| | Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, June 06, 2003; Noon ET Carolyn takes your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column. Appearing every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes. The transcript follows. Other mail can be directed to Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com. Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
| Carolyn Hax: Top 2 reasons I love my job: ________________________________________________ Crystal City, Va.: From today's column: "Differences heighten attraction, but they chip away slowly at love." What kind of Zen Buddist philosophical crap is that? Stop qualifying everything...like love...if they are having a good time, let them be. Carolyn Hax: ________________________________________________ Tysons Corner, Va.: From today's column: "Cruel Life Joke No. 12: Differences heighten attraction, but they chip away slowly at love." WOW. Profound and striking, even more so than usual. Good call. Carolyn Hax: ________________________________________________ Daddy's Girl: Carolyn, my dad is marrying a woman whose motives I distrust (money, maybe) and who has a different idea of family togetherness than our family traditionally has. (Her daughters stay at the Hyatt when they visit for a day at Christmas; we pile in together for days.) They've decided not to invite anyone to the wedding, even children, because "it is too stressful to have a lot of people" (25, if only children and grandchildren.) They are then having a large (100+) party a month later, which seems no different to me in terms of stress, but hey, it's their life. I expressed my disappointment in not being included to my Dad, who seems to understand but is unwilling to change his plans. Originally I felt I should try to talk my Dad out of marrying this woman, as in your column today, but now I see it is his business and all I can do is try to be there for him and not try to create more animosity. I have acknowledged to them that while I'm hurt not to be invited, I support them in their marriage. My question to you and the peanuts is, should I get them a wedding present even though they didn't invite my siblings and me to the wedding? This woman will end up with a lot of our departed mother's furniture and china (another story) and I just don't feel like giving her anything. But I don't want to cause more trouble. Thanks for any insight. Carolyn Hax: You're welcome, but I'm not sure you're going to like it. It's a seasonal bouquet of back offs and get over yourselves (with a lovely accent spray of grow up). If you have good cause to distrust her motives, that's one thing, but to be all worked up over their having a private wedding? That's wildly unfair. So they want to swap vows alone. So what? It is so not about you. And to carry hurt feelings into your opinion of your dad's new wife is 1. unfair to her 2. unfair to your dad, who obviously loves her and 3. unfair to you most of all, because you're giving yourself reasons to dislike her--and therefore poison those family gatherings you love so much--instead of finding reasons to like her. My advice? Find some reasons to like her. ________________________________________________ Bay Area, Calif.: As Nick's cartooning style has been the subject of much criticism in past chats, I just have to say -- Nick draws a really good duck in today's column. He might want to consider making it a regular. Carolyn Hax: Thanks! Doesn't the duck look like G.W. Bush? I thought it was uncanny.
Re the criticism, it hasn't been "much," has it? Just one about the big-jawed guy and the usual grumbles about his skinny chicks? In general, Nick fares pretty well with you guys. ________________________________________________ Wish this was fluff: First, I would just like to say that I enjoy reading your chat and columns each week. Please keep up the great work. About three months ago, my father was diagnosed with lung cancer. He started with radiation and chemo as soon as he could and has one more chemo appointment left. He was very positive and always in good spirits, but lately he's been acting, well, like a jerk. I hesitate to even think that because he's going through a lot (emotionally and physically), but he's in a bad mood so much of the time lately. He mostly takes it out on my mom, who has done SO much for him, because she's there (I live three hours away). She usually doesn't put up with anything, but she has been because of the situation. I'm afraid she'll explode one day. Plus, they haven't had any time apart, and she won't take a break because she'll feel guilty. I'm pretty positive that my dad wouldn't go to a support group, and I'm not sure about my mom. I also don't know what, if any, medications my dad is taking. I feel pretty helpless and don't know what to do. Carolyn Hax: Thank you.
Have you considered going to one of those groups yourself? You might meet people who can explain your dad's mood and also know what it's like to be in your mom's position, and so can suggest things that will really help them both.
Also, don't underestimate the value of just keeping in frequent touch with your mom. What your parents are going through is going to suck no matter what they do, so just being present and supportive is huge. ________________________________________________ Los Angeles, Calif.: Dear Carolyn, I like to think that I am basically a nice guy and I've started dating my best friend who I've known for three years. She was assaulted, raped and pretty much left for dead by a thug posing as a bf. I've never pressured her to date me although I've always let her know that I wanted her in my life. Three months ago she said she wanted to start dating but except for a kiss goodnight we're basically friends. I would like more action in the relationship although we have agreed to wait until after were married to have sex. She said to just act like I would with anyone else except that I tend to frighten her and I want her to feel safe with me more than anything. Maybe you or the peanuts would have some suggestions. Carolyn Hax: My two immediate thoughts are yay for you for being patient with her, and keep being patient with her. Three months is not a very long time, especially to someone who has been burned almost to death. I think you need to appreciate her asking you to treat her like any other woman, since that's the right idea and since that probably took some courage on her part--but then listen to her reactions, not her words. If she looks scared, slow down. Also, keep the conversation going. Let her know (words and deeds) that you aren't going to make her feel bad for saying how she feels. She needs to be able to say "I'm not ready for this" without fear of retribution. ________________________________________________ Arlington, Va.: Carolyn: What do you think of taking a brief break (two or three weeks) from a relationship to assess whether you want to spend your life with that person? Does the need to take a break to gain perspective mean that something is inherently wrong in the first place? Carolyn Hax: Nope. I think it means you need to gain perspective. ________________________________________________ Arlington, Va.: I have a simple but loaded question: How do you know when someone loves you? Perhaps the peanuts can weigh in. Thanks. Carolyn Hax: Hm. I'd say it's when your interests and feelings are as important to her as her own. (Low self-esteem cases excepted.) ________________________________________________ Put on a Happy Face?: Hi Carolyn -- I've hit a rough patch in my life, not happy with my job, or the direction my life has taken. I find myself very frustrated with myself much of the time. I am seeing a therapist to "vent" my feelings of having to be the best at everything, and please everyone and anything less is a "failure." I'm trying to tweak my thinking. My friends/family have asked me how it is going from time to time. I tend to tell them things are great, even when I am in a bad mood. Those few times when I have revealed my frustrations they become "worried" about me and then talk amongst themselves about "poor" me. I don't want pity, and I don't want people to think my life sucks, because it doesn't. I want to rely on a support system, but I don't want anyone to worry about me. I know I'll get through this, and it's just a transition period. But how can I be honest with the people I love that I am not very happy about many things in my life, without making them worry about me so much? Carolyn Hax: I'm going to be a real pain in the ass here (as opposed to my usual fake one). The frustrations you're discussing in therapy and the problem you have with your friends/family are one and the same. You hate too look vulnerable--I'll leave the reasons for that to you and your therapist--and so you need to appear successful, to the point where you even want to look successful at therapy.
I think just about everyone who isn't a drama hog can sympathize with your not wanting people's pity, but the fake happy face doesn't seem to be helping your cause. What you're looking for is a way to feel more comfortable in your skin, scars and all, right? So when people ask you how it's going, practice on them by saying what you feel like saying. Ideally, it'll fall somewhere between "never better!" and the contents of your entire last session, but it might take a while to calibrate your judgment and you might say more than you meant to say at first.
If your family cluck-clucks over your mental health, it will be annoying, but so what? They're just showing they care--and possibly overreacting in a way that fed your hangup about being be perfect in the first place. Whatever the source, it's your reaction to people's opinion of you that you're ultimately trying to fix, so look at this as an opportunity to deal with the problem head on. ________________________________________________ Somewhere, USA: How do you know when someone just "likes" you, not "loves" you? Carolyn Hax: When you're dispensable, I guess. And I'm not talking when-you-love-something-set-it-free dispensable, but when you can be set aside for something more important and that something isn't his or her child. ________________________________________________ Somewhere, USA: Old boyfriend is acting all snarky to me lately, and rumor has it because he's upset my new boyfriend is one of his friends. OBF broke up with me over a year ago and NBF and I just recently got together. Anything I should say to OBF besides "hey, what gives? what's your problem?" If it matters, OBF and I stayed friends after the break up, NBF and I were friends long before I even met OBF, and NBF had nothing to do with the break up. Carolyn Hax: I think "Hey, what gives?" is just right. But if he runs from the question, don't chase him down, just give him time to adjust. ________________________________________________ State of Annoyance: Hi Carolyn, How do I let a friend know I want her to back off a little? We were pretty close in high school, but now she just gets on my nerves. We live about six hours apart, but she still calls me several times a week. I don’t return her calls or e-mails anymore and am always "busy" whenever she suggests a visit, but she still doesn’t seem to get the picture. I don’t want to break off our friendship completely, but I need some space. She’s super sensitive, so tact is a necessity. Carolyn Hax: Sometimes when I read a question, I come across a line that gives me a mental image of throwing a yellow flag. (Peanuts who are accountants--does this mean I can write off Giants tickets?)
Your yellow-flag line is the last one. You say she's "super-sensitive" and requires tact, which I assume means you're afraid she'll suffer hurt feelings or end the friendship if you phrase something incorrectly. But how is your blatantly dodging her any different in the hurt-feelings or friendship-ending department?
I say this not to push you into confronting her; I'm not sure there is a "right" way to change the footing of a friendship beyond the way that you've already tried. Most people (those with healthy social receptors, at least) would have gotten the hint and adjusted to having a friendship at your, slower pace.
What I am saying is that coddling some people because they're "sensitive" is often the beginning of the end. You aren't honest with them, so they don't know where they stand, so they feel insecure and get a little needy, so you pull away. Best thing you could do, I bet, is to be more like yourself around her and trust her to handle it. If she can, you become better friends, if she can't, she goes away. Win-win? ________________________________________________ Wandering, IN: Hi Carolyn. I am a heterosexual male in my mid- to late 20s. I am in a wonderful, loving relationship with a girl I've been seeing since high school. My problem is that I have a HUGE crush on Gene Weingarten. Do you think you could set something up between us? Thanks in advance. Love the column. Carolyn Hax: Okay, Gene, here's your attention. Now go bother Levey. ________________________________________________ Daddy's Girl, again: Yes, I agree that I need to find reasons to like her and have been doing that, reaching out with cards, etc. But Dad's soon-to-be wife has made it clear that she really doesn't want much of Dad's kids in his or her life. And my kids have hurt feelings, too, because they don't see their grandfather much anymore. This is part of a pattern, and a different way of dealing with family than what I am used to. I seem to have no choice in the matter than to go along with how she wants them to live; Dad will only do what she wants to do even if we tell him we'd like to spend more time with him or talk to him more. The wedding is a reflection of how they want to live... alone. Wouldn't you have hurt feelings? I am trying to reach out -- that's the reason for the question about the present -- but I don't get much back. Carolyn Hax: Actually, no, I wouldn't have hurt feelings. I would be bummed--but that's a completely different thing. To be hurt means to take it personally, to believe that if you were a better daughter or if your kids were better kids, then your stepma-to-be would take more interest in you or--and I think this is what really gets you--your father would resist her more to spend time with you guys. You've said yourself that she just has a different notion of family, so that doesn't seem to be a slap toward any of you.
It may seem like your dad isn't coming through for you, but even that might have a different, less hurtful explanation. I don't know how long ago your mom died or under what circumstances, but if there's still some pain there, your dad might feel awkward or self-conscious. Or, he might just be a pushover in his relationships with women. Or, the way you're approaching him--upset at not being invited, with shoulder-chip--might have him on the run a bit.
So, my advice is going to be just more of the same but with a few extra specifics. Reaching out is good, but if you're all gnarled up and hurt and pissed, your dad is going to see through it. Try taking a deeep breath and making this really easy on him. Be patient, too. Worst case, you might have to get used to seeing him less, which is a bummer, but nothing more. ________________________________________________ First wedding poster: Carolyn, I agree with what you said except for one thing. The daughter said that they didn't want a wedding because of the stress. Fair enough. But then how do you turn around and say you're having a 100+ person party? It almost sounds like they're saying that they don't want a wedding, but they do want the gifts. Or maybe it's just me. Carolyn Hax: Hm. I didn't read it that way at all. I think a hundred-person party and a hundred-person wedding are two different beasts. Weddings are big emotional milestones, and I think people who then attach giant parties to them in the same day--as hosts, no less--find that they've overdrawn their emotional wells. So why do it?
You know, I never did answer the original question, re the gift:
Obviously you don't want to give one, so don't. A welcome-to-our-family note would be better anyway. Or, if you have the energy and want to give the happy-family thing one more try, see if you and your siblings can, as your gift, throw a combined-family brunch or dinner or something. Might be a nice way to "say" what you're all thinking. ________________________________________________ Ashburn, Va.: Love the chat, but the moving advertisements down the right side of the browser window are covering up some of the text of the chat -- this only started happening last week. I don't think it's my computer. Re-sized the window and it still happens. Anything you guys can do? Apologies if it IS my computer and I am a clueless dork. I also appreciate that if this is the only thing I have to complain about right now, I am pretty damn lucky. Congrats to Carolyn on the twins --my son is 9 months old, and I waited until age 38 to have him and he is the best change of heart (I was "NEVER" going to have kids!) I ever had! washingtonpost.com: Is your browser set to standard type size? E-mail me if this is a consistent problem. -- Lisa. Carolyn Hax: Thanks x 2, and congratulations. ________________________________________________ Denver, Colo.: I just got an e-mail from an old friend. We had a few drunken flings about five years ago and that all cumulated to him loving me and me not loving him and him threatening suicide. Now he wants to see if we can try to be the close friends that we once were. And he wants to have sex again. I am engaged. He knows this. He is severely depressed so I don't know how to approach this situation without risking another suicide threat. I would like to be platonic friends with him (we get along great) but I don't want anything else. Any thoughts? We are both in our mid-late twenties if that matters. He has tried therapy and medication several times. Nothing seems to have helped him so far. Carolyn Hax: Frankly, I'm not qualified to answer this question, but I think trying to revive the friendship is a really bad idea. If he's propositioning you, he obviously isn't sincere about trying to be friends, and if he's lobbing suicide threats, he's manipulating you into having a relationship with him--which is why I think you should run this all by a psychiatrist before you reply to his e-mail. I'm serious. You don't want to get sucked in over your head again. ________________________________________________ For The Fabulous Ms. Hax and the 'Nuts: Hi all, hoping to get some perspective. I need a vacation, desperately. I haven't taken one since the holidays, and then I spent the whole time visiting every person I knew in my hometown and jetting between parents' houses. I live far away from MANY of my friends, so as a result I see them once a year or so, and that's all I can manage. Every vacation I have taken has been to visit a friend, a relative, or go to an event. (wedding, holiday, graduation, etc)and I go to the same places again and again for vacation and usually am more frazzled when I get back. I want to be selfish. My friends are all asking 'when can you visit' which is wonderful, because they want to spend time. I tell them I don't have money (truth) and right now I am saving. I want to save up and use that money to fly to Jamaica -- alone. Part of me feels guilty that I tell my friends I can't afford it, and then jet off by myself to an expensive vacation. It's just I want to do something just for me. What do you think? Carolyn Hax: Save up your money and fly to Jamaica. The friends who make you feel guilty for that are friends you don't want. I know I say some version of this a lot, but I mean it. Real friends are the ones who get it, who want you to be happy. Friends who make you work really hard to please them--and who make you pay any time you ask them for anything or you take something for yourself--are a time/energy/money/self-worth suck.
Plus, you might be taking those "when can you visit" pleas a bit too literally; they could be in the "how are you?" tradition, i.e., more friendly-rhetorical than a demand for your itinerary. Instead of explaining your reasons for not coming, just say, "I'm booked, but why don't you come visit me?" ________________________________________________ Nowhereland: Any quick resources for someone dealing with a close friend's suicide? Carolyn Hax: oh I'm sorry. I haven't read them myself, but I've heard good things about Kay Redfield Jamison's books on suicide, Night Falls Fast, and bipolar disorder, An Unquiet Mind. Also, anyone who wants to find grief support can usually find a group by contacting a local hospice. ________________________________________________ Somewhere, USA: Hi Carolyn -- I was an overachiever as a child, and my family is a family of hardworking, overachieving, give 100 percent sort of people. I was never pressured by family, but I suppose I saw how hard everyone worked, and just followed suit. I had to be the best at everything at school, and was often one of the best at anything I did. It was never super hard, but I still worked hard. I have always put more pressure on myself than anyone. We're talking my parents used to tell me to go to a bar and stop studying when I was in college. Now that I'm out of school, I feel like I'm not going far enough for my age. I feel like everyone else is more talented, and doing better at everything. It's not even about THEM, it's about me not feeling I am achieving. I am not as driven as I was, but I still feel like I am a failure, like it's never ENOUGH. My parents are very proud of me, and keep telling me to cut myself a break, and I still feel this drive, like I am incomplete. I'm not where I want to be, and I honestly don't think anyone could ever get where I want to be. At the end of the day I want to sit down and not mentally flog myself for not being enough. What's the first step here? Carolyn Hax: I suppose you could go the shrink route, but I bet it would be a lot more fun, and enlightening, and effective if you just got the hell out of yourself for a while. Go away, try something new, give back, immerse yourself in a culture not your own. I mean really. There are 6 billion of us out here; you're not going to be better than all of us. The key is not to accept this, which is too much like resignation--it's to -embrace- it. You're running a race you can't win! Which means you can give yourself permission to drop out now and do whatever makes you happy! Yay! And if you don't know what that is yet, see Sentence 2. ________________________________________________ New York, N.Y.: Hi Carolyn, I think this one is right up your alley. I attended an informal high school reunion some months ago, and one of the people in the group was my old high school boyfriend. We dated for two years, were very much in love (or as much as is possible when you are that young), but broke up freshman year in college. We really did not keep in touch in the 15 or so years that have gone by, but it was nice to see him at this party. He came with an old buddy, because he happened to be in town on business. I went with my husband. Both of us (old bf and I) are married, have kids, and generally other happy lives now. Still, we exchanged e-mail addresses and said we'd keep in touch. Since then, he e-mailed me a family photo, and I sent him back one of mine. Occasionally, I get some jokes from him. (As do a bunch of other people on his email list.) However, I got a really strange phone call from his wife a few days ago, insisting that I stay away from her husband. Obviously, she has seen the e-mails and is very upset by them. I was very surprised by the suspicious and jealous tone of her phone call, and when she started screaming, I just hung up. Since then, I have gotten a few of hangup calls that I suspect are from her. But I decided to ignore her since she seemed so off balance. Now, I have another e-mail from him, with another joke attached (but no message from him except that the joke is funny) and I want to tell him to stop e-mailing me because it is making his wife crazy. But do I tell him, ignore him, or continue our innocent correspondence despite the crazy woman at home? Carolyn Hax: Ugh. Poor bastard. I think you have to stay out of it and simply ignore the group emails. If he attempts to engage you one-on-one, then I guess you just reply with, "I'm sorry, your wife called me and asked me to stay away." ________________________________________________ Boston, Mass.: My fiancee wants to get married in the Catholic church she attended while growing up. She no longer believes in Catholicism or any particular religion, but the church still has sentimental value. Less importantly to her, it would make her family really happy. I said sure, because I'm not religious and didn't have a preference. Since then, I've thought about it more, and it doesn't sit right with me. She will have to lie to the church about her beliefs, because one of us has to be Catholic. It strikes me as disrespectful of that religion and untrue to ourselves to do this. Catholicism plays a big part in Catholic weddings, and the ceremony actually will include a mass. I haven't talked to her about this because I'm not sure whether I'm over-reacting. Part of me thinks the place we get married doesn't matter, just that we get married. What do you think? Carolyn Hax: I think if it doesn't sit right with you, you should bring it up--though I would start with the "untrue to ourselves" part vs the "disrespecful of that religion." Not that you're wrong about the disrespect, you're dead-on--just that you don't want to put her on the defensive before you even get rolling. Because it's important to her and not to you, I might have said just to let it go (and because she might be more Catholic than she thinks; weddings have been known to trigger returns to faith), but it sounds as if both of you would be better for examining the decision a bit more closely.
And, if you guys can't handle a conversation like this ...
blahblahblah. I imagine you all know the rest of this sentence by heart. ________________________________________________ washingtonpost.com: Thanks for the messages about ad troubles, but please provide detail. "The ad covers the text and is annoying" doesn't leave me with much to work with. I'm trying to help! -- Lisa. ________________________________________________ Washington, D.C.: Carolyn In his chat today, Lloyd Grove swears he didn't out you in his column re: your pregnancies, but I got the distinct impression from your chats that he jumped the gun on your announcement. Inquiring minds want to know: what's the truth? washingtonpost.com: Lloyd Carolyn Hax: Lloyd swears the truth. Really! I've already tried once to kill that false impression, but to no avail, so here it is again: I wanted to be the one to announce it, in my chat, but I was freaky about miscarrying n stuff so I stalled and stalled and finally it kind of got out there on its own, since I wasn't hiding it, either. What I didn't want was for word to get out as a rumor, but when I figured out that's what was happening, I was already taking the next two Fridays off. So, The Post, via Lloyd, announced it for me. ________________________________________________ Re: Catholic Weddings: Only one person usually has to be Catholic and for "interfaith" marriages they don't do mass...just had one of these myself! Carolyn Hax: Okeydokey, but I must include my I Know Nothing disclaimer when I post this. ________________________________________________ Carolyn Hax: What possesses me to post questions with Catholic angles right as I'm going offline? Sorry Lisa.
Actually, better now than at the beginning, I guess.
So, wow, look at the time. Thanks everybody, and type to you next ... Thursday! I almost forgot. We're going a day early, assuming I don't forget again, same time, just for next week. Bye bye. ________________________________________________ washingtonpost.com: That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion. Keep up with the best Live Online has to offer and special breaking news discussions. Sign up for the Live Online e-mail newsletter. ________________________________________________ Automatically Update Page | Get New Responses | Submit Question
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