| | Tell Me About It
Hosted by Carolyn Hax
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, June 20, 2003; Noon ET Carolyn takes your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column. Appearing every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ฎ offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 30-something repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and thats about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes. The transcript follows. Other mail can be directed to Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com. Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
| Somewhere in Northern Virginia: Hi Carolyn! I'm an avid reader of your column, but I've always been afraid to submit a question--until now--and only because I'm at such a total loss. Over the past six months, I've been feeling completely and utterly disgusted about my life. Essentially, I have always been very driven and ambitious, usually just to appear "together" and perfect. I'm almost 24. I've held a lot of glamour jobs, but I've yet to find something I'm truly passionate about. I keep berating myself for not having achieved enough. For instance, I promised myself I'd write my first novel by 21. Haven't done it. I think about this constantly and beat myself up over it. I have a job at a well-respected media outlet, which people always think is awesome, but I feel stuck in a rut and I'm not making the most of the experience. I've lost all motivation, and I feel totally confused. My friends are off applying to grad schools and getting promotions, and I feel stagnant. Moreover, lately I have been taking this out on my boyfriend: I've been trying to run his life (researching grad school options for him, etc.) instead of focusing on mine, which I feel is a total mess. I was always proud of myself up until recently, and I have no clue how to emerge from this. Sorry for the long post, but I do hope you can get to it today online. Thanks so much. Carolyn Hax: Afraid I'll bite you? Just don't be completely self-absorbed, and I won't.
Actually, you're cutting the self-absorbed thing a little close with your quest for the -est (smartest, brightest, richest, successfulest), but we'll call it appearance absorption and give it a pass, since you're only hurting yourself. In fact, I think your disgust should be redirected toward that--your need to flog yourself for absolutely no reason. Repeat, absolutely no reason.
You are not even 24. Some people don't find their passions till they're 60. Some people never find them, and eke out pretty decent lives for themselves. They work hard, at whatever, as long as it's toward the greater good, and they pay their taxes, and they're nice to the people who love them, and they take pleasure in whatever small things they take pleasure in.
So my advice is to relax, work hard at whatever you work at, and love the people who love you, and seek out some pleasure in life.
And if you can't put yourself into that mold because you think you're too good for it, then I will bite you.
________________________________________________ Roommate Issue: I live in a fairly close-knit community where many friends work at the same university and one person's business can quickly become the news. I have managed to fly under the radar (I lived with folks who weren't part of the group scene and didn't really date. I was too boring or covert to gossip about). Now I live with three other people. One of the roommates is quite possibly the nosiest person I have ever met. She goes through trash, she listens to messages, she does it all with a veil of concern. "Did you get the message?" or "I saw the aspirin in the trash, are you OK?" When I go out on a date she tells everyone, and then I have to deal with questions from folks. I have never had my life on public display, and I am a very private person. I don't want to be nasty, she's always cheerful and chirpy about whatever. And she is always calling folks and talking about my life. It's gotten to the point that I feel like I can't breathe, forget about ever having a private love life. I've started sneaking around my house like it is bugged, spending a lot of time in my room, and just leaving the house without explanation. I even question dating at this point. My other roommates say it really shows that I am irritated with this girl, but how can I handle it smoothly? I don't want to blow up at her, but is that necessary? Thanks in advance. Carolyn Hax: Going underground is step 2. Blowing up is step 3 or maybe even 4.
Step one was saying nicely to the roommate that you feel weird living in such a fishbowl already and would appreciate it if she'd give you a little more space.
Granted, a garbage-fisher is probably too weird to respond to a fair request like that, but if you're not planning to move, you really do have to try. ________________________________________________ Any Town, USA: Carolyn, do you think it's possible to form a life time/long term relationship with someone who has been married three times? Carolyn Hax: Anything is possible, especially when someone declares something impossible. But if you're drawing up life plans, it's more useful just to use what you already know. ________________________________________________ Anywhere USA: Hi Carolyn, How does one go about peaceably limiting time with family? I come from a large family. A loyal family. But they are also toxic enablers (of VERY bad things), gossips, backbiters and I find that after a very short time in their company I feel very depressed and worn out. I just don't enjoy time around them. No one's happy. There's always some argument or nasty piece of gossip or complaint or something. But when I try to limit my time with them, I get yelled at for not being "supportive of family" and much worse things. (if I don't show up for several hours EVERY WEEKEND, I'm in trouble) It's truly affecting my emotional health and I don't know how to fix it. (I live less than five minutes from parents, two siblings, and aunts and uncles, in my own apartment.) Telling them just what I told you would get me excommunicated, and I don't want that. Any ideas for me? Carolyn Hax: Yep. Get yelled at. Let them yell and yell until they get used to your new visiting schedule, which will be whatever you think you can tolerate. Once a week, once a month, once a quarter?
You say you want to do it peaceably, and that's a fine goal, but the goal is the only part of it that's entirely in your control. They own half the outcome, and you have to be ready for them to make it difficult (warable?).
The trick is not to allow it to become a debate. Get your refusal language ready ("I actually won't be coming this weekend") and wait for the flak ("$$%^&*") and come back with the discussion-ender ("I'm sorry you feel that way, but it doesn't change my plans, so I'll see you [another day]"). The trick to the trick: Hold your ground and don't lose your [bleep]. Good luck.
________________________________________________ Maryland: I'm hoping you can help me refocus my perspective. For the past few months, I've been in a bad mood, trying to look for another job, frustrated with the one I'm at, etc. I realized a couple weeks ago that I was starting to get jealous of other people, including my friends -- sort of a self-pity party where I think about how easy life is for some people (my friends), and how hard life is for others (me). Now, I know this is ridiculous, I like and appreciate my friends a lot -- I don't want to be jealous of them! But at the same time, I find it hard to fight off the feelings of jealousy because I'm frustrated with some things in my own life. So I'll beat myself up for being jealous of my friends, which of course brings me down more. Any help for how to give myself a kick in the butt to stop stupid comparisons and jealousy? Thanks. Carolyn Hax: I find it useful to go so far as to imagine myself in the other person's life. I think once you consider the whole thing--doing their jobs, wearing their clothes, having their family--you'll realize you prefer to be you. Job hunt and all. ________________________________________________ Washington, D.C.: Hey, Lisa, Is the server slow, did Carolyn forget, or is she just answering a really hard question? I'm Just Wondering (tm), and trying not to be snarky. washingtonpost.com: Yes, the server is in fact slow. We're working on fixing that right now. In the meantime, if you hit your shift key while reloading the page it will bring up the latest version. So sorry! -- Liz Carolyn Hax: So it's not me? Whoa. Wasn't prepared for that. ________________________________________________ New Haven, Conn.: Hi Carolyn (and welcome, new producer!) -- I am in a heartbreaking, wrenching situation. I am a 26-year-old male, and my best friend (also male, same age) has been dating my cousin for three years. Up until this point it has been everybody's impression that they are deeply in love and heading toward marriage. About a year ago, my cousin was diagnosed with breast cancer. She has been doing alright emotionally despite the fact that she has been struck at such a young age. My best friend has been supportive, earnest, and very caring, and I know it's meant so much to her. But we found out last week that she will have to have a double mastectomy. She took the news better than I expected. My friend, however, dropped a bombshell on me this morning. He is planning to break up with her before the operation. He said flat-out that he had no intention of spending the rest of his life with someone with no t---s (HIS words). I was stunned, dumbfounded, and told him exactly where to go. I don't plan to continue my friendship with him and he knows that now. But my cousin's operation isn't for another month and a half, and it's clear that he's going to break the news to her at his convenience. Please help me. Do I prepare her for this? If so, how? And what are the best things I can do to be there for her when he does? Her heart is going to be completely broken. Thank you so much. Carolyn Hax: Well, that high didn't last long. Wow. Thank you on behalf of humanity for ridding yourself of this friend.
I think you have one more job before you go, though--you need to do a you-tell-her-NOW-or-else-I-will number on him. You can't stop him from being a greasy stain of a person, but you can stop him from jerking your cousin around.
As far as what you can do for her when she does get the news: not much. Be warm, and listen. ________________________________________________ Washington, D.C.: Carolyn - I submitted this before, but got no answer. It is a real question, not a joke one, so I hope it gets picked. I'm a male and I've found that in the several offices I've worked in that most women feel no compunction about giving unsolicited opinions about their male coworkers dress, hairstyles, body (weight), etc. Yet, if a male were to similarly opine, the reaction is often one of distress, taking offense, etc. I'd like to get your and your readers' take on this. Am I making too much of a small and perhaps isolated matter or is there something I'm missing. Good column and chats and many thanks for taking this on. Carolyn Hax: Thank you. Your complaint isn't something I've ever seen, though I don't doubt it happens. I think it merits the same response that any other egregious double standard would: healthy suspicion of the person who applies it. ________________________________________________ Soggy Baltimore, Md.: I don't have a question, just a comment. I loved Nick's Mr. Potato Head cartoon in today's column! It made me laugh despite all this depressing rain.
Carolyn Hax: Thanks on N's behalf. We're here to serve. ________________________________________________ Who's the rookie?: Who is this Liz of which you speak? washingtonpost.com: See last week's transcript for Lisa's goodbye. I'm Liz -- you might know me as Gene Weingarten's producer. Thank god both these shows are on different days! -- Liz Carolyn Hax: Are you calling us difficult? ________________________________________________ Married Chatter/Single Chatter: Carolyn, I'm hoping you can help me. I'm a shy guy in his early 30s that is totally at ease talking to married women or women that I know are dating someone/spoken for. However, when I'm around a single woman that I'm interested in, I can't seem to find that same conversational comfort zone. Any ideas on how I might get over this hurdle? Carolyn Hax: Find a way to convince yourself that you have zero chance with this compelling single person, since that's your mindset with the married people, right? Shouldn't be too hard. Statistically, I imagine just about everybody has a close-to-zero chance with just about everybody else. If you think about it. Especially compelling everyone elses.
Anyway, the closer you can get to not caring whether you fail/look like an idiot, the more relaxed and successful you'll be. ________________________________________________ washingtonpost.com: Not difficult, no... but a girl can only take so much sublime joy in one day. Carolyn Hax: I see a bright future for this Liz person. ________________________________________________ Stupid Geography Question: Hi there -- I grew up in a big city, and as soon as I finished high school, went away to college, and then away for work. I have found there are many work opportunities in the city I grew up in, but somehow feel like it is a step back to live in the same place I went to high school. Like I haven't BEEN anywhere. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I can't help but feel that going home would be failing. What do you think? Carolyn Hax: I think it's fine!
--Person Who Moved Home at 35 ________________________________________________ Anytown, Pa.: Hi Carolyn,
I recently moved into a new apartment and my neighbor welcomed me with a greeting card address to me taped to my door. Nice gesture. I finally met him in person a few nights ago and he tells me that he went through my garbage to find out my name (for the card) and looked in my car windows to try to figure out where I worked (company parking tag) and what music I liked. We only spoke for 10 minutes but in that time he gave me his abbreviated life story that included some really sketchy incidents involving him, drugs, and getting kicked off the police force. He then offered to give me patio furniture in exchange for going out on a date with him. I declined. He said I didn't have to worry because he was a nice guy and that he wasn't going to attack me or anything. Ummm yikes? Here's my question: How do you tell the difference between a neighbor with poor social skills and a would-be stalker? Am I over-reacting if I feel a bit freaked out by him? Carolyn Hax: Ew. No. Keep your distance, trust your instincts and take your garbage somewhere else. And call the police (domestic unit, methinks) and tell them you have a neighbor who has made you uncomfortable and might once have been a cop. ________________________________________________ Washington, D.C.: I am feeling jealous because my boyfriend's ex from years past is visiting and I won't be there in person. He will be out with a big group of friends that know each other. I have a fun night planned anyway, but please help me get my mind of focusing on the thought of him cheating! Carolyn Hax: How's this: If this is all it takes for him to cheat, then hope he does before you two get any further along. ________________________________________________ Concerned and confused: I'm afraid my mom has an eating disorder. She exhibits all the signs -- rapid weight loss, refusal to eat, inability to see how thin she is. The problem I'm having is finding resources to help me figure out what to do. There's plenty of info online about eating disorders in teenagers; there's almost nothing about the problem in older women (my mom is in her 60s). Any suggestions? Carolyn Hax: Off the top of my head ... maybe call the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (go to www.nami.org for numbers), or the Renfrew Center in Philly, or even the AARP. These are shots in the dark, but someone at one of these has to know something. I think.
________________________________________________ Neighbor: I normally don't take issue with your advice but about the neighbor you are dead wrong. I'm an attorney in domestic violence and if she called the police now they'd laugh at her. This man broke no laws-and yes, what he did was creepy. First, she needs to tell him she wants NO contact with him. Then document every contact, then call the police or get a restraining/peace order. Doing something now would sadly make the police think she is a little oversensitive. Police don't want to help women, said fact, but true. She needs proof! Carolyn Hax: I appreciate your response, but my impression is that restraining orders get extremely mixed reviews. I'd still feel better of she worked with the police. She isn't saying "arrest this guy," she's asking "how best do I deal with this guy?" I've had great luck talking to cops about this. Anyone who gets laughed at should shame them, frankly, and then call a domestic abuse hotline, explain that s/he needs help with a stranger who doesn't respect boundaries, and ask to be steered to other local resources that deal with stalking & prevention. ________________________________________________ New York, N.Y.: For Anytown, Pa.: This sounds like a textbook case from "The Gift of Fear." I know you flak that book often, Carolyn, but maybe you could mention it again for her. Carolyn Hax: Thus flacked. Thanks. ________________________________________________ Arlington, Va.: Re: mom with eating disorder. She could actually have a more serious problem curbing her appetite -- like cancer. The first step should be to get her to a doctor. Carolyn Hax: Good point, thanks. ________________________________________________ Treatise on Jealousy: I never understood jealousy. How can you trust a significant other with your time and emotions, and not trust that he/she won't cheat on you? Seems like a whole lot of wasted energy. And from personal experience, I believe people with tendencies towards jealousy have some serious issues going on under the surface that should be addressed before a healthy relationship can take place. Carolyn Hax: Good treatise. ________________________________________________ Rainy City: Hey Carolyn, I just asked a friend of mine out a couple of hours ago. I think he may think that I asked him out as a friend, but I am interested in him. He said yes, but how do I broach the subject that I am interested in him. This is from someone who is very shy to admit her feelings. TGIF! Carolyn Hax: Indeed. Oh, and speaking of TGIF, you just reminded me--I'm going to be on vacation next week, so no me next Friday.
Liz, I'm going to be on vacation next week.
(Communication is key to any working partnership.)
Re the date, just go and see what happens. Slow is good. And if he says something that suggests he doesn't get your true intentions, that's your chance to correct him. ________________________________________________ Washington, D.C.: Carolyn: I am in a situation that is really bothering me, and I don't know what to do. Any help would be appreciated. My boyfriend and I have been living together for three years. We're both in high stress jobs and work a lot. My problem is that we don't have sex very often anymore. We're talking once month (and often even less). This was not the case during the beginning of the relationship. When I bring this up, he's very defensive and says that by the time he gets home he's not relaxed enough to have sex. I don't know what to do here. I'm a girl who enjoys sex. What do I do? I love my boyfriend, and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. There's just this sex thing... Oh, and congrats on the boys! Carolyn Hax: Thank you.
You say its just the sex thing between you and your BF, but what about the defensiveness thing? If you can't talk about sensitive stuff, you're going to find yourself living without emotional intimacy as well, if you aren't already. That's far worse, since, when that goes, it usually takes the physical with it.
So, find a nonaccusatory way to say that you understand he's stressed but that you love him and need to be able at least to talk about things with him.
________________________________________________ Jealousy: Often times those who don't trust their S.O not to cheat have been cheated in the past. I feel cheating is common enough that it's not unreasonable to be cautious especially towards the beginning of the relationship. Trust often needs to be built. Carolyn Hax: But but--1. that's so unfair to the new SO, to punish him or her for the sins of the last one; 2. the caution should come upfront, in the selection process, so the person shouldn't even be an SO without at least some level of trust; 3. the caution shouldn't be caution (negative) so much as curiosity and attentiveness (positive). Paying attention to the signals someone gives off--e.g., their honesty in other, non-ex-GF related situations--should tell you most of what you need to know, before you even think to get paranoid about cheating.
The benefit of doing things that way is that, when you do come across something that strikes you as fishy, you're probably right to be concerned, which sure beats freaking out over every unsupervised trip to anyplace s/he might meet someone else. ________________________________________________ Somewhere, USA: Hi Carolyn. My husband and I are both pretty young, mid 20s, but we've both been very lucky in life professionally and we make a pretty good living. We have some friends who we're very close to and we value highly, but I always feel like they hold it against us that we make more money than they do. They bring it up all the time -- telling us what they make, how much their condo cost, etc. My husband and I both try very hard never to discuss money at all when they're around, but somehow it seems to come up. For example, we're buying a house and we are reminded constantly that when they bought their condo they were not able to get something they really loved, that they don't really like their place, etc. Basically, I'm starting to get tired of being made to feel guilty for having what we have. At the same time, I love these friends and I do want to be conscious of their feelings. So, my question is, how can my husband and I talk about things like our house or anything else exciting in our lives without making our friends feel bad or seeming like jerks? Carolyn Hax: Is it possible they're not holding it against you, and they're just talking about the usual trials of being mid-twenties, and your guilt is internal? If you're happy about something, try being happy about it and see how that flies. To feel you must downplay everything out of consideration for the less fortunate is the most thoughtful kind of condescension. ________________________________________________ Carolyn Hax: Oh, and a belated welcome to those who have joined us after Achenbach's chat about the lack of oxygen in the soil pore spaces. ________________________________________________ To Jealous in Maryland: These are your friends, right? Tell them you are feeling jealous of their wonderful lives. If you can put that across in a nice way ("Hey, look at these silly feelings I'm having!"), I'm sure they'll be more than happy to tell you all about why their lives aren't that great. Could make you feel better. I know I've admitted as much to my friends in the past, to no ill effect... Carolyn Hax: Sounds good to me, thanks. Life-enviers should remember too that everyone who has good stuff has either gone through hell to get it, or has hell lurking around some future corner. No one gets a pain-free ride, I've found. Or, I guess I should say, no one I like or would ever want to be like has has a pain-free ride. ________________________________________________ Somewhere, USA: Aggghhh. Without saying I need therapy, is there any way you can help me with my problem? I keep going through the same pattern over and over. Whenever I like a guy I get to know him, phone numbers are exchanged, and usually, I am the one to make the first move, by inviting him to coffee or something else kind of small. Things are fine. But when he says "I'll call you," or a few days go by without a phone call from him, it makes me nervous, and I wind up calling just to say hello. I'm not one of those "I must speak to you seven times a day just to say hello" chickies, but I really wish I knew how to relax, as I am sure that my behavior may make some guys go "What the hell... I did say I would call," or "Well, if she'll always call me, I don't have to lift a finger." Not good things a guy I am interested in should think about me so early on. Please don't tell me to get a hobby. (grin) I go out with my friends plenty, I am working, I am taking language courses and exercise at the gym regularly. I do keep myself plenty busy. And I am fine with doing things alone, like eating alone and shopping alone. But I wish I knew why I feel so anxious and wish I didn't try to immediately put an end to my anxiousness whenever a guy I like is involved. Should I lock up my cell phone? Any other suggestions? Carolyn Hax: Stop thinking so much. If you want to call, call. If you don't, don't. And if you keep doing something you don't want to do, keep doing it until you're annoyed enough with yourself to stop. ________________________________________________ Work question: My boss called my into her office Monday and read me the riot act. My offense? Going to lunch and not being available on a busy day. I came back after 40 minutes. My work says we get a lunch hour, but lately has been expecting us to miss it. My supervisor told me I can't "drop by" and see someone she doesn't know on another floor at the end of my work day because it "looks bad". They also get annoyed if I leave at the end of my work day. My life is not my job. I take long walks at lunch with friends.. I don't feel it's right to expect me to work overtime without being paid for overtime and to get angry if I go to lunch. How should I broach the subject with my boss? Carolyn Hax: Yes, you're entitled to lunch and to leave at the end of the day, but if you take those 40 mins at a really inopportune time without telling anyone and/or if you go home while there's still work to be done, leaving and everyone else to assume your share, then your boss might have a point. In officeland, you need to develop an ear for what's appropriate.
And when you're not sure, ask. Maybe: "If I'm not performing the job I was hired to do under the terms I was hired to do it--or if the terms of my job have changed--I would like to know that so I can correct my mistakes. Otherwise, I feel I'm more productive if I take my allotted breaks, and will gladly try to find a way to do so that doesn't come at others' expense."
________________________________________________ re: Achenbach's soil pore spaces: Humans cannot live by twenty-something angst alone... Carolyn Hax: Nor should they try. ________________________________________________ Terrified of Being Alone in Washington, D.C.: Hey Carolyn. I have a really pathetic question for you (lucky you!). Basically, I am scared to death of being "without a boyfriend." As a result, I've been coupled with people since age 16 (I'm now 25). The longest I've ever been single is six months, and it was without question the worst six months of my life. I was in college at the time, and I became so depressed that I had to drop out of school for a semester, I took tons of antidepressants, and essentially the rest of my life fell apart. Then I found a new boyfriend and poof -- I had motivation again! I'm now with a great guy, but I'm just not sure it's 100 percent right. The problem is, I have absolutely no courage to break it off, even temporarily. I now have a demanding job that I can't simply "drop out of" for six months, but whenever I'm alone, I sink into such despair that I basically can't function. So I'm desperately afraid to voluntarily break things off and potentially throw myself back into a horrible state of mind. Is there any way I can conquer this problem? It's something I'm incredibly ashamed of. Thanks. Carolyn Hax: You conquer this problem, or at least start to, by figuring out WHY you're so dependent. Egads. I should think you'd want to figure it out, urgently--and to figure out who you are, since you seem to think you don't exist except as an extension of someone else.
Actually, maybe a better way to start would be to get excited about finding all this stuff out, and then start finding it out. Freedom can be as scary or as exhilarating as you make it, and so why not make it the latter?
Oh, and say to the guy, "I need some time to myself to think." And play and do and be. You'll manage, if you want to. ________________________________________________ Baltimore, Md.: Dear Carolyn, Just an aside about the scumbag who plans to dump his girlfriend before her double mastectomy. Reconstructive surgery is now usually done at the same time as the mastectomy, and the results are excellent. So not only is this guy a lower life form, but he's an IGNORANT lower life form. It's almost enough to make me wish he gets some horrible disfiguring disease himself. Carolyn Hax: Almost. ________________________________________________ Carolyn Hax: Have to go--famished. I was going to post one more Q and A on my way out, but my answer was so bad I aborted. Sorry. Way to go out with a bang.
Anyway, Liz reminded me that the Friday after next is July 4, so this is it until July 11, unless I take a blow to the head and schedule a make-up session. Thanks all, and have a great weekend. ________________________________________________ Anycity, PA: Hi Carolyn!
I find that when I've told my BF that I need space, time to think, need to get some clarity for myself, that he immediately gets defensive and assumes I'm on my way out the door permanently. I try to convey that I NEED this me-time so that it doesn't come to that. Still, no soap, and I have yet to take this sabbatical because he makes me feel guilty for wanting it. Any suggestions? Carolyn Hax: Then go out the door permanently. If he were worth keeping, he would want you to be healthy, even if it meant his losing you.
I was resisting this suggestion, but consider therapy. You're limping through life on one crutch after another, and why? ________________________________________________ Washington, DC: Um, those were two different women who needed time off from (hopefully) two different boyfriends. Perhaps the first one should try therapy, and the second one not so much? Carolyn Hax: They dump the guys, I get therapy. ________________________________________________ © Copyright 2003 The Washington Post Company | 
