Tuesday, April 13, 1999

Carolyn Hax recently took a break from answering questions about girlfriends-from-hell and backstabbing roommates to discuss the event commonly known as The Most Important Day Of Your Life. This special edition of Tell Me About It was devoted to wedding-related questions and comments, such as bachelor party etiquette, making the ceremony run smoothly, and dealing with new in-laws.

Appearing every Friday in The Washington Post Style section, Tell Me About ItŽ offers readers under 30 advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there – really recently. Carolyn Hax is a 32-year-old displaced New Englander and eight-year newspaper veteran with still-married parents, three older sisters, a mad-artist husband and way too many shoes. Her "expertise" (she added the quotation marks, we didn't) is in bad dates, school pressures, strict parents and dubious decisions, and she specializes in stupid teenage stunts, which she likes to call "learning experiences."

Vienna, VA: How do you deal with the bossy future mother-in-law?She has suggested several times for us to get a bigger church to hold more of her friends-our church holds 140 and she has 100 people she would like to invite-. However, then we would have to take out a loan to pay for the reception.We love the church, attend there regularly and want to keep things small. How can I politely tell her to quit the talk on our need for a bigger church or is it best to stay silent?

Carolyn Hax: Tranquilizer gun, like any other ferocious beast. Either that, or you and your intended get ferocious yourselves. You just say no, youšre sorry, you both have strong ties to this church and are both committed to a smaller wedding, and donšt budge. Itšs your day. But as with any pestilent‹-I mean, persistent‹-in-law, itšs up to the child to draw the line and enforce it, not the childšs future spouse (i.e., you). Donšt let yourself be conscripted to fight your fiance(e)šs battles against the Momster.

Baltimore, MD: Dear Carolyn,

My future in-laws are extremely generous and kind people. As a gesture of their helpfulness, they are frequently giving my fiance and I "gifts" for our new home. The only problem is my taste is VERY different from theirs and I do not know how to tactfully handle these gifts that I will not want to display in my new home. Any ideas? I don't want to start off on the wrong foot with them!

Carolyn Hax: You handle them with a conveniently placed closet, from which you quickly distribute all the treasures around your house whenever the in-laws visit.

Washington, DC: Carolyn: OK, I must admit, I am NOT getting married anytime soon, though I think the proposal is right around the corner -OK, a year or two-. My question is about friends that are getting married, this October. You see my boyfriend and I just found out they are getting married, and it's made me a tad bit jealous. Boy do I wish we were them right now. They have been together much longer, and lived together which my boyfriend and I don't believe in, but now they are ready to make the committment. My question: Will we still be friends with the married couple? Will it be too awkwared? Signed, single-though-not-for-long-in-DC.

Carolyn Hax: Oh come on! You aren't these people's friends now if you can't even be happy for them without thinking of yourself.

Wash, DC: My wedding dilemma is the long distance thing. His family is local, mine are about 7 hours by car, 1 hour by plane. Even though I live here, my family tells me it's traditional to have the wedding where the bride is from. I guess it's all about personal decions, but I feel caught in the middle that if we have it where I am from, a lot of his family won't travel and vice versa. Is there a way to accomodate everyone, or I am just dreaming. Thanks for your input!

Carolyn Hax: Have it where you want.

New York, NY: Carolyn,

First of all, I think your chat and column are great. I'm glad you're out there.
I'm 24 and I am getting married in 2001. My fiance, who I've been with for 4 years, is posted out of the country and will be until a month before our date. Is that enough time for him to be back? I'll see him about 3 or 4 more times before his return. I have no doubts, I just want him to be "readjusted" and not worsen any re-entry culture shock he may have. Also, to give us some time together before the craziness of the time before the ceremony. I want to figure this out now while the date is still flexible. He says its fine, but I think he really just wants us to start our lives together ASAP, we miss each other a lot and that may be effecting our decision to have it as soon as he gets back. The other side is, we will be going somewhere else overseas anywhere from 3-6 months later. So its not as though we have a huge window.
Thanks!

Carolyn Hax: When it comes to weddings, I think any and all doubts should be heeded. Why not push back the ceremony until you're scheduled to go overseas, or a few weeks before? That'll give you time to chill, and then the big move would become a milestone, the beginning of your new married life.

Olney, Md.: For Vienna, VA and the bossy mother-in-law. What our family has done is had an open invitation -to the wedding- for members of the church, but the reception itself was at another location and by invitation only, thus keeping the cost manageable. Of course those guests to just the wedding aren't expected to give a present. Try that compromise with her.

Carolyn Hax: I like that idea for similar cases, but this one has a money element. This couple would have to go into debt to expand the reception to please the Momster and her friends. Unacceptable. If she's willing to pay the freight for a bigger reception, now, that's a different story. But, again, her kid is the one to approach her with that option.

Olney, Md.: Carolyn,

Should a groom exercise some control over the "guest list" for a bachelor party? When it happens for me, part of the problem is that my friends are split among very different groups of types of people, and whoever is best man has no chance of knowing guys to invite across groups. Also, there are some people that I would really feel uncomfortable having present, so would I be justified in discussing the situation with the best man -of course before anything gets planned and invitations are sent--I wouldn't want to cause the embarrassment of trying to uninvite anyone. How might one go about unruffling feathers of some guys that might feel that they should have been invited to the bachelor party -because they consider me as a best friend while I just consider them as a good aquaintance?

Carolyn Hax: I'm biased toward being inclusive on these things, because going to the trouble of hurting someone is always worse then you expect it to be, whereas simply including a borderline guest is rarely as bad as you expect. Still, it's your party. Do what makes you most comfortable. Then, by all means, go over the guest list with the best man. Brides are routinely asked to propose guest lists for their showers; grooms should be treated the same.

Alexandria, VA: I have been a bridesmaid in two friends' weddings a number of years ago and I do not plan on asking them to be in my bridal party. Do I owe such friends an explanation?

Carolyn Hax: Nope. Explaining can even make things worse. It tell them you knew you'd be hurting them and you did it anyway.

Alexandria, VA: I am getting married in September and just wanted to throw my 2 cents in. One of the best pieces of advice I got was that there is no "must" or "have to" or "need." There is only "should" and even "should" isn't written in concrete. Given that, how do you deal with family who makes comments about the amount of money we're spending -more than a "traditional" wedding in my fiance's family- or who offer to help us save money by doing things in a way that we don't want done. I think the comment that's been bothering me the most is "I'm glad I'm not the one paying for that."

Carolyn Hax: Just smile it off, even if it's one of those vaguely deranged I'm-actually-clenching-my-teeth smiles, and say "no, thank you, we've got things under control" when people offer suggestions. Just make sure you don't ask any of these people for money at any time in the next few decades.

Fairfax, VA: We are trying to finalize our bridal party. Our problem: we have more friends than we have room for bridesmaids and groomsmen. If my fiance' and I have been in our friends weddings are we obligated to have them in ours? We have something for everyone to do with the exception of one person--my fiance' was a groomsman in his wedding 4 years ago. But the friendship has changed--are we obligated to have him in our wedding? Would asking him to be an usher be offensive? What is the proper etiquette?

Carolyn Hax: Wait a minute, I thought the groomsmen *were* the ushers.

First, you are under no obligation to do an even trade on wedding party services, as I said before. Second, you didn't give this as an option, but I don't think you need to hew to any standards of "room" when it comes to wedding parties. Whoever is a good enough friend should make it, regardless. I also recommend the no-wedding-party option, when the selection process becomes too hurful or the numbers too unweildy. If you both have siblings, include them and be done with it. If you don't, choose your closest friend to attend to you and be done with it. This is one of those cases where your feelings the feelings of your friends are far more important than traditions or balanced-looking photographs.

Arlington, VA: RE: Alexandia...
I disagree Carolyn. I have been is several friends weddings, yet have not asked any of these women to be in my bridal party. My fiance and I explained that we're keeping the bridal party small. I'll have my sister, his sister and my best friend. My girlfriends were more than understanding and have even offered to help with the shower, etc because they don't have to buy a dress, etc.

Carolyn Hax: If it's an easy explanation like that, okay, I see your point. The exclusion isn't one your friends should take personally. But a lot of these exclusions are of the we-aren't-that-close-any-more variety, and I still believe those are best left unspoken.

Washington, D.C.: Hi Carolyn! Love your chats -and your advice-. My fiancé and I are getting married in August 1999 -After a breakup based on some advice from you--we got back together after figuring out we did the wrong thing by splitting--your advice was dead-on!-, and we're in the enviable position of being in really good planning shape, and right now seem to not be having any major family problems...phew! However, I wanted to hear what one -or two- things you and your husband did while planning your wedding that you will forever be glad you did, and the one -or two- things you did that you will eternally regret?

Carolyn Hax: I'll answer you, but I'm lost: Did I break you up, or get you back together?

We don't have a lot of regrets, because we kept it simple and had a ball. Both of those--simplicity, and therefore low stress, and remembering to have fun--were our best moves. The caterer even said to me, "You're the first bride I've even seen eat." Now, aside from what that says about my weakness for filet mignon, isn't that sad?

Regrets, that's tougher. My biggest regret was going to get my hair done while everyone else had a knock-down, drag-out game of volleyball. Hair, shmair, I should have played. Second regret was not reserving a big hotel room to have a pre-wedding champagne-happy girlfest with my bridesmaids. I dressed alone. I always get a little sad thinkibng about it.

As for Nick, I'm not sure he was in a conscious enough state to have generated an actual planning-related regret. I'll have to ask.

Rockville, MD: My fiancee and I just recently got engaged - last Sat - and have started talking wedding plans. The problem we are having is that most of my friends are women, as are hers. I'd like to include my friends in the wedding party but she is against having "women in tuxes" How should we handle this issue?

Carolyn Hax: Women in dresses. I think both sides of the wedding party look just fine co-ed. Or you could go with what I mentioned before, the no-wedding-party wedding party. Siblings only or one best friend.

Washington, DC: Speaking of money issues, I need some advice. My fiance's parents are pretty well off and haven't asked us about contributing. How do I put my fiance up to the task of asking them to contribute without relinquishing control of the guest list and arrangements?

Carolyn Hax: Sorry, can't have both. You two ultimately decide on the plans, but people who pay have more say. Even then, I think you should scrap the begging plan and start putting together a low-cost wedding. Just because they're well off doesn't mean you have a right to hit them up for expenses. Plan what you can handle.

DC: I asked my bridesmaids to be in my wedding party over a year ago. The wedding date was set and 5 out of the 6 of them made their travel arrangements well in advance. One of them, who is an otherwise wonderful person, kept putting it off and telling me that she would get to it everytime I reminded her. The wedding is now 40 days away and the cheapest fare she can find is $600+, which she says she cannot afford. I really can't either but at this point, it seems like I have no other choice. Any suggestions?

Carolyn Hax: You have plenty of choices. You pay, or she takes a bus, or she misses the wedding.

Silver Spring, Maryland: We got married almost a year ago and lingering feelings of resentment still exist on my part towards my in-laws, especially my MIL. My family and I paid for 95% of wedding expenses. My husband, then fiance, asked her to pay for the flowers yet she refused, saying she only had money for the rehearsal dinner. Yet her guest list was a mile long, and we spent a lot of money on sending invitations to all those people, all of whom are out of state and only 5% of whom showed up at the very nice wedding and reception. I won't even mention how many sent gifts. And she's better off than my family, as is my husband's father who's divorced from the mother. Any idea how to peacefully co-exist from now on? Luckily, she's out of town, but I'm afraid my resentment might show sooner or later.

Carolyn Hax: By my count, you're only out invitation money, since her mile-long guest list didn't show. And she had no obligation to pay for the flowers, though granted, it would have been the nice thing to do. Seems like time to let it go.

Washington, D.C.: In answer to your question -And sorry if I was confusing...---I broke things off after much perusal of your advice. I took to heart everything you said about walking away if it seems like the right thing to do because you'll know--once you're apart--whether you should be together or stay apart. And all's well -in my case- because we figured out that we needed to be together!

Carolyn Hax: Oh, phew, I though I broke you up and you were being sarcastic about the advice being right on. Much better that I broke you up for the right reasons. I guess. Thanks for the clarification, congratulations and good luck.

Miami, FL: I have a good friend who is getting married in three months. I'd love to attend, and she knows this. But I truely can't afford to go -- she and her fiancee decided to have the wedding in Hawaii and this is just not doable for me. Nevertheless, the hard sell is constant to the point that I'm avoiding her. And I'm worried that she's going to alienate a lot of her friends if this keeps up. We're not a wealthy crowd...

I'm flattered to really be wanted; but how to firmly and tactfully end the discussion for good-- without being forced to go into the nitty gritty of my financial situation...? So far I've been pretty straight forward but she doesn't hear me because I think she's worried that no one is going to come and it's a mission.

Ideas?

Carolyn Hax: Geez, talk about high maintenance. All you can do is tell the truth: You'd like nothing more than to attend the wedding, but you can't possibly afford it. If she lets on to you that she's worried, there's your opening: "Have you considered having the wedding here?" So they lose a deposit or two, it's better than having nobody there. What a maroon.

Washington, DC: Can I say bridesmaid horror. My bridesmaid has not paid me back for her deposit on her dress. The dress has been cut and being shipped. Basically, she has stuck me with the bill which I really can't afford to pay. She has avoided my calls and has not helped the other b-maids with my shower. She also did not come with us to shop for shoes and accessories. Here is the kicker - she is the best man's girlfriend. I don't know whether I should pay the dress for her to wear or give her the boot? Either way - I will end up paying for the $200 dress. I am also afraid that she will influence the best man not to participate in the wedding if I boot her since she wears the pants in the relationship. What should I do? I have offered my help and I am fed up. I am too mad to call her at this point. I will just blow up.

Carolyn Hax: Have your fiance talk to the best man.

New York, NY : My finace and I are getting married on July 31 and we are beginning to think about table arrangements. It will be a sit-down reception and we've decided with the advice of the reception planner to have a "young" side of the room and an "older" side, not brides v- grooms. I would like to mix the tables - have some of "my" side sit with "his" side and vice versa. It seems to me like it would be less segregated and more fun. His parents have objected though, who say that people will enjoy themselves only if they know everybody at the table. I would especially like our families to interact. The planning has been relatively smooth thus far, and I'm guessing I should just give in. But I think it would be more enjoyable if people met each other, which i doubt will happen if they're seated totally separately. Any thoughts?

Carolyn Hax: This reminds me of that blissful scene in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" when Our Hero finds himself seated with about a decadešs worth of past girlfriends.

Išve seen both sides of this argument. In fact, whenever a glance at the seating arrangements reveals one of these sides at the extreme, Išm in hell. First rendition of hell is finding out my entire friend pod has been broken up and scattered one to a table. Now, mind you, Išm not opposed to making new friends, nor to conversing with strangers. I like to see a new face. But my high school, college and even post-college friends are, literally, all over the world, and that means Išve had to travel for all but maybe a half-dozen weddings. (Donšt know how many weddings there have been, but one year there were eight, I remember that, and this year will bring at least four.) That also means I have friends there that I see maybe once a year. So when Išve paid the air fare and schlepped out of town and shucked out dress money because Išve batted the cycle on all the old ones, Išm pretty pissy about being forced to socialize for three hours with a whole table full of people Išll never see again.

The other-side hell is being a stray single at a wedding, not knowing a lot of people, and being warehoused at a strays' table while all the intact cliques whoop it up at other tables.

The ideal is, as always, a compromise. Create tables of a few people who know each other plus a few new people of similar ages/interests/ temperaments. Do some serious social engineering.

Then, build in a fail-safe: Don't imprison people at the tables for too long with a bunch of scripted, wedding-y events like first dances and cake cuttings. Encourage people to get up and mingle during these.

That's it for today. Thanks everybody, I had fun. Congratulations to everyone, and remember not to stress yourselves into little nuptial head cases. Remember to eat.

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