Dear Carolyn: My sibling got married during covid restrictions. They had a 200-person wedding. Due to my job, it was very much not okay for me to attend, but my mother demanded it. I attended the ceremony only and was the only person in a mask.
I am now being told I have to include their toddler. I am paying for this wedding and I am not a child person to begin with; why do I need to have a wedding I do not want?
— Burned Out
Burned Out: You don’t.
You also didn't “need to” attend your sibling's 200-person covid bath. You could have refused and accepted the fallout.
And you don't “need to” listen to your mother's complaints about your wedding. You can counter with a measured, “I'm sorry to hear that,” and change the subject, end the conversation, leave the room, make a Bugs Bunny-style hole in the drywall as you run screaming from the room.
Your two family weddings have revealed a lot about your family system. I imagine not much of it is new, since you've lived it your whole life; it's just all on display in one place now, alongside the various emotional consequences for you.
How you respond to this display is entirely your choice; you don't “need to” do anything. You can finesse it, fight it, cave, elope, stand firm, return the cash, evolve calmly in your own direction.
What I strongly recommend you do regardless, though, is think carefully about who you are, what your values are, what you and your fiancé believe in, how important it feels to stand up for these things, and how intense a crapstorm you're willing to weather to do that.
Your mom and sister can “demand” all they want. It's still up to you whether you comply. Even if you opt to cave across the board, then make it your choice, not theirs.
The first time or three that you choose not to comply with their demands, though, expect them to make things extremely uncomfortable for you, and have a plan to get through it. They're accustomed to pushing you around — quite — and they're not going to like it one bit when they watch you develop a spine. But they'd be suffering the loss of something to which they were never entitled in the first place: the last word in how you live your life.
So maybe instead of a complained-about, boycotted event that you’re 90 percent stuck paying for, think of your wedding as the deeply personal beginning of you. Start your family, your way, with my warmest congratulations.
Oh — and one more thing, more for readers than for you. I didn’t center my answer on the kids/no-kids thing at weddings because it’s not relevant. There are many ways to host a beautiful, meaningful celebration, but there is only one way to be a good guest: graciously. Your sister has chosen to be an ungracious guest. Providing sitters is a more than generous way to accommodate guests with young kids.