Abigail Trafford

Andrew Cherlin, professor in the Department of Sociology at Johns Hopkins University, was our guest for this week's "Health Talk." Dr. Cherlin studies the effects of family changes on the well-being of children.

Please read the transcript below.

Abigail Trafford: Everybody have a nice Thanksgiving? With ALL the family? Including stepchildren and stepinlaws? Holidays are prime time for "blended families." How do you make it work? Our guest is an expert on remarriage and children. Send us your questions and comments.

Abigail Trafford: Dr. Cherlin, welcome to Health Talk. You have pioneered a lot of research into this subject: Remarried with children. People tend to think that remarriage is a solution to divorce. But for children, the remarriage of a parent may be more traumatic that the breakup. Why is this? What's going on here?

Andrew Cherlin: Just as your parents' divorce can causes adjustment problems, so can your custodial parent's remarriage. It means that a new person is in the household who may compete for the custodial parent's attention. It means a complex new family system, often with stepsiblings and other step-relatives, which may take some time to figure out and get used to. It takes some work to make it succeed!

Abigail Trafford: Andy, what should parents expect when they remarry? Any advice on how to deal with the children?

Andrew Cherlin: Parents should take it slow and easy. Allow children time to adjust gradually to the new person in the home. Don't expect an instant Brady Bunch. And for stepparents, I would say: ease into the family. Don't expect to step right in and function like a biological parent, at least not at first. Strive at first to be like a "kindly uncle" or "kindly aunt."

Abigail Trafford: What should children keep in mind when they come to "meet" the step parent. We tend to focus on very young children--under ten years old. But in many instances, the children are teenagers or young adults. How is the experience different at different age groups?

Andrew Cherlin: I think that the transition is hardest for children in the young adolescent years, when they are coming to terms with their own changes. Children should keep in mind, if they can, that this person isn't elbowing them away from their parent -- that they don't need to compete with the new stepparent for their parent's time and affection.

Abigail Trafford: Are there danger signs in kids that parents should look out for? When are children being difficult, but normal, in their adjustment to a stepparent. And when is there a problem that needs professional help?

Andrew Cherlin: It's hard to tell, of course, whether kids' problems have to do with the presence of a stepparent or with other issues in their lives. But I think parents of teens should be on the lookout for disengagement -- for kids who are distancing themselves greatly from the household, not wanting to spend time there, not coming home when they should. That could indicate a teen who is having difficulty accepting the new blended family.

Washington, DC: Going by the article in today's Health Section there are nothing good about re-marriage into a step-family situation, at least for the children. But what about for the parent? Is there not some benefit to the child to have a happy parent?

No mention was made also of step-families where the new parents have a baby together in addition to the step-children. What about that situation?

Are there any books that he can recommend on the subject that may present a more balanced viewpoint?

Abigail Trafford: Yea, we don't want the pendulum to swing too far on the negative side. Marriage is always about hope. What are some positives for children in remarriage?

Andrew Cherlin: The positives include a second parent to help the biological parent do a better job. The positives can include, as the writer says, a happier parent. And the positives often include a higher family income -- sometimes substantially higher than a single parent had before remarrying.

Fairfax, VA: I am reading alot of negative information. Is there any positive information available to support couples in a blended family situation?

Abigail Trafford: What are the keys to success? Are there some essential common ingredients that make it a positive experience? At least, on balance? And what about time. Does it get better with time?

Andrew Cherlin: It does get better with time. A key is to avoid the urge to rush things. Let the blended family emerge slowly, on its own time schedule. Don't rush stepchildren into lots of activities with their stepparent until the children have had a chance to be comfortable. And do have the stepparent offer a sympathetic ear and friendly assistance to the stepchild.

McLean, VA: I am a divorced and remarried steparent, mother of 3 and steparent to 2, all teens. So I know about being a stepmother. My children's stepmother, who married my husband after having an affair with him, wants to 'forgive and forget' and be friends. I am most uncomfortable with this and with the physical affection she lavishes on my children when we happen to be together. She seems intent on establishing a close relationship with them and in parenting them sometimes more than their own father. This is less than acceptable to me. Is there anything I can say or do to make this woman more sensitive to my position? I did not choose to share my children with her and yet I must.

Abigail Trafford: This is tough. What are the rules for how exes and current wives or husbands should behave toward each other? This is another area of tremendous stress that spills over to the children.

Andrew Cherlin: Biological mothers don't have to be friends with their children's stepmother. They don't have to personally like them. But, if possible, they accept that it's better for their children to have a warm stepmother than a cold stepmother. And, if possible, they should try to work out a businesslike relationship with a stepmother who is, after, going to be involved in their children's daily lives.

Abigail Trafford: Is the burden of "blending" the family greater on the woman? The stereotype of the Stepmother--"StepMonster"--is very common. What's behind the sterotype? And what can be done to remove the stigma?

Andrew Cherlin: Research does indeed suggest that it's harder to be a stepmother than to be a stepfather. For one thing, the biological mother is usually still a part of the stepchild's lives -- and it can be hard to have two mothers. But because many divorced dads fade out of their parents' lives, stepfathers sometimes have little competition.

Abigail Trafford: Is there a way to prepare children BEFORE the wedding? How?

Andrew Cherlin: I would suggest a series of low-pressure activities and visits that gently and gradually give children the picture that the new family will be a good one for them.

Abigail Trafford: What is the impact on children when remarried parents have a baby? Many children in blended families also have half-brothers and sisters. Is this also traumatic for a child? More than having a sibling in an "original" family?

Andrew Cherlin: The impact of having a new baby isn't necessarily bad on the half-siblings. I think it's important for the parents of the new child to act in ways that make it clear to the half-siblings they their place in the family has not been diminished.

Centreville,VA: Dr. Cherlin:

I am a divorce father planning on getting married next May. My daughter (4 yrs old) lives with her mother in NJ. My daughter has a wonderful relationship with my fiance. She enjoys visiting and spending time at her new home in VA. My question is what is the best way to cope-explain to her that daddy is marrying someone?

Andrew Cherlin: I think you should find an occasion to talk to her directly about it. I think you will find that young children have an easier time accepting a remarriage than do older children.

Abigail Trafford: How do children cope with having a mother and a stepmother? If a child grows close to a step mother, is there a problem with the biological mother? The same is true with fathers and stepfathers. How can parents help their children sort this out?

Andrew Cherlin: This one demands great patience on the part of both mothers. What works best is to allow the child to have a relationship with both parents -- although it won't be (and needn't be) the identical relationship.

Alexandria, VA: I am a stepparent survivor, at least so far. My stepchildren are now 27, 34, and 40, but they still do not fully accept me and I doubt they ever will. However, I have tried, good lord I've tried.

My question is: Why is so little written about the stepparent's dilemma? Today's article had a big block on the child's perspective - which is tremendously important - but no corresponding block for us. I think women have the more difficult role of the two parents, since they are usually the homemakers even if they work full-time. Stepmoms can never do anything right. To work all week, then spend your weekend with a stepchild who is critical of every thing from the meals to how their bed was made is very, very stressful. During my years, it nearly robbed me of my sanity. As a normal natural parent, my husband viewed his kids through rose-colored glasses. Rational discussion was just about impossible.

I think any practical suggestions for stepparents who are in this situation would be helpful. I did learn one trick from a fellow stepmom. When her stepkids made faces at her pot roast one time too many, she simply stopped cooking for them. She bought sandwich meat and let them fix their own meals. After a while, they asked her if she could cook one of those roasts again soon. I tried this approach, and it does work.

Andrew Cherlin: Being a stepmom IS hard, and I think that sometimes stepmoms are too hard on themselves. Don't expect to move in and be an instant mom. Don't get disappointed in yourself if that doesn't happen. Don't blame yourself if the relationsip with your stepchildren is good but not like a "real mother." Being a stepparent is different -- and that's OK.

Abigail Trafford: What kind of living arrangements foster good relationships in "blended" families. Sometimes children live with one biological parent in a blended family and visit the other parent from time to time. Sometimes, they split the time. Are there any guidelines?

Andrew Cherlin: This is not a copout, but what works best differs from family to family. Each one has to work out a schedule for visiting and custody that feels best. What's most important is for the two households, if possible, to work together to make the transitions from house to house as seamless as possible for the children.

Abigail Trafford: Second marriages are more likely to end in divorce than first marriages. A key factor seems to be the presence of children? Why is this? You'd think that two adults would be able to deal successfully with the issues of their children.

Andrew Cherlin: True, but children can create complicated situations, which can cause conflict. And remarried adults, by definition, are people who are willing to leave a marriage if it's not going well.

Abigail Trafford: Andy, what does the research say about children in conflict-ridden marriages? How do they fare--in school, in emotional well-being--compared to children in single-parent households?

Andrew Cherlin: Children whose parents are in conflict-ridden marriages do worse than children in any other situation. Worse then children in single-parent families or in blended families.

That doesn't mean that you should divorce for the sake of the children if you a merely bored with your spouse. But it does suggest that conflict is what hurts children the most.

Rockville, MD: I married a man that was not involved in his son's life (except to pay child support). At 25 his son contacted him, I welcomed him, and his wife, and made our home their home too. The wife turned on me, I bowed out and suggested my husband and his son develop their relationship and encouraged this all the way. My husband is now very angry that I am not involved. There is a very large extended family to be involved in. My husband always looked to me to create and keep alive all social functions. This has gone beyond a social function and is now coming between us. My husband has expressed to me on numerous occasions that he does not feel a bond with this young man, but now an obligation only. The young man now has a daughter that his father has only seen 3 times in 17 months and is asking for money also. What do you feel is my obligation? Thank you.

Andrew Cherlin: I don't think it's your responsibility. I think men need to take responsibility for helping to maintain family ties.

Harpers Ferry, WV: A not uncommon situation occurs when the new custodial stepparent attempts to usurp the parental role of the non-custodial parent-with the support of the custodial parent. A pretend nuclear family. How do you recommend that the non-custodial parent handle this, and what caveats would you offer to the "custodial" stepparent in this situation?

Andrew Cherlin: I think that the non-custodial parent should remember that his/her children know the difference between their biological parents and their stepparents. Kids know which parents are there for them in the long run, and they value that kind of tie more than the ties to someone who may take them to the movies and the park a lot.

Abigail Trafford: What the best thing a father can do for his ex-wife when he remarries and starts another family? And vice versa, what can a mother do for her ex-husband when she remarries and creates another family?

Andrew Cherlin: Tell your new partner that s/he is not expected to be a full-fledged parent, at least not right away. Tell your partner to aim for a relationship that is somewhere between a friend and a parent. It usually works better, and it is easier to attain.

Maryville, TN: I don't have a question. I have a serious concern about people who meddle into other peoples lives causing them undue worry and disharmony. After I read the article in todays Post I felt as though I had been raped. I am working hard on making a stepfamily work. Yes it is hard but it can work and it can be a GOOD THING. I have found many blessings within this new family that we are putting together and am appauled and offended at the things said. Especially when the author was actually PROUD that two couples had decided not to get married after speaking to them! How egotistical can a person get!!!

Abigail Trafford: Your thoughts, Andy? Are there situations involving children that would make a couple think twice about getting married? Or are there usually other issues as well. It takes courage to get married! A necessary ingredient in all this is love. The hardest challenge and greatest reward of all. . .

Andrew Cherlin: Well, getting remarried is challenging. It has some risks. But many couples make it work very well, and many stepparents develop excellent relationships with their stepchildren. Perhaps we can learn from them how others can do it better.

Gaithersburg, MD: Today's story made passing reference to the fact that step-siblings in blended families theoretically could date one another. What kinds of cautions should couples take in that area?

Andrew Cherlin: Most family therapists would tell you that stepsiblings should not be alllowed to have any kind of romantic relationship. What protects them best is to extend the incest taboo to cover them.

Bethesda, MD: After seven years of a remarriage, it has ended. We merged our families together, he with 2 children, and I with 3. While I can't say that the children were the sole contributing factor causing the demise of the marriage, I was, however, startled to hear my oldest daughter say that her step-father remained in her life longer than her biological father. How I help my children cope with this loss, although it was anticipated by all?

Abigail Trafford: This is really hard. How do you help children through a second divorce? How do they sort out their feelings for their former step parents?

Andrew Cherlin: It's very hard for children to cope with multiple losses. In this kind of case, it might be good if the mother can insure that the daughter can have a continuing relationship with the stepparent.

Abigail Trafford: Andy, I have some distant cousins--the mother remarried and blended a family. Her daughter and the son of her second husband fell in love and got married. Needless to say, family occasions were confusing. But isn't it the norm for families to be confusing? We have this mindset that the "normal family" is a forever married couple and two children. But isn't this the minority of situations in which children grow up?

Andrew Cherlin: The norm for families is confusing during changing times -- and the last half century has been a time of great changes in family lives. We now need to sort out all this change to decide whether your cousins' daughter should marry her stepsibling -- and whether Woody should have married Soon Yi.

Washington, DC: Seems to me that a single parent is placed in an impossible conflict if her kids don't get along with the new spouse. Would you advise folks in this situation to avoid getting married?

Abigail Trafford: Personally, I think it's sad if two people love each other very much and want to spend the rest of their lives together--and they don't get married--whatever the reason. But then, I'm a romantic. I can imagine some situations where you cannot get married. But if you don't get married because of the children, think of the guilt you are laying on your children? Is that really the reason you didn't get married? What do you think, Andy?

Andrew Cherlin: I think you should marry but you should be realistic in your expectations about how your children will feel about it. Keep lines of communications open to them. Don't demand that they do more with the new family than they want to.

Washington, DC: I've read that there's some truth to the "wicked stepmother" stereotype. How common is it for stepchildren to be mistreated, either emotionally or physically?

Andrew Cherlin: The wicked stepmother myth comes from a bygone age when men frequently lost wives in childbirth and had to remarry quickly to keep the farm going. It doesn't apply to our times.

Abigail Trafford: Well, we haven't solved the millenium-old dilemma of how to have a happy family. Marriage, divorce, remarriage, cohabitation are all common milestones in our society--and are likely to increase as people live longer and longer. But it's reassuring that people keep trying. . . . Thank you Andrew Cherlin very much for your expertise. Next week we'll tackle Memory: what is it. How you can keep it. Join us same time, same place.