The Washington PostDemocracy Dies in Darkness

Miss Manners: Is it normal to be invited and disinvited to a wedding in the same envelope?

Placeholder while article actions load

Dear Miss Manners: We understand that during the pandemic, plans had to change and weddings had to be postponed. However, what is the protocol for disinviting people who received “Save the Date” cards for the original wedding in 2020, but who will not be invited to the rescheduled event?

In the mail, we received a formal invitation for the rescheduled black-tie affair, but included in the same envelope was another card. It read as follows: “In light of the current circumstances and state restrictions, we must limit our guest count. Please accept our apologies. We will miss you and know we are together in spirit.”

Is it normal to send both the official invitation and the disinvitation in the same mailing? Instead, shouldn’t it have been a wedding announcement after the fact? It is a little confusing and curious. Inquiring minds want to know what Miss Manners would say in this situation!

That it is double the insult to draw further attention to what a disinvited guest will be missing. An announcement after the fact would, Miss Manners agrees, have been far more gracious.

Dear Miss Manners: Can you just ask everyone to please leave a toilet plunger by their toilets?

I think I must have an unusually strong toilet at home, while some of my friends have weak ones. I never seem to clog the toilet at home, but always do at other people’s houses.

It is so embarrassing to ask someone where their toilet plunger is. Do I sneak around the house looking for one rather than ask? Do I wait until dinner is over, if dinner is in progress? Do I try to lure my host into a separate room to speak privately?

Everybody, please, can you keep a toilet plunger by the toilet, or at least in a closet inside your bathroom? Then you’ll never have to talk to me about plungers again.


Dear Miss Manners: A woman in my neighborhood was recently horrified and heartbroken when she witnessed a coyote taking away her cat. I understand the trauma this caused. However, I had to applaud the wisdom of nature.

I had been equally aghast when that cat crushed one, then another, then a third hummingbird right outside the window where I enjoy my morning coffee. Fortunately, my coffee cup was in the saucer or I would have lost it.

I know there is plenty of evidence that loose cats kill numerous birds each year. This is not nature; it’s irresponsible people imposing their pet preferences on the rest of us and the birds.

Because nature has taken its course, Miss Manners trusts you will now go against yours and be kind to this woman when you see her. She has lost her cat to the circle of life — and your theory about nature’s morality probably won’t ease the pain.

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

©2022, by Judith Martin