Bargain Bahamian By Andrea Sachs Special to The Washington Post Wednesday, April 26, 2000

The hot tub at the Bahamia resort. Photo by Andrea Sachs

For that trifling sum, I flew south, found a nice spot in the sun and wasn't asked to move until checkout. Granted, the hotel was a bit on the tenant housing side, the beach was scruffy, and nightly entertainment was a thong contest -- but none of that mattered, really. I was soaking up the Caribbean warmth while all of D.C. was soaking in a cold rain.

Grand Bahama Vacations offers a late-night, two-hour flight from BWI to Grand Bahama Island and three nights at the Resort at Bahamia for $330. My total, including dining and a tour, was about $400 (had I gone all-inclusive, the price would have been closer to $500). So, for such a deal, I was hardly fazed when our plane landed after midnight and we disembarked on a dark, empty tarmac in the drizzle. Nor was I too surprised when we were told to queue up in the airport lounge to collect our hotel keys. These quirks were harmless, just part of the McTour.

The Bahamia cuts corners. The resort, in Freeport, does not have an on-site beach. I did not see a drop of ocean for more than a day, which made me wonder if I had accidentally flown to Cairo. There is a pool but no aquatic toys, just bridges you can swim under. Luggage storage is at your own risk. And the rooms are basic: two double beds, a sink and mirror outside the bathroom, cable TV with Miami stations and water pipes that creak in the morning like a rusty reveille. Rooms with carpeting and a table with chairs cost a bit more. Thankfully, I was never indoors long enough even to buy a postcard, much less need a table to write one on.

The pink-facaded resort, which could double as Mary Kay cosmetics headquarters, was also a nightmare for poor navigators like me. Many times I literally walked around in circles searching for my room (the pool and bar are ringed by 565 of them), and once I accidentally walked in on a solemn meeting on child abuse.

But to its credit, the Bahamia faithfully subscribes to the tropical-vacation triad: sunning, shopping, consuming. By day, I lounged at the pool, moving from chair to chair with the regularity of a sun dial. The hot tub stays open around the clock, and many take advantage of this. Just ask Dwayne, whom I met on my first day (his last). A Roanoke resident who flew down with 18 bartenders, waitresses and others who all frequent the same bar, Dwayne said he'd slept only eight of his 72 hours at the Bahamia, spending most nights in the hot tub. The cleaning crew made him leave at 6 a.m.

The hotel does offer free shuttles to two beaches, Xanadu and Island Seas. I hopped the half-hourly bus to Xanadu, despite being warned that it was a dirty sandbox overrun by local hair beaders and braiders. Yet I was solicited only once, by a woman toting a lavender toolbox. As for the state of the beach, well, it had its share of cigarette butts and bottles, but who was looking down when you could look out, all the way to the horizon, at bands of celadon and sky-blue. By late afternoon I had the beach to myself, except for a table of local women who were too busy eating Kentucky Fried Chicken and gossiping to notice me.

The most stunning beaches, however, are southeast at Lucayan, which I discovered on a half-day tour offered by the hotel. (The activities desk lists excursions ranging from a city bus tour that explores the residential, industrial and commercial neighborhoods, to kayak trips, to a sunset bonfire and buffet. I chose the $30 national park and cave tour, 42 acres of coral terrain that was as sun-baked as an Arizona desert. Following our leader, Junior, we trotted in duckling formation along the well-worn path, past violet morning glories, orange orchids and copses of pine trees. Junior led us to the watery depths of one of dozens of caves in which Indians had fished and buried their dead. Though much of the six-mile labyrinth is hidden from sight to all but divers, we entered through the hole left by a 10,000-year-old banyan tree. In the dimness, gray snappers leapt for Wonder Bread crumbs and palm-size bats swooped and swirled overhead.

Our next stop was Lucayan Beach, which has miles of uninterrupted honey-gold sand, with nary a hotel or conch shell stand in sight. The Lucayan resort, just 10 minutes by bus from the Bahamia, has a sliver of this sandy strip on its property. The resort is everything the Bahamia isn't, and it opens its rarefied world for all to see and enjoy.

Returning to the Bahamia after a day of quietude, in fact, required a slight mindset adjustment. Speakers blared easy-listening reggae, the nine restaurants were filling and the drinks flowing, especially among the all-inclusive types. Additional activity could be found at the casino and International Bazaar, just across a traffic circle on which locals drive American cars in the British manner. The bazaar offers shopping for all tastes, from outdoor stalls selling $10 monogrammed straw baskets to a Gucci shop with $400 sandals, and eating options of all flavors, from Chinese to Subway. There is also a smattering of nightclubs, including Club 2000, which promoted a thong contest -- but was empty, except for two waitresses who were paid to be there. It seemed all the action was back at the Bahamia.

Sure enough, there all my fellow bargain-beachcombers were -- hot tubbing, drinking Miami Vices (a slushy parfait of pina colada and strawberry daiquiri) and dancing to the Sunglows, a Caribbean-style Commodores. Listening to "Margaritaville" for the umpteenth time, I settled down on the outdoor patio, tan and rested in my final hours, and watched the midnight shift of newcomers shuffle by.

Grand Bahama Vacations (1-800-545-1300, www.grandbahamavacations.com) offers a three-night package deal starting at $330 per person (or four nights for about $120 more), tax included; all trips include two-hour round-trip flights on Tuesdays or Fridays from BWI, hotel accommodations and transfers. For all-inclusive, add $164 and $254, respectively. The resort, comprising a country club and towers ($30 extra for the high rise), has nine restaurants, two golf courses, tennis courts, a casino and nightly entertainment, ranging from the Goombaya native show to a ventriloquist. The International Bazaar, on the same side of the rotary as the towers, offers a host of dining and shopping options. A visit to the Lucayan resort (800-LUCAYAN) is a must. The hotel is undergoing a three-phase expansion but is still impressive with its elegant beach, Sugar Mill waterslide, basketball court and whimsical restaurant and lobby. A marina and commercial center with duty-free shops and a local crafts marketplace are across the way. You can take the public bus from the Bahamia for $1.50 round trip.

The harrowing results of "Escapes Trivia" Contest #8:

Name the oldest, continuously occupied street in the Western Hemisphere, we asked. While we had an answer in mind when we blithely wrote it, however, our faith in Web sites and tourism agencies has since withered. With historical acumen and powerful search engines, you found many contenders to the claim: New Mexico's Acoma Pueblo, at 850 years old, is the "oldest continuously occupied settlement in the U.S." (though its streets are unnamed). St. Augustine, Fla., begun in 1595, calls itself "the oldest continuously occupied European settlement on the continent." The "first street ever built in the Americas" was Calle de las Damas in Santo Domingo. And so on.

In the spirit of inclusion, anyone who mentioned one of the these places (or several other reasonable contenders) was thrown into the hat. Out came: Erica Petacchi of Arlington, who wondered, rightly, how we could go with Philadelphia's much-publicized Elfreth Alley (occupied since 1728 and our original choice) when the stone houses of Huguenot Street in New Paltz, N.Y., were clearly built before 1720. We are sending Petacchi her copy of "Escape Plans." We are hoping to hear from the ultimate historian, or at least a federal tourism claim arbiter.

Meantime, Contest #9 has only one correct answer. Honest.

At which recently restored New York City restaurant can you dine next to a 15-foot revolving aquarium that's shaped like a dancing bear and filled with sturgeon?

Deadline for Contest #9 entries is 10 a.m. Monday, May 1. Send entries by email (escapist@washpost.com; put the phrase "Escapes Trivia" in the subject field), fax (202-334-1069) or U.S. mail (Escapes Trivia, Washington Post Travel section, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071). Winners, chosen at random from among correct entries, will receive a copy of The Post's "Escape Plans" getaway guide, or other prizes to be announced. One entry per person per contest. Employees of The Post are ineligible to win prizes. Entries become the property of The Post, which reserves the right to edit, distribute or republish them in any form, including electronically.