‘Toy Soldiers’ (R)

If your teenage sons are looking for heroes, send them to "Toy Soldiers." Even if they're not, send them anyway. They'll probably enjoy watching a judge being thrown out of a helicopter.

Too bad the judge didn't take the script with him. Most reasoning adults will probably reject this far-fetched clash between American preppies and Colombian terrorists. Imagine the makers of "Die Hard" giving "Dead Poets Society" an Uzi-pumped, R-rated boost. Actually, it's worse. Debuting director Daniel Petrie Jr. produced "Turner & Hooch." Suffice it to say, "Soldiers" is the most ludicrous movie to come along in, oh, two to three weeks.

The soldiers in question are the well-heeled, underachieving students of a Northeastern prep school. These black-sheep sons spend their time avoiding work and confounding dean Louis Gossett Jr. It's going to take a gang of armed South American terrorists to help them achieve their potential.

A Colombian drug lord has been extradited to the United States and his psychotic son (Andrew Divoff) has vowed to rescue him. Divoff's the guy, by the way, who tosses a judge from the skies. With a gang of cartel henchmen, he blasts his way across the U.S. border, then invades the Regis School. His plan is to take the judge's son hostage. But the American government has already removed the boy from danger. So Divoff and Co. decide to hold the entire student body hostage until their demands are met.

The key students have already been introduced to us in bite-sized vignettes. Wily ring leader Sean Astin is big on practical jokes, late-night 976 calls and vodka peddling. Nice-guy Keith Coogan has an asthmatic cough. His hacking will, of course, figure later. Resentful offspring Wil Wheaton sports an earring and hates his underworld dad. George Perez, a muscular fellow, always has his shirt off.

When the bad guys take over, they wire the school with explosives, with the triggering device strapped to Divoff's arm. Two sentries with major weaponry stay posted on the roof. And there are head counts every hour. Astin and his fellow peach-fuzzers have to come up with a plan to short-sheet the Colombians' plans and link up with the FBI and special forces poised around the premises.

For sullen-faced Divoff, who suggests a Latino messiah in a very bad mood, "Soldiers" looks like the continuation of an industrious career. He was the heavy in "Another 48 HRS.," and he looks set for all kinds of movie duke-outs with Bruce Willis, Steven Seagal, Chuck Norris and Mr. RoboCop. All they gotta do is call.