(From Dummies Daily)

"What's that noise?" screams the terrified customer.

New version:
Tech: Tech support, how may I help you?

Caller: This computer is brand new and it doesn't even work.

Tech: Well, ma'am, have you set it up correctly?

Caller: Well, I think so. I unpacked it, set it up, plugged it in. But now I've sat here for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen, and it just won't come on.

Tech: Well, what happens when you turn on the power switch?

Caller: What power switch?

Why am I telling you these jokes? First, to prove that chain saw jokes are funnier than computer jokes. Second, to let you know that you aren't the only ignoramus who has troubles with computers. If you ever get down on yourself because you don't know Shockwave from shareware, relax. Plenty of other folks are just as stupid as you are.

I, for instance. And scores of other dolts whose stories, such as the one above, are found on the site Tech Support Tales: The Publication Which Proves That Stupidity Breeds Humor.

It's not that I'm 'puterphobic. I just want to learn about the machines on a "need to know" basis. I'm basically a computer agnostic. I marvel at the machinery, but what I really care about is the content.

There are some delightful Web sites for folks who don't give a hoot about the jazziest, snazziest innovations, for those who just want to get the maximum utility out of the dang fool things. At Dummies Daily: The Online Resource for the Rest of Us, you can sign up for e-mail on one of 13 topics. With Nerd Word of the Day, for instance, you can explore the strange language (stranguage, perhaps?) of the computer world and discover that a tilde is still called a tilde.

If you like computer humor, try Thomas Fasulo's I Hate Computers Web site. Fasulo is also an entomologist at the University of Florida, so he knows a bug from a feature. In "Other Reasons to Hate Computers," you'll find a list of tech jokes – some of which are actually almost kind of funny. Here's an edited version of one:

A computer-toting know-it-all and an entomologist were on a plane together. The know-it-all challenged the bug man to a contest. "I'll ask you a question," the know-it-all said. "If you don't know the answer, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question and if I don't know the answer, I'll give you $50."

"Fair enough," said the bug man.

"What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?" the know-it-all asked. Without saying a word, the bug man handed the know-it-all a $5 bill.

"Okay," the bug man said, "what insect goes up a hill on six legs and comes down on four?" The know-it-all pulled out his laptop, searched all his reference CD-Roms, plugged his modem into the Airphone and scoured the files of the Library of Congress and entomology schools around the world. Finally he e-mailed all his friends. No one knew the answer. Reluctantly, the know-it-all pulled out a $50 bill and gave it to the bugman, who turned over in his chair to get some sleep.

"So what's the answer?" the know-it-all pleaded.

The bug man didn't say a word. He just rolled over and handed the know-it-all another $5 bill.

Linton Weeks can be reached at weeksl@washpost.com

CLICK: Kevin Rubio's Troops How did a domestic dispute turn Luke Skywalker's parental guardians into Sand-People side dish? Why do those Stormtroopers endure unbearable Tatooine heat in those white Fiberglas helmets? These nagging questions from "Star Wars" are answered in "Troops," a five-part QuickTime parody of "Fargo," "Star Wars" and the "COPS" television show that manages to salute and skewer them all at once. The word on the street is that producer George Lucas has taken notice and, in unprecedented creative tribute, decided not to sue. Note: You'll need the QuickTime plug-in and about 20 minutes per video over a modem. But trust us: it's worth the wait. – Dan Pacheco

Two More Sets of Thumbs
Weekdays, Lisa and Larry Brooks of Annandale seem like an ordinary suburban couple. She's an occupational therapist; he's a training manager. But on the weekends, they visit the local multiplex and pursue their other careers as the local Siskel and Ebert of the Internet since 1996.

Their personal Web site features pithy and irreverent "He Said/She Said" reviews of the movies they see, describing, for example "how many heads explode and/or sensitive, tearful, moments occur in a film."

But they agree more often than they might like to admit, as in "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas."

He said: "This movie was bad, really bad. It was so bad I was really tempted to walk out about halfway through. ... There was also lots of vomit, which by the way is the sign of a great movie."

She said: "This is the most visually repugnant movie . . . possibly since they started making movies. There's lots of vomiting, people sitting/standing/wading in brackish water, clothing styles from the '70s, and Johnny Depp's nicotine stained teeth. . . . " – Laura Bligh

Whatever ou Say, Boss . . .
Once, doodling demonic pictures of your boss or co-workers was the best way to vent workplace frustration. Now a local attorney is using Web tools to share his screeds in an animated comic called NetSerfs.

N. Matheson MacKinnon, once a serf himself at a large D.C. firm and now a contract lawyer temp, has carved out a series of Web cartoons in which funny critters toil under bosses' boots. A manager breathes fire, burning her serfs to a crisp, and the big boss appears as an electric eel snapping the neck of anyone looking up from his work.

MacKinnon hopes to market the site and tie-in merchandise like hats and mugs, competing with Dilbert for the harried office droid market. Who knows? One day he might employ NetSerfs that he himself could drive batty. – Robert Thomason