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Style Showcase SATIRE
I Logged Lewinsky

By Tony Kornheiser

Sunday, February 8, 1998; Page F01

White House Log. Dec. 11, 1996: M. Lewinsky arrived, seeking meeting with president on "a matter of grave economic importance." Spent 15 minutes in Oval Office with door closed. Upon leaving Lewinsky was overheard saying, "Then I can put you down for two boxes of Thin Mints, two Samoas and a box of Trefoils?"

White House Log. April 14, 1997: M. Lewinsky arrived for "Cabinet-level discussion of troop deployment in Bosnia." Had one question before private meeting with president. "How do you spell 'Bosnia'?"

White House Log. July 13, 1997: M. Lewinsky cleared to enter after confusion at security gate, where she claimed to have a package for the president. "Actually," she clarified, "I am the package for the president."

Don't ask me how I obtained the annotated "Lewinsky Logs."

All I can say is it was rough. Rougher than being Linda Tripp's hairdresser.

According to White House records, Monica "The Sweetheart of Rodeo Drive" Lewinsky made 37 visits to the White House between April 1996 and December 1997. This was after Lewinsky left her job at the White House for her job at the Pentagon. That's a lot of return visits to the White House for an intern. That would be about 37 more than Warren Christopher.

"It doesn't seem high to me," Lewinsky's lawyer, William Ginsburg, said of the number of visits.

Maybe not if she was working for Domino's.

White House Log. June 9, 1997: M. Lewinsky arrived for the seventh time in the last two weeks. "Hee-hee, I came back because I left my Tic-Tacs in my desk," she said." (Note from Betty Currie: Even though the door was closed, I heard everything, right?)

I'm sure there are many explanations besides sex why Monica Lewinsky had such free and easy access to the president of the United States.

Um, just give me a second here.

Ummm.

Oh! Ginsburg has asserted that his client and the president were "colleagues."

White House Log. Nov. 2, 1997: M. Lewinsky arrived and identified herself as having "served the president in a variety of positions." She was wearing a long T-shirt dress and carrying a book of poetry she said was given to her by "The Creep." (Note from Betty: Is this when she turned the gifts over to me?)

Of course it's possible that Monica wasn't there to see the president at all. Kenneth Starr has twice called White House valet Bayani Nelvis to testify. Nelvis is said to have been fast friends with Monica; the two reportedly dined together, and exchanged gifts. (Was Monica an intern or a catalogue rep for Lillian Vernon?) Maybe it was Nelvis whom Monica went to see 37 times.

White House Log. Nov. 10, 1997: M. Lewinsky departed abruptly when informed, "Nelvis has left the building."

I realize that by concentrating on an inconsequential scandal that I am giving terribly short shrift to political issues of great importance. For example, last week President Clinton presented the nation with its first balanced budget in 30 years. Wow. That's swell.

Now back to Monica:

I worried about her being so cooped up here in Washington. I worried she wasn't eating correctly. ("Who's Feeding Lewinsky?" was actually a suggested Style story.) I worried she'd blow up like the Hindenburg if all she ate were the Dunkin' Donuts her Watergate neighbor Bob Dole brought over.

I worried she wasn't able to do much of anything -- except, apparently, tell everybody in the world that she was having sex with the president of the United States. She told her high school friends. She told her college friends. From everything I read in Newsweek and People, the last two folks in the country to know were me and Hillary.

So I was glad to see Monica return home to Beverly Hills this week, in search of what her lawyer called a "normal" life. I think just about everyone in America thinks of Beverly Hills as a place where you can live a normal life -- after your cosmetic surgery scars have healed and you've undergone laser hair removal and colon hydrotherapy, of course.

"She wants to go shopping," Ginsburg said.

Of course she does. She needs some new outfits for the impeachment proceedings.

It's great that Monica's back in her element, and, like, what an element it is. Here is what Monica's classmate at Beverly Hills High, Eden Sassoon, daughter of Vidal Sassoon, told People magazine: "If we had, like, parties, Monica would be there. But, like, I wouldn't call up Monica and be, like, 'Hey, we're going to do this and that.' "

Thank you, Eden, I know it was difficult to, like, string as many as four words together in, like, English. Now go get yourself a Frappuccino before somebody from the New Yorker asks you to spell "cat."

I'm glad Monica's at home with her dad and her lawyer-on-a-leash. The only one I worry about now is Monica's mom, Marcia Lewis, the author. The two are supposedly very close. One story I read said they shared everything.

White House Log. Feb. 8, 1998: M. Lewinsky arrived at White House gate in long T-shirt dress, showed hopelessly outdated photo ID. Upon interrogation, visitor confessed to being Lewinsky's mother, Marcia Lewis. Asked to see president despite having no appointment. Bragged, "If he liked my daughter, he'll love me."

Excerpted from the forthcoming runaway bestseller "Bad Stuff About Monica Lewinsky." All rights reserved by Tony Kornheiser and Lucianne Goldberg.

© Copyright 1998 The Washington Post Company

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