By Evelyn Porreca Vuko
Special to The Washington Post
Monday, November 15, 1999; Page C04

Dino's been on the sofa so long he'll need surgery to have it removed. He's convinced that no matter how hard he studies for his middle school tests or does his homework or pays attention in class, it won't help his grades. Grades, he believes, are a matter of pure luck and teacher whims.

Teacher Says: Bring down the gavel on Dino's sofa-suffocated ideas! Help him change his thoughts and get motivated to learn at school and at home. This all starts with the parents, of course.

If nightly monitoring, punishing and rewarding haven't worked, what's next? "Instead of trying to change the child, parents must do something much more difficult. They must change themselves," says Natalie Rathvon, a licensed clinical psychologist and educational consultant in Bethesda, and author of "The Unmotivated Child: Helping Your Underachiever Become a Successful Student" (Fireside, $12). "Parents must change the ways in which they interact with the underachiever," she says.

Changing yourself means learning to speak Martian. "The underachiever unconsciously uses language not to communicate his true feelings but to disguise them. I refer to this language as Martian because it seems so alien to parents," says Rathvon.

Learn the buzz words first. Kids like Dino characteristically rely on absolutes to mask their true feelings. Their sentences "resound with such words as nobody, all, totally, always and never," says Rathvon, who advises parents to ignore the surface content and reply instead to the underlying reasons for angry, anxious, helpless feelings about school work.

Parents must "empathize with painful feelings that lie behind the absolutes," she says. If Dino declares he'll never pass his math test, respond by saying, "It seems really difficult to do well in math class. There must be a lot of work and it can be pretty confusing." Focus on his "present strivings, not his past failures, or the terrible things that will happen to him if he doesn't shape up," she says.

Then boot up his past successes. "Parents should focus on communicating their steadfast belief in the child's ability to solve problems," says Rathvon. If Dino gets up a whine about the pointlessness of writing his history paper because he's going to get an F anyway, use his past successes to give him a boost. Say, for example, "I know English is tough, but I bet that someone who could figure out how to program the VCR as fast as you did could figure out a way to learn prepositions. Let me know if I can help."

Use constructive, not destructive, encouragement. Reshape Dino's "internal image of himself and others not by focusing on the product or the ability but on the effort," says Rathvon. Avoid all phrases that sound like your father; such as, "your mother and I only want you to do your best," or "a B is good, but I bet if you try a little harder next time, you'll get an A." Say, instead, "You are really learning how to work those equations!" Or "You are working hard on your handwriting and it shows."

Changes can be made in school, too. The best school environment for building motivation is a warm, supportive classroom where kids feel encouraged and welcomed despite their ability levels. Though, try as hard as teachers might, it's the kids who often condemn their own motivation by comparing themselves to others. Parents can help here, too.

"About second grade they figure out the distribution of ability; that the Blue Birds are better readers than the Red Birds," says Rathvon. "This is where the peak of referrals [ages 7 and 8] come for child development clinics." When Dino moans, "Johnny got a better grade than me." Rathvon says parents should respond by asking, "how hard do you want to work on this problem--on a scale of one to 10?"

Erase dark thoughts. "You have to disrupt their belief that ability is fixed" she says. Remind kids, "practice and habits make a difference." And tell Dino, "Johnny just might be working harder than you are. What did you do after school today? Watch TV? What do you think it would take to bring your grade from a B to an A?" Then make a plan, together.

She cautions parents about their tone of voice and the look in their eyes during this type of emotion-wracked dialogue. "We have to say it in such a way that the kids see the hopefulness in our eyes," she says.

Motivation in school also has to do with a student's desire to participate. Some activities are inspiring just by their nature. "Performing publicly encourages you to do better," says John Culver, a fifth-grade student at Maret School in Northwest Washington. "The first thing my band teacher told us this year was about the public program we would be doing in December. I am excited about that," he says.

"It's more fun when you can work together as a team," says Culver. "There is more pressure when you work alone. When you work in a group, it is a lot more exciting and fun," he says. "You are interacting with what you need to know. Reading from a book is boring by comparison," he says. (Teachers: Listen up.)

Motivate Dino out of the sofa first, by changing your tune. Allow him the liberty of his feelings then steer him in a better direction. Use constructive encouragement to teach lessons at home and at school. Finding some new means of motivating Dino will certainly help him and might, in the long run, save you on surgery bills.

Contact Evelyn Vuko online at evuko@teachersays.com or write her at Style Plus, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C., 20071.

E-Mail This Article