Dear [Lady Name],
Happy International Women’s Day, ladies! ROAR! (That was a female lion, by the way!)
We at Corporation are so pleased to honor women and their accomplishments, which is why today with every purchase of $78 or more (get it? You get it! Women are just as smart as men, probably WAY smarter) we will send you a limited edition pink make-up tote bag that says SHEMART, a lip-stain called Nasty, a bottle of Jane Walker (like Johnny, but for her!) and a Barbie doll that doubles the number of distinct eyebrows that Frida Kahlo had and makes her feet much, much smaller than they were. Don’t worry — significant historical women from the past can be made to conform to impossible beauty standards, too.
But that’s not all. Today, you will notice that our mascot, an oil well stabbing three charismatic megafauna to death, is now very clearly female. You can tell because SHE is wearing lipstick. Could it be Nasty [Female Winking Emoji]? I don’t know! She’ll never tell [Female Winking Emoji].
[That Emoji of Two Women in Black I Guess In-Line Skating Together, I’ve Never Been Clear on What They’re Supposed To Be Doing]
[That Emoji of the Girl in the Red Dress Dancing] [Some Fingernails Being Painted] [Some Queens]
Some people see us as a large, cynical corporation focused only on our bottom line that wants to reap benefits from doing lip service to feminism without putting in the work, and to them we say: Look, we have lit up Mount Rushmore so that it is now pink! And what’s that? Yes: We have been so bold as to DECORATE THIS STATUE OF A FEMALE INVENTOR with a stirring floral cape. Hey, it’s no Replacing Colonel Sanders with a Female Colonel Sanders, or flipping the M for McDonald’s into a W for Womcdonalds, but — it’s our little way of sticking it to the man! (Our board of directors is 100 percent men, and we have no plans for this ever to change.)
Others complain that women are not a monolith. They are just people, and this is embarrassing. To them we say: Whoa, is that a pink hat on the Washington Monument? Really makes you think.
Here is a video we made where we put eight conventionally attractive women in front of a mirror and told them to ignore society: They were beautiful. (They are all wearing Ain’t I a Woman, our new concealer, inspired by Sojourner Truth, and made by a man named Tucker using bees. Beehives have a female in charge, which is empowering [Bee Emoji]. MayBEE they know a thing or two we don’t! [Female Winking Emoji]. The profits don’t benefit women of color in any way.)
You’ll weep when you see what Calvin Coolidge would have looked like if he hadn’t been Calvin Coolidge at all and had been, in fact, Gal Gadot.
Act now to show the man that he’s not the boss of YOU, and we will send you a pink tote bag with a children’s book called “Girls Who Roared,” tiny pink shorts for your 2-year-old that say STOP OBJECTIFYING ME on the butt, and also a doll of Ruth Bader Ginsburg that has feet so tiny they are not discernible to the naked eye. And eight pounds of chocolate. We know that women are all individuals who want different things, and we’ve definitely met a woman.
Today, we celebrate what you are to us: not a woman, but a consumer!