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  • SATIRE
    Bill's Next Gig

    By Tony Kornheiser
    Washington Post Staff Writer
    Sunday, December 20, 1998; Page F01

    One year from today a tall, tanned, silver-haired man, instantly recognizable, stands at a lectern in the Beverly Hilton, washed in the exhilarating sound of applause.

    He begins to speak.

    "Thank you. It's a pleasure to be with you tonight. Here's a joke my ex-wife won't like: Why did Hillary always like to mess around very early in the morning? [Pause] She wanted to be the first lady."

    Bada-bing.

    "Hey, how about that Bob Livingston, huh? He gets caught playing Hide-the-Gavel and has the honor and decency to resign. I say, give that man a cigar."

    Bada-boom.

    "Take my franking privilege. Please."

    A former president has to make a living, doesn't he?

    Remember, just last week it was Henry Hyde who suggested: "The president would be welcomed around the country at groups who would love to hear him speak."

    But who knew it would come so soon?

    It's time to consider what President Clinton will do when he leaves office -- which, judging by my wristwatch, may be as early as Wednesday.

    By bombing Iraq, Clinton was able to DeLay impeachment by a day or two. (DeLay: Get it? And as Dave Barry might say, don't you think the Dick Armey is a great name for a punk band?)

    In fact, I imagined Clinton sitting in his office last week, writing:

    Dear Diary,

    Holy cow. It worked!

    ". . . Caught between Iraq and a haaarrrddd place."

    I'm glued to CNN. But the night vision gizmo makes it look like I'm staring into a frog pond. And I keep seeing a car driving down a street -- it looks like the same car all the time. Maybe it's like what Keanu Reeves did in "Speed," where he ran the same loop to fool Dennis Hopper and get everybody off the bus. . . .

    Hey, that Christiane Amanpour's a babe.

    Hmmmm, now what? Can I possibly keep bombing until the new Congress gets in?

    Note: Need Albright to get me a list of countries I can bomb and nobody will make a big stink.

    Belgium, duck! Hahaha.

    Ah, but victory for our Commander-in-Briefs was all too brief.

    By Friday, Congress was back deliberating impeachment, and Clinton had to consider what to do next. What best becomes an ex-president?

    Richard Nixon became an author. He wrote grave, numbingly boring books about his life, his presidency and his foreign policy. The books were outsold 100 to 1 by the "Where's Waldo?" series.

    Gerald Ford played golf and tried not to kill anyone by skiing into them. Somewhere, Ford has a presidential library with his important paper. Jimmy Carter became a handyman. You can phone him, and he'll go to your house and fix your toilet and put your door back on its hinges. The man wears overalls. It's pathetic. (It's impossible to believe these men were actually presidents. What happened to us in the '70s? What were we thinking?)

    Ronald Reagan, of course, became an airport.

    George Bush has gotten much more interesting since leaving office. All of a sudden he has a wild side. He jumps out of planes! (The only thing I can imagine Clinton jumping out of is the second-floor window of some honey's town house.) I fully expect to see Bush rolling down Wisconsin Avenue on a street luge.

    Bob Dole never was president. But he took a critical first step upon entering the private sector: He got a face lift. So instead of looking 75, he looks 71. Clinton simply has to get "blephed." (Blepharoplasty, silly, an eye job to get rid of those horrible bags; he's carrying enough lower-lid luggage to be a bellboy.) Now Dole's touting Viagra -- he spends half the night keeping Liddy giddy!

    Sex and lying seem to be what Clinton does best. Surely there's some job he can find that rewards these attributes. Should he open up a public relations agency with Dick Morris? They could do PR for Larry Flynt's new Smokin' Hot Congressional Quarterly.

    Funny how Republicans see a Democrat who has admitted, under duress, to having an improper relationship with a woman not his wife, and they want him removed from office. But when these same Republicans see Republicans who have admitted, under duress, the same thing -- they praise them like the '72 Dolphins. What am I missing here? The only reason these people didn't lie about their affairs under oath is because nobody asked them under oath.

    Okay, what else could Clinton do? He can write his own tell-all book. I can see it now: "Inside Monica."

    He could be on the senior golf tour. A McDonald's manager. Dry cleaner?

    I know. Clinton can construct crossword puzzles. That way he'll be able to tell us what the definition of "is" is.

    Better yet: He ought to call up his Hollywood pals and start producing movies. I can see him green-lighting his first feature: "Saddam, You've Got Mail."


    © Copyright 1998 The Washington Post Company

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