Kickoff: 6:18 p.m. Sunday Where: Pro Player Stadium, Miami TV-Radio: WTTG-5, WBFF-45, WTEM-980 Line: Broncos by 7½

By Norman Chad
Washington Post Columist
Friday, January 29, 1998; Page D8

The business of America is stuffing it down the other guy's throat, which is why Super Bowl Sunday is our truest national holiday. Everyone loves football, everyone loves America, everyone loves money. At Super Bowl XXXIII, we get it all! And I've seen 'em all – I even watched Super Bowl I simultaneously on NBC and CBS – and I can tell you that, other than spitting into the Grand Canyon as a 7-year-old, there has been no greater joy in my somewhat empty life than sidling up to the Super Bowl on the sofa every year.

Anyway, you've got questions; we've got answers. So – as is our usual custom this time of year – let's address the most compelling inquiries about the Super Bowl:

A few weeks ago you wrote, "The Atlanta Falcons in the Super Bowl? It is a statistical and sociocultural improbability. It should not happen, cannot happen, will not happen." Well?

Prognostication, my friends, is an art, not a science. Who do I look like, Bill Nye? I create images – large, sweeping, imperfect images. Sometimes they have that Jackson Pollock look, sometimes they have that finger painting look. So buzz off.

Is it true the folks at Fox are doing seven hours of Super Bowl pregame programming?
They would've done eight, but they didn't want to pay Cris Collinsworth overtime.

Do you like the rule instituted this season that penalizes a team for having 12 men in the huddle?
No. As long as you have 11 on the field when the ball is snapped, that's all that matters. I mean, what if Mark Schlereth is telling a really, really funny story between plays? Why shouldn't 15 or 20 of his teammates be there to hear it? It's good for morale. Geez.

By the way, does the NFL need full-time officials?
No. What's a "full-time" official going to do, practice his offsides signal on Wednesdays?

What will happen if an officiating blunder – one that could've been corrected by instant replay – decides the outcome of the game?
Western civilization as we know it will crumble.

The Dirty Bird or The Salute?
The High-Five.

By now, we all know that ABC's Boomer Esiason used "you know" a lot. Beyond that, how was he as a budding analyst?
Here is a sampling of actual Esiason statements from "Monday Night Football" this season: "That's not a good thing for a defense when you miss a tackle," "The fact of the matter is, you want to win these ball games" and "You like to get positive yards on first down." Next case.

How old exactly is the Falcons' Steve DeBerg?
He is the only quarterback in NFL history to throw interceptions during the administrations of two impeached presidents – Andrew Johnson (1868) and Bill Clinton (1998).

What's the deal with Bud Bowl '99?
My biggest problem with the whole Bud Bowl thing is that they never really have any good teams playing. I mean, if the Anheuser-Busch bigwigs had any brass at all, they'd get, say, Heineken and Samuel Adams every once in a while. Heck, Bud Lite's like Notre Dame – it doesn't matter what their record is, they're bowl-bound.

What commercials do you hope to avoid during the Super Bowl telecast?
I've had it with that "Northern Exposure" guy, dripping of faux sincerity, telling me about "the new Ford Explorer built Ford-tough."

How many people watch the Super Bowl?
I cannot think of a single person in America – other than possibly Richard C. Holbrooke, who's working on world peace as we speak, and my ex-wife – who doesn't watch the game.

Why is The Man going to remarry?
Well, look how splendidly Randall Cunningham did when he got a second chance, plus I could use the dowry.

Is there anybody out there with whom you absolutely, positively would not sit down to watch Super Bowl XXXIII?
Tim Green, Leigh Steinberg, any member of Shannon Sharpe's family, James Carville, Jim McMahon, Ice Cube, Chris Matthews, Fran Drescher, Charlie Rose, Jeff George, Larry King and Shawn, Bruce Coslet, Lew Wasserman, Dick Morris, Carrot Top, Alan Dershowitz, Osama bin Laden, August A. Busch III, August A. Busch IV or any bartender who serves any August Busch.

What would you do if you owned the Cowboys for a day?
Draft Randy Moss.

What's a good thing to eat while watching the Super Bowl telecast?
For starters, pigs in a blanket; during the game, Chilean sea bass with balsamic glaze, accompanied by a vegetable salad of daikon, carrots, onions and radish clover; afterward, peanuts would be good.

What are the two closest prime numbers between 300 and 400?
311 and 313.

So, who exactly does The Man like in Super Bowl XXXIII?
As I have stated recently, I don't much care for the dirty-low-down Broncos. They have the best players, but not the best people, which makes them the Clinton White House in cleats. Anyway, considering the type of season it's been, this game undoubtedly will have a controversial late call and a coin toss for overtime, which makes the Falcons and 7½ points a mighty good tax-free investment.

Last week: 0-2.
Season record: 123-113-12.