Heidi E. Murkoff, co-author of the bestselling series of parenting guides that include What to Expect When You're Expecting and What to Expect the Toddler Years, will answer your questions about how to keep toddlers – and their parents – happy during the holidays.

Murkoff was in her first pregnancy when she conceived of the idea for writing a book that would provide pregnant women with month-by-month information while empathizing with their doubts and worries. That book blossomed into the What to Expect series, co-written with her mother and sister, which has sold nearly 18 million copies.

Murkoff is working on a new group of books and has started the What to Expect Foundation, which works to provide information about pregnancy and child-rearing to low-income families.

Send your questions and comments in advance or during the discussion.

washingtonpost.com: Hello, and welcome to washingtonpost.com's second week of Schools & Kids, a live discussion about education and parenting. We have Heidi Murkoff with us this week, and lots of questions, so let's get started.

Orono, ME: Bah! HUmbug! My 8-month old daughter has been in the intensive care unit for more than a month recovering from heart surgery. She's not likely to be home by Christmas, and as you can probably guess, my wife and I are feeling less than merry. Our problem, however, is that we have two other children for whom Christmas is a very big deal. Is it best to go through the motions, even though our heart isn't really in it?

Heidi Murkoff: It's absolutely important not to just go through the motions but to make a real effort for the two kids at home, who are probably feeling a great deal of your stress and anxiety as well as some of their own. Children tend to blame themselves for bad things that happen in the family even if they have nothing to do with it, and so you need to be extremely sensitive to their needs, and to let them know that it's okay to be happy and to have a Merry Christmas even in the face of this great sadness and family crisis -- that they shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to celebrate Christmas.

It would also be good for them, even if the 8-month-old is too young and sick to know the difference, to make some cards and decorations for the hospital room, so they have the sense that they're helping to put their baby sister in the holiday spirit.

I think it's also important to spend some time, as little as you have, taking care of your own needs and your needs as a couple. Venting a lot of the feeling you have, not to the children but to each other, and to other people who will listen, will help. You should not feel guilty about not feeling festive. On the other hand, the children shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to celebrate a very special holiday, which shouldn't come to a screeching halt because of other circumstances.

Good luck!! And hopefully have a Merry Christmas.

Washington DC: My 22 month old throws small scale tantrums when she's told she can't have a cookie, more ice cream, those sorts of things. I ignore the crying,but during this she cries "up up", wanting me to pick her up. Do you think picking her up at this point in the crying spell is "giving in" to bad behavior?

Heidi Murkoff: When children have tantrums and feeling totally out of control, if you don't want them to have a cookie you shouldn't give them the cookie, but what you don't want to withhold is love. You should never give in to a tantrum because of course that would reinforce the behavior, but one of the best ways to deal with a tantrum once it's started with a lot of kids is a hug -- hug therapy. If that's what your child is clamoring for, it could be that that's what she really wants, instead of the cookie.

But a few general guidelines. It's very important to understand why toddlers have tantrums. It's a very normal part of being a toddler. For the first time in this young child's life, she is no longer an extension of Mommy and Daddy's arms. She's her own little person on her own two little feet and what you have is, I am toddler, Hear me roar! In other words, they're separating, they're learning to become independent. That's a very exhilirating feeling, but also an unsettling one.

Then you have the frustration factor: a toddler is small than everybody else, she has bigger people all around her telling her what to do and what not to do. She has limited communication skills, so often the best way to express how she's feeling is to kick and scream. Her motor skills can't yet keep pace with what it is she wants to do, and the result is a whole lot of frustration, which can spark frustration.

The best ways to deal with a tantrum is ignoring the crying, trying a little hug therapy, but most of all, prevention, which would mean not allowing the frustration to get to that level.

Fairfax, Va,.: Help!! My almost 2-1-2-year-old son, formerly a champion sleeper, has been on a sleep boycott since I went back to work about 10 weeks ago. He won't go to bed until 11 p.m. -vs. 8 p.m. previously-, is often up during the night and then wakes up about 6 a.m. He takes a 2-hour nap at daycare, but not at home on the weekends. He's tired -my husband and I are exhausted- but just won't sleep. This started about the same time he figured out how to climb out of his crib and over the child-gate at his bedroom door. He was already going to day care part time, so my returning to work shouldn't have been such a shock, plus it has always been his routine that my husband bathes him and puts him to bed.

Heidi Murkoff: It sounds like there's a couple of factor involved here, number one, being able to climb out of his crib. If he's able to do that, it's time to switch to a bed, and what that will mean is he will be able to escape much more easily than previously, but it will be safer.

It also sounds like that going back to work has something to do with him wanting to spend more time with Mommy and Daddy, which is why he may be fighting bedtime, and that's understandable. What I would recommend is trying to minimize the stress, as hard as that's going to be, and the catching up on mail and phone calls after work, until after he's in bed. I would use those two hours or so that you have with him to spend some quiet, quality time. And if that means that you postpone your dinner until after he's in bed, that's fine. Instead, focus on quiet games, reading books, the bedtime ritual. And if it seems that he's craving time with Mom, then maybe she can take over at least part of the bedtime ritual's that's been Dad's. But here's the important part: you have to be loving, but you have to be firm about the bedtime. The bedtime ritual should be unhurried, but once he's in bed, he needs to know that's where he's going to stay. And that means replacing him four, six, eight times before he realizes you mean business, that's fine. Again, be loving but firm.

Riverside, NJ: My daughters are 3, 6 and 8. How do I handle questions about school violence? I try to shield them from intense news programs, but of course they hear things at school. I want to be honest with them, but I don't want to frighten them unneccessarily.

Heidi Murkoff: You're very wise not to want to scare them, because they will hear enough that will scare them in the media without your adding to that load. It's important to be honest, but to explain that actually it is very rare. We hear about it in the media, but most school days are uneventful for the vast majority of children. Reassure them that they are safe.

It's important to do the same thing with any issue to reinforce that in reality, they are safe. They need to know they're not going to go to school and be shot at just because some other kids were.

Atlanta, Ga: I have a 2 year old little girl. Her Daddy just recently died after a 6 month fight with cancer. What changes and signs should I look for in her since she can't voice her loss the same way an adult would?

Heidi Murkoff: She will not react the same way that you will, because there will be a sense of unreality about it. She can't possibly understand the finality of death, but she will notice that her father won't be there. And how toddlers react? It's more often will manifest itself in clinginess--she may be very clingy. She may have more temper tantrums. Problems with sleep, and with eating. What she needs is lots of reassurance and lots of love from you, which I'm sure you're giving to her.

Some kids may not react much at all, at least initially, and that's fine too. She's going to have a hard time understanding the concept, and you need to give her permission to be happy, even if you're not happy, to play and be a kid. She shouldn't have to feel these adult feelings.

As she gets older it's important to keep the memory of her father alive in a really positive way, by looking at photo albums, by looking at videos of her father.

And it's also important for you to have your needs filled. You will be your daughter's lifeline here, and if your needs are not taken care of you will not be able to help your daughter as well. Don't be afraid of occasionally crying in front of her, because that's part of being human, having emotions. But if the grief becomes unbearable and prevents you from helping her with your needs, then make sure you get some help in coping with it. And lots of luck!!

McLean, VA: We have 2 children; a boy -23 months- and a girl -2 months-. My question pertains to bottle feeding breast fed babies. Recently, we've been having trouble giving our daugther a bottle -breast milk inside-. We tried different nipples, holding her differently, singing, temperature of milk, different times, etc. Two weeks ago she had no problems taking the bottle but now all of a sudden she hates the thing. We try to be consistent with trying to give her a bottle a day and even started her at 3 weeks old. It's not that we need her to take it, but it's nice to have the option to give the babysitter when we are out. Do you have any suggestions? Comments?

Heidi Murkoff: As babies get older, they get more set in their ways, as well as more attached to the breast. At two months, a baby is more likely to be open to a bottle than at three months, and at three months more likely than at six months. So your situation isn't unusual.

And some babies just don't like the bottle. In some families, that's not a good enough excuse, because Mom has to go back to work and there's just no option but to have the child take the bottle. There are several more tricks you can try, including warming the nipple so it's a little closer to feeling like flesh. You can try giving her the bottle when she's slightly sleepy, or even rousing her slightly to take the bottle. She may be so sleepy she might not notice that's she's taking it. I'm sure y ou've already tried Dad giving the bottle or a babysitter giving the bottle, since babies can smell Mom's milk a mile away. Mom should not be the one offering the bottle. And go on being consistent, because your tricks may eventually work, especially if she's hungry enough. You can also give her the bottle to play with, to see if she'll take it, so she can get friendlier with it and become more amenable to taking it.

But if none of these tricks work and there is no great pressure on you to get her to take the bottle, then consider skipping it. Because that way, you will have one less thing to wean her off of later on. Babies should be weaned off a bottle by a year, and if you start her early on the cup, say at five or six months, then you can use that occasionally for supplementation.

Marietta, Georgia: My 2 1-2 yr old son has no patience for sitting in a cart in any store. He is constantly screaming and carrying on like I was beating him. I have learned to tune him out but it infuriates me that I cannot take him into any public store, unless we are moving at a rapid pace. I can't stop to look at anything without him acting up. Any ideas, I have tried to bring along his "guys" to entertain him, a drink, a snack, but to no avail.

Heidi Murkoff: There are very few 2 1/2 year olds who enjoy going shopping, and if you think about it, for good reason. You know you have to go shopping because you need to bring food home. The toddler does not have this kind of perspective on the excursion to the supermarket. And toddlers are most happy when their needs are being met, which is completely age appropriate, since toddlers are by nature egocentric and they need to learn about and care about themselves and their own needs before they can learn about and care about the needs of others.

That said, you still need to get the marketing done. If you must leave home with your toddler, and I would definitely recommend the option of a babysitting co-op with your friends, where you each take turns watching the kids at home and going shopping by yourself. If you can't manage that, then head for the supermarket with a game plan. Be prepared to move quickly, but also to try as much as possible to engage your son in the task at hand.

Toddlers love to be helpers, and if he's acting up, chances are you're not paying a whole lot of attention to him in the market, which is understandable, since you have a shopping list to deal with. But try enlisting him as your shopping helper. You can hand him the box of cereal for him to place in the cart behind him. You can have him hold the plastic bag open while you count oranges into it. You can even, if you're feeling very brave, let him pick out a few string beans for the bag. The more involved he is, and occupied, the more shopping you will get done. And you can also try to sing songs together, play I Spy games. You can have him look for a certain shapes, or as he starts recognizing colors, look for colors, or a certain breakfast cereal from the shelf. Bottom line: keep him busy.

Rockville, MD: I've read several books on parenting, and the biggest problem I have with them is that they almost universally play down the role of the father. Inevitably, the father is reduced to the mother's help-mate, rather than the integral partner in child-rearing that he should be. My question is whether you think there is a bias against fathers in this society, and if that in turn affects the way that men approach fatherhood. I guess I'm thinking about the proliferation of movies like Big Daddy, that essentially show fathers to be incompetnent, irresponsible boobs.

Heidi Murkoff: You've got a point! I believe there is cultural bias against fathers being active parenting partners. And I think it obviously dates way, way, way back. Fathers have come a really long way in the space of just one generation. When our fathers were fathering, their involvement was traditionally limited to teaching their son how to play baseball, reading an occasional story, attending school functions. But they were not often in the trenches.

Slowly but surely, the father's role has been changing. And it is my hope that it will continue to change. I certainly recommend that fathers play an active role from the pregnancy, by attending prenatal visits, through the delivery, and as soon as the baby comes home. There is nothing that a mother can do--with the exception of breastfeeding--that a father can't do equally well if not better. And that goes for changing diapers, it goes for rocking babies to sleep, it goes for getting toddlers dressed and bathed, it goes for everything.

Part of the problem often lies with the mother. Though she may say he never helps out, she may also be the first one to criticize him when he tries to help out. The other problem is many fathers have not had a role model of a nurturing father, and that's why it is so important for this generation of young boys to get the message early on that real men change diapers--that real men nurture their children. They may do it slightly differently, but that's a difference that research has shown is very, very beneficial to growing children.

So I say: Father power!

Bethesda, MD: Do you have any advice on how to deal with a child that is mean to other children them is sad no one will play with them?
Also, any ideas on how to deal with the difficult child in general?

Heidi Murkoff: It's very important to deal with this issue early on, so that the child doesn't continue to have social problems once they get into school and which could continue to get worse and worse. It's necessary to put them in situations where, first of all, you can supervise, and where they can succeed socially. And then when you catch them doing something "mean," not to yell, not to punish, but to take the child aside and explain how the other child might be feeling--by trying to teach empathy--which doesn't come necessarily easily or naturally and is best taught by example, by being a kind, empathetic person yourself (which, by the way, I'm not suggesting you're not.) But go out of your way to point out how people feel in certain situations.

For instance: being especially nice to the woman at the supermarket check-out, and explaining afterward that "I was nice to that lady and that made her feel good, that made her smile." By sharing with your child--by showing how to share, by sharing with him. So you can, for instance, say you're eating your favorite muffin, you can say to your child: "You know I like to share, I like to share with you, Here's a piece of my muffin." That speaks volumes on the right way to treat people. And if your child hits or doesn't share during a play group, you should intervene immediately and explain how he made the other child feel with that behavior.

Just as important, or even more important, is positive reinforcement of good behavior, catching your child being kind of generous, and saying, "You played so nicely with Abby today, and that made her very happy."

Hyattsville, MD: Do 3-1-2 year olds have ears? My daughter has real trouble listening. I try to be specific in my requests: not "clean up these toys" but "let's put all the crayons in that bin so that they won't get stepped on and broken." It doesn't work -very often-. I have been known to raise my voice, yes, yell after repeated attempts. I've restricted treats -Candyland game, computer games, videos- but I'm tired of threats. We NEVER hit her. Do you have any hints or ideas? She's a smart kid and loves to read and is really fun.

Heidi Murkoff: Three-and-a-half-year-old have ears, they just use them selectively. Often, especially a very bright child, becomes so involved in the story they're looking at or the game they're playing, that they actually don't really hear you--they tend to tune you out. It helps to get down to their level and make eye contact as you speak, not raising your voice, and you're certainly wise not to make threats. Instead, because she's probably a very creative child, I would prefer to make games out of chores, or challenges out of them. You can put the cleaning up of crayons to a song, or you can challenge her to see who can pick up with most crayons. But if she refuses and the crayons do get broken, it's important to point out the natural consequences of her actions and not replace the crayons so quickly. Because one of the best ways to discipline is having the child experience the natural consequences of actions, or lack of actions. "Ooops--the crayons got stepped on, not we can't color. Next time, we better put the crayons in the box."

Washington, DC: I've read all the books and articles on this issue, but I guess I'm searching for any new thoughts on this subject. My three year old son is basically potty trained, but he refuses to have a bowel movement in the potty - only in a diaper. We encourage him, but do not pressure him. Any advice?

Heidi Murkoff: That is a very common problem, because a lot of kids don't feel comfortable with having their bowel movements in the potty. Positive reinforcement is great, as well as actual reward. For many things, like cleaning up the room, you shouldn't attach a prize, because those are things a child has to do every day. But for one-time developmental achievements, such as using the potty, they work very well.
So you can use a potty chart with stickers, with a certain number of bowel movements in the potty resulting in a toy or a special privilege.

But you're very wise not to pressure, because there are a great number of things you can force a child to do against his will, but this is not one of them. This is one area where a child can withhold quite effectively. And unfortunately, withholding in this case can lead to constipation, which can be quite painful, and can make the whole thing a vicious cycle--where he starts to associate bowel movements with pain. And if constipation is playing any part of this, and to make sure that it doesn't, I would step up the fiber. Make sure he gets plenty of fresh fruits and dry fruits, and fluids. And if he's using a potty seat on a toilet, it might be a better idea to use a potty chair. If he can plant his feet on the ground, he may feel a lot safer making the bowel movement, and it may be easier for him to push in that position.

By the way, I am starting a new series of illustrated picture books coming out in May for children, and one of the first four is "What to Expect When You Use the Potty."

Arlington, VA: My daughter is 2 years and 4 months and is not talking yet. I try not to compare but I'm a little concerned because her older sister was very verbal at an early age. And, the pediatrician suggested that my toddler's hearing be tested since it was not done at birth. She's being brought up in a bilingual house and says some words in English and Spanish. She makes herself understood and follows verbal commands, yet her vocabulary is minimal. Do you think there's cause for worry?

Heidi Murkoff: It's always important to have hearing checked whenever there's any concern. However, there are a lot of factors in play here which might be interfering with early verbal development. Number One, the fact that she is an individual, completely different from her sister. Number two, if her sister is very verbal, there's a good chance that she isn't able to get a work in edgewise. This is very common with second children. Also, the fact that if she's able to make herself understood, the need for verbal language isn't as pressing to her. And then of course, the fact that your family is bilingual, which, sometimes, initially slows down verbal development--not in a lasting way, just initially, because she's learning two langauges at once. If she's able to understand commands, and she's able to follow directions, chances are she can hear--though she should be tested as a precaution.

When she uses non-verbal forms of communication such as pointing, it's always a good idea to put into words what she's trying to express non-verbally. So when she points to the milk, you should say, Oh, you would like some milk. Here's some milk. Don't withhold the milk because she's not asking verbally, but every chance you get, put her more primitive communication into words and sentences. She will definitely catch up.

Riverside, NJ: I have 3 daughters, ages 8, 6 and 3. They are in 2nd grade, 1st grade and Nursey School respectivley. Although they seem to thrive at school and are doing very well, they all have occassional times when I practically carry them to their classrooms. They cry and cling to me. Im not surprized by this in my 3 year old. But I am unsure of how to handle it with the older 2. I obviously have to send them to school. There are no reasons that the girls give me or the teachers can see that would cause fear of school in my girls.

Heidi Murkoff: Sounds like there may be something of a domino effect going on here. Crying and clinginess can be contagious, so that they actually seem like the thing to do. The reason for that is, when you cling and you cried and you get carried, you're obviously getting a lot of attention. So it could be that one of them is the one in need, and the other two respond in the same way just so they can get their share of that attention.

So I wouldn't worry about it, but I would try to reinforce the behavior that you desire, which would be when they walk into school on their own, offer positive reinforcement, and even extra hugs, because that may be exactly what they want. And don't let them get the sense that you are stressed or upset by their behavior, because that will increase their anxiety, which would increase the behavior you're trying to decrease. As much as possible, you should remain calm and cheerful and happy on the way to school. Distract them by asking them questions, and get them involved in the day before they get there. And hopefully the positive reinforcement will do the trick.

washingtonpost.com: Thanks so much, Heidi, for answering so many questions. And we hope readers will join us next week when we have Jabari Asim, the children's book reviewer for The Washington Post's Book World, online. See you Wednesday at 1 p.m.

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