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'Ravenous' Ghoulash
(Serves No One)

By Michael O'Sullivan
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, March 19, 1999

  Movie Critic

Guy Pearce stars in "Ravenous." (20th Century Fox)

Antonia Bird
Guy Pearce;
Robert Carlyle;
Jeremy Davies;
Jeffrey Jones;
John Spencer;
Stephen Spinella;
Neal McDonough;
David Arquette
Running Time:
1 hour, 40 minutes
Contains gore, flesh eating, silly hand-to-hand fighting and naked buttocks
This recipe for a half-baked stew of cannibalism and comedy set in a 19th-century Sierra Nevada army fort comes from the international kitchen of British director Antonia Bird ("Priest") and first-time American screenwriter Ted Griffin.

2 hot dogs (Robert Carlyle, Guy Pearce)
6 medium nuts (David Arquette, Jeremy Davies, Jeffrey Jones, John Spencer, Stephen Spinella, Neal McDonough)
1 heaping tablespoon "Dracula"-flavored gore
"F Troop" brand loopiness and "Lethal Weapon"-style combat to taste

Dress hot dogs in 1847 cavalry uniforms. Stuff one (Carlyle) with the flesh of five human beings, deboned in a cave during a treacherous winter mountain crossing. Place next to hero (Pearce). Sprinkle liberally with Weendigo, a spicy American Indian myth about absorbing your enemy's strength by eating him (sold in ethnic groceries under "poppycock"). Toss together with supporting cast of wild nuts. Note: flavor of nuts will disappear during cooking process. Insert bouquet garni suggesting that entire dish is a metaphor for insatiable American jingoism or suitable substitute nonsense; remove immediately. Bake at low heat for 100 minutes or until barely done. Do not be concerned if laughter trickles out of the scary parts or boredom creeps into the funny parts; this is to be expected. Remove from oven. Discard.

© Copyright 1999 The Washington Post Company

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