First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 269, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: email@example.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 18. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Ad No One Personally Gives a Crap About was written by David Genser of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.
Report from Week 266,
And the winner of the bag of 49 whoopie cushions:
Perplexed -- adj., lost in a movie theater.
Population -- n., that nice sensation you get when drinking soda.
Racket -- n., a small pair of breasts.
Lymph -- v., to walk with a lisp.
Cafeteria -- n., A women's coffeehouse, where the clients drink coffee and cry.
Morass -- n., the mess you make when you can never have enough.
Gargoyle -- n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Bustard -- n., A very rude Metrobus driver.
Debentures -- n., false teeth bought on credit.
Nincompoop -- n., the military command responsible for battlefield sanitation.
Ineffable -- adj., describes someone you absolutely cannot swear in front of, such as the Queen Mum, or Martha Stewart.
Pontificate -- n., a document given to each graduating pope.
Seersucker -- n., an avid follower of Sydney Omarr, Serena Sabak, etc.
Coffee -- n., a person who is coughed upon.
Pimple -- n., a panderer's apprentice.
Discussion -- n., a Frisbee-related head injury.
Flatulence -- n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Hysteria -- n., the anguish caused by listening to low fidelity audio systems.
Peons -- n., service personnel who must endure the rabid tirades of angry customers.
Internet -- n., the web of interns in which Ken Starr has tried to snare Bill Clinton.
Balderdash -- n., a rapidly receding hairline.
Polarize -- n., a very cold look.
Brisket -- n., a straw container for a mohel's instruments.
Bluestockings -- n., a woman's term for unfulfilled sexual arousal.
Mausoleum -- n., floor covering used in crypts. Attractive from the top and bottom.
Cursive -- adj., sort of cursing, i.e., "Oh, fiddlesticks," or "H-E-double toothpicks."
Ozone -- n., area in which the G-spot is located.
Semantics -- n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
Rectitude -- n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Asterisk -- v., to inquire about the danger of a certain situation.
Buttress -- n., a long strand of derriere hair.
Lobster -- n., a slick-talking, oily, obnoxious person who represents special interest groups on Capitol Hill.
Foundling -- n., an apprehended child molester.
Amenorrhea -- n., excessive exaltations of the audience of some sleazy TV preacher.
Shadow -- n., a fish whose husband has died.
Macadam -- n., the first man on Earth, according to the Celtic bible.
Marionettes -- n., residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the mayor.
Abdicate -- v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Oyster -- n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent -- n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Filibuster -- v., to issue a command to a service station attendant.
Flattery -- n., a place that manufactures A and B cup brassieres only.
Testicle -- n., a humorous question on an exam.
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