Another Pizza My Heart
By Tony Kornheiser
The Lewinsky Bandwagon. Week 6:
Rollin', rollin', rollin'.
The response is in, and it's overwhelming. Everybody loves The Lewinsky Bandwagon.
For example, reader Cindy Curtis from Reston, who writes: "Tony, Tony, Tony enough is enough. How much interest can you squeeze out of Lewinsky? I remain your loyal reader. But UGH!"
So for loyal readers like Ms. Curtis and my new best friend, Mr. William Ginsburg, Esq. and perhaps dozens more, The Lewinsky Bandwagon rolls on toward its ultimate destination: the E. Barrett Prettyman Courthouse in Washington, D.C., the site where Monica Lewinsky may someday testify. And perhaps even deliver a pizza, like she did to President Clinton in the Oval Office, according to his own deposition!
Which brings us to the first question in today's quiz.
Who was E. Barrett Prettyman?
No, everyone knows Mr. Prettyman was the plaintiff in an ill-fated plagiarism suit against Roy Orbison.
Today's first question is:
What toppings were on the pizza Ms. Lewinsky brought to the president?
a. Sausage and pepperoni.
b. Capers, olives and Kenneth Starr's bloody head.
(Forgive this intrusion, but I wanted to remind all loyal readers that fueling and caring for The Lewinsky Bandwagon costs money. We are looking for corporate sponsors compatible with Ms. Lewinsky's new lifestyle. Perhaps a personal shopping service. Or a computer so she can continue to blithely e-mail her days away. Or a deluxe hair tamer. A crate of Haagen-Dazs. Thank you.)
In the same deposition in which President Clinton remembered Monica "Deliver Me" Lewinsky bringing him a slice in the Oval Office, he also recalled having shagged Gennifer Flowers. Once. In 1977. (Once? Oh, please.) It must have been fabulous sex for him to remember it 21 years later, considering he can't even remember meeting Paula Corbin Jones. You'd think he would have remembered his sack time with Ms. Flowers in 1992 when "60 Minutes" asked him about it. This falls under the administration policy of "telling the truth slowly."
The big fish at the E. Barrett Prettyman Courthouse last week was Clinton's golfing goombah, Vernon Jordan. In recent weeks much has been said about the nature of their private conversations, which have been characterized as "locker room talk."
Locker room talk focuses on:
a. The pleasing aesthetics of the female physique.
b. The type of bath towels available in a locker room, their fluffiness, their absorbency, and whether bar soap or liquid soap produces the richer lather.
c. Are you an idiot? Hooters!
At the conclusion of his first day of testimony Jordan pledged his unending loyalty to President Clinton, saying, "Ours is . . . an enduring friendship based on mutual trust, respect and admiration. That was true yesterday. That is true today. And it will be true tomorrow."
Vernon Jordan is so loyal to Clinton that he:
a. Assured him Paula Corbin Jones was "bodacious."
b. Told the grand jury that he, not Monica Lewinsky, was having sex with Bill Clinton.
c. Wears a collar that says, "If found, please return to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue."
Except for one fancy dinner out we didn't see much of Monica last week. But her lawyer, "Bill" Ginsburg, was busy. He had a dustup with Ken "I Am the All-Powerful Oz" Starr. He swatted at a TV camera at Dulles on his way to California. And he made news with a bizarre revelation to Time magazine that he had "kissed that little girl's inner thighs when she was six days old I said, 'Look at those little pulkies.' "
"Pulkies" is an affectionate Yiddish term for drumsticks. One can only imagine the baffled look on the interviewer's face as Ginsburg scrambled to explain the avuncular innocence of that kiss. Time reported the word as "polkas," as if the Schmenge Brothers were in the room, and Ginsburg told me with a chuckle: "Never let a Time guy translate."
Yes, Ginsburg told ME!
He'd returned my call and said about last week's column, "There's no truth to the rumor that Wolf Blitzer and I are doing 'La Cage aux Folles' in summer stock. But he's leaving Lynn, and I am leaving Laura and we're moving in together."
Ginsburg also said, "You're making a mistake picking on me. I'm a nice guy."
Which explains why there's a shotgun seat for him here on The Lewinsky Bandwagon. Just don't hit me, Bill.
My other new best friend, literary agent Lucianne Goldberg who started The Lewinsky Bandwagon rolling by suggesting to Linda Tripp that she use a tape recorder instead of hot curlers also reported in to say that she enjoyed being called a shark in last week's column. She faxed me this statement: "When you don't get the royalties you are owed, and the publisher holds all your money as a reserve against returns who you gonna call? Someone with beautiful manners, or someone with TEETH?"
Incidentally, to clarify terms in Clinton's deposition, sexual relations were defined as "any contact with someone's groin, buttocks, breast or inner thigh if intended to stimulate sexual arousal." That lets Ginsburg off the hook for the pulkies deal, and it takes Spin the Bottle out of play. But I'm not sure about those other pizza party games, including "Hide the Pepperoni."
Excerpted from the forthcoming bestseller "Fun Facts About Bill and Lucianne." All rights reserved by Tony Kornheiser, Lucianne Goldberg and William Ginsburg.
© Copyright 1998 The Washington Post Company