9. Every five seconds, goal or no goal, have that nutty Spanish guy scream, "Goooooaaaallll!"

8. Use clever ad slogans like, "Soccer — You'll Get a Kick Out of It!"

7. Stop bein' a bunch of old ladies and let 'em use their hands, for God's sake.

6. Add four bases, a ball and a bat like a real damn sport!

5. Get all them damn foreigners off the field.

4. How 'bout some cars gettin' smashed up real good?

3. Lewinsky!

2. Replace ref with Jerry Springer and let the fun begin.

1. Less corner kicking, more coach-kicking.