(By Nick Galifianakis)

Oh goody, two of my favorite topics: Maniacal wedding planners and the Gumbies who love them.

Of all the grounds for insulting a close friend, the desire to have an even-numbered wedding party wins the award for Most Likely to Come From the Depths of a Severely Petty Soul. But let's give the bride some credit: Numbers are clearly just the pasties she's put on the real issue of feeling threatened by you. Which points to insecurity, a different shortcoming altogether. (In addition to pettiness, not in lieu of. For the record.)

The problem is, her cover story makes your snub a wedding issue, not a jealousy one, and, sadly, our society has taught men that their proper place in a wedding is to standbackohmigawdgiveher WHATEVERSHEWANTS!!!!! We've also told them it's perfectly acceptable for brides to resort to Gestapo tactics to wrench airbrushed perfection out of a day that will nevertheless be just as subject to the cruel vagaries of fate as any other. (May it rain on them all.) Which is why it's understandable that he claimed his hands were tied.

They weren't, of course, which is why it's also feeble. If he had any structural integrity, he would have argued for your inclusion – or explained why he didn't: "This is my soon-to-be-wife we're talking about, and I have to live with the beast, so I'd rather just indulge her petty jealousies than fight for your right to wear a matching chiffon putrescence known as a bridesmaid's dress."

And about that matching mock-titanium truss known as a bridesmaid's dress: I think you're also guilty of letting appearances trump the point. That you were denied a chance to parade around in a matching lavender polyester tutu known as a bridesmaid's dress is not the kind of complaint that wins sympathy. That your friendship was minimized because you're female is a much stronger stand.

Not that it matters. If she's hellbent on running his life and he's hellbent on letting her, all of his emotional ties – family, too – will eventually be sacrificed to She Who Must Be Obeyed.

Dear Carolyn:
After a 10-year hiatus, I recently dated my first girlfriend for five months. I was aware of her brief engagement the year before, but she indicated that she allowed the relationship to go further than it should have before she ended it.

We had a truly great time together until she found out her ex was now living with another woman. She became extremely upset about the "new" woman, and it seemed to affect her enthusiasm toward me. This finally triggered something in me (perhaps influenced by memories of my bad feelings over our teenage breakup), and I let her go. I felt like a classic "rebound man." She says I should have stuck it out. I will always care about her, but can one "stick it out" when the other person's mind is occupied?

– Couldn't Be More Confused

Bolt first, ask questions later – how male of you.

I'll admit, it's pretty low for me to single you out in this epic battle of the bruised egos. Regard the carnage: Discarded fiance eases pain by entering replacement relationship; ex-fiancee freaks out at how painlessly she was replaced; current boyfriend sees her pain over ex and bails. A three-way triumph of decision-making.

Her mistake was dealing with this "loss" like a big baby – or not asking at least for some time alone, to cry like a big baby and sort out her feelings.

But you made a mistake, too, by getting huffy and giving up instead of giving her time alone to sort out her feelings. It's entirely possible that her being "occupied" wasn't about you at all. Think about it. With her fiance, she had the edge. She let things drag out, she liked him less than he liked her, she called it off. Having that much power is pretty unhealthy for a relationship and more than a little boring and really really easy to get used to: When life gets weird, there's instant comfort in knowing this one person will always jump to your side. Selfish? Insecure? Possessive? All of the above – plus normal, and human.

So one day, bam, your girlfriend learns she has no fail-male standing by. She forgets you exist, rails at the injustice and indulges her worst fearful self. She still doesn't want this guy, she just, in a way, needs him.

It's a theory.

Either that, or she loves him more. This is a deceptively complicated situation; you took it personally and fled. If you really want her, shelve the ego, get back there and see which theory fits.