Miss Manners: Former college friends exclude one from trips

Dear Miss Manners: I went to college with a great bunch of guys. We all lived in a fraternity house. Then, my junior year — sophomore year for some of them — we moved into a school dorm. After graduation, we all became professionally successful.

Several years ago, I started getting emails from members of the group bragging about the wonderful trips they had taken. I would have liked these trips, but I was not included. At the same time, I was “invited” to attend political fundraisers for their favored candidates, which I did, contributing my own funds.

When I asked why I had not been included in the various trips, I was told that they had bonded and formed a really close-knit group in the year after I graduated. They said the question of inviting me on these trips had come up, and several members of the group had decided that they did not want to.

I decided to cut my ties with these guys, both socially and political fundraising-wise. Now, one of them says he cannot understand why I have decided not to socialize with them or attend their fundraisers anymore. My response is that they made that decision easy: If I’m not worthy of being included in their social events, then that’s their decision. I have other real friends with whom I socialize.

What do you think? Is there some rule of etiquette or manners involved here that I have violated?

It is a bit late to be worried about etiquette, isn’t it?

Explaining that you only socialize with actual friends was an unnecessary insult, but almost civil after what led up to it. It was rude of them to brag to you about trips on which you were not invited. It was rude of you to ask why you were not invited. It was rude of them to tell you that you were not welcome.

Note the two things that did not make Miss Manners’ list: choosing whom to invite (or not invite) on a trip, and your choosing with whom to socialize.

Dear Miss Manners: My wife and I are retired, and we live in an area where residents put out their recycling and trash bins at the curb one day each week.

Sometimes we can’t get all of our recyclables or trash into our bins. Is it okay to put some of ours into the bins of our neighbors without asking them? Often, no one is home to ask, since they’ve already left for the day. It seems like it wouldn’t cause them any harm.

No, you have to ask. The harm Miss Manners foresees is to neighborly relations when the owner feels trespassed upon.

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

© 2023 Judith Martin