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Monica S. Lewinsky arrives at the federal courthouse for her grand jury testimony in August. (Reuters)

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Video Clips From Clinton's Testimony

Publishers Balk At Lewinsky Book Deal (Washington Post, Sept. 17)

Lewinsky's Much-Told Story (Washington Post, Sept. 14)

Lewinsky: 'I Never Expected to Fall in Love' (Washington Post, Sept. 13)

'You Let Me Down'

Washington Post Staff
Tuesday, September 22, 1998; Page A24

Introduction: From June 1995, when she came to Washington as one of hundreds of unpaid White House interns, to the public exposure of her most intimate longings and sexual secrets, Monica S. Lewinsky has made a long and tumultuous journey. What began as an improbable crush on the president of the United States has led her, at the age of 25, to be the single most important witness in an inquiry being considered in the House of Representatives that could result in the impeachment of President Clinton.

The documents released yesterday by the House, part of the voluminous evidentiary record submitted by independent counsel Kenneth W. Starr, tell Lewinsky's story through more than 900 pages of love letters to the president, interrogations by FBI agents, testimony to prosecutors and the grand jury, and the perspectives of White House aides and Pentagon supervisors on her conduct.

In this untidy collection of texts, her emotional highs and lows are charted in both minute legalisms and unguarded private notes. There was joy: "LEWINSKY was on cloud nine" the night Clinton first kissed her, said one prosecutor's memo. And there was threatening rage: "I am begging you one last time to please let me visit briefly Tuesday evening," she wrote Clinton after the affair had long died.

The testimony contains a remarkable session between Lewinksy and grand jurors – its tone more like Oprah than a criminal inquiry. They asked if she still loved Clinton. They asked why she had another affair with a married man, Clinton, when her earlier relationship with her married drama teacher had caused so much pain. "I think it's a fair question. It's a hard one to answer. No one likes to have their weaknesses splayed out for the entire world, you know, but I understand that. ... you'd probably have to know me better and know my whole journey to how I got here from birth to now to really understand it. I don't even understand it."

Near the end of her many days of testimony – after Clinton told the nation on Aug. 17 that their relationship was wrong, and expressed no feeling for her – she told the grand jury she was hurt. "I thought he had a beautiful soul," she said. "I don't know what the truth is any more."

"I'm really sorry for everything that's happened," she said.

Toward the end of her 18-month sexual relationship with President Clinton and in the months afterward, Monica S. Lewinsky wrote a series of letters and e-mails to friends, to White House staff members and to the president himself. Here are portions of those correspondences and other records that provide corroboration of her later testimony but also reveal her state of mind during her relationship with Clinton and her struggle to find work after it ended.

In April 1996, Lewinsky was transferred from the White House to the Pentagon. Here is an e-mail from Lewinsky to Pentagon colleague and new friend Linda Tripp on Feb. 4, 1997, after Clinton has broken off their affair:

Oh Linda, I don't know what I am going to do. I just don't understand what went wrong, what happened? How could he do this to me? Why did he keep up contact with me for so long and now nothing, now when we could be together? Maybe it was the intrigue of wanting something he couldn't have (easily) with all that was going on then? Maybe he wanted to insure he could have variety and phone sex while he was on the road for those months? AAAAHHHHH!!!!! I am going to lose it!


Lewinsky's job performance became an issue as she repeatedly asked to return to the White House. Here are some excerpts from a March 14, 1997, MEMORANDUM FOR RECORD from Cliff Bernath, deputy to Pentagon spokesman Ken Bacon, regarding her work in the Pentagon's public affairs office:

*So far as I can tell, Ken is happy with her support. Responsive and attentive.

*My concerns:

– Ken's calendar. Too many errors in the morning...should make excuses or blame others when Ken finds an error or asks a question we can't answer.

– Work Area. Need to clean it up and keep it clean...She has to stay organized...


– Spends too much time on personal email, personal business and phone calls.

– Answering phones. She feels that others aren't doing their share...She wondered if her position wasn't somewhat higher than the other admin positions and that they should answer more calls.

*Asked her if she was still happy here. Appears to be less happy than when she started.

– Has had some personal problems which she didn't want to discuss and has been bringing that to the office.

– Feels unchallenged with admin duties. Told her that was to be expected...That said, she could make the job more challenging by taking on more responsibilities.

– Has been thinking about trying to get another job at the White House.

April 28, 1997, letter from Bacon to Lorrie McHugh, deputy assistant to the president, regarding Lewinsky:

Dear Lorrie;

. . . She is terrific – bright, energetic and imaginative. I would like Monica to stay her as long as I do. However, she has more skills than her current job requires, and this isn't a job she wants for life. As a result, I have advised her that she should try to move into a more substantive job, either here or in the White House. Unlike many people, she is actually following my advice. She would like to work in the White House, where she started work in Washington. She would [be] great as an organizer in the press operation or as an event planner in the communications office. . . .

Please keep Monica in mind as appropriate jobs open up.


Kenneth H. Bacon

Letter from Lewinsky to Clinton's personal secretary, Betty Currie, on June 24, 1997:

Dear Betty;

Since I have not been able to get in touch with him [Clinton], I am taking the unorthodox liberty of sharing my concerns with you. I would very much appreciate it if you could relay this information to him either verbally or by letting him read this note. If you're not comfortable doing either, I understand.

The intention of this note is not to "tattle-tale", but to clarify. My meeting with Marsha [Scott, deputy director of White House personnel] was not at all what I expected. While she was very pleasant, she questioned me endlessly about my situation. Despite the fact that she already knew why I had to leave, she asked me to tell her about it, asked if I had acted "inappropriately" and why I wanted to come back. She seemingly knew nothing about my current position. He said to me that he had told her I had gotten a bum deal, and I should get a good job in the West Wing. I was surprised that she would question his judgment and not just do what he asked of her. Is it possible that, in fact, he did not tell her that? Does he really not want me back in the complex? He has not responded to my note, nor has he called me. Do you know what is going on?

Betty, I am very frustrated and sad. I expecially don't understand this deafening silence, lack of response and complete distancing evidenced by him. Why is he ignoring me? I have done nothing wrong. I would expect that behavior like this might be directed toward an "unfriendly", but certainly not to me. I would never do anything to hurt him.

I am hoping to hear from either of you soon. I'm at a loss, and I don't know what to do.

Best wishes,



Letter from Lewinsky to Clinton on June 29, 1997:

Dear Handsome,

I really need to discuss my situation with you. We have not had any contact for over five weeks. You leave on Sat. and I leave for Madrid w/the SecDef on Monday returning the 14th of July. I am then heading out to Los Angeles for a few days. If I do not speak to you before you leave, when I return from LA it will have been two months since we last spoke. Please do not do this to me. I feel disposable, used and insignificant. I understand your hands are tied, but I want to talk to you and look at some options. I am begging you one last time to please let me visit briefly Tuesday evening. I will call Betty Tues. afternoon to see if it is ok.


Draft copy of a letter to Clinton that Lewinsky never sent. Though it is undated, the Kenneth Starr report mentions it after it notes a Sept. 3 phone call between Lewinsky and Scott in which Scott tells Lewinsky there is no position available in her office.

I believe the time has finally come for me to throw in the towel. my conversation with Marsha left me disappointed, frustrated, sad and angry. I can't help but wonder if you knew she wouldn't be able to detail me over there when I last saw you. maybe that would explain your coldness. the only explanation I can reason for your not bringing me back is that you just plain didn't want to enough or care about me enough. how else can I rationalize why it is ok for Marsha and Debi [Debra Schiff, West Wing receptionist] and scores of others to be in golden positions . . . Marsha can remark to someone which subsequently ends up in the papers and magazines that 'she spent the night with you'. I just loved you – wanted to spend time with you, kiss you, listen to you laugh – and I wanted you to love me back.

I never told you this because I didn't want to seem like a martyr but in April of '95 I wanted nothing more than to beg you to do something so I didn't have to leave. I wanted to scream and bawl. you have no idea how desperate, upset, humiliated I was. But I didn't. you said you would see what you could do and I left it at that because I didn't want to put you in a bad situation. It was an election year and I knew what was important. You promised you would bring me back after the election with a snap of your fingers. . . .

We talked about my returning and you kept replying, 'I'll talk to Bob Nash', 'I've talked to Bob Nash', 'Bob Nash is working it'. Then it moved to 'Marsha is working on it'. Then you dumped me and it was still 'Marsha' is working it. I can't take it any more. A person can only handle so [much] anxiety and stress. Maybe it would be easier to wait if you had called more and it hadn't been such trouble to try to see you. As I said in my last letter to you I've waited long enough. You and Marsha win. I give up. you let me down, but I shouldn't have trusted you in the first place.

E-mail from Lewinsky to her friend, Catherine Allday Davis, on Sept. 4, 1997, relaying her frustration at Clinton being unable to get her transferred back to the White House:

I don't know what I will do now but I can't wait any more and I can't go through all of this crap anymore. In some ways I hope I never hear from him again because he'll just lead me on because he doesn't have the balls to tell me the truth. I kind of phase in and out of being sad – as to be expected but i'll survive. What other choice do i have?

Letter from Lewinsky to Clinton, undated, but believed to have been written on Oct. 6, 1997:

It has been made clear to me that there is no way I am going to be able to come back to the White House despite your best efforts. I understand the difficulty.

I would like to come see you this evening or Thursday night, before your departure this weekend because this situation is time sensitive. My roommate (AKA my Mom) has recently taken up primary residence in NY. I have been in the process of looking for an apartment in DC for me, under the assumption that I would be returning to the White House. I am not in a position to box myself into a lease. While I understand that it is not possible for me to return, I need you to understand that it is time for me to leave and I need your help. I'd like to ask you to help me secure a position in NY beginning 1 December. I would be very grateful, and I am hoping this is a solution for both of us.

I want you to know that it has always been and remains more important to me to have you in my life than to come back.

Handsome, you have been distant the past few months and have shut me out; I don't know why. Is it that you don't like me anymore or are you scared?

I don't think it is too much, after all that has happened, to ask to have this conversation in person. Please don't let me down.

By November, Lewinsky is working with Clinton's close personal friend, Vernon E. Jordan Jr., to find a private sector job in New York. Monica shows Jordan her job "wish list" on Nov. 5, 1997:

First and foremost, thank you.

My dream had been to work in Communications or strategic Planning at the White House. I am open to any suggestions that you may have on work that is similar to that or may intrigue me.

The most important things to me are that I am engaged and interested in my work; I am not someone's administrative/executive assistant; and my salary can provide me a comfortable living in NY.


Assistant producer at any of the networks

Kaplan – CNN has a NY Office

News/political segments at MTV

Assistant to an account executive at any of the following (not) administrative assistant):

Hill and Knowlton

Burson – Marsteller

Downey & Chandler

Bozell Public Relations/Bozell Worldwise

Devries Public Relations

(These are agencies with which I am familiar. You may have more suggestions from the attached list of agencies in NY (Tab 1)).

Anything at George magazine

A note about the UN:

I do not have any interest in working there. As a result of what happened in April '96 [when Lewinsky was transferred from the White House to the Pentagon], I have already spent a year and a half at an agency in which I have no interest. I want a job where I feel challenged, engaged and interested. I don't think the UN is the right place for me.

Letter from Lewinsky to Jordan on Nov. 6, 1997:

Dear Mr. Jordan:

It was a real pleasure meeting with you. I know how very busy and demanding your schedule is; I particularly appreciated your taking the time to speak with me.

I feel compelled to mention how overcome I was by your genuineness. While some people wear their heart on their sleeve; you appear to wear your soul. It made me happy to know that our friend has such a wonderful confidante in you.

I believe I may have neglected to mention that while my current position is administrative, I am seeking more substantive work in my next position.

Thanks again for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you upon your return.


Monica S. Lewinsky

Letter from Lewinsky to Clinton dated Nov. 12, 1997:


I asked you three weeks ago to please be sensitive to what I am going through right now and to keep in contact with me, and yet I'm still left writing notes in vain. I am not a moron. I know that what is going on in the world takes precedence, but I don't think what i have asked you for is unreasonable. I can't help but to have hurt feelings with I sent you a note last week and this week, and you still haven't seen me or called me.

I thought if I took away your burden of having to try to place me in the WH you would open yourself up to me again; I missed that more than anything. It was awful when I say you for your birthday in August. You were so distant that I missed you as I was holding you in my arms.

You have functions tonight, tomorrow night and that you leave on Friday afternoon. Yesterday was the best window of opportunity to see me and you didn't. I'm left wondering why. I am begging you to please be nice to me and understanding until I leave. This is so hard for me. I am trying to deal with so much emotionally, and I have nobody to talk to about it. I need you right now not as president, but as a man. PLEASE be my friend.

Betty said that you come back from your dinner tomorrow somewhere between 8:30 and 9:00. For my sake, can we make an arrangement that I will be waiting for you when you get back, and we can visit just for a little while. I'm really not that difficult...yes or no?

On Jan. 7, Lewinsky signed an affidavit saying she "never had a sexual relationship with the president." But unbeknownst to her, Tripp had been tape-recording their phone conversations. On Jan. 12, Tripp contacted Starr's office and the following day, FBI agents equipped Tripp with a hidden microphone and recorded four hours of conversation between her and Lewinsky at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel in Pentagon City. Using the tape recordings, Starr sought an expansion of his investigation to include the possibility of subornation of perjury and obstruction of justice in the Paula Jones case. The next day, FBI agents lured Lewinsky and Tripp to another meeting at the Ritz. What follows is the Office of Independent Counsel's account of their efforts to persuade a reluctant Lewinsky to cooperate:

LEWINSKY was advised OIC attorneys were waiting in the room and that the agents and the attorneys wished to discuss her culpability in criminal activity related to the PAULA JONES civil lawsuit. LEWINSKY was advised she was not under arrest and the agents would not force her to accompany them to the hotel room. LEWINSKY told SSA (redacted) he could speak to her attorney.

Also present in room 1016, the adjoining room, were Associate Independent Counsel (AIC) BRUCE UDOLF, AIC MICHAEL EMMICK, AIC STEVEN D. BINHAK, Deputy Independent Counsel JACKIE M. BENNETT JR., AIC STEPHEN BATES AND Contract Investigator COY A. COPELAND, all members of the Office of the Independent Counsel staff. The chronology of the meeting, with all times approximate, is as follows:

1:05 p.m. LEWINSKY arrived in Room 1012, AIC EMMICK entered Room 1012 and began talking to LEWINSKY.

1:10 p.m. LEWINSKY given bottled water.

1:33 P.M. SSA (redacted) began reading LEWINSKY her rights as found on the form FD-395, "Interrogation, Advice of Rights." SSA (redacted) was unable to finish reading the FD-395.

1:40 p.m. LEWINSKY was offered a towel.

1:47 p.m. LEWINSKY was offered water.

1:02 p.m. The air conditioning in room 1012 was turned on at LEWINSKY'S request.

2:13 p.m. LEWINSKY was offered water.

LEWINSKY said, "if I don't cooperate, I can talk to whomever I want."

2:29 p.m. LEWINSKY stated, "if I leave now, you will charge me now."

2:30 p.m. LEWINSKY said, "I don't know much about the law.'

2:33 p.m. LEWINSKY asked and was allowed to go to the restroom.

2:36 p.m. LEWINSKY requested and was given her second bottle of water.

3:10 p.m. LEWINSKY asked if she could be escorted to New York to see her mother, Marcia Lewis.

3:20 p.m. LEWINSKY called her mother, MARCIA LEWIS, in New York.

3:36 p.m. LEWINSKY requested and was allowed to go to the restroom.

4:12 p.m. LEWINSKY called MARCIA LEWIS. LEWIS requested to speak with an OIC attorney. AIC EMMICK and SA (redacted) got on the phone and identified themselves to LEWIS. LEWIS advised she would travel to Washington D.C. via AMTRAK Metroliner.

5:00 p.m. LEWINSKY called her answering machine to retrieve messages

5:21 p.m. LEWINSKY requested and received aspirin.

5:40 p.m. LEWINSKY, AID EMMICK and SA (redacted) departed room 1012, en route to the Pentagon City Mall. LEWINSKY, AIC EMMICK and SA (redacted) walked in the mall.

6:03 p.m. LEWINSKY requested and was permitted to visit the restroom on the third level of the MACY'S department story in the mall.

6:30 p.m. LEWINSKY, AIC EMMICK and SA (redacted) dined at MOZZARELLA'S American Grill, within the Pentagon City Mall. LEWINSKY paid for her portion of the dinner.

8:19 p.m. MARCIA LEWIS telephoned room 1012, and advised she was on the "163 Northeast Direct", and was experiencing travel delays.

10:16 p.m. MARCIA LEWIS arrived and all members of the OIC staff left LEWIS andLEWINSKY alone.

10:20 p.m. A meeting was held in room 1018 between LEWIS, AIC EMMICK, SSA (redacted) and SA (redacted).

LEWIS advised that this wasn't an emotional experience for LEWINSKY. LEWIS advised LEWINSKY was younger than her chronological age. LEWIS asked if tapes were admissible in court. LEWIS advised she wanted to protect LEWINSKY. LEWIS asked how she would know LEWINSKY would not be charged if she cooperated. LEWIS asked about LEWINSKY's safety if LEWINSKY cooperated. LEWIS advised that LEWINSKY talked about suicide six years ago. After LEWINSKY'S parents divorced, LEWINSKY saw a therapist, but she is not currently seeing one. LEWIS advised she alone could not take responsibility for convincing LEWINSKY to cooperate with the OIC.

11:06 p.m. LEWIS telephonically contacted BERNARD LEWINSKY [Lewinsky's father], her ex-husband, at (redacted.)

11:20 p.m. BERNARD LEWINSKY telephoned room 1018.

11:35 p.m. BERNARD LEWINSKY telephoned room 1014. BERNARD LEWINSKY advised AIC EMMICK that MONICA LEWINSKY was represented by counsel.

11:36 p.m. MONICA LEWINSKY talked to BERNARD LEWINSKY on the telephone.

11:37 p.m. AIC EMMICK spoke with BERNARD LEWINSKY. AIC EMMICK asked MONICA LEWINSKY if she had an attorney and LEWINSKY advised it was GINSBURG.

MONICA LEWINSKY asked if there was still a chance she would go to jail if she cooperated . MONICA LEWINSKY suggested she may not have told the truth in previous conversations. MONICA LEWINSKY asked, "what if I partially cooperate?"

MARCIA LEWIS asked what would happen if MONICA LEWINSKY gave everything but did not tape anything. MONICA LEWINSKY asked if the PAULA JONES case went away would "this" go away and was advised by AIC EMMICK "no."

MONICA LEWINSKY asked how the OIC would resolve the chance that MONICA LEWINSKY said something to LINDA TRIP (sic) that was not true.

MARCIA LEWIS advised that she appreciated the OIC members waiting until she arrived to proceed. MONICA LEWINSKY advised she appreciated having her mother present.

11:55 p.m. BILL GINSBURG telephoned room 1018 and spoke to AIC EMMICK, who advised GINSBURG he was uncomfortable with the relationship between GINSBURG and MONICA LEWINSKY. MONICA LEWINSKY advised she was not 100 percent sure it was the right thing to do because GINSBURG was a medical lawyer.

11:59 p.m. MONICA LEWINSKY advised she was represented by GINSBURG.

12:08 a.m. GINSBURG was advised by AIC EMMICK that MONICA LEWINSKY always had the right to leave at any time.

12:17 a.m. MONICA LEWINSKY spoke with Ginsburg, outside the presence of the OIC staff.

12:23 a.m. AIC EMMICK ended the phone call with GINSBURG and advised MONICA LEWINSKY and MARCIA LEWIS they were free to leave.

12:30 a.m. MARCIA LEWIS and MONICA LEWINSKY thanked the Agents and the staff of the OIC for being so kind and considerate.


After the interview at the Ritz, Lewinsky worried over what to do next. Now represented by L.A. attorney William Ginsburg, Lewinsky drafted a hand-written proffer of evidence that she and her lawyers hoped might win her immunity from prosecution. But amid suspicions on both sides, a deal fell through. Following are excepts from Lewinsky's proffer, dated Feb. 1, 1998:

l. Ms. Lewinsky had an intimate and emotional relationship with President Clinton beginning in 1995. At various times between 1995 and 1997, Ms. Lewinsky and the President had physically intimate contact. This included oral sex, but excluded intercourse.

2. When asked what should be said if anyone questioned Ms. Lewinsky about her being with the President, he said she should say she was bringing him letters (when she worked in Legislative Affairs) or visiting Betty Currie (after she left the WH). There is truth to both of these statements.

3. After Ms. Lewinsky was informed she was being transferred to the Pentagon, Mr. Clinton told her that he promised to bring her back to the WH after the election.

After the election, Ms. Lewinsky asked the Pres. to bring her back to the WH.

Ms. Betty Currie asked Mr. John Podesta to take over placing me in the WH. Three weeks after that, Ms. Linda Tripp informed Ms. L. that a friend of Ms. Tripp's in the NSC, Kate, had heard rumors about Ms. L; Ms. L. would never work at the WH with a blue pass; and suggested to Ms. Tripp that Ms. L. leave Washington, DC.

Following this conversation, Ms. Lewinsky requested of the Pres. that he ask Vernon Jordan to help secure her a non-government position in NY. He agreed to ask Mr. Jordan.

In the beginning of November, 1997, Ms. L. met with Mr. Jordan. He asked Ms. L. why she was there to see him. Ms. L. explained to him (in more detail) that she and the Pres. were friends and people got the wrong idea, resulting in Ms. L's banishment to the Pentagon. Ms. L. said she was seeking Mr. Jordan's help to begin a new life; he agreed to help.

Ms. L. met again with Mr. Jordan in the beginning of December '97 , at which time he provided Ms. L. with a list of three people to contact and suggested language to use in her letters to them.

4. After Ms. Lewinsky was informed by the Pres., that she was identified as a possible witness in the Jones case, the Pres. and Ms. L. discussed what she should do. The Pres. told her (word crossed out) he was not sure she would be subpoenaed, but in the event that she was, she should contact Ms. Currie. When asked what to do if she was subpoenaed, the Pres. suggested she could sign an affidavit to try to satisfy their inquiry and not be deposed. In general, Ms. L. should say she visited the WH to see (word crossed out) Ms. Currie and , on occasion when working at the WH, she brought him letters when no one else was around. Neither of those statements untrue. To the best of Ms. L's memory, she does not believe they discussed the content of any deposition that Ms. L might be involved in at a later date.

5. After receiving a subpoena two days later, Ms. L. contacted Mr. Jordan (because Ms. Currie's brother had been killed in a car accident). Upon Ms. L's request, Mr. Jordan arranged an appointment for her with an attorney, Mr. Frank Carter.

Mrs. L expressed (word crossed out) anxiety (another word crossed out) with respect to her subpoena requesting the production of any gifts from the Pres., specifically citing hat pins which the Pres. had in fact given her. Mr. Jordan allayed her concerns by telling her it was standard language. Mr. Jordan asked Ms. Lewinsky two questions: Did you have sex with the Pres., and/or did he ask you for sex? (Words crossed out.) Ms. L. responded to both questions with "no."

Possibly later in that meeting but more probably the next meeting, Ms. L. (word crossed out) tried to make it clear to Mr. Jordan that she, in fact, did have a physically intimate relationship with the Pres. (Sentence crossed out.).

Ms. L. made it clear she intended to deny the sexual relationship with the Pres.

6. The Pres., through Ms. Currie invited Ms. L. to come see him to get her Christmas presents. Ms. L. asked him how he thought the (letters struck out) attorneys for Paula Jones found out about her. He thought it was probably "that woman from the summer. . .with Kathleen Willey' (Linda Tripp.) who lead them to Ms. L. or possibly the uniformed agents.

Ms. L. then asked if she should put away (outside her home) the gifts he had given her or, maybe, give them to someone else. (word crossed out) [Ms. Currie called Ms. L. later that afternoon as said that the Pres. had told her (word crossed out) Ms. L. wanted her to hold onto something for her. (Word crossed out.)

Ms. L. told the Pres. she was planning to sign an affidavit. When Ms. L. and the Pres. discussed when Ms. L. was moving to NY, the Pres. thought it might be possible that they would not seek her deposition if she was in NY.

7. Ms. Lewinsky called Mr. Jordan several times concerning her employment in NY.

Ms. L. said Ms. Tripp may have seen notes when she was in Ms. L's home. Mr. Jordan asked if the notes were from the Pres. Ms. L said that they were notes to the Pres. Mr. Jordan suggested to Ms. L. she check to make sure they are not there (something to that effect). Ms. L. interpreted that to mean she should get rid of whatever is there.

After Ms. L. received the draft of the affidavit, she called Mr. Jordan to ask that he look it over before she sign it. He instructed her to drop off a copy at his office. They spoke later by phone about the affidavit, agreeing to make some changes.

That evening, Ms. L. placed a phone call to Ms. Currie asking her to tell the Pres. that she wanted to speak with him before she signed something the next day. He returned Ms. L.'s call a few hours later. Ms. L. told him Mr. Carter had asked her some sample questions that might be asked of her in the deposition and she didn't know how to answer them. Furthermore, she was concerned that if the answers involved naming people in the WH who didn't like her, they would try to screw her over. Ms. L. asked him how she should respond to the question, "How did you get your job at the Pentagon?" He replied, "The people in Legislative Affairs helped you." This is, in fact, part of the truth – but not the whole truth. The Pres. told Ms. L not to worry about the affidavit as he had seen 15 others.

10. Ms. L. had a physically intimate relationship with the President. Neither the Pres. nor Mr. Jordan (or anyone on their behalf) asked or encouraged (crossed off the word me) Ms. L. to lie. (Crossed off the word I) Ms. L. was comfortable signing the affidavit with regard to the "sexual relationship" because she could justify to herself that (word crossed out) she and the Pres. did not have sexual intercourse.

11. At some point in the relationship between Ms. L and the President, the President told Ms. L. to deny a relationship if ever asked about it. He also said something to the effect that if (word crossed out) the two people who are involved say it didn't happen – it didn't happen. (word crossed out) Ms. L. knows this was said some time prior to the subpoena in the Paula Jones case.

Between February and July, as Starr and Lewinsky's lawyers remained locked in a stalemate over whether prosecutors would grant her immunity in exchange for her testimony, Lewinsky remained on hold, awaiting resolution. It came when she changed attorneys in June and her new lawyers, Plato Cacheris and Jacob Stein, began negotiations with the Office of Independent Counsel. On July 28, Lewinsky reached an immunity deal with Starr in which she agreed to testify in return for a guarantee that she would not face prosecution.

Beginning in late July, Lewinsky began preliminary interviews with Starr's lawyers and other investigators. In the interviews, Lewinsky quotes the president as saying that "during his life, he had been two people" and that he had long struggled with the temptations of infidelity. Following are excerpts from a summary of those interviews:

...The President was sitting at his desk in the Oval Office talking on the telephone, presumably to Mrs. CLINTON, as the President ended the call by saying, "I love you." The President and LEWINSKY went into the back office and the President tried to soothe LEWINSKY by saying, "I promise you if I win in November I'll get you back and you can do what you want." ...

...LEWINSKY had once told the President about ANDY BLEILER in Portland. The President said, "I don't want to be like that schmuck in Oregon." ...

The President said that he believed that an unnamed foreign Embassy was listening in on the President's official conversations. The President came up with the ruse that if LEWINSKY was ever questioned to just say that they were friends, and they were just doing it to give people a run for their money. After their private meeting the President and LEWINSKY went into BETTY CURRIE's office, where they sang "Try A Little Tenderness."...

May 24, 1997, was referred to by LEWINSKY as "Dump Day." LEWINSKY had an idea she would see the President on that date. LEWINSKY went shopping with ASHLEY RAINES at VICTORIA's SECRET. CURRIE called LEWINSKY around 11:00 a.m. and told LEWINSKY to come to the White House at about 1:00 p.m. . . .

LEWINSKY did not recall how the conversation started; however, the President stated that he did not feel right about their relationship; it was not right, and the President said he could not do it anymore. LEWINSKY was crying. The President said this did not have to do with LEWINSKY. The President told LEWINSKY that he had been with hundreds of women in his life until he was about 40 years of age. The President told LEWINSKY that when he turned 40 his life was falling apart. LEWINSKY recalled that the President may have told her that, at the above time, he entertained thoughts of ending his life. However, LEWINSKY was not sure about the recollection. [Redacted material follows.] The President told LEWINSKY that he had been good until he met her. LEWINSKY did not believe the President. The President told her how he was attracted to LEWINSKY and how the President thought LEWINSKY was a great person. The President told LEWINSKY that they could remain friends. The President pointed out to LEWINSKY that he could do a lot for her. The President told LEWINSKY that it was difficult for him to resist being with other women. The president struggled with it daily. The president told LEWINSKY that he kept a calender [sic] on how long he had been good. The President explained that during his life he had been two people, and kept up two fronts. The President said that starting in the third or fourth grade, he was a good boy with his mother and stepfather but also began telling stories and leading a secret life. LEWINSKY's impression was that the President was telling her he wanted to be right in the eyes of God.

The President wanted the affair to be over, though he said it was not LEWINSKY's fault. LEWINSKY did not know if the President meant what he said‚. ...

On Aug. 6, Lewinsky appeared before the grand jury. Here are excerpts of her testimony:

Q. At some point, did you talk with him [Clinton] about possibly settling the Paula Jones case?

A. Yes, I had – I had had a thought and then had a conversation with Linda about this and just a way that he could settle the case and I suggested it to him‚. ...

The gist of it is, I thought that first Mrs. Clinton should do something publicly, maybe on a TV show or something, and talk about how difficult the case had been for her and on her daughter and that she just wished that he would settle it and it would go away. And then the president should unannounced and unexpectedly go into the briefing room, make a brief statement that he – in an effort to put this behind him, you know, against his attorney's advice, he was going to pay Ms. Jones whatever it was, however much she wanted, and so that this case would be over with.

Q. Did the two of you talk about how much the settlement amount would be or might be?

A. Yes. I believe at some point I had mentioned that I had recently read the – I think she had lowered her – the amount that she wanted to $500,000 or something lower and he said, "I thought it was a million or two million dollars."

And I thought that was very strange, that he wouldn't know she had – you know, that her lawyers – or his lawyers had not told him that she had lowered her request for money‚. ...

Up until a point that we'll get to, which is December 31st [of 1997], I sort of – mainly, I think, from my discussions with Linda, I was under the impression that – that Mr. Jordan kind of knew with a wink and a nod that I was having a relationship with the president, that it was never – he and I never discussed it, but I thought it might be possible.

I'm, you know, a young woman, sort of coming to see him, the president's mentioned me. But I also was sort of under this influence of Linda saying to me, "Of course he knows. Of course he knows. Of course he knows."

So when he asked me those questions, I thought he was asking me, saying essentially, "What are you going to say?" not necessarily asking me directly what – you know, "What are the answers to these questions?" More "What are you going to reply in regard to the case?"‚. ...

Q. What about the meeting with Linda Tripp?

A. It was long. I was – I was very nervous. I was wary of her. I actually thought she might have a tape recorder with her and had looked in her bag when she had gone up to the restroom. I told her a whole bunch of lies that day.

Q. What were you trying to accomplish in meeting with her?

A. I was trying to – I was trying to make Linda continue to feel comfortable that she and I were sort of on the – that we were on the same side, we were on the right side.

We – and that – when I had agreed to meet with her, I thought we were going to go over kind of her strategy for what she was going to do in the case and then once we got together, she kind of started wavering about what she wanted to do and then – so I just was using everything I knew to try to convince her that – that this is the right thing to do.

Q. I think you mentioned earlier that you told her lies.

A. Yes.

Q. What lies do you have in mind?

A. I mean, I think – throughout that month of December, after I knew she was subpoenaed, there were various things that I think I said that were untrue, but I specifically remember from this meeting the thing that I had – what I said to Linda was, "Oh, you know, I told – I told Mr. Jordan that I wasn't going to sign the affidavit until I got the job." Obviously, which wasn't true.

I told her I didn't yet have a job. That wasn't true. I told her I hadn't signed the affidavit. That wasn't true. I told her that sometime over the holidays I had freaked out and my mom took me to Georgetown Hospital and they put me on Paxil. That wasn't true.

I think I told her that – you know, at various times the president and Mr. Jordan had told me I had to lie. That wasn't true. That's just a small example. Probably some more things about my mom. Linda had an obsession with my mom, so she was a good leverage‚. ...


Q. Did you understand all along that he [Clinton] would deny the relationship also?

A. Mm-hmm. Yes.

Q. And when you say you understood what it meant when he didn't say, "Oh, you know, you must tell the truth," what did you understand that to mean?

A. That – that – as we had on every other occasion and every other instance of this relationship, we would deny it.

On Aug. 17, President Clinton provided videotaped testimony to Starr's lawyers for more than four hours. He then made a nationally televised speech in which he admitted that he had engaged in an inappropriate intimate relationship with Lewinsky and lied about it to aides and to the public. In his speech, Clinton expressed anger about the independent counsel's investigation and did not mention Lewinsky by name. Three days later, on Aug. 20, Starr called Lewinsky back before the grand jury to question her in more detail about her sexual relationship with the president, and to compare her account with the one Clinton had just provided under oath. During this session, several of the grand jurors spoke up to ask Lewinsky detailed questions about her feelings for Clinton, her thinking about getting involved with married men, her conversations with her mother, her relationship with Linda Tripp and other matters. Following are excerpts from Lewinsky's Aug. 20 testimony:


A JUROR: Ms. Lewinsky, when you – now, this is a different kind of subject. When you first made the determination that you were moving to New York and you wanted to explore the possibilities of a job in private industry, can you recall how you first got the recommendation about Vernon Jordan's assistance in this endeavor?

THE WITNESS: I can't. I know that it was – what I don't remember was if it was my idea or Linda's idea. And I know that that came up in discussions with her, I believe before I discussed it with the president or I – I didn't suggest, I asked the president if Mr. Jordan might be able to assist me‚. ...

A JUROR: Was there ever sort of an understanding [with the president] that, well, oral sex isn't really sex? Or did you talk about that?

THE WITNESS: We didn't talk about it‚. ...

THE WITNESS: Can you guys call me Monica? Are they allowed to call me Monica instead of Ms. Lewinsky? I was just –

THE FOREPERSON: If you say so.



THE WITNESS: I'm just 25. Please.

A JUROR: But you'll always be Ms. Lewinsky, whether you're 25 or 28 or –

THE WITNESS: Not if I get married‚. ...

A JUROR: Okay. Your relationship with the president, did your mother at any time try to discourage the relationship?


A JUROR: Well, what kept it going? I mean, what kept it – you keeping it active or whatever?

THE WITNESS: I fell in love.

A JUROR: I beg your pardon? I couldn't hear you.

THE WITNESS: I fell in love.

A JUROR: When you look at it now, was it love or a sexual obsession?

THE WITNESS: More love with a little bit of obsession. But definitely love.

A JUROR: Did you think that the president was in love with you also?

THE WITNESS: There was an occasion when I left the White House and I was pretty stunned at how I felt because I did think that.

A JUROR: You did?


Q. Do you remember the date?

A. It was July 4, 1997.

A JUROR: Were you aware that he was having problems in his marriage? Did this ever spill over in the times that you were together? Did you get a feeling that something was not right, that –

MR. EMMICK: I thought there was a question in the front here.

A JUROR: And today, Monica, do you still love the president?

THE WITNESS: Before Monday, I would have said yes.

A JUROR: So then it is no?

THE WITNESS: I don't know how I feel right now‚. ...

A JUROR: Well, let's – you said the relationship was more than oral sex. I mean, it wasn't like you went out on dates or anything like normal people, so what more was it?

THE WITNESS: Oh, we spent hours on the phone talking. It was emotional.

A JUROR: Phone sex?

THE WITNESS: Not always. On a few occasions. I mean, we were talking. I mean, interacting. I mean, talking about what we were thinking and feeling and doing and laughing.

We were very affectionate, even when – after he broke the relationship off in – maybe, I mean, when I'd go to visit with him, we'd – you know, we'd hug each other a lot. You know, he always used to like to stroke my hair. He – we'd hold hands. We'd smile a lot. We discussed a variety – you know, a wide range of things.

So, I mean, it was – there was a real component of a relationship to it and I just – I thought he had a beautiful soul. I just thought he was just this incredible person and when I looked at him I saw a little boy and – I don't know what the truth is anymore.

And that's, I think, what I took away on Monday, was that I didn't know what the truth was. And so how could I know the truth of my love for someone if it was based on him being an actor‚. ...

A JUROR: It's been reported in the papers that you had a relationship before similar to this, where a lot of hurt and pain came out of this, you know, a lot of hurt and pain toward a family.

And then you turn around and you do it again. You're young, you're vibrant, I can't figure out why you keep going after things that aren't free, that aren't obtainable.

THE WITNESS: Well, there's sort of two parts to that and just to clarify, the way Andy and Kate Bleiler portrayed everything on TV and through their lawyer was pretty inaccurate, so I don't know how much of that is part of your question.

A JUROR: The only part I know is that he was a married man with a wife and a family.

THE WITNESS: That's true.

A JUROR: Like I know about the president.


A JUROR: He was a married man and it wasn't no secret of that fact. But yet you want to talk about truth, a real component, honesty. It all seems so – like a fantasy. That's why I asked you earlier about obsession.

THE WITNESS: That's a hard question to answer because obviously there's – there's work that I need to do on myself. There are obviously issues that – that – you know, a single young woman doesn't have an affair with a married man because she's normal, quote-unquote. But I think most people have issues and that's just how mine manifested themselves.

It's something I need to work on and I don't think it's right, it's not right to have an affair with a married man. I never expected to fall in love with the president. I was surprised that I did.

And I didn'tmy intention had really been to come to Washington and start over and I didn't want to have another affair with a married man because it was really painful. It was horrible. And I feel even worse about it now‚. ...

A JUROR: And I also – I want to let you know that we're not here to judge you in any way. I think many of us feel that way.

THE WITNESS: I appreciate that. But I understand that every – you know, this is – this is a topic that – there are a lot of people think it's wrong and I think it's wrong, too. I understand that.

A JUROR: I had to ask that you (sic) question because I've had to ask other questions and it wouldn't have been right for me not to ask you the question –


A JUROR: – that I've had to ask –

THE WITNESS: I think it's fair and I think you should – I think it's a fair question. It's a hard one to answer. No one likes to have their weaknesses splayed out for the entire world, you know, but I understand that. And I'd rather have you understand where I'm coming from, you know, and you'd probably have to know me better and know my whole journey to how I got here from birth to now to really understand it. I don't even understand it. But – I understand. I respect your having to ask that question and I appreciate what you're saying, whatever your name is‚. ...

That you had asked me about the relationship and being untruthful and things like that. And I just – this is something that's sort of been on my mind since this whole thing started.

I have never – I don't – I certainly believe I have ever told a lie to hurt anybody, that I sort of – some of the ways in which I grew up, it was – there were secrets and inherent in a secret is a lie and so I just – you know, I – I just thought I'd tell you that‚. ...

A JUROR: How much did your mom really know?

THE WITNESS: She knew – she knew that I was having a relationship with the president. She knew that – she knew that I was certainly emotional about it and that it made me miserable a lot and that sometimes I was elated and sometimes I was miserable, but I didn't – you know, I – I might have said something to her like, "We fooled around," but I – not – she didn't know as much as I led Linda to believe she knew. Is that –

A JUROR: Yes‚. ...

A JUROR: okay. One specific question that people have is when did you learn that Linda Tripp had been taping your phone conversations?

THE WITNESS: I believe that I didn't learn the extent to which she had taped my conversations, until I read it in the press.

I learned that day that she had worn a wire at the lunch and that I – and that there had been other people, I think in the restaurant that had been listening in and – so I knew – she had – she had said that they had done the same thing to her and she tried to hug me and she told me that this was the best thing for me to do and – oh‚. ...

Prompted by grand jurors, Lewinsky testified in detail about the day she learned that she had become formally a part of the Office of Independent Counsel's investigation. After arranging to meeting Linda Tripp at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel in Pentagon City, Lewinsky was sequestered by FBI agents and representatives from Starr's office, who sought to persuade her to cooperate with them by tape-recording telephone conversations with Betty Currie, Vernon Jordan and "possibly the president." Recalling the incident during her grand jury testimony on Aug. 20, Lewinsky was critical of the way she was treated and broke down several times:

THE WITNESS: Linda was supposed to go see this new attorney that she had claimed she had gotten and was going to try and sign an affidavit so she paged me in the morning, I called her back and she told me she wanted to meet me before she went to see the attorney. So we planned to meet at the Ritz Carlton in the food court at – I think it was a quarter to one.

She was late. I saw her come down the escalator. And as I – as I walked toward her, she kind of motioned behind her and Agent [redacted] and Agent [redacted] presented themselves to me and –

A JUROR: Do you want to take a minute?

THE WITNESS: And flashed their badges at me. They told me that I was under some kind of investigation, something that had to do with the Paula Jones case, that they – that they wanted to talk to me and give me a chance to cooperate, maybe.

I – to help myself. I told them that I wasn't speaking to them without my attorney.

They told me that that was fine, but I should know I won't be given as much information and won't be able to help myself as much with my attorney there. So I agreed to go. I was so scared.

(The witness begins crying)

A JUROR: What did you do? Did you want to call your mother?

THE WITNESS: And they told me – Mike came out and introduced himself to me and told me that – that Janet Reno had sanctioned Ken Starr to investigate my actions in the Paula Jones case, that they – that they knew that I had signed a false affidavit, they had me on tape saying I committed perjury, that they were going to charge me with perjury and obstruction of justice and subornation of perjury and witness tampering and something else.

Q. And you're saying "they," at that point, who was talking to you about that stuff?

A. Mike Emmick and the two FBI guys. And I made Linda stay in the room. And I just – I felt so bad.

Q. Now, when you say you felt bad, because you felt responsible somehow for pulling the president into something?

A. Yes.

Q. And is that something that still weighs heavily on you, that you feel responsible?

A. Yes.

Q. I guess that later just to sort of finish up, I guess, with the facts of that day, was there a time then that you were – you just waited with the prosecutors until your mother came down?

A. No.

Q. Okay.

A. I mean, there was, but they – they told me they wanted me to cooperate. I asked them what cooperating meant, it entailed, and they told me that – they had – first they told me before about that – that they had me on tape saying things from the lunch that I had had with Linda at the Ritz Carlton the other day and they – then they told me that I – that I'd have to agree to be debriefed and that I'd have to place phone calls or wear a wire to see – to call Betty and Mr. Jordan and possibly the president. And –

Q. And did you tell them that you didn't want to do that?

A. Yes. I – I – I remember going through my mind, I thought, well, what if, you know, what if I did that and I messed up, if I on purpose went to Mr. Jordan's office and of trying to motion to him that something had gone wrong. They said that they would be watching to see if it had been an intentional mistake.

Then I wanted to call my mom and they kept telling me that they didn't – that I couldn't tell anyone to find out that they didn't want – that was the reason I couldn't call Mr. Carter, was because they were afraid that that the might tell the person who took me to Mr. Carter.

They told me that I could call this number and get another criminal attorney, but I didn't want that and I didn't trust them. Then I just cried for a long time‚. ...

Maybe around two hours or so. And then they were – they kept saying there was this time constraint, there was a time constraint, I had to make a decision.

And then Bruce Udolf came in at some point and then – then Jackie Bennett came in and there was a whole bunch of other people and the room was crowded and he was saying to me, you know, you have to make a decision. I had wanted to call my mom, they weren't going to let me call my attorney, so I just – I just wanted to call my mom and they –

Then Jackie Bennett said, "You're 24, you're smart, you're old enough, you don't need to call your mommy."

And then I said, "Well, I'm letting you know that I am leaning towards not cooperating," you know.

And they told me before I could leave whenever I wanted, but it wasn't – you know, I didn't – I really didn't know – I didn't know what that meant. I mean, I thought that if I left then they were just going to arrest me.

And so then they told me that I should know that they were planning to prosecute my mom for the things that I had said she had done.

(The witness begins crying.)

MS. IMMERGUT: Do you want to take a break, Monica?

THE WITNESS: Yes‚. ...

A JUROR: And you said that they offered you a chance to call another attorney?


A JUROR: And did you take them up on that offer?


A JUROR: Why not?

THE WITNESS: Because I did not trust them.

A JUROR: I see. And at some point in this meeting did you – you did obtain an attorney? Mr. Ginsberg?

THE WITNESS: Well, like at 11:00 that night.

A JUROR: So it was seven or eight hours or more later‚. ...

THE WITNESS: . ...‚So Mike and Agent [redacted] took me and we walked around the mall and we ate dinner and then we went back to the room and I read Psalm 21 about a million times. And my mom's train had been – there were problems with her train and then finally she got there and they told me they were going to want to talk to my mom alone for a little bit, but I got to talk to her.

And I was – I didn't – I didn't want to cooperate. I mean, I didn't – I just kept thinking to myself, well – well, I'll just say I made it all up, I'll just – I'll just – I – I couldn't imagine – I couldn't imagine doing this to the president. And I felt so wrong and guilty for having told Linda and that she had done all this‚. ...

A JUROR: And what were you thinking about Linda at this time?

THE WITNESS: Linda? Did you say –

A JUROR: Mm-hmm. Did you know exactly what had happened? That you had been –

THE WITNESS: No. I was under the impression that – what I was thinking at that point was that they had – that they had listened in on our conversation on the phone and that then they came to her and said she was in trouble for something and that then she let them listen in on this lunch conversation because she has said, "They did the same thing to me. They did the same thing to me." So I didn't understand what she meant by that.

And then she said, "This is the best thing for you," as if I was left to believe that she had – this was somehow something she had done and that she was trying to help me.

And I thought, "Why did she tell them? Why didn't she just say it was nonsense, it wasn't true? Why did she tell them that I had had this relationship with him?" And so – you know – they had pictures of me at lunch with her. So –

A JUROR: The pictures were the taped lunch?

THE WITNESS: Yes. The wired lunch.

THE WITNESS: Yes. So that – because they – because I had said on one of the tapes that – you know, if there was a tape of me – I had – I had – I didn't know how th Paula Jones people had gotten my name and I thought maybe they had tapped my phone of maybe they had broken into my computer and read my e-mails.

I didn't know how I had gotten involved in this case and so I had said to Linda, "Well, if they have me on tape, I'll just say it's not me. I'll just say it's not me.

I'll deny it. I'll deny everything."

A JUROR: So they took pictures.

THE WITNESS: Right. So they said, 'We have you on tape saying that you'd deny it and we have pictures to prove that you were there." So –

A JUROR: During this time in the hotel with them did you feel threatened.


A JUROR: Did you feel that they had set a trap?

THE WITNESS: I – I – I did and I had – I didn't understand – I didn't understand why they – why they had to trap me into coming there, why they had to trick me into coming there. I mean, this had all been a set-up and that why – I mean, that was just so frightening. It was so incredibly frightening.

And they told me, you know, over and over again I was free to leave whenever I wanted, but – I – I didn't – I didn't know that there's a grand jury and indicted and then you go to jail. I mean, and a trial and everything. I didn't understand that.

And so I didn't – you know, then there was something that, well, if I partially cooperate they'll talk to the judge, some – you know, we're prepared to indict you of something like that for all these things....


As her session on Aug. 20 came to an end, both the grand jurors and Lewinsky made emotional statements summing up their feelings about the case, with Lewinsky expressing regrets and hatred for Linda Tripp, and some of the jurors wishing her the best for the future and urging her to forgive Tripp and seek serenity.

THE WITNESS: I think what I wanted and expected were two different things. I had – I had been hurt when he referred to me as "that woman" in January, but I was also glad. I was glad that he made that statement and I felt that was the best thing for him to do, was to deny this. And – but I had been hurt. I mean, it showed me how angry he was with me and I understood that.

And his – the people who work for him have trashed me, they claim they haven't said anything about me, they have smeared me and they called me stupid, they said I couldn't write, they said I was a stalker, they said I wore inappropriate clothes, I mean, you all know.

I mean, you've heard them in here, you've read the papers, you've seen on TV, and yet – and then when it came out about the talking points, then somehow no one ever asked the question, well, how could – if she was so stupid and she couldn't write, how is it possible that she wrote the talking points? So then it was, well, someone must have helped her with that. Oh, it's okay, though, it wasn't someone in the White House.

So I just – my family had been maligned because of a lot of their tactics and I felt that – I had wanted him to say that I was a nice, decent person and that he was sorry that this had happened because I – I tried to do as much as I could to protect him.

I mean, I didn't – I didn't – I didn't allow him to be put on tape that night and I didn't – and I – I felt that I waited, you know, and I would have gone to trial had – had – in my mind, had there never been a point where the Office of the Independent Counsel and myself could come to – they could come to accept the truth I had to say, that that was the truth I had to give, and I'm only 24 and so I felt that I – this has been hard for me and this has been hard on my family and I just wanted him to take back – by saying something nice, he would have taken back every disgusting, horrible thing that anyone has said about me from that White House. And that was what I wanted.

What I expected him to do was to just acknowledge in his – either in his apology – you know, that first of all I think he should have straight out apologized and I think that he could have acknowledged that – you know, apologized to me, I think, to the other people who were involved in this and to may family.

My – my dad didn't know anything about the relationship and when he went on his – the few interviews he did, he was telling the truth when he said he didn't know. But out of respect for the president and the presidency, he didn't say – he could have easily said if this is true; X, Y and Z about the president, and I think that because my family didn't start a huge uproar about how wrong or improper or inappropriate it was for a 50-year-old man to be having a relationship with a young woman, we afforded him that, that was one less headache that he had to deal with, and I think he could have acknowledged that. That was what I expected. Does that –

A JUROR: Monica, none of us in this room are perfect. We all fall and we fall several times a day. The only difference between my age and when I was your age is now I get up faster. If I make a mistake and fall, I get up and brush myself off. I used to stay there a while after a mistake. That's all I have to say.

THE WITNESS: Thank you....

A JUROR: Monica, is there anything that you would like to add to your prior testimony, either today or the last time you were here, or anything that you think needs to be amplified on or clarified? I just want to give you the fullest opportunity.

THE WITNESS: ...I think because of the public nature of how this investigation has been and what the charges aired, that I would just like to say that no one ever asked me to lie and I was never promised a job for my silence.

And that I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for everything that's happened.

(The witness begins to cry.)

And I hate Linda Tripp.

A JUROR: Can I just say – I mean, I think I should seize this opportunity now, that we've all fallen short. We sin every day. I don't care whether it's murder, whether it's affairs or whatever. And we get over that. You ask forgiveness and you go on.

There's some that are going to say that they don't forgive you, but he whose sin – you know – that's how I feel about that. So to let you know from here, you have my forgiveness. Because we all fall short.

A JUROR: And that's what I was trying to say.

A JUROR: That's what it's about.

THE WITNESS: Thank you.

A JUROR: And I also want to say that even though right now you feel a lot of hate for Linda Tripp, but you need to move on and leave her where she is because whatever goes around comes around.

A JUROR: It comes around.

A JUROR: It does.

A JUROR: And she is definitely going to have to give an account for what she did, so you need to just go past her and don't keep her because that's going to keep you out.

A JUROR: That's right.

A JUROR: And going to keep you from moving on.

A JUROR: Allowing you to move on.


Q. And just to clarify, and I know we've discussed this before, despite your feelings about Linda Tripp, have you lied to this grand jury about anything with regard to Linda Tripp because you don't like her?

A. I don't think that was necessary. No. It wouldn't have been necessary to lie. I think she's done enough on her own, so –

Q. You would not do that just because of your feelings about here.

A. No.

THE FOREPERSON: Basically what we wanted to leave with, because this will probably be your last visit to us, I hope, I hope I'm not going to have to do this any more and I hope you won't have to come here any more, but we wanted to offer you a bouquet of good wishes that includes luck, success, happiness and blessings.

THE WITNESS: Thank you.

(The witness begins to cry.)

I appreciate all of your understanding for this situation and your – your ability to open your heart and your mind and – and your soul. I appreciate that.

THE FOREPERSON: So if there's nothing else?

MR. EMMICK: Nothing else.

THE FOREPERSON: We'd like to excuse you and thank you very much for your testimony.

THE WITNESS: Thank you.

On August 26, Lewinsky used the relative privacy of a deposition with Starr's attorneys to provide detailed testimony about her relationship with Clinton. Following are excerpts from that deposition:

Q. Did you perform oral sex while he was on the telephone?

A. Yes. It was, it was – I think I'll just say, because for – there are a lot of people that could interpret that as being sort of a, that being done in a servicing sort of manner, and it was more done in kind of an exciting sort of – I don't want to say erotic, but in a way that there was kind of this titillating like a secret, in a sense, in the same way that sometimes an affair is, that, you know, when you are doing this and obviously there is kind of the irony that the person on the other line has no idea what's going on.

So, I just wanted to clarify that.

Q. Okay. Although on that occasion, I believe you previously mentioned that that was the first time that you felt a little funny about it?

A. I, I did. I did. I, I, I, I was, I was pretty emotionally devastated at that point, and the prospect of going to the Pentagon was very upsetting to me. And there were moments when I felt a little uncomfortable, and moments when I didn't.

Q. Although you mentioned that there were other times that he was on the phone, that you didn't think sort of anything bad about it –

A. Right.

Q. – and on this occasion, you felt more like –

A. I just –

Q. – you were servicing –

A. Exactly.

Q. – on some level. And did you tell Linda Tripp about that, do you remember?

A. Probably.

Q. How did that encounter end, if you remember? And actually you've already testified a little bit about this. So, just if you could quickly summarize how you finished the encounter and what happened?

A. We were in the back office and I heard Mr. Ickes call, say, Mr. President, from the Oval Office. And we both were startled and looked at each other, and he jetted into the Oval....

Q. What about the fact that you had gone quietly and not revealed your relationship? Did that have anything to do with your feeling that you were entitled to something?

A. It did later on. I, I would have gone quietly anyway, because that – it was never, ever, ever my intention for this relationship to ever become public. And – but I had felt that after having left quietly, after having been sort of maybe strung along throughout the campaign and then even way into 1997, that I had felt – and his promising me that he'd bring me back and constantly enumerating the different steps he was trying to take to do that – that, yes, I did feel at that point he, he certainly owed me.

Q. Is that part of your letter of July 3rd to the President in 1997, where you described it previously as threatening to disclose the relationship, at least to your parents, was that part of your feeling that –

A. It was never really a, a, maybe a – it was never really a threat, because I never really was going to do that. While I had disclosed a portion of the relationship to my mom, I never had any intention of telling my dad. There's no way of that.

And what I really was trying to do was trying to, in a circuitous manner, remind him that I had been a good girl, and that I hadn't, you know, disclosed this information, and that really, you know, he'd promised me he was going to do something. And I had told my parents, I had told my dad that I was coming back after the election....

Q. One last question from me. Do you, for any reason now, want to hurt the President?

A. No, I'm, I'm upset with him right now, but I, no, that's the last thing in the world I want to do.

Compiled by staff writers Lorraine Adams and Liz Spayd.

© Copyright 1998 The Washington Post Company

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