| | Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Thursday, June 12, 2003; Noon ET Carolyn takes your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column. Appearing every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that’s about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes. The transcript follows. Other mail can be directed to Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com. Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
| washingtonpost.com: Dang technology. We're re-booting. Be right with y'all. -- Lisa. ________________________________________________ Carolyn Hax: Well, that brought back memories of connection errors past. Sorry guys. I'll type extra-fast to make up for it.
Just kidding!
This is a nostalgia session in other ways, too--this is the last time Lisa will be with us as host. She's going off to greener pastures. Bitch.
Just kidding again! Truly. This is a loss.
________________________________________________ The South: (Online only please.) I really need advice from you and other readers. I'm a 17-year-old girl, I went through two hellish years of an eating disorder, turned into an emaciated case of depression, spent weeks in the hospital, went through lots of therapy, etc. Now, in the past year or so, I've adopted the habit of OVEReating (instead of my past starvation tendencies) and it has become a grueling cycle that WILL NOT STOP. I've been in therapy for a year. Every time I try to stop the bingeing, I end up crawling back to the apple-a-day (or less) thing. I feel like a pendulum swinging back and forth between the two extremes. Any words of wisdom, inspiration, or maybe a swift kick in the ass to help me? Thank you. Carolyn Hax: An ass-kicking wouldn't be fair, since you're fighting such a notoriously difficult battle that you should be applauded simply for fighting it. The cycle WILL STOP, you just have to stick with the therapy (with this therapist or another--you'll have to trust your judgment on the effectiveness of any one person or approach) and also stick with the idea that you can be healthy. You can. People get through this. ________________________________________________ Inappropriate Behavior?: Hi Carolyn, Alarmingly, I have recently heard about/been witness to pregnant women being touched (without invitation) by acquaintances/co-workers/strangers (!). I am so alarmed because I myself am pregnant -- though not yet noticeably -- and unfortunately share in common some of these same inappropriately touchy-feely co-workers. I've been considering what my own response might be, and I'm torn between recoiling in horror while exclaiming "Ohmigod, I don't know where that hand's been!" or "Is there a sign over my head that says 'pregnant woman petting zoo'? Well? Is there?!" Both seem a bit harsh for some people (like my boss) however. Did this ever happen to you while you were pregnant? If so, how did you handle it? If not, how would you have? Thanks. Carolyn Hax: I started a real answer, and then I backspaced. If the worst thing that befalls you is the occasional, or even frequent, uninvited belly-pat, you've won the life lottery. Wait till you read the statistics on birth defects. ________________________________________________ Carolyn Hax: If I sound mean and unsympathetic, it's only because I am. ________________________________________________ Washington, D.C.: Carolyn: Eighteen months ago I hung out with someone that I fell for hard. She did not feel the same way. She lives in another city and her birthday is coming up. I haven't spoken to her in seven months -- where there was some closure on my part. Should I send a card or leave a message saying Happy Birthday (and that's all) I don't want to leave an impression that I haven't moved on (which has been tough, but I am trying). The other part of me is saying, she was a big part of my life at one point, even if things were not meant to be, at least say something. Your input is greatly appreciated. Carolyn Hax: Hunch: The more time you think about this, the more she occupies your mind, the more you relive the past anguish, the less on you move. If true, I don't think the decision matters so much as the fact that you make it. Send the card, don't send the card, just check this item off your to-do/not-to-do list by ... 1 pm and move on to the next thing.
I'll be expecting a full report at 1:15.
Oh, and if sending the card means you'll continue to have her on your mind as you wait for her response ??? or not !!! then don't send the card. ________________________________________________ Sacramento, Calif.: So Lisa, was it Hax or Weingarten that drove you over the edge? It's OK, you can tell us. We won't tell anyone. Promise. washingtonpost.com: Are you kidding? They've had to put up with me. I've got nothing but love. -- Lisa. Carolyn Hax: Those are just the departure endorphins, blocking out all the pain.
FWIW, Lisa is my regular producer, but not Weingarten's. ________________________________________________ New York State of Mind: Hi there Carolyn -- My very best female friend is marrying my very best male friend (not a wedding question!) and she is very happy. She's finishing up her Master's and in general knows where she wants to live, what she wants to do and who she loves. And they met at 19 and have been dating for over six years. They're both absolutely delightful and we're close. I feel great about their relationship and in general feel great for them. I'm single, happily so... haven't figured out what I want to do for a living yet (in a job I am trying to move from once I save money and get into a grad program) and I can't make up my mind what city I want to be in. In general, I'm in transition. She is concerned about be because of all these things. I'm unsatisfied, but not unhappy. Life is good. She is genuinely worried about my not having everything set. It's not condescending or snotty or rude; she genuinely worries. And I think she (and her fiance, my friend) see me as broken for not having it all figured out yet. She says they both feel concerned about my state of mind. I've told her I am in transition. I mean, this is life! The journey! Right? I suddenly feel defensive about a life I love, but yet don't feel I should have to defend it. What's the best protocol here? Carolyn Hax: Tell her you're feeling defensive. Really. For one thing, it's better than defending yourself and knowing that both of them are thinking, "Wow, she's defensive, we must be right about her."
And, she needs to know, openly, that she's putting you in a bad spot. Explain that you want to be settled, of course, someday--but at your own pace, not hers. Her pace is good for her. Your pace is good for you. Ask her please to respect you enough to let you live at your pace instead of continually pressuring you to do or be something else.
If she continues to badger you with misplaced concern, can we please subject the "absolutely delightful" thing to some scrutiny? If you hadn't sung your friends' praises so earnestly, I'd be railing about the condescension of it all. ________________________________________________ huh?: Does that mean women should go through their pregnancies tolerating rudeness because, hey, it's OK if people are rude so long as my kids are healthy? There are starving people all over the world. Clearly, I have it pretty good in life. I would still be very taken-aback if my coworkers were to pet my (non-pregnant) belly, and I really don't see why being pregnant makes this OK. Carolyn Hax: It doesn't make it okay. In fact, it sux. It is presumptuous, invasive, a little creepy. But it is also a well-meaning presumptuous, invasive, and creepy, and when it was my turn to be on the receiving end (like, twice), I was surprised at how little I cared. Did I like enjoy it? Not a bit. But I'm sure the look on my face took care of that. Yes, there is a 100 percent chance I could have replied to that question in a more sensitive way, but message remains the same--priorities, baby. ________________________________________________ Washington, D.C.: How do you know when it's time to leave a relationship? Carolyn Hax: When you're lonelier with the person than you would be alone.
Which is why it's so screamingly important to learn to be happy alone before you tie yourself to someone. You need to have that reference point to be able to judge a relationship soundly.
If the issue is whether a broken relationship can be fixed or not, look at the traits, in both of you, that are making things difficult. Now be honest about which of those will ever change (hint: if they've been the same all along, or at least since the initial buzz wore off, then assume they'll never change). Example: She's not affectionate, never has been, but you think--hey, how hard could it be for her to give the occasional hug, since that's all I really need? ANK, bad thinking. Consider it impossible--for *her*. Assume she will never be more affectionate than she is now, and then decide if you can be happy with her as she is. ________________________________________________ Re: Preggers: Yeah, you were pretty snippy with the tummy lady. Does somebody need a belly rub? Carolyn Hax: Nope, thanks. I'm actually in a great mood. Truth be told, that person had posted the belly question over and over, week after week, and the hysteria over something inconsequential--when something hugely consequential is going on inside her--finally p'd me off.
I'm not trying to win anyone over to my side; I know I was hostile. But there was a bit more to the story. ________________________________________________ Don't you dare talk about priorities: when you define yourself on the matter of your shoes and omit that you are a divorced and remarried woman who has twins. If people are coming to get advice from you, you should at least be honest about who you are. Carolyn Hax: Oh brother. Nice to know those successive gut-airings were for naught.
When you fail to see something, that doesn't mean I'm hiding it. ________________________________________________ Seattle, Wash.: Hi Carolyn, I have been in a relationship for over a year now, and lately things have not been going well. We can't seem to stop fighting, and now it has resulted in both of us saying things just to hurt the other. Is it possible to fix, or should we just give up and move on? Carolyn Hax: No, I think you should stop saying things to hurt the other person. You're completely in control of that. Drop your defenses, say what you really mean and feel, hear how s/he responds to that, and then decide whether it's worth fixing or not. ________________________________________________ For the girl with the eating disorder(s): Maybe she should consult a nutritionist to help her set up a healthy eating schedule. Following a set plan might be helpful to avoid the bingeing/starving. Carolyn Hax: Good call, thanks. ________________________________________________ Alexandria, Va.: Carolyn, are you back to twice a week, or is today in place of Friday? Carolyn Hax: This is in place of Friday's, just this week. ________________________________________________ Washington, D.C.: Hey Lisa -- best of luck to you! -- A fan. (Jealous fan, too, because I want to move to greener pastures!) Oh, the chats seem to be broken today. All of them. If I click Get New Responses, nothing happens. I have to close my browser and reopen it, then I can see the new responses. Weird. washingtonpost.com: Thank you, and thanks for the heads-up. We're working on some technology things that in the long run will be great, but that are causing some short-term pain. Appreciate your patience. I'll pass along. -- Lisa. Carolyn Hax: Done.
And Lis, let me know if it breaks completely so I can take the rest of the afternoon off. Heh heh. ________________________________________________ For the 17-year-old: Ask your therapist to recommend a support group. These often help because you work through your eating disorders with others who are facing the same problems. Makes you feel not quite so alone in the battle. Hang in there and keep fighting. Carolyn Hax: Another good one. Thank you. ________________________________________________ Fairfax, Va.: Wow, what's with all the hostility? Relax people and enjoy the last couple hours of sun before it starts to rain again. Also, Carolyn, why do women flirt constantly with me but never with any sincerity? Carolyn Hax: Eh, I started it ... but then, it would be nice if it stopped.
The hostility, not the rain. I'm not that evil.
Anyway, your Q. Flirting isn't supposed to be sincere, is it? I dunno. Maybe you set a flirty tone and they just play along--or you're attractive and they don't believe they sincerely have a chance. Some people just make other people goofy. ________________________________________________ Somewhere, USA: Please offer advice: Okay, so BF and I are doing great. No glaring problems. Only have one reservation: All his friends (who are all great by the way) cheat on their significant others. My gut tells me to forge ahead and give this guy a fighting chance; after all he did truthfully answer my dumb question of "do all your friends cheat?" My mind tells me "birds of a feather flock together." Am I being overly suspicious? What are your thoughts? Carolyn Hax: I think you have to take this guy as he is, and that means having your honesty sensors up. I'd say his cheated friends mean you have to have your sensors more finely tuned, but that actually implies falsely that you can be a little less vigilant with people who don't have cheating friends. We all need to pay attention to the subtleties of anyone we're with, and that includes attitude toward cheating and cheating friends (does he condemn them at all?); respect for society and the law (e.g., does he go 60 mph through residential neighborhoods?); sensitivity to others, especially when he feels he has the upper hand (e.g., how does he treat waiters?); kindness when nobody's looking. Either the data pile says he's a good person, or it says he isn't. ________________________________________________ 15th and L. : I think the remainder of this chat should focus on Lisa, and her reasons for ending this long-term relationship. You suggested the reason was "greener pastures," as though this was cheatin'-dory. WELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT MARRIAGES SHOULD BREAK UP EVERY TIME SOME "GREENER" CUTIE FLOUNCES BY? I think this is a serious issue about loyalty, feminism, greed, ambition, love, familiarity, comfort levels, and passion. Lisa, why are you doing this to us? Thank you for your attention to this matter. Weingarten. Oh, and that wasn't me last week, confessing to a crush on me. washingtonpost.com: Gene, I just couldn't stand being so close and not being able to have you. And wait a minute, didn't you say I had no cojones the other day? -- Lisa. Carolyn Hax: Geez, guys, get a room.
And to answer your question, Gene--if you're being paid to stay married, then yes.
________________________________________________ New England: Carolyn, I feel forced to boycott a good friend's wedding in a couple weeks. She's planned a tacky "Hawaiian-style" deal; her "gown" is a floral halter mini, and the "DJ" is an underground punk rock band, and the "reception" is an outdoor seafood buffet at a rock jetty. This is SOOOOO gross. How tasteless can someone be? I really don't want to be a part of the debauchery of what is supposed to be an elegant, classy, romantic day. How do I decline? It's too late to talk sense into her! washingtonpost.com: Thanks for the fake question. Dear God, I hope it's fake. -- Lisa. Carolyn Hax: Me too, because it'll probably still be raining, and that always kills a good luau. ________________________________________________ Somewhere, USA: Shortest possible version of this issue: Parents divorced when I was 3-ish and my younger sister was less than a year old. Father did not contest divorce or seek custody. Mom remarried; step-dad adopted us; we moved far away; things have been peachy ever since. My sister and I both consider step-dad to be "dad," so no issues there. Very recently I received an e-mail from my biological father (I have a unique last name, so it wasn't too hard to find me). He appears to have sent an e-mail to the half dozen or so people that have my same first name and middle initial. He says he's looking for me and my sister (gave both of our middle names), whom he hasn't seen in 20 years (it's actually been 25, but that's okay). He left his name, hometown and phone number. I’ve since responded letting him know he found me and that my sister and I are both well. He replied back saying that my response means so much to him, etc., and that the decision to proceed with communication is mine and he’s happy with any outcome from our correspondence. On the surface, I don’t think I really care about having a relationship with the man, but I wonder if I’ll regret letting an opportunity (such as it is) slip by. I went through some issues early on in adulthood about being my own man and such, but I'm over them now and think I'm relatively well adjusted, if I do say so myself. I didn’t think this thing would elicit such a visceral response on my part so many years on, and I’m finding it hard to craft a response telling him about me without slipping into deeper and more raw emotions. I’m getting caught up mixing a just the facts approach with sentimental bits that describe more of who I really am. It’s feeling a little cathartic getting this stuff written down, but I’m also feeling a little vulnerable hanging myself out there. I realize that this is, unfortunately, a relatively common circumstance these days but do you by chance have any suggestions on finding a happy middle ground that might help me feel less exposed while still getting some of my story out? Carolyn Hax: It seems to me you've already found a great way to deal with it. By taking several passes at it as you try to write it all down, you've given yourself a chance to figure out what you do and don't want to say. All I'd add is that when you get to the final version, sit on it for a day or two before you send it. That way you can re-read it fresh and see if you still feel the same way about it.
Remember, there's nothing wrong with being or making yourself vulnerable. All it says is that you care, and that's a good thing, right? When it starts to get to you, though, keep in mind that your b. father might actually feel more vulnerable. He's the one who reached out, probably with full expectations of being swatted down by you both. You are in a more solid position than you think. ________________________________________________ Fairfax, Va.: Carolyn, I am completely stressed out with my job to the point my personal life is highly affected. Is there a way you or any of the chatters have learned to compartmentalize stress? Carolyn Hax: I take it out on readers.
Yukyukyuk.
Most helpful thing for me when I'm stressed is to take the long view. Whatever the stressful thing is, it will pass. Even life and death things pass. Think about all the things that have upset you in the past that no longer have that power over you. Like, a huge test, getting dumped, having so many people asking you for things that you can't possibly make them all happy. Remember, it all goes away, even when it ends badly.
Another thing I do is plod along. You can only do so much at once and for so many hours. Write down what you HAVE to do, prioritize the list, then get to it--and, if you need a little reward, do an easy item or two till you feel better. And, know when to quit. You'll get more done in 8 rested hours than in 12 hours beat.
These aren't ways to compartmentalize stress, they're ways to reduce it. I don't think boxing stuff up ever works. If you're bringing home bad moods, deal with the mood part, not the bringing-home part. ________________________________________________ Washington, D.C.: Long time reader, first time asker. In the early days of dating BF, I shared way too much information with my girlfriends. Well, five years later, we're married. How do I politely/maturely tell my oldest friend in the world to stop bringing those things up without making it seem like a big deal? It bothers me periodically that I should have kept my mouth shut to begin with but who knew? Sorry if this is a repeat topic. I love your column and think your advice is usually right on (even the hostile ones). If your advice is "lighten up frances", I will do so graciously. Signed, Blabbermouth Carolyn Hax: Thanks. I think it's more, "Wait it out, Frances." When they bring stuff up, just say, "you know, that was a long time ago." Or just let the topic die a natural conversational death. They'll get the hint eventually. ________________________________________________ I'm serious.: I want to wear a black wedding dress, and I don't care if the bridesmaids match each other or even themselves. Exactly how much flak am I in for? Carolyn Hax: Flak volume is inversely proportional to the coolness of your friends and family, and you know them better than I, since I don't even know who they are. ________________________________________________ Washington, D.C.: Carolyn, Last week I terminated my pregnancy for medical reasons - serious birth defects that made survivability an issue. Needless to say, the whole thing was agonizing, but my husband and I are slowly working our way through it. My question is what to tell people? I am confident that we made the right decision, but it is such a controversial one that I don't want to alienate people who disagree with us, but saying that we "lost" the baby doesn't sound honest. Any suggestions? Carolyn Hax: Oh, brutal. I'm sorry.
I was sitting here trying to think of just the right phrasing when it occurred to me that it's just wrong for other people's issues to add to your agony here. People use "loss" to describe all forms of death. If you were to do the same, I certainly wouldn't judge you for it. ________________________________________________ Alexandria, Va.: If you had to choose between a good, safe, stable relationship in which there was no passion and sex was a bit of a chore versus a passionate, deeply connected but untested relationship -- which would you choose? Since passion and romance are generally fleeting is it silly to go that route or is it unfair to stay in an easy and comfortable relationship with someone you're not deeply in love with? Carolyn Hax: Q for you: Why is it either-or? The safe relationship is over, the passionate might not work out ... and then you set out on your own and see what else life has to offer. ________________________________________________ Pomona College: Carolyn, please help me with a problem I have at work. I am a receptionist at a company with a very nice facility and we often rent rooms out to other area businesses for conferences, workshops, etc. Thus there are a great deal of people that pass through our doors (and right by my desk) on a daily basis. My problem is I am SO SICK of getting hit on by random men. I'm serious. They'll lean all over my desk, flirt with me, ask me when I'm "getting out of here," invite me for a drink -- and most of these people are completely shameless, making it that much harder for me to politely decline. I have a boyfriend, but that's not the point. Am I being a baby if I feel almost violated by this? Why should I have to dodge men all day when I'm at work? Is there anything I can say to my boss (who treats me wonderfully and whom I expect would understand)? And if not, is there anything I can do, short of putting up a "Please Do Not Try To Pick Up Receptionist" sign? Thanks, C, love ya! Carolyn Hax: I don't think you're being a baby at all, but I suspect you might be more polite than you need to be. Have you tried saying no thank-you, putting on your best go-away face and getting back to work? Even if it's "work" you keep on hand just to repel people. ________________________________________________ Re: Terminated Pregnancy: There are support groups in the Baltimore/D.C. area for people in your position. They are operated in secrecy so that they aren't disrupted by fanatics. Your obstetrician should be able to put you in touch with one. Carolyn Hax: Interesting (and a little discouraging, for a few reasons). Thank you. ________________________________________________ San Diego, Calif.: Is it possible to be married and love your spouse, but also love someone else at the same time? If not (and knowing your history of responses, I think not), how do you banish someone from your heart? Carolyn Hax: Actually, I think the heart is a pretty big and complicated place. I just think that when you're married and you love your spouse, that's the chamber you need to live in. Simple answer to a hard question. If you didn't still love him or her, though, the answer gets harder. ________________________________________________ To Alexandria, Va.: I'd like to add to Carolyn's answer that it sounds like you are in one relationship and contemplating another. I've been there, and the decision you have to make FIRST is whether or not you want to be with the person you are with. If the answer is no, you need to SEPARATELY evaluate a possible relationship with the other person. There is more than two choices here -- you can also be alone to see how that works for you. or with another party all together down the road. Carolyn Hax: Well put. Thanks for clearing me up. ________________________________________________ 5 foot 10, size 12: I have been with my boyfriend about three years, and we are totally happy together. Of course, there has to be an except or I wouldn't be writing. He says he's not 100 percent physically attracted to me. He is very in to working out, and wishes I cared more about my body. I agreed to try to lose some weight, and now he watches everything I eat. My friends say I am very pretty and don't need to lose weight. They keep telling me I shouldn't lose weight just to please him, but I want to lose weight for myself too (although I probably wouldn't have tried until he asked). I think he will finally ask me to marry him when I get to the goal he set for me. I just hate myself and my body and feel I will be happier when I lose more weight. My question is, how do I tell my friends to support us in my weight loss instead of just telling me I look great, don't need to lose weight, I shouldn't cave to him, and he should love me the way I am? He does love me; he just isn't physically attracted to me. Carolyn Hax: Wow wish I'd gotten to this one sooner.
1. Not this guy, please. Maybe you want to lose weight, maybe you need to (though a tall 12 sounds just dishy), but if his love is contingent on your body shape, you'll be looking over your shoulder and flinching at dessert menus for the rest of your life. Spare yourself the anguish now, while you can.
2. He sounds like he's being a real jerk about it, watching what you eat, and the jerk thing will definitely get old. Maybe he loves you, but he has no clue how to treat you.
3. If you want to feel better about yourself, find a form of exercise you enjoy, for YOU, and do it.
________________________________________________ Carolyn Hax: Okay I'm outta here, even though I'm sure I missed something on that last one. Anyway, thanks to all, especially the glamorous Lisa, and type to you next Friday.
Alone.
Abandoned.
Unloved. ________________________________________________ washingtonpost.com: That wraps up today's show. Thanks to everyone who joined the discussion.
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