By Tony Kornheiser
Washington Post Staff Writer
Sunday, April 26, 1998; Page F01

For all you people learning to speak English, it is critical that you know the difference between "important" and "impotent."

They may sound alike. But believe me, they are not.

One suggests you are a big man. And the other . . . ah, the other does not.

I bring this up because of the arrival of Viagra, the $10 pill that treats impotence.

You heard right: only $10, and you can perform well enough to earn a spot in the Clarence Thomas Video Collection.

On a personal level, I'm thrilled about this medical breakthrough. Not that I've ever had a problem like that. Me? Oh no. Never. I don't care what you heard about New Year's Eve. I had four glasses of wine. I was tired. It was the wine. Honest.

Isn't science wonderful? Last year they came out with a pill, Propecia, that grows hair. The drawback: It can take away your sex drive. But now I can pop a bald pill, then take the impotence pill. I just have to be very careful to take the pills in the right sequence.

I wouldn't want to reach for my comb and find an oar in my pocket instead.

As you might imagine, the demand for Viagra has been overwhelming. At a Georgetown University clinic the phone system had to be adjusted to handle a flood of inquiries. Callers were instructed to "Press 3 for Viagra."

Wow, if you get potency on 3, whaddya get if you press 1 or 2?

"This is Heidi Fleiss. And how may I help you?"

Impotence is an embarrassing circumstance, a heartbreaking failure. People who make jokes about it are cruel and insensitive; impotence isn't funny. It affects 30 million men -- most of whom have heard lines like, "Really, it's okay, honey, I understand. I didn't even notice. Oh, and how's little Johnny Spaghetti today?"

Scientists say the pill works by relaxing certain tissues, allowing blood to flow in. This creates a condition that medical professionals refer to as "Lorena's Wild Ride."

You must be forewarned, though, that Viagra has a limited window of opportunity. It works within an hour of taking it. Once that hour is up -- you're not. The clock is ticking. You can't afford to have a spat with your squeeze. Boy, has she got you over a barrel. What if you've only got 10 minutes left and she says the magic words, "Tiffany & Co."?

It occurs to me that the rising potency tide should float all boats, if you know what I mean. If this pill helps impotent men, think of the jump-start it can give the rest of us virile and studly hunks. I envision a horde of men pogo-sticking their way across this great land -- and women everywhere locking themselves in storm cellars, waiting for the Viagra Hour to pass.

Of course, the pill carries the proviso that it won't work if a man isn't sexually aroused.

Hahaha.

Like it's difficult to sexually arouse most men. Anything in bare legs walking by -- even Prince Charles in a kilt -- would work. Betty Rubble would work.

Here's a great practical joke: Slip President Clinton a potency pill.

But, you ask, what if he isn't feeling frisky within the hour?

I'll wait for the laughter to die down.

(Along this line, my friend Rich's father-in-law suggests that the Democratic candidate's campaign slogan in 2000 should be: "Win One for the Groper.")

Last week men were flocking to the Internet to obtain Viagra prescriptions. One Web site was actually called www.penispill.com. Presumably you could access it with most software.

The pill's reported side effects include indigestion and headaches, though the phrase "Not tonight, dear, I've got a headache" has yet to be uttered by any Viagra users. Curiously, some patients have noticed a temporary blue tinge to their vision.

It had to be blue, didn't it? (It had to be blue. I wandered around, and finally found somebody who would make me see blue.) Viagra gives new meaning to the song "Blue Moon" and to the phrase "Ol' Blue Eyes is back."

Sadly, there is already a fight over who will pay for Viagra prescriptions, the patient or the insurance carrier. Insurance companies do not want to be scammed by non-impotent men who are just being greedy. So users face the horrifying prospect of being asked to show documentation of impotence in order to purchase Viagra. What are you supposed to do, whip out a card that says "Certified Flaccid" or "Help, I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up"?

Gentlemen, we can agree that this is a great pill. Although, I must admit, perhaps not quite as great as a pill that would make a woman desire you with the overwhelming passion they'd lavish on Yanni all day, every day.

Men would pay way more than $10 for that pill.

Some would go as high as $12.50.