| Funny? You Should Ask
Hosted by Gene Weingarten
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, Feb. 25, 2003; Noon ET Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine, generating more mail than Santa gets at Christmas. Not all of it is wildly condemnatory. Some of it is only mildly annoyed. Weingarten came to the Post in 1990 after being chased out of Miami at midnight by farmers with pitchforks and burning torches. He is also reputed to be close to persons thought to be familiar with individuals claiming to be authoritative spokesmen for the mysterious and reclusive Czar of The Style Invitational. He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions, and abuse. He'll chat about anything. The transcript follows. Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon. I have an interactive challenge for you.
Gina Barreca and I are in the final stages of writing a book, and now must come up with a title. Our publisher has dropped subtle little hints that the success of the
book will depend in large measure on the title. Their hints have taken the following form: "No matter how good it is, if it doesn't have a good title, it will tank like a
Bradley Fighting Vehicle.‘ And: "A good title will prevent your book from sinking like a Bradley Fighting Vehicle dropped into the middle Lake Michigan by a helicopter.' The publishing industry is big on tank metaphors.
So Gina and I have been working hard on title ideas. The book is an extended version of the columns you have read: It is a continuing argument about men, women and
humor, only -- without Tom the Butcher presiding -- there are also some naughty bits.
Here are some of the titles we've considered:
Title: I Say Tomato, You Say Bite Me.
Status: Rejected. Too ambiguous in meaning,
and relies on familiarity with now obscure song.
Title: Why Women Are Funnier Than Men, and Vice Versa. Status: Still in play, but at fallback status.
Title: The Penis and Vagina Dialogues ... Two Humorists, One Book, Ten Thousand
Years of Misunderstandings Cleared Right Up
Status: Rejected. Everyone likes it, but it won't play in Peoria.
Title: Square Peg, Round Hole
Status: Rejected. Same problem.
Title: Women Who Look Funny In Those Pants, and The Men Who Love Them
Status: Rejected. Funny but sounds like a feelgood body-image book.
Title: We Have to Talk About Our Relationship. Status: Weakly in play.
Your challenge is to do better than these. We're looking for something edgy enough
to attract attention, but not so edgy it can't be spoken aloud on Good Morning America. If you come up with the title we use, you will be fulsomely credited in the
Acknowledgements, and we take you out to lunch.
Cartoon of the Week is today's Pearls Before Swine. I can't help citing one I missed from last week, the Speed Bump of Feb. 12, which HAS to be a first.
Comments? Questions? Titles?
washingtonpost.com: Pearls Before Swine, (Feb. 25),
Speed Bump, (Feb. 12)
Yesiheard, MA: Loved the message you sent to the afterlife, but it did raise a question. Assuming the message was not in a cow, did you go to lengths to make sure the messenger was going down instead of up? I think Paul should offer some options, much like the Post Office. Say, for an extra $1.45, you get guaranteed Hell delivery, etc. washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway, (Post Magazine, Feb. 23) Gene Weingarten: Paul believes there is unrestricted travel between Heaven and Hell.
I had no room to put it in the column, but the Hitler message was really my second choice.
Paul rejected my first message. I paid for it online and he actually refunded the money through Paypal because he thought it was "tastless.' My first message was: TO
MOHAMED ATTA STOP PLANE BOUNCED OFF BUILDING STOP SEPT 11 NOW CELEBRATED AS AMERICAN ARCHITECTURAL SUPERIORITY DAY STOP OSAMA SENDS GREETINGS, HAS OPENED A HOOTERS IN
RIYADH.
Washington, D.C.: Long time poster, first time reader. I wish I would have started actually reading this chat a long time ago instead of just searching for my posts. Some of this stuff is hilarious! Thanks! Gene Weingarten: Thank you! It is always a delight to warmly welcome new readers to this chat by pointing out that they have convoluted the English language into a borderline
illiteracy. "I wish I would have started actually reading" ?
Washington, D.C.: My nomination for Comic Of The Week is Friday's "Zits." I actually laughed out loud. To add to the list of annoying grammatical errors that we've been discussing, I'd like to nominate using transitive and intransitive verbs incorrectly. Folks, you can not grow a business. It may be the latest trendoid buzz phrase, but it's wrong. You can expand a business. You can increase the size of a business. You can watch a business grow. You can even be the most important factor in the growth of the business, and brag about it until we're ready to kick you. But you can not grow a business. The key thing here is that the business is doing the growing. You do not do the growing to the business. Am I clear? Don't make me call your mother, now. You know I will. Maybe next week I'll rant about people who put quotation marks around random words in the belief (I think) that they're emphasizing them. Peace out, Dawgs! washingtonpost.com: Zits, (Friday, Feb. 21) Gene Weingarten: Please note my use of the verb-noun convolute in the previous answer. I don't mind this transgression. I actually think it helps grow the language in a helpful and interesting way.
Philadelphia, Pa.: Hi Daddy. Just writing in to say hi. By the way, I have to read this scientific paper on GABA autoreceptors in the hippocampus. The authors are Wilcox and Dichter. Isn't science wonderful? Gene Weingarten: Yes, Molly, it is. Particularly, the miracle of genetics.
Feb. 12 Speed Bump: THANK YOU! As a relatively new parent, I nearly passed out laughing when I read that, but I thought it just may have been a result of the sleep deprivation. Gene Weingarten: Some visual jokes are just danged funny.
Minneapolis, Minn.: Minnesota Public Radio now alternates engaging, informative programming with pledge drives on a roughly bi-weekly basis. Yesterday during drive time the new guy from Cincinnati suggested that if we did not give a hundred dollars or whatever it’s up to now and we still were listening then we were essentially stealing. Setting aside the blinding cultural insensitive of such a remark vis-à-vis native Lutheran guilt, and the fact that our latest Alberta Clipper has every man’s nards retracted to the vicinity of their aorta, is this ethical? Gene Weingarten: Trying to guilt-trip you for listening to NPR without paying is like a woman walking down the street naked and then berating you for looking.
Fredericksburg, Va./New York, N.Y.: Gene, I know you have written on the differences between the D.C. metro and the NYC subway. May I add a corollary on the VRE and the New Jersey Transit? On the Wednesday after the snow, I took the VRE north to Washington in an attempt to catch the Amtrak to New York. The VRE was the only train running south of D.C., and it ran only three trains between Fredericksburg and Union Station. There were ominous announcements of "extreme crowding." Yet to anyone who's ever ridden the NJT at rush hour, the actual results were hilarious and unexpectedly comfortable and polite. Yes, every seat was taken. Yes, there were people standing in the aisles. But they had actual spaces between them! On the NJT, the train is not "full" until the riders are in a position to administer proctology exams to each other. I overheard one passenger saying, "Will they be able to get anyone else on this car?" I wanted to answer, "Yes, at least 40 more people, and that's even before they start climbing into the luggage racks." At each stop, the conductor announced how crowded the train was and thanked everyone for the cooperation in allowing the passengers to disembark. Far from the "do not throw yourself out the window until the train comes to a complete stop" mentality of NJT. I must say, "extreme crowding" on a VRE at rush hour was one of the most pleasant commuting experiences of my life. Gene Weingarten: Previous was the most boring post in the history of this chat.
Titular Head, Va.: "He Said, She Said, He Fell Asleep" "Men Without Women But With Beer" Gene Weingarten: This has something...
G-Town, Choc City: Wonderful aptonym in Sunday's Post: Beachcomber Barber Shop stylist Don Hairabedian. Gene Weingarten: Indeed.
Cap Hill/Dupont depending on time of day: OK, so is a aptonym still an aptonym if it's apt for a temporary situation? I quote from Monday's Post: Peter MUCKERMAN, 42, a stockbroker, said that he and his wife had spent the weekend shoveling snow off the lawn around the base of their house, confident their work would prevent flooding. They were wrong. "Nothing helped. We had six to eight inches in the basement all the way across," he said. "It was not a lot of fun." Gene Weingarten: Oh, this is definitely an aptonym, and a good one. Aptonyms can be transitory.
Laurel, Md.: Gene, Can you explain the concept of "sense of humor" to me? Women say it's one of the most desirable qualities they look for in a man. Yet many seemingly intelligent women lack the sense about humor to understand that the punch line of a joke ALWAYS COME LAST. Gene Weingarten: Ideally, this is true of punchlines AND men. Women seem to have no trouble with the rightness of the second concept.
Slower Lower DE: Holdover from last week (sorry, read the transcript -– too late to add this then) PTP: "...Second, there are numerous equivalents that nobody objects to: If we say "fortunately, the bear was shot before it mangled the little boy," nobody complains that it wasn't fortunate for the bear." Actually, I’d complain that it wasn’t fortunate for anybody. Had the bear been shot before it could mangle the little boy, I'm witcha, grammar or no, but this sentence suggests that, having been shot, the bear effectively thumbed its nose at the shooter and proceeded to mangle the little boy anyway. Unfortunately, this sort of construction is all too prevalent and I’m hopeful (but not confident) that it will be wiped out one day. Gene Weingarten: Hmm. This sounds to me as though you might have actually caught Patricia in her biannual error. Pat?
Arlington, Va.: Men without Women are like Fish with Bicycles. Gene Weingarten: Very interesting. As soon as I finish thinking about it for a week, I will tell you how good it is.
SI offensive?: Have you ever been really offended? And how did you react? Write a letter of complaint, write Emily Post, laugh it off? Gene Weingarten: I have on hundreds of occasions seen things that I thought in terrible taste. In short, I have seen things that I thought would offend the average reasonable person. But I was never personally offended. I think I lack the gene. The most offensive single thing I ever saw was on a t-shirt worn by a fan in the bleachers at Fenway Park in 1988. Patricia, if you are reading this, can you confirm for me that, despite its offensiveness, I can write this in the chat? I need a second opinion.
Virginia: Gene - Always enjoy the columns and chats, but all the postings/discussion about grammar and syntax ARE NOT FUNNY. Tnx. Gene Weingarten: What am I, your CLOWN? Do I AMUSE you? No, they are not funny. They are important. Sue me.
Dupont Circle, Washington, D.C.: Book title: I'll Show You Mine if You Show Me Yours Gene Weingarten: Also interesting.
Pat the Perfect, ME: "But you can not grow a business. The key thing here is that the business is doing the growing. You do not do the growing to the business."
--
If you plant a row of corn, fertilize and water and weed the stalks as they get larger and larger, you would not say that you grow corn? If you invest money and effort into a business to make it become larger and larger, are you not "doing the growing to the business"? I think it's a pretty accurate metaphor. Even when it's used informally just to mean "make bigger," I don't think it's the worst expression that's come along. Gene Weingarten: Yes, agreed.
Lexington Park, Md.: Gene, I'm trying to figure out a name for our softball team. I've narrowed it down to two choices, which do you think is funnier? The Fighting Quahogs or The Mighty Kumquats? Thanks! Gene Weingarten: It's close but the Fighting Quahogs is better. It's mostly the clam thing. In lieu of rally caps or towels, the fans can hawk loogies in support!
Pat the Perfect, ME: Yeah, all right, it would have been better (though, by the writer's standard, similarly illogical) if it had said "Before the bear had a chance to mangle the boy." Or you could have said, "The bear was shot and never touched the boy." Gene Weingarten: Wow. Remember this moment, folks.
Silver Spring, Md.: I don't think I have experienced this "premature punch line" phenomenon. Do they then continue to tell the joke? Can you offer an example? Gene Weingarten: You know how horses have these really long faces? Well, okay, so this horse goes into a bar....
An Appleless, Md.: In The Post on Saturday there was an article in the sports section about a wrestling team from the mountains of southwestern Virginia and how dedicated the community was to the team. Their matches are even on the radio there. Here is a quote from the article: "A friend of mine over in Abingdon, an hour and a half away, told me he could pick it up in his vehicle if he turned his vehicle a certain direction," Neeley said. "So he sits outside and listens to the state tournament each year. He'll holler into his wife and ask her to bring him out something to eat and drink." As I am not married, my question is, will one's wife respond faster with food if you holler directly into her? Gene Weingarten: Apparently. I haven't tried this, but maybe it's worth a shot!
Maryland: Is it funny and/or stupid and/or lazy to drive around with your car cleared off except for the 8 inches of snow on the roof? Gene Weingarten: This is actually the guy system of snow removal: wind. I practice it.
Pat the Perfect, ME: Maybe you are never offended, but you wrote right in this chat, I believe, that a certain entry to The Style Invitational was highly offensive even to The Czar. It involved women and airplanes. Gene Weingarten: Women and airplanes? I don't recall. You sure about this?
Somewhere, USA: Hi! Just wanted to let you know I got an A from my professor on that sex essay. Thanks for the help! Oh, and my boyfriend loved your column from a couple of weeks ago about the worst novel in America. I think you have another fan. (Thanks for helping me on my sex essay? That sounds SO wrong, on SO many levels. owell!) And I apologize in advance to pat the perfect, ME for my post being so completely ungrammatically correct. This is why I am in college, after all. Gene Weingarten: Ah. I believe this post is from a college student who was looking for help on a paper she was doing on human sexuality. I wrote to her that the principal difference between men and women, sexually speaking, is that men LOVE women's underpants, and women don't really care one way or another about men's underpants. I am delighted this was of scholarly value.
Lackahygie, NE: I now think about you every time I take a shower. Really, how do you fully wash in, what, two minutes? Do you have dirty-elbow? Gene Weingarten: Two minutes, under a roaring shower, is a lot of time. Most of you people just dawdle. Want to see how I do it? Tomorrow morning, use the cold water. You'll be done in two minutes, and clean even of elbow.
Concerning Sunday's S.I.: You've probably heard this a thousand times already, but the first entry for a sentence using every letter of the alphabet is missing 'f'. Are S.I. readers pretty persnickety; and do they notify the Czar of such things all of the time? washingtonpost.com: Style Invitational, (Post, Feb. 23) Gene Weingarten: Sigh. Yes, I see that.
Pat the Perfect, ME: ... not to mention the one (from the same entrant and possibly the same week) about JonBenet Ramsey. Gene Weingarten: Ah, yes. I remember that one! It did not "offend" the Czar. It made him think the entrant was a schmuck.
Gaithersburg, Elba of English Majors: Gene, Here's a title: Does This Book Make Me Look Funny? Let me know about lunch.
Gene Weingarten: Hmm.
Southside: Gene, a semi-serious question. You are a humorist. Humor, almost by definition, is usually going to offend somebody, and its funniness (sp?) varies directly with its offensiveness. Yet the Post (and most major papers, frankly) often seems way, WAY reluctant to offend almost anybody. How do you reconcile this? Pls discuss. Gene Weingarten: Well, you apply for a special license. I have one. It was recently renewed.
Do you think I go outta my way not to offend, you nitwit?
Kumoniwanaleia, HI: What about the t-shirt? Gene Weingarten: I can't tell you about the t-shirt. Pat has not given me permission.
Reading, Pa.: Aptonym of the week, as reported in the Feb. 20th edition of the Reading Eagle newspaper: "Antoinette M. Hooker, 40, of the first block of Sheffield Court was sentenced to 21 days already served to one year in Berks County Prison after pleading guilty to prostitution in Reading." Her parents must be so proud! Gene Weingarten: Almost too easy, but quite good.
Are you syndicated?: is your BTB column printed in any other publications, or only TWP? Gene Weingarten: It goes out on the Washington Post Wire. It's carried in about 15 papers, most every week. They range in size from the L.A. Times to the Assinippi Mississippi Pit Bull. Or something.
Medford, Mass.: Hey Gene, check out this article from the Harvard Crimson. Not only are the first two sentences very well written and punny, but the controversy is hilarious. This is right up your alley. Gene Weingarten: This writer can write. My favorite part though is when the local feminists talk about how this is porn, and porn is perforce threatening.
Oohla, LA: More Than Sex... Who's On Top When It Comes To Humor? Gene Weingarten: Who's on top is promising. Just to be safe, send your name and contact info to Ms. Liz.
Arlington, Va.: Have you ever agreed to conceal the name of a Style Invitational submitter because of their fame or notoriety? Or political position? Gene Weingarten: No, never. In fact, there was one entrant who was extraordinarily good; his entries were published many, many times. We learned by accident that he was using a pseudonym. It turned out he was a high-ranking government person who wanted to remain anonymous. The Czar told him he could not, but strongly urged him to continue entering. He chose not to. It was a shame.
Pat the Perfect, ME: I don't know what the T-shirt says. That would be, by the way, a T-shirt, not a t-shirt. Because it is shaped like a T, not a t.
So perhaps you could call a turtleneck a t-shirt. And then you could win the prize for being Even More Obnoxiously Pedantic Than Pat the Perfect. Gene Weingarten: It was at Fenway Park. I told you what it said! It made reference to a pool hall! Think!
Alexandria, Va: I'm wondering about the offer of lunch for a book title. Since you and Gina, starcrossed always, are doomed to never meet, then will the three of you have lunch at three different restaurants of the same chain, as you tried once for a column, or will there be some other arrangement? Gene Weingarten: WE will meet after the book is published.
Dupont Circle, Washington, D.C.: I made a funny at my gynecologist appointment-- He: "What's your preferred method of birth control?" Me: "My personality." --but he didn't even crack a smile and it was all very uncomfortable after that (to say the least). Why do doctors not have senses of humor Gene Weingarten: Actually, I believe gynecologist have learned to suppress their sense of humor. The risks arising from thinking someone is kidding, when they are not, are enormous. For example, I suspect gynecologists would not touch that line about shouting into one's wife.
Arlington, Va.: How on earth did/could you find out about the pseudonym? I'm surprised the person didn't just continue with a new one. Gene Weingarten: I don't recall. For all we know, he HAS continued under another pseudonym, but I doubt it. He seemed to be someone of character.
Pat the Perfect, ME: Oh, go ahead with the T-shirt joke. I trust you. (I say this to the man who didn't see what might be problematic with the book title "The Penis and Vagina Monologues.") washingtonpost.com: Cringing. Gene Weingarten: The t-shirt that came closest to offending me read, simply, "I Smelt The Felt, Big Dan's Tavern, New Bedford, Mass." As tastless as it gets.
Titleburg: Adam's Ribbing: Are Women as Funny as Men, and are Men as Funny as They Think They Are? Gene Weingarten: Also interesting.
New York, N.Y.: Why are pseudonyms not allowed? Gene Weingarten: Pseudonyms are not allowed because humor is often hostile, and we want people to have to stand behind what they submit. With a writer for the Post, his job is on the line; with a reader, we have no such implicit control -- at least we can ask that you not hide behind a pseudonym.
Herndon, Va.: Re: Title "Mars vs. Uranus: Differences in Female and Male Humor" Gene Weingarten: HAHAHA. Actually, it would be Venus v. Uranus.
Olney, Md.: That Speed Bump was probably funnier to parents because of the number one thing they don't tell you about being a parent, but should. You will injure your child at some point. You will probably draw blood. The good news is, you child will not need any more therapy than they would have otherwise, although you might. I wish someone had told me this. The first time my daughter fell right on my finger, poking herself in the eye as I tried to keep her from whacking her head against the door frame, I was probably traumatized than she was. Then I realized, children fall and hurt themselves a lot, and at some point the more you try to stop it the more you increase the chance of being the instrument of their injury instead of the floor, wall, or furniture. Hope this helps any new parents out there. Gene Weingarten: Yes, I believe that if you do not actually physically assault your child, you are already a pretty good parent. I give myself a LOT of slack.
Washington, D.C.: Does the Czar EVER bend the rules to allow a clearly superior entry win although it does not follow the rules? I thought "Julius Cesar Chavez: 'I came, I saw, I Concord'" was one of the funniest Style Invitational entries EVER. Gene Weingarten: WEll, um, it got PRINTED didn't it? Isn't that the point?
Neitherwill, Norway: A true and recent variation on the premature punch line: As I'm putting the new DVD into the player, my wife says, "I don't remember much about this book, except that it turns out he's not from the planet K-PAX." Thanks very much. Gene Weingarten: Right. That is a variant of the premature punch line by transference phenomenon, which my wife is partial to: "Honey tell the one about how you have to shoot the dog when you fall out of the tree."
Out of time. Thank you all, particularly for your title suggestions, which Gina and I are still gratefully accepting. If we wind up using one, or part of one, I will determine who you are in a future chat. So stand by.
Next week.
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