| washingtonpost.com: Good evening, and welcome to Viewpoint. Today Lonnie Carton, Ph.D., is joining us to discuss how to talk to children about underage drinking. Let's get started! Dr. Lonnie Carton: It's a pleasure to have this opportunity to help parents discuss this important issue with their children. _______________________ Dallas, Tex.: I have a couple drinks with dinner every night after work. I am struggling with how to tell my kids (10 & 14) not to drink at all while they see their parents drinking at the dinner table. Any help is appreciated. Dr. Lonnie Carton: Explain to your daughter that just as there are other activities such as movies, voting, getting married, etc. that have age requirements, so does drinking. Explain to your daughter that when she reaches legal age, she can make her own choice about drinking alcohol. _______________________ Myrtle Beach, S.C.: My 14-year-old daughter, who is an A student and cheerleader in the 9th grade, went to a party, drank vodka and got drunk. The parents called me at 11:00 p.m. to come and pick her up. I did and she was passed out. I have never had any trouble with my daughter, and she says that she is very sorry and will never do that again, nor would she do drugs. My question is, do I file a complaint against the boy that had the party and was drinking or the boy that was carrying the bottle? I don't know who brought the bottle. What do I do now? I am not looking to blame someone, because my daughter had a choice. Thank you for any advice on this matter. Carolyn Dr. Lonnie Carton: As long as you believe your daughter has learned her lesson, it might be wise to forget about filing any complaints. If you did so, you might get your daughter's peers very angry that her "mother" got involved - as if she tattled on them. I would, however, thank the parent that alerted you and perhaps, in a non confrontational way, explain to them that serving alcohol to minors could subject them to legal actions. _______________________ Oklahoma City, Okla.: I know kids drink (I did). But I feel like telling my kids to drink responsibly is telling them to drink (illegally). Telling them no is an invitation to telling them to drink. What advice would you give me? Dr. Lonnie Carton: We do not give to youngsters under the age of 21 the message to drink responsibly. The message is that it's illegal and inappropriate to drink. It is adults to whom the important message is to drink responsibly so that they are able to provide good role models to children for when their children are old enough to drink. It might help you to take a look at our 4 "R" formula (on our Web site) for talking to your youngster about the use of alcohol.
_______________________ Warren, Ohio: As a teenager my parents had no idea I drank. Now I have a teen of my own, and can't tell if he's being honest with me when we talk about the subject, or if he's simply following in his dad's footsteps. How do you begin an honest dialogue knowing that you might be told only what you want to hear? Thanks. Dr. Lonnie Carton: As parents, we can only do the best we can. Try following the 4 “Rs” of successful parenting:
· Regular Supervision – let them know you care by being there for them
· Right Information – give children the facts about drinking. The truth is most children do not drink. According to the government’s National Household Survey on Drug Abuse, 82 percent of 12 to 17 year olds nationwide do not drink.
· Responsible Role Modeling – the example you set is most important.
· Reinforcement of Family Values – communicate with your children what issues are important -- your values, your beliefs.
Check out our Web site for more information at www.familytalkonline.com. Unless your child is generally dishonest with you ... believe him. _______________________ Arlington, Va.: How do you broach the subject of drinking problems that run in a family? Dr. Lonnie Carton: Honesty is always the best policy. If you feel your child is old enough to understand how and why these problems exist, it might be a good idea to use them as an example of why he or she should not use alcohol until it is legal and when it is legal to use it in a responsible way. _______________________ Washington, D.C.: Dr.Lonnie, Just wanted to say hi and thank you so much for helping us in the DC-metro area with this program that empowers parents to be the role model that their children say they are, especially when it comes to decisions about drinking. I also wanted to thank you in advance for your input, and thank you for stepping up to the plate for all parents for their role in parent power! Dr. Lonnie Carton: We appreciate your support. Working together, responsible parents can help our children make better decisions. _______________________ New York, N.Y.: My neice, who is a senior in high school, regularly asks me about my own experiences with alcohol when I was her age. She has been uncomfortable talking to her parents about this and is coming to me for advice. I don't want to betray her by asking advice from my brother on what he'd like me to say. I don't want to be dishonest to her either.
Looking for advice. Dr. Lonnie Carton: Your niece is a very lucky young woman that she has you to come to for advice. Since she shows such trust in you, you need to return the trust. If you drank illegally when you were a youngster, honesty is the best policy. Admit that. Emphasize however the fact that it is illegal and inappropriate to drink and while you might have gotten away with it in your time, following that lead today is not worth the risk. Please check our 4 "Rs" strategy (on the Web site) of advice for adults for more help in terms of the kinds of information you might provide your neice. _______________________ Laurel, Md.: There's no physiological reason it's worse for an 18-year-old to drink a given quantity of alcohol than a 40-year-old. If you try to tell young adults to abstain, I believe we are really saying, "don't drink because society has decided you're too immature." Dr. Lonnie Carton: I would appreciate you sharing your data with me that shows the physical and mental development of an 18 year old is no different than that of a 40 year old. Not all 18 year olds are alike, but the legal drinking age is set at 21. It is important that we learn to obey the laws. _______________________ Alexandria, Va.: What can parents say or do before their child heads out with friends on a Friday night or before the big dance? Dr. Lonnie Carton: Before your children go, know exactly where they will be going and who they will be with. Remind them of your family rules and your expectations about their behavior. If they’re going to a party at another friends, call that friends’ parents and make sure the party will have adult chaperones. Wait up for your child. That shows you care and are paying attention to what’s happening. _______________________ Charleston, S.C.: At what age do you feel it is best to begin talking with your children about drinking? Dr. Lonnie Carton: Prime time on this subject is ages 9 to 11, but it’s never too late — or too early — to start the discussion. _______________________ New York, N.Y.: What behaviors should I look for to tell if my teenage kids are drinking? Dr. Lonnie Carton: There are certain warning signs that researchers claim that give evidence that teenagers are drinking. Sudden poor performance in school, unusual fatigue, inability to concentrate, sometimes association with other children who are drinking, and sometimes the need for more money. If there is alcohol in your home, be sure to check your cabinet to make sure nothing has been used by your children -- that is often a common source. _______________________ St. Paul, Minn.: I have a daughter that is going to college. I know she is going to be tempted about drinking, but this is perceived as "a high school conversation." How do I take this on? Dr. Lonnie Carton: The freshman year is a difficult time for students. They have sudden independence and a small support system. By keeping in touch by phone, e-mail, etc. it would be wise to reinforce the values you already taught her about the legality and inappropriatness of underage drinking. It's important to emphasis that she should NEVER drive or ride with anyone who has had too much to drink. _______________________ San Francisco, Calif.: Is there a responsible way to drink in front of my children? What do you say about it, etc.? Dr. Lonnie Carton: Absolutely. First of all, not only is there a responsible way to drink in front of your children, if you choose to drink responsibly, you are providing a good role model for them in later years when they are old enough to make a choice. Check our Web site, familytalkonline.com, to see that role modeling i.e., socially responsible drinking by adults, is one of the four important strategies for talking with your child about alcohol. _______________________ Chicago, Ill.: How can I de-glamorize drinking to my teens when the Hollywood and entertainment industry does the opposite? Dr. Lonnie Carton: No doubt, young people imitate celebrities ... but it's Parent Power, not star power, that has the greatest influence on the important decisions like whether or not to drink alcohol. We know from the Roper Youth Report that 73 percent of 8 to 17 year olds cited their parents as their number one influence on this decision. By talking with our children about this issue and -- very important -- by listening to them, parents can help build their children’s self-confidence and self-esteem and enable them to resist negative Hollywood images when they come up. _______________________ San Mateo, Calif.: Is it wise to allow your children to sample alcohol in order to take mystery out of it? Dr. Lonnie Carton: Unless the tasting is part of a religious or cultural family tradition, it is not wise to have a sample taste testing experience. The point still is, that there are many activities which adults are legally allowed to do and children are not -- from seeing certain movies, to voting, to getting married. Since it is illegal to drink alcohol, it is best not to encourage its use among minors. _______________________ Columbia, Md.: Do the programs with crashed cars in front of high schools really work? Our school is thinking about doing that this spring. Dr. Lonnie Carton: Any programs shown to high-school students must be reinforced with MUCH additional discussion and explanation of the alcohol facts. Shock value has a short shelf life. Many teens think a scare is a dare. They could believe, "I would be smart enough or lucky enough to avoid that situation." Check the Web site familytalkonline.com for additional tips on how to frame that discussion. _______________________ Richmond, Va.: I send my 6-year-old kid to get me a beer. He really enjoys doing that for dad. Is that creating future alcohol problems? Dr. Lonnie Carton: There is probably no harm in having your youngster get you a beer. There would be harm if you were to let him taste it or if in your own use of alcohol you did not show him that you were able to handle it in a responsible way. If your chlid suddenly asks why he can't drink, the important lesson that you could teach at this time is that there are many things that adults can do that children cannot do until they are adults. _______________________ Sterling, Va.: Could you comment on the recent article in the Wall Street Journal about parents and their dilemma with home party hosting? Dr. Lonnie Carton: There is no dilemma about whether or not parents should host underage drinking parties. It's illegal and wrong and indicates a misunderstanding on the part of parents that they have a responsibility to protect their children and teach them the difference between right and wrong. _______________________ New York, N.Y.: I'm worried that my son has a fake ID. He spends time with the wrong crowd, and I'm worried that he and his friends know of where to get something illegal like a fake ID. I don't want to check his wallet or search through his bedroom. Should I simply ask him outright? Dr. Lonnie Carton: Sometimes even the best efforts of parents are not enough to prevent alcohol abuse. If you suspect your child is already drinking, the best thing to do is to talk to him about what you suspect. Try not to be judgemental or confrontational. Ask him straighforwardly about the fake I.D. and if he is drinking. Listen carefully to his answer. Explain that because it is illegal and inappropriate for him to drink, there will be consequences if he is caught drinking. If talking with him doesn't help, seek professional advice immediately. A family physician, minister or rabbi, school guidance counselor or social worker can be excellent sources of help. Finding out that your child has illegally consumed alcohol or gotten drunk once doesn’t mean he or she is an alcoholic. But you should focus strongly on this issue to eliminate future episodes. _______________________ Mendham, N.J.: I have found that when my daughter goes to her friend's house for dinner, she is offered a glass of wine. The family is European and this is very natural for them. How do I teach her to appreciate other cultures, without encouraging her drinking? Dr. Lonnie Carton: If this is a cultural or religious tradition in the family, I would explain to your daughter why wine is served in the home. You may want to discuss your dilemma with the other family and communicate that while you respect their tradition, you have taught your child that it is illegal and inappropriate to use alcohol. I also would ask the family whether or not they would object to serving a non-alcoholic drink when your child is having a meal at their house. _______________________ New York, N.Y.: I am a mother of three teenage boys. I don't think that they drink yet, at least that's what they say. They are athletes, and very serious about sports and what they put in their bodies. So I'm wondering how far to press the issue? Dr. Lonnie Carton: If it's not broken don't fix it. Generally, young people who are engaged in sports are much more likely to protect their bodies and not drink. Nevertheless, to be certain that your three young men continue to follow the wise decision-making path of not using alcohol, I would advise you to use the 4 "Rs" strategy for parents (on familytalkonline.com) to see if any of them would be important to discuss or reinforce. _______________________ Nashville, Tenn.: I feel guilty telling my kids not to do all the things I did growing up. I made a lot of mistakes, but I learned from them. If I tell them to learn from my mistakes, it seems sooo hypocritical. Dr. Lonnie Carton: The issue here is not your guilt. The issue is helping your youngster make the right choice. The right choice for all those under the age of 21 both legally and physically is to avoid the use of alcohol. _______________________ St. Louis, Mo.: My 10-year-old son insists that I am "using drugs" when I drink beer because he learned through the DARE program that all alcohol is a drug. Do you have a simple way of explaining the difference? Dr. Lonnie Carton: Explain to your son that alcohol is legal. Millions of adults drink responsibly. The use of illicit drugs is not responsible behavior for anyone. When used responsibly, the federal government recognizes that moderate drinking can be part of a healthy lifestyle for adults who choose to drink. There is no "moderate" consumption of any form of illicit drugs. Talk with your son's school about what is taught in the DARE program. Let's dispense with the notion that enjoying a beer responsibly naturally leads to a progression into drugs. THAT IS NOT SO! _______________________ Frederick, Md.: What should parents do about the music nowadays. The songs all talk about drinking and drugs. I feel that if I restrict my son, he will rebel. If I am to lenient, he will feel that it is ok to do the things in the the music today.
Dr. Lonnie Carton: Unfortunately, forbidden fruit is often the tastiest. It would be counterproductive to keep him from listening to this music because if he didn't listen to it in your house, he'd listen to it somewhere else. See if you can get him to have the two of you listen to the music together. Ask him to explain what he likes about the music. See if he'll listen to your music as well to discuss what you like about your music. Talk about what you feel are the kinds of words, behaviors, and attitudes, while heard on his kinds of records, should not be imitated in his own attitudes and behaviors. _______________________ washingtonpost.com: Unfortunately, our time is up. We'd like to thank Dr. Lonnie Carton and all the participants in this evening's discussion. Dr. Lonnie Carton: No one said it would be easy raising children today, and it isn't. Everyone needs help. We developed Family Talk About Drinking to help encourage parents to talk with their children about this very important topic. The Family Talk Web site, www.familytalkonline.com, is your resource as a parent. You can submit questions to me and periodically check for responses on the site. Thank you for taking the time to join us this evening. Working together we can help our children make responsible choices. _______________________
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