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'Anaconda': Snakebit
By Desson Howe
Washington Post Staff Writer
April 11, 1997
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When we watch a horror movie, we are -- in a sense -- sitting for dinner. We savor the coming repast, as the movie (with the indulgence, but rarely the eloquence, of a head waiter) introduces us to the cast -- the collective catch of the day.
We don bibs as we assess each character’s dim chances of survival. It’s usually thumbs-down for the obnoxious, the promiscuous and the black. The lucky ones are usually the innocents, the irreducibly pure, and in some cases, those actors who also executive-produced the movie.
But this is one meal we watch rather than eat. The actual gorging is done by the monster of the moment, whether it’s a shark, an alien, Freddy Krueger or -- in the case of "Anaconda" -- a snake.
Make that a 40-foot animatronic snake, a special-effects sucker that can leap through the air and drape you in coils faster than you can say "Michelin Man." It sucks you down like human sushi. Then, as the opening titles inform us, it likes to regurgitate its prey -- just so it can eat the victim twice. Holy human hairball, Batman, what’s the scientific term for such a creature, serpentus bulimicus? And while we’re at it, what’s the Latin for "slither away from this movie while you can"?
In the story, by Hans Bauer, Jim Cash and Jack Epps Jr., anthropologist Steven Cale (Eric Stoltz) leads a documentary film unit into the Amazon to record the elusive "people of the mist." I’m not referring to residents of London. I mean the never-before-photographed Shirishama Indians. Cale’s crew consists of director Terri Flores (Jennifer Lopez), cameraman Danny Rich (Ice Cube), sound mixer Gary Dixon (Owen Wilson), production manager Denise Kalberg (Kari Wuhrer) and a neurotic British narrator named Warren Westridge (Jonathan Hyde). Also along for the ride is boat pilot Mateo (Vincent Castellanos). Everyone looks potentially expendable.
Their fate changes for the doomed when they run into stranded Paraguayan wayfarer Paul Sarone (Jon Voight), a priest-turned-snake hunter. With serpentine cunning, intimidation and a revolver, he assumes command of the riverboat and leads them into the darkest lair of the giant anaconda.
The story is useless, of course; there’s nothing distinctive about it in the least. But is it scary? That’s the big question. It depends on where you stand on obviously fake snakes. The illusion of a dynamic, scaly monster is attempted with an impressive array of animatronics, computer-generated imagery and shots of real snakes. But we’re struck by the snake’s artificiality rather than its believability. "Anaconda" feels like "Alien" as directed by Jim Henson. And the suspense is restricted to mundane slasher-movie tactics, including the frequent use of a mobile camera (call it the ’condacam) that’s supposed to represent the snake’s point of view.
There is some wit about the production: Voight’s performance is kind of fun to watch. With his slimy nature, furtive eyes and evil agenda, he’s clearly playing an upright snake. And Ice Cube, who’s always good for a sour comment or two, mumbles some moderately funny one-liners. There is also one very, uh, special jungle-dining moment that’s saved for the sardonic end. But, if a movie’s most salient feature has to do with reptilian hurling, you should probably pass on this vicarious dining opportunity.
ANACONDA (PG-13) —
Contains violence, profanity and minor sexual situations. No animals were harmed during filming, although some human careers were strangled.
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