Carolyn Hax The Washington Post

Appearing every Friday and Sunday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About It ® offers readers under 30 advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there - really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 32-year-old displaced New Englander and eight-year newspaper veteran with still-married parents, three older sisters, a mad-artist husband and way too many shoes. Her "expertise" (she added the quotation marks, we didn't) is in bad dates, school pressures, strict parents and dubious decisions, and she specializes in stupid teenage stunts, which she likes to call "learning experiences."

Today's Special edition ended at 1 p.m. Check out the transcript below or read Carolyn's column from today's Post. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column. She will not be on-line this Friday. Until her next discussion next Monday night, feel free to e-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

Boston, MA: Carolyn,

Here is my problem. Every year my husband and I spend Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with mine. We do this because he has to work the whole weekend after Thanksgiving. None of us -parents included- really like this arrangement but there really is no alternative, short of driving 4 hours to see my family on Thanksgiving morning and driving back that same night, obviously not really an option. So, the problem is that EVERY YEAR my mother-in-law makes a huge fuss over Chrstmas, I understand that it is tough not seeing your son on Christmas but its not like this was our choice. Also, X-mas eve is out becuase my folks are divorced and that night is my dads. How do I deal with her complaining without killing her? It just really bothers me that she is so selfish about it. She sure doesn't mind spending every Thanksgiving w-us and me not seeing my family. Sorry for the rant but I have been dealing with this same question every year for 4 years. Any help would be much appreciated.
Thanks

Carolyn Hax: Don't ask me -- it's your husband's help you need. He's the one who has to step in and say, Ma, this is how it has to be, it's not something he or she or anyone can change right now, and he'd appreciate it if she wouldn't make it into an annual ordeal.

So where is he?

Melbourne, Florida: Divorced Mom.Primary custody of 11-yr old daughter. Ex & his live-in girlfriend blame me for my daughter wanting to live with me...how to celebrate the new century? I suggested we just all be together because we'll all want to be with our daughter, but the X says "we don't like to be around you because you talked her into living with you." -not true, she chose!!- Any creative ideas on how to share this special night?
signed "desperate"

Carolyn Hax: Quietly (or loudly!) with your daughter. You gave your ex a chance to act like a grownup, and he blew it. Happy 2000.

Rockville, Maryland: My husband and I got married in March, and we're going to spend our first holiday season with his family because mine is mostly on the west coast and we can't take enough time away from work to go there. I know I'm going to miss my family a lot, and I am trying to be part of my husband's family's traditions, but I just don't feel part of them. Do you have any good ideas about how to cope?

Carolyn Hax: Being a good sport usually works. You can't get to your family, so isn't it nice that you have your husband's family and traditions there for you? Instead of letting self-pity ruin a perfectly good holiday, you can show your in-laws your gratitude by introducing them to one of *your* family traditions. Bake or cook something you always had at home, or light the candles or do the readings or whatever it is you miss most.

NY, NY: Hey Carolyn! Love the chats! My boyfriend and I have been together a few years and now live together. We are a little low on cash this year and I am wondering if it is OK to give our parents, siblings, etc. joint gifts at Christmas even though we aren't married yet?

Carolyn Hax: That's your call. Keep in mind, though: The purpose of any gift is to make the recipient happy, and the happiness of the recipients in the case of a joint gift will be directly proportional to their happiness with your living situation. If your mom hates your BF, the "To Mom from us!" will land like a kick in the teeth. Just FYI.

Arlington, Va.: Here's a party-invite etiquette question: Some friends are hosting a party, sent out an email invite. They sent out a later confirmation with to just people who had RSVP'd, with a list of everyone's names and the assignments of what we're supposed to bring.

Now, this wasn't billed as a potluck affair. I'm sure that many folks would have offered to bring something anyway. What rubbed me the wrong way was getting assigned stuff like this. The host added that we could trade if we didn't like what we got.

Tacky? Is there any appropriate response, or should I just dutifully bring what was on the list next to my name?

Carolyn Hax: Unbelievable. I guess the response has to depend on how close you are to these friends--and, believe it or not, how old they all are. This sounds a lot like fresh-from-the-nest cluelessness (and pennilessness). If that's the case, I'd probably just bring my assigned thing and forget about it. If one of them were a close friend, though, I would mention that springing potluck on people is REALLY bad form.

If these were people I wouldn't mind never seeing again, I'd just see their etiquette breach and raise them another by saying, whoops! scheduling mixup, can't make it after all. Sooo sorry.

Philly, PA: Is it appropriate to buy your spouse a household item,- say new carpets or a washer-dryer, or a refridgerator, for example,- as a Christmas gift?

Carolyn Hax: Would your spouse's eyes go misty at the sight of them?

somewhere, USA: Dear Carolyn:

I have a large family and we are all going to be together for Christmas, which is a great thing for the most part, but I have an older sister who is very difficult to deal with at times. In fact, I really do not get along with her usually and I feel bad for saying this but I really do not even like her that much - she has even snapped at her husband in front of us -other family members- at times, but I guess that is another story. I have recently heard from a very reliable source -another sister-that she has criticized my place of residency, and other very petty things about my life. She has a wonderful new baby, doesn't work, lives very comfortably in another city, and so I really do not understand her nastiness. Having said that, do you have any insight as to why she feels the need to talk like this about members of her own family -btw: I have heard her talk about her friends in a nasty way also- and also, how can I handle her in a constructive way this holiday without wanting to snap right back at her or worse? Thank you! Any insight would be much appreciated.

Carolyn Hax: Pity always seems to work in these situations. Here she has a swell husband and fat new baby and nice home and doesn't have to give them up every morning for a paycheck and isn't it sad that she still feels threatened by other people's happiness?

Orlando, FL: My problem is DisneyWorld. At X-Mas all the relatives come visit & want to go there, with us in tow. It's just not fun anymore!! -Besides, it's upwards of $45 per day to get in!-. When someone takes offense at our "non participation"....what's the best reply? We're sick of it? It's too expensive for us? There must be some gentle way to break this to them!

Carolyn Hax: If someone's geared up to take offense at that, how you break it to them isn't going to make all that much of a difference. "You go have fun, and we'll all hang out when you get back." Then you devote no more gray matter to the issue.

DC: My husband and I are an interfaith couple but we've agreed to have a Jewish home. The compromise is that, since he just loves "the Christmas morning experience", we try to go to his folks house for the holidays. The problem is that for the past two years, his family has made such a production about me being Jewish that I always feel horribly uncomfortable. His mom buys me anything that will sit still long enough to be covered with a star or a dreidel. They constantly mention it to anyone stopping by to wish the family a happy holidays. Last year his dad literally introduced me to the different statues in the nativity scene. I know they mean well but it's driving me nuts, I just want to spend time with them and help them celebrate their holiday. I know the mean well but the time has come to end this. So here's the question...is it better for him to do it solo, me to do it, or to do it together? I don't want to offend them or seem ungrateful but I cannot endure another stocking covered with hannukah stickers.

Carolyn Hax: Yes, you can, for your husband. And for them, for their goofball enthusiasm. If you see an appropriate opening, point out that they really needn't go to such trouble. Really.

Silver Spring, MD: Hi Carolyn! Thanks for the columns...my wife and I read them at work and then often talk about them at home.
The problem is my parents. Every visit with them is both torture and a joy. Although I now have a much better relationship with them than when I lived with them, to the point where I can have long conversations with my mother and sometimes my father, and I love them both, they have shouted, screamed, and slammed doors at each other for as long as I can remember. I can sometimes get them to stop temporarily, but it feels like I'm bailing out a lake with a thimble. They went to therapy for years, and I'm aware of many of their issues, but they have settled into very deep ruts without much motivation to get out of them.
Their only motivation is seeing my wife and I, since we will spend more time doing things without them if they are preoccupied with hurting each other rather than enjoying our company.
My question deals with how to handle their time with the potential grandchildren. I don't want my children to grow up around that kind of hostility and spite, and I have even mentioned this to them, but I'm not sure how I'll handle it if they keep up they way they have. I feel as if I would have to give them an ultimatum, and even that might not work.
Any thoughts on how to deal with them, particularly in the middling-to-distant future, without using grandkids as either carrots or sticks?

Carolyn Hax: Do they have a grace period, a one- or two-hour welcome-home buzz before they go for the throats? You may need to get used to the short-and-sweet visit. Another option is seeing one grandparent at a time--make up some story about wanting the kids to get to know them each one-on-one.

But geez, these are "potential" children? Aren't you stressing a little early?

Vienna, VA: Stepfather of 22 year old son: I'm going to need an escape from him. He comes home from college and disrupts the peace in the house with his emotional issues and problems. He can dish it out, but can't take it, so I'm at a loss.

Carolyn Hax: You are Teflon, and when you aren't Teflon, you're out on a long walk. Couldn't hurt to settle beforehand on some limits, and stick to them when the storm hits.

Cletus in Shelbyville: Hi Carolyn -

Mom's b-day -the big 60- is Dec. 31. What to do? She always gripes about how nobody is ever around for her b-day - I usually go skiing- and the big 60 only makes matters worse. Please, please advise.

Carolyn Hax: 60 and still a baby. Don't know that there's a solution to that. Either you indulge her, or you don't.

washingtonpost.com: Hi everyone. The server is very sloooow today. It's not Carolyn. She is trying to post responses as fast as she can but is being impeded by technology at the moment. Thanks for your patience.

Alexandria: I got married in October and we are spending Christmas with my husband's family in CT -my parents live here-. This will be my first Christmas away from home, although I have spent other holidays separate from my family. So far my mom has been pretty cool about it -- in other words she hasn't said anything about it at all. Last year she gave me a huge guilt trip -- you're not married yet, my last Christmas with my little girl, etc. and I gave in and came home without my fiance. This year we are definitely not going to change our plans for her, but is there anything I can say-do when the inevitable guilt trip comes?

Carolyn Hax: Again, you indulge it or you don't. I keep hearing about guilt as if it comes from some external force, but that's so wrong. YOU go on the guilt trip. YOU can decide not to.

Brookline, MA: I just spent a completely horrid Thanksgiving holiday with my sister-in-law. She is about 6 years older than my husband and I and the least decent human being I have ever come across. Besides the fact that she throws tantrums -yells, cries, storms out of the room- when she doesn't get her way, she has been a real problem for my husband and I for the whole of our marriage. The first problem was that we got married within a year of her weddinge, taking away from her special day. She told my husband that she just couldn't be happy for us because of it. Then she got upset because after we were married, he didn't spend enough time with her. She told him that seeing him once a month with me there just wasn't the same and she felt like she didn't know him anymore. This felt like a toxic situation so we didn't interact with her for almost a year. We've sort of patched that up and now she's back to wanting him to visit her - alone - so she can "get to know him again." My question is, I'm all for family harmony and I'm fine with him doing things on his own, but this seems like something to object to. To me it seems like a power thing - maybe along the lines of showing control over little brother's marriage. Am I wrong here?

Carolyn Hax: Dead on, I'd say. And I agree that his seeing her alone would normally be fine--a good idea, even--but that since she's using it as leverage, he has to say no.

Fairfax, VA: How do you set boundaries with relatives' visits? My husband and I just came off a six day Thanksgiving visit from my in-laws and I am exhausted and resentful--their visit totally wore me out. It would've been so much better if they'd had the self-awareness to stay in a hotel -our apt is TINY-, rent a car, or try to entertain themselves for at least one of the six days... but they always present it as a done deal -"We've bought our plane tickets already, here's when you need to pick us up at the airport!"-. How can we set some limits?? These folks need to be beaten with the clue stick before they'll pick up a hint and we don't want to seem like bad guys--but we want to get the message across! -We don't want to--and don't think we should have to--pay for their five-night stay in a hotel. Is that our only choice?-

Carolyn Hax: "Great, and I'll be happy to find you a hotel room nearby. Would you like me to call around?"

Arlington, VA: Instead of spending the time and money hunting for gifts for each other, my friends and I get together for a nice dinner in January each year as our "gift" to each other. It is so nice to have the time to sit and reflect on the past year and discuss our hopes for the year ahead.

Carolyn Hax: That sounds nice! But with all those "reflections" and "hopes," I'd be tempted to bring a whoopie cushion.

Grinch-link Jewish Girl: Hey there Carolyn,
Sometimes I'm embarrassed to admit it, but ever since college -when I came to DC-, I've lost all patience for Christmas. I mean, down right grouchy. Here at work,everyone asks what you're doing over the "christmas break" or "christmas holiday" and coworkers can't wait to see you at the "christmas party". I work for a gov't org., and they even had an xmas tree decorating party--in a govt building!! I seem to remember a separation of church and state.

If you're anything but christian, this can be a lonely, terrible time of year. After turkey day, I just want to run away. But I'm poor. What do you suggest to get over my anger? frustration?

Carolyn Hax: What's to be embarrassed about? The Christmas juggernaut becomes earlier and uglier every year, and I can't blame people for feeling like they're not invited to the party. But if it makes you feel any better, the huge parties are never the good ones, right? It's the eight-people at a table, candlelit nights that mean something, not the elbow-throwing and credit-card melting at some mall. Enjoy what you can of it--the lights and the greens are pretty, don't you think?--and see if you can't find a few other refugees to grinch with. This too shall pass.

Foster City, Calif.: Following up on the dilemma of "NY, NY": One way to sidestep the issue of joint presents is to give inexpensive gifts, home-made or from second-hand stores. -Just tie a pretty ribbon on the latter and call them "collectibles."- My best friend's boyfriend is good with a sewing machine and makes tablecloths, curtains, etc. Another friend, who lives on a disability check, gives delicious pumpkin bread and hand-drawn Christmas cards. When I was nearly broke one year in college, I did all my Xmas shopping at used book stores and the Army Surplus. If you have neither money nor time, promise future services, but make them tangible enough that the recipient can actually collect without feeling like a heel. -For example, offer to babysit your sister's kids every Wednesday night for the next two months so she can do kick-boxing at the Y.-

Carolyn Hax: All good stuff, thanks.

Falls Church,VA: Here's my holiday question-
I am a single guy, with two married sisters, complete with their own families. I adore my nieces and nephews, and would rather spend Christmas weekend with them instead of alone with mom and dad -both sisters are staying home or going to the in-laws this year-.
The problem is how to tell my mom, who seems to assume already that I would rather have a "quiet" holiday with just them. Frankly, I look forward to the chaos of holidays with the little ones, when you outgrow santa and Christmas morning, it seems more fun to me to watch a child enjoy it for his-her self. Being single the holidays are difficult enough, I'd rather take advantage of the distractions of being with my sister's kids than being alone with mom and dad.
Any thoughts?

Carolyn Hax: What's wrong with: "I look forward to the chaos of holidays with the little ones, when you outgrow santa and Christmas morning, it seems more fun to me to watch a child enjoy it"? Or, is there any chance M&D can join you there? Or do you live close enough to do the kiddie show Xmas morning, then drive to dinner w/ M&D afterward?

Washington, D.C.: As for the household-item spouse question, I must add that every year since I can remember, my grandfather has given my grandmother a washing machine, hot water heater, new roof, etc., for Christmas. It always makes me kind of sad.

If the spouse is an obsessive cook, nice implements he-she wouldn't buy for him-herself normally are nice, but don't descend into joyless practical territory.

Carolyn Hax: Does it make your grandmother sad, too? I'm inclined to agree with you, but I also know that not everybody wants diamonds.

Wash DC: I'm about to go and drop my baby off at my mother-in-law's house for the afternoon because I have to go to work. We have a reasonably okay relationship but it's been really rocky for the past couple of days. She just called me and told me to pack some pajamas, several changes of clothing and the stroller - just for an afternoon visit? When I asked her where she was going she was vague. The hairs on my neck stood up. Do I still leave my baby with her or chance it? I can't get a hold of my husband because he is in meetings.

Carolyn Hax: The hairs on the backs of our necks are our emergency-response system. I'd call in sick.

Detroit, MI: For Boston, MA:

I come from a big family, and trying to coordinate the holidays around all the in-laws became next to impossible. Our solution - my family celebrates Christmas the Saturday before. It really takes some of the stress out of balancing family obligations. And, the holiday season lasts a lot longer now! Good luck.

Carolyn Hax: Creativity and cooperation, who knew.

Somewhere, Texas: Carolyn: Here's one: My longtime boyfriend's parents -he's one of five boys, so the parents are very, very nice to girlfriends and daughters in law- always give me lovely gifts for birthday and Christmas -- we're talking cashmere sweaters, silver bracelets etc. I am an only child, and while I know that my parents actually like my boyfriend, they've never made any such gestures toward him. Is it possible to point out -- without frightening them that their little girl is in a serious relationship or making them feel rude -- that it would be really nice if they gave him a little something? Heck, mail-order steaks or power tools would do it! My boyfriend is very much a part of my life. He has never even brought this up, but I don't like the inequity of the situation and feel my parents should acknowledge him the way his parent do to me. I know they're afraid I'll make the same mistake they did -marrying their first sweethearts and ending up in nasty divorces-, but I've got a bit more experience than they did at this point in their lives...and I don't think their being nice to my boyfriend is going to encourage me to rush into marriage!

Carolyn Hax: Try not weave in all the hopes-and-fears-of-all-the-years, and keep it to gifts. His parents spoil you, and you feel awkward. Surely your mom can sympathize with this? Especially if you offer to buy something yourself, and they can flag it with their own card or something.

Bethesda, MD: To Boston, MA, or anyone who has a tough time deciding which family to visit for the holidays: you don't have to go to the same place. Sometimes it makes sense for the husband to go to one house and the wife to go to another. I just want to remind people that it is an option.

Carolyn Hax: That's true, but I'd hate to see that as the solution to childish or intractable relatives.

Kensington, MD: Hello Carolyn! Here's the scoop. This is our first Christmas as a married couple. We've decided to stay here and celebrate by ourselves -families are spread in different parts of the country-. My family is ok with this -in fact, I spent last Christmas with his family, and this will be the second year I celebrate w-o my parents-. His parents, on the other hand, are not ok. In fact, they refuse to mail our gifts to us, or to open theirs until we come up there at some point in Jan. or Feb. to celebrate with them.

My husband tried, gently, to coax them into sending the gifts, but it didn't take. I am tempted to try a more direct approach, but he is very disturbed by "holiday conflict" and wants me to not bring up the subject and just go along with whatever his parents want.

Any suggestions?

Carolyn Hax: What direct approach, "Ship my gifts NOW"? They're waiting, so you wait. Merry Christmas.

DC: Great column! This is a 'how-to-combine-different-families-and-their-traditions' question. My family used to celebrate Christmas Day in the morning, with my grandmother. I have very fond memories of these times. -I'm 32-. A few years ago, my brother started going to his girlfriend's family's home -Pennsylvania- to celebrate Christmas in the morning. My mother chose to postpone our celebration until Christmas night, when "Joe" could get back to our parents' house.

That first year, I asked my mom if we could still have Christmas in the morning. This change had come at a really bad time -- my grandmother had just passed away -- and I had wanted to keep Christmas as similar as possible, knowing it would be tough without her anyway. My mom chose to let Joe go up to PA in the morning anyway, and we had Christmas cheer that night instead. -Mom didn't want Joe to choose his girlfriend over us.-

That's the way it's been for the past few years, and I still hate it. It doesn't feel like Christmas to me anymore. I don't get excited about it, and really don't enjoy it. I haven't said anything since my request got turned down, thinking I'd get over it. But I haven't.

2 questions. Should my mother have honored my request to keep Christmas the same in the wake of my grandmother's death, rather than cater to a girlfriend's schedule -i.e., she wasn't family at the time-? I feel like family -me- was put aside for nonfamily -brother's girlfriend-. Should I continue to keep my mouth shut and not rock the boat? It's been about 4 years now, and the new tradition has become ingrained.

Thanks.

Carolyn Hax: Your family had a choice: Preserve the way of a late grandmother, or accommodate a living brother. I'm sorry, the living brother wins here. You're 32 years old. Having your brother and your parents and you all together is what this holiday is about now.

Alexandria, VA: Well, as the holiday -Christmas- gets closer. I am stuck as to what get my wife for Christmas. The problem is; SHE HAS EVERYTHING. Any suggestions?

Carolyn Hax: No such thing. There is something she isn't buying, isn't doing, isn't saying that would make her eyes light up. Are you paying close enough attention to know it?

Wash, DC: I need a quick reality check here. Is it unreasonable of me to wish that my mother-in-law would give a small gift to my niece and nephew this Christmas. This is my husband and I's "first" Christmas and as a side note, my mother-in-law has already boughts gifts for the children that her daughter babysits for. My husband gently suggested the idea to her, and her response was that she didn't want my sister to feel that she needed to buy her something. Am I being too sensitive?

Carolyn Hax: Yup.

Fairfax, VA: What's your problem? Why do call someone a baby because she's unhappy that her son never comes around on her birthday? You missed a good opportunity to tell Cletus to skip skiing for once and help his Mom celebrate the big 60. Unless she was a mean or otherwise rotten parent, isn't he the baby here?

Carolyn Hax: Oh please. My parents have been happily celebrating her birthdays without their children since the kids left home. A card, a gift, a phone call, and a little perspective, maybe? Grown children have lives.

Carolyn Hax: That should do it till Friday. Thanks for checking in, and I'm sorry the server wasn't cooperating, uh gain. Oh, and I'd be interested to hear if anyone's had trouble finding the column (not the discussions or transcripts) online. I've been getting some complaints...