Over the years, I've found myself privately wishing they'd get divorced. I have witnessed him flipping out at my friend over something that wasn't my friend's fault; and she's even said, “God, he's controlling.” He is what I would call tightly wound.
My question is, how do I know if I truly wish for my friend’s happiness regardless of what I think of her choices; or whether I just have a desire to be “right?” Do you have a formula?
— Wishing
Wishing: I typed out a whole complicated answer, then deleted it. Just be there for your friend. Tell her you’ll take her calls 24/7. And if she says, “God, he’s controlling,” respond with, “I’ve wondered — what do you think you’ll do? Perfect world.” Ask her what she thinks, does, plans to do about the problem. What she’d like from you. Be patient, and be the place she can talk. Pay attention to how she’s doing. Use the National Domestic Violence Hotline for more guidance. www.thehotline.org
Dear Carolyn: My daughter is 15 and has her first serious boyfriend, a high school classmate. Whole family likes him to an appropriate degree. Like, he is not “the son I never had,” and I do not relate to him like a future in-law, but I think he’s a nice kid and am glad my daughter is cutting her teeth on a relationship with someone who is kind to her.
My daughter is lately feeling really bad because she's been developing an interest in someone else in her orbit — a neighbor of ours who's about a year older and goes to a different school. She has shared with me that she feels like a bad girlfriend because she is more excited to talk to this other kid than to her boyfriend. She feels so guilty; she feels like she's cheating.
It seems to me that she is losing interest in the boyfriend; the puppy love has run its course (I don't use that term when I talk to her). I believe this is what the teenage years should be like, and would much rather see her explore and meet new people than get tied to this one boy forever through inertia and convenience.
Do I just let it run its course? Is there some way to help message this to her, that it’s okay to fall out of love with a first boyfriend, without being condescending?
— Oh, Sweetie
Oh, Sweetie: She: I feel like a bad girlfriend because I am more excited to talk to this other kid than to my boyfriend.
You: Yeah, that's all normal. I'm sorry. What do you think you'll do?
She: [Some version of “I don’t know,” or, “Stay because he’s my boyfriend.”]
You: It's okay to wait to see how you feel. What would you want him to do if he started falling for someone else? How would you want to be treated?
Questions are your friend. They’re firm guidance, in their way, yet not incompatible with letting things run their course.