Clinton Accused Special Report
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Today in Style SATIRE
A Coupla Chicks Talking

By Tony Kornheiser

Sunday, October 4, 1998; Page F01

It's Linda like you've never seen her before:

Linda Tripp, beauty consultant: "You in red. Yes. [But] just because you wear a red sweater does not mean you have to wear red lipstick. "

Linda Tripp, code master: "You can tell your grandchildren you had an affair with the you-know-what of the you-know-what."

Linda Tripp, comforter: "It's a taint on your integrity and your reputation and your character, all of which is so richly undeserved."

Linda Tripp, special friend: "And this outfit makes you look thin and beautiful."

Linda Tripp, she-wolf of the SS: "I really am finished, Monica. Share this sick situation with one of your other friends, because, frankly, I'm past nauseated about the whole thing."

Linda Tripp, blushing phone-sex apprentice: "You're so good at it. No wonder he likes phone sex with you. . . . You're just like a little Marilyn Monroe vixen. I know, in my wildest dreams, I could never have phone sex."

"Oh yes you could," Monica promised.

It's Monica as you've never dared dream.

Monica Lewinsky, biker chick: "He had a big scar on his forehead. And I like that."

Monica Lewinsky, hopeless romantic: "Why can't he just say, 'Look. Go enjoy your life, and in three years we'll get married'?"

Monica Lewinsky, realist: "My mom would vomit if she saw him."

Monica Lewinsky, minimalist: "My lawyer. He said, 'Did you ever have a sexual relationship, da, da, da?' And I said, 'No.' 'Was your job, da, da, da, da, da, ever connected with?' 'No.' 'Nah, nah, nah?' 'No.' . . . I said, 'Well shouldn't we put something there like I was 22 at the time? You know? Like, hell-o?' "

Monica Lewinsky, super-sleuth: "You know what's really weird? I keep hearing these double clicks."

"That's my gum," Linda said.

"Oh, okay."

These tapes are what all the fuss was about? This is what we get for $40 million?

A couple of lonely fat babes yapping? This is like a bad Wendy Wasserstein play.

Linda and Monica weren't the only things dumped into the public trough last week. There was also Sidney Blumenthal's exchange with Hillary Rodham Clinton, in which he talked to the first lady about Monica, and Hillary assured him the president was "ministering" to a troubled young person.

Oh, is that what they call it?

Who do I have to call to get ordained?

As conversations are revealed, words come back to haunt people. When Hillary did an interview on "Today" last January, host Matt Lauer asked about reports that the president had given Monica gifts. Praising her husband's generosity, Hillary said, "I've seen him take his tie off and hand it to somebody."

His tie? Hahaha.

As long as people are piling on Clinton, let me say for the record that like the Big Creep, I am outraged at the notion that anyone would think the president's latest offer to pay Paula Jones $700,000 would in any way imply that he was guilty of any wrongdoing in their relationship -- which, as I interpret it, was very brief and consisted of only a couple of words and a physical gesture indicating Mr. Clinton's pants were constricting him as he continued to do the people's business.

What's this country coming to if the president can't give some big-haired honey $700,000 just for the fun of it?

If Mrs. Jones doesn't want the money, sir, I do.

After reading these transcripts I feel terrible for Monica. Between her testimony to the grand jury and her conversations with Tripp, there doesn't seem to be anything left to tell us. Nobody wants her book. How's she going to make a buck off this, like everybody else? Now that Oprah's turned her down, she'll have to get in the pig pile with Roseanne: I can see it now: "Pooky and Baba: Hands Off My Man!"

All this new information will do, of course, is carve the political battle lines even more deeply. Even though recent polls indicate that a significant majority of the American people don't want Clinton to be impeached (notwithstanding the percentage who want him "strapped to a La-Z-Boy and forced to watch 'That '70s Show' until he screams for mercy"), Republicans continue to press for impeachment. House Judiciary Committee Chairman Henry "Mack Daddy" Hyde is getting ready for his star turn by trying to disassociate himself from his claim that having an affair between the ages of 41 and 46 was a "youthful indiscretion." (Hyde's new position: "Dr. Jekyll did it.")

Sensing it may be a tough sell to force a president from office for mere "ministering," Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott lowered the bar. "Bad conduct, frankly, is sufficient for impeachment," he said the other day.

Bad conduct?

You mean like shoving in the lunch line?

Impeach him? Shouldn't they just give him a timeout?

What's the next threshold after bad conduct, bad manners?

I don't remember the Democrats trying to impeach George Bush after he puked all over the prime minister of Japan.

Where does it end? Bad pores? Bad posture? His lawn's overgrown?

As the Republicans agitate for impeachment, the White House has attempted to paint Clinton as your basic guy next door -- if you live next door to the Booby Trap Strip Club. Congressional Democrats, though, put the kibosh on a major effort to air TV spots that would have shown Clinton in a positive light, going about his daily chores in the Oval Office -- all tastefully shot from the waist up, of course.

Clinton did get a great run from an exclusive interview with butt-kicking journalist Trude Feldman last weekend, in which he was asked a series of provocative questions, such as: "What is the name of your dog?"

White House officials were so pleased at how well Clinton did with Feldman that they have scheduled an interview with Toni Morrison, whose piece in the current New Yorker asserts that Clinton is a black man -- which is a surprise, admittedly, but not nearly as big a surprise as if she had said Al "Master Freakblaster" Gore was black. Morrison is expected to ask the president: "If you could be any member of the Temptations, who would you be?"

I've already put in my request for an interview with the president. Here's my question: How desperate would you have to be to have phone sex with Linda Tripp?

© Copyright 1998 The Washington Post Company

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