Come Together, Right Now
By Tony Kornheiser
Washington Post Columnist
December 26, 1995
One of the difficult choices this year was deciding who best represents the contentious spirit of 1995. Was it, for example, mirthful Albert Belle, who was so consistently ornery and abusive to his fellow man that he was denied an MVP award even after completing a season that was positively Ruthian? Or was it greedaholic agent David Falk, who convinced some of his higher profile wage slaves to try and destabilize the NBA on the grounds that however many millions of dollars they make annually—sums so vast they would make teachers, policemen and fire fighters weep—it's never enough? Or was it Joe Gieck, the University of Virginia trainer, who cozied up to the sideline and stuck out his foot, as if to trip a Virginia Tech defensive back on his way to a touchdown? Gieck said afterwards that despite how dicey it looked, he had absolutely no intention of tripping the young man; he just wanted to distract him.
All good choices.
But you can stop calling now, because we have a winner.
The Grinch Who Stole 1995 is none other than that camel's hair coat wearing, loyal fans in all kinds of weather vacating, Bawlmer here I come money smelling Art Modell. Just the other day Modell's wife, Pat, insisted, "The fans shouldn't be mad at us." She blamed Art's departure on people who "didn't buy stadium loges," and indignantly told the Plain Dealer, "Art asked for only $175 million."
Merry Christmas to the Dawg Pound. And to:
Chris and Juwan, Gus and Heath, Pivo and Banzai, Scott and Brian.
Hakeem, Halonzo, Habdul-Jabbar, Harnold "Hred" Hauerbach.
Kate McEwen, Valerie Helmbreck.
Spelling bee honorable mention Shaquille O'Neal, for saying, "That's all I'm going to say about it, period. P-E-R-I-D."
Tommie Frazier, Joe Frazier, Frasier Crane.
Steve Young to Jerry Rice, John Stockton to Karl Malone; Nuke LaLoosh to Crash Davis.
Rebecca Lobo, Los Lobos, Kevin Garnett, Warner.
Hideo Nomo, Gheorghe Muresan, Boubacar Aw, Alexander Koul; Doug Flutie.
Cameron Dollar, Grace Lee Nikkel, Penny Hardaway.
The Squire, LaSooz.
Reggie Miller, Corey Pavin, David Justice, Constantino Rocca, Martin Brodeur, Tyus Edney; Mike Hoban.
Dee Brown, Der Shteffer, Di Spencer, Dom Capers, Dot Com.
Quote machine Andy Van Slyke, who was here too briefly, but managed to say this during an Orioles losing streak, "We are the Ebola virus of baseball."
Peter McNeeley, Buster Mathis Jr.; Chris Miller.
Vernon Maxwell, Bryan Cox, Jack McDowell; Randy Myers.
Tim Robbins, who played a Washington Post sportswriter having a Parisian fling with Julia Roberts in "Ready To Wear"—type casting, obviously.
Tim Duncan, Marcus Camby, Kerry Kittles, Ray Allen.
Mario Lemieux, Ernie Irvan, Monica Seles, Mike Krzyzewski; No. 23 and No. 45.
Barry, Jerry, Terry; Jimmy.
John Kruk, Dave Stewart; Joe Montana; Monte Coleman.
Jacques Demers, Paul Holmgren, Rick Bowness, Kevin Constantine; Bill Blair.
Littwin, Lupica, Ryan, Schaap, Chad, Dowd.
Bobby Hoying, Oscar de la Hoya; Allen Iverson.
Elmer Bruker, Bennie Beaver; Al Sobotka.
Ben Crenshaw, for crying for Harvey Penick. Pete Sampras, for crying for Tim Gullickson; Patti LuPone.
Miguel Indurain, Walking In The Rain, Dustin Hoffman.
Judge Sonia Sotomayor, Judge Linda Hamilton.
Elvis Grbac, Elvis Stojko, Larry Finch, Mark Grace, Don King.
Pedro Borbon Sr.
Derrick Coleman, Jeff and Benedicte Tarango; Murphy Jensen.
Kordell Stewart, Brian Mitchell, B.J. Surhoff.
Cigar; Moe Segar, Jim Carey.
Billy Hahn, Patrick Ewing; Dennis Conner; Ben Wright.
Gary Moeller; Howard Schnellenberger; Glen Mason.
Roy Jones Jr., Ken Griffey Jr., Ken Norton Jr; bet you thought I'd mention Feinstein.
Don Fehr and Bud Loathing; Dale Hunter, John Thompson.
Deion, for explaining, "I don't need more exposure. I'm household."
Randy Johnson, Michael Johnson, Howard Johnson; Ben McDonald, Jerry West.
Antonio McDyess, Drayton McLane; McDLT.
Steve Sampson, Bruce Arena, new downtown arena.
Abe Pollin and Robert Johnson, Phil Regan and Kenny Rosenthal, Sonny and Joe T.
Billy "Car Phone" Collins.
Darnell Autry, Gary Barnett; Wilbon.
Jerry Stackhouse, Chipper Jones, Joey Galloway.
Kevin Duckworth, the former Reggie Brooks.
Andy, Gary, Bobby.
Steve Hendrickson, Tim Legler, Jeff Manto.
June Jones, Toby Bailey, Shirley Povich.
Herb Sendek, Fran Fraschilla; Jim Phelan.
Art Donovan, Robert Goulet—"good-bad, like the kids say, kabeesh?"
Landon Hackim, Malik Cupid, Bas de Voogd; Joe Smith.
Devin Davis, Pervis Ellison, David Poile, Bryant Reeves, Mike Frensley.
Marv, Al; Dan and Keith.
Riddick Bowe, Bo Jackson.
Butch Davis, Bill Bayno, Joe Torre.
© 1995 The Washington Post Company
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