‘Toys’ (PG-13)

"Toys" is a misguided missive from director Barry Levinson about an attempted military coup at a whimsically run toy factory. Featuring a furious final showdown between tiny armored tanks and waddling wind-up toys, it's a dazzling but ditzy kiddie epic, a kind of "Tonka! Tonka! Tonka!"

Intended as a cautionary tale for the Nintendo generation, this inane anti-war fantasy opens on a deceptively paradisiacal scene -- a magical Christmas celebration for the eccentric staff of Zevo Toys and their smiling children. Young ballerinas pirouette as daintily as snowflakes in a miniature replica of Central Park, where fuzzy reindeer graze. To the trilling of carolers, Santa's elves in tiny planes drop parachutes bearing old-fashioned, nonviolent presents. There isn't an inkling that all too soon, the reindeer will lie dying, their stuffing scattered on the factory floor, the light gone out in their button eyes.

What next? "Barbie in Bondage"?

A disastrous meeting of "Dr. Strangelove" and "Willy Wonka," this odd film pits Leslie Zevo (Robin Williams), the daft son of Zevo's ailing founder, against his wicked uncle, Gen. Leland Zevo (Michael Gambon). On his deathbed, Kenneth Zevo (Donald O'Connor) bequeaths the management of his company to his brother in hopes the resultant clash of ideals will force Leslie to finally grow up.

Kenneth is still warm in his grave when the mad Gen. Zevo begins his fascistic reign of terror with the help of his son Patrick (rapper LL Cool J). A specialist in counterespionage, Patrick installs elaborate snooping devices throughout the plant, and with a team of handpicked storm troopers introduces the concept of paranoia to the once-happy workers. Bored by the novelty items and squeezable fun that are Zevo specialties, the general hits on the idea of manufacturing war toys -- video-directed tanks and choppers with real destructive capabilities, which he pitches to the Pentagon as "a military you can afford." What's worse, he's training tykes to operate them.

At first, Leslie is no match for Gen. F.A.O. Schwarzkopf. Played with childlike stupefaction by Williams, the gentle Leslie pads about the brightly colored factory in a daze. (He was born in a bumper car and, judging from his actions, apparently suffered some brain damage.) Distracted by Zevo's line of impressive novelty items -- a smoking jacket that makes its own smog, a cut-crystal dribble goblet and walking deviled eggs -- he is oblivious to the many ominous signals that something is wrong. Indeed, by the time he and his oddball younger sister (Joan Cusack) uncover their uncle's devious plan, it is almost too late to prevent the ultimate perversion of childhood joy and innocence. Oh, my.

The screenplay, which Levinson and Valerie Curtin wrote 12 years ago, is doubtless even more relevant now with the cutbacks in defense spending. All those unemployed saber-rattlers. But it's also a whiny and simplistic indictment of the military even for a children's movie (if that's what this thing is). A decidedly gorgeous film designed by "The Last Emperor's" Ferdinando Scarfiotti, it is far more sophisticated visually, with its scattered references to Magritte and Mondrian, than it is thematically.

Frankly, there are more profound thoughts to be had in the aisles of the Toys R Us, amid the GI Joes -- who are, after all, only the descendants of yesterday's toy soldiers.

"Toys" is rated PG-13 for violence.