrontational things for most of it (inserted news about me whenever she talked about him), but then when they offered to take him places (like France!), she would put her foot down unless I got the invite too. They typically backed out on that. I knew growing up that they favored him, but since I knew Mom was batting for me, it never really mattered. I agree with Carolyn -- just be persistently quietly insistent that they know their granddaughter as well as their grandson, and love them both. Kids will figure out the rest. Carolyn Hax: Thanks--always helps to have a live example, though I'm sorry it was at your expense. For what it's worth, sounds like you're better for it, and your mom sounds pretty cool. ________________________________________________ Help?: Just found out that the ex-girlfriend of the guy I have been dating had a STD (curable, but an STD nonetheless). He refused to get tested so I don't know if he ever contracted it or if he is a carrier. I am hurt that he never told me since we were using birth control not condoms when we had sex. Even though its obvious he doesn't care about his own health, doesn't he have an obligation to tell me. I am getting tested today, but I want him to foot the bill since I don't have health care and he put me in this situation. Thoughts? Carolyn Hax: You can try, but whether he pays the bill or not, RUN from this jerk, please. The minimum standard for a mate should be concern for your well-being. yes, he had a huge obligation to tell you, and don't you dare question that.
Also, you might be able to minimize the bill by going through a no-cost, low-cost or sliding-scale clinic like Planned Parenthood. Make some calls before you go. ________________________________________________ You can lead a girl to a bouquet catching line, but you can't make her drink!: Hi Carolyn - Long time fan - keep up the good work!!! The stories about people who refuse to line up to catch the bridal bouquet bring back a fun memory. Years ago my boyfriend's mother strong-armed me into standing in the crowd waiting to catch her daughter's bridal bouquet. The daughter obviously tossed it in my direction. It almost hit me in the face, so I ducked and it ended up in the pool. Two bridesmaids jumped in after it. I'm getting married in a few months. Needless to say, I'll never subject my guests to this demeaning tradition.
Carolyn Hax: But then you lose the bridesmaids-diving-in-pool moment, and no one should deny her guests the opportunity to witness that. ________________________________________________ Charleston, W.Va.: Re: New York, N.Y. It seems to me that if he is looking to pay this woman a compliment he may be better served focusing on her contributions to the team as opposed to her physical appearance. There would be less confusion about his intentions and she would probably rather hear "good work" instead of "nice skirt" -- at least I know I would. washingtonpost.com: Don't dispute this at all, but when did we get to the point where everyone has to feel so threatened by being complimented or complimenting? He wasn't leering. I could use a "you shore look purty" now and again. -- Lisa. Carolyn Hax: Well, you shore look purty from here.
And I do dispute the suggestion. I want to hear "good work" when my work is good, and "nice pants" when my pants is good. Credit where credit is due. ________________________________________________ Bitter shrew: I'm 39 and I'm not old. Carolyn Hax: Right.
Actually, I was much older when I was 28. ________________________________________________ Philadelphia, Pa.: Is it risky/foolish/outdated/cowardly to assume that most guys still prefer to approach a girl first, rather than the other way or around? Or am I still overly conservative in thinking that it's still the role of a man to lead and initiate? Carolyn Hax: If that's the way you think, then that's the way you should be, since you'll be better off with a guy who shares the same outlook. (See ... somethingorother, above.) ________________________________________________ Carolyn Hax: Alexandria, Va. That's the somethingorother. Sorry. ________________________________________________ Re: Help?: I don't think it's fair that you are placing what seems like all of the blame on your ex. We need to take responsibility for our own actions and in this day and age we should be protecting ourselves to the fullest - which can mean birth control and condoms (which don't protect against all STDs). Since you chose not to have your partner wear a condom, you are at fault too. Carolyn Hax: Fine, but that's an innocent mistake vs. a malicious one, so my advice stands. ________________________________________________ For Bethesda: Hi Carolyn: I'm curious why you didn't suggest Bethesda sit down with her parents (or one of her parents) and talk about their bias. It's possible -- albeit unlikely -- that they don't realize what they're doing. It's also possible that it's simply a matter of age/stage. I have a niece and a nephew. The nephew is 7, the niece is 2. I far prefer hanging out with the 7-year-old than with the 2-year-old for all those Terrible Two reasons. I am quite certain that when my niece is older, I'll love hanging out with her just as much. Assuming the g-parents are aware they're doing this, I suppose it's unlikely they'll take kindly to being called on it, and equally unlikely that they'll change their behavior -- but shouldn't Bethesda at least give them the opportunity? All that said, I have the sinking feeling that your advice was right -- limit time spent with the g-parents. Ugh. -- a peanut Carolyn Hax: Bethesda already raised the issue with the parents: "I've told them it seems this way, they deny it." ________________________________________________ Ballston, Va.: Would you please give me some guidance regarding whom I should invite to my wedding? The number of people and cost aren't an issue, but rather what level of closeness should exist. I have many friends that I was close with a couple of years ago, but our contact with one another has dwindled, due mainly to different interests, to the point where we rarely see one another and only talk on the phone briefly every few months. I believe that they would certainly be happy to attend, and I would be happy to have them there, but it also seems odd or grasping to me to include people that I barely know anymore and don't anticipate becoming close with again. I would like to invite a few of my work friends, but I'm not sure if the others (perhaps ten)who are not invited would feel slighted or relieved. All in all, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I also don't care to invite acquaintances. Carolyn Hax: Make up your ideal guest list--ie, only the people you want, ruthlessly, no hard feelings considered--and if there are no egregious exclusions, go for it. Chances are, if it's small enough to be called "a really small wedding," no one will feel hurt to have been excluded.
For what it's worth, though, it's neither odd nor grasping to include people you talk to "every few months" if you do in fact want to include them. Weddings are milestones, and so no one bats an eye when a couple widens the net to include Aunt Whoever and Drifting Old Friend. ________________________________________________ Dallas: Have you lost those 15 lbs yet? Carolyn Hax: Nope. Running or swimming 5 x a week for 2.5 months and have lost ... 2 lbs! And 2 sizes. I am mystified. But thanks for asking.
Oops gotta go. Thanks everybody, and type to you next Friday. ________________________________________________ Bethesda, MD: When my friend threw her bouquet, -everyone- ducked. It landed on the floor and we stared at it in fear for almost a minute until her cousin decided to take one for the team and gingerly picked up the bouquet. She's gay, so she figured the government would protect her from any bouquet-transmitted wedding obligations. Carolyn Hax: Priceless. Thanks. ________________________________________________ Automatically Update Page | Get New Responses | Submit Question
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