April 1, 2016 at 3:49 PM
Today is April 1, i.e., April Fools' Day, i.e., the worst day of the entire year for anyone trying to cover news on the Internet. This year, as has happened before and will happen again, an overwhelming number of hoaxes, jokes and pranks escape onto the Web, using the cover of the terrible holiday to try to win a little bit of attention for their creators.
Sure, there are some April Fools' pranks that are good. But most of them are bad. To illustrate this, we are collecting as comprehensive a list as we can of all the hoaxes from 2016's April Fools' Day.
We've placed an angry person flipping a table ( (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻) next to all of the cheating, shameful pranks that launched before April 1. Shaaaame.
This list will be updated through the day. If you see any we've missed, please let us know.
1. You cannot buy this Lunar Watch (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
2. Esurance will not sell you "election insurance" in case you decide to leave the country after the elections. (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
3. Just probably don't trust any of your "friends" who offer to pick you up in a Lyft. (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
4. An obscure mattress company is not selling a "flower bed" that grows implanted seeds. (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
5. TVs still do not come in aerosol cans. (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
6. A call center employee will not narrate movies to you if you're running late to the theater. (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
7. An online art store did not surface a long-lost interview with Pablo Picasso.
8. A men's subscription service is not genetically resurrecting extinct animal species in order to make jerky from them. (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
9. The HR software start-up Gusto isn't going to start supporting benefits for dogs.
10. iRobot and Zumba are not partnering on a Roomba that will play you dance music while it works. (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
11. No matter what app you buy him, your dog will still never know how to code.
12. ThinkGeek is, as always, not selling all the products it claims.
13. Lexus didn't make a high-performance Velcro car seat.
15. Google won't use a parachute to deliver packages.
16. Google isn't making an "actual reality" headset.
17. Adobe doesn't have a secret "Ansel Adams masterpiece" feature. (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
18. Zipcar will not start using selfies to match its customers with cars
19. Amsterdam isn't getting a self-driving bicycle.
20. OpenTable won't let people preview restaurant food by licking their phones.
21. GrubHub is not launching Grüber, a ride-sharing service that allows people to hitch a ride with a food delivery driver.
22. The Space Salt thing is fake.
23. You can't hire people to read to your cat on Groupon
24. Pornhub's homepage is not now Cornhub.
25. Come onnnnn, Richard Branson. (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
26. Royal Caribbean will not sell cruises to space. That doesn't even make sense.
27. Mark Zuckerberg is not collaborating with H&M on a new line of gray T-shirts.
28. Trulia's new guide to avoiding hipster neighborhoods may be valid (!) but is also tongue-in-cheek.
29. Speaking of hipsters, Quilted Northern has not introduced "artisanal toilet paper" made from tree bark.
30. Google Maps' disco-dancing pegman is here for one day only.
31. Ansell Condoms has not started a recycling program.
32. Goodreads is not launching a literary magazine called "Lit!"
33. Hooters has not bought a private island on which its customers can objectify women in solitude.
34. Realtor.com is not selling (oddly expensive) homes for pets.
35. Pet brand Bags on Board has not debuted an "autonomous pet waste pickup robot."
36. Home and design site Houzz has not developed the world's first line of "interactive" furniture.
37. T-Mobile isn't releasing a headset that will let you watch videos literally all the time.
38. Duolingo has not invented a pillow that will teach you a language overnight.
39. The Smithsonian American History Museum (can we consider this a brand?) has not switched to a gross 1940s menu in its cafe.
40. Edible Arrangements is not launching a $20,000 gold-plated fruit bouquet.
41. Waffle House has not begun delivering.
42. Kars4Kids, a car-donation charity that benefits youth, will not trade you a child in exchange for your used vehicle.
43. Uncle Bob's Storage has not created a special storage room for you to take selfies in.
44. An online e-cigarette vendor has not developed a tongue ring you can vape with.
45. Tumblr's lizard election is (er, obviously) a joke.
46. Edutech company Chegg is not introducing puppy tutors, although TBH somebody should.
47. A British window-dressing company will not sell you a skirt made from literal blinds.
49. You cannot book a flight on Hipster Air, though its quinoa salads look delicious.
50. Showerhead manufacturer Waterpik isn't introducing a belt that holds your shampoo (?!).
51. The marketing agency Cramer has not invented an augmented reality device to help nervous public-speakers see their audience as cats.
52. There's not going to be a wooden yoga mat
53. Don't try to buy this fake bed bug-proof suit.
54. This hotel chain didn't launch a hotel room-sharing app.
55. Walking insurance is fake.
56. Google Australia can't help you search for your socks.
57. You can't get a student loan for pre-school from this company.
58. A travel agency isn't selling "homecation" and "workcation" vacation packages.
59. You can't buy a"Voucher Reality" headset.
60. 3D-printed clam chowder? No.
62. You can't by this fancy shirt with zip-off sleeves.
63. The Free Software Foundation is not suing Apple for trademark infringement. (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
64. Sbarro isn't launching pizza-scented candles.
65. YouTube isn't launching Snoopavision, a product developed by Snoop Dogg (but he is in their fake announcement video).
66. This clothing company isn't launching a T-rex line.
67. Lizardcoin isn't a new Bitcoin competitor.
68. This app is not coming to drown out your gross bathroom noises.
69. Lazerfi is not real.
70. Agrible isn't launching a "Mars report" for potato-growing astronauts.
71. A tool company isn't launching a craft beer line for electricians
73. Lululemon (specifically, in Tyson's Corner) isn't making a running short with a flap in the back.
74. Redbox isn't hiring "kiosk ambassadors" to sit inside their vending machines.
75. A dog-walking and boarding startup isn't going to start walking cats, too.
76. EgoBooster1337 isn't a real video game controller to make you feel better even if you're bad at video games.
77. RadioShack is not rebranding as RadioMansion.
78. Burger King isn't launching a Chicken Fries shake.
79. The maker of a Wi-fi router with parental control settings has not introduced a version for kids to control their parents.
80. An obnoxious new stock photography agency isn't selling "artisanal photography" on "the lives we really live."
81. The main factions in Assassin's Creed have not made peace.
82. Blizzard's "new" MMO for Hearthstone obviously already exists.
83. John Stamos' Netflix takeover is a one-day-only affair.
84. Sony has not actually developed the ghost-catching "Proton Pack" from Ghostbusters.
85. McDonald's hasn't launched a monthly subscription service.
86. Funny or Die has not been hacked by North Korea, though this is probably what it would look like if they were.
87. There is no "grammar and writing app" for dogs, because … DOGS CAN'T WRITE.
88. A wearable for books does not yet exist.
89. iFixit has not created a flame-retardant bag for exploding hoverboards, although that's possibly a good idea.
90. Burger King will not begin selling single, individually wrapped fries.
91. Krispy Kreme will not let you 3D-print a doughnut.
92. Virgin Airlines has not, alas, introduced an airline cabin just for kids.
93. McDonald's has not begun selling "McJuices" with nauseating names like "Filet-o-Fish Swish."
94. An Apple-accessory maker has not developed a flying speaker that follows you around.
95. White Castle will not launch a fleet of "Crave Copters" to deliver hamburgers by drone.
96. Carnival cruises remain limited to cruise ships.
97. McDonald's restaurants remain confined to planet Earth.
98. Samsung has not developed Internet-connected pants.
99. The phone-maker is also not reintroducing a vintage brick phone.
100. Imgur has not launched a sister site for pets to post goofy pictures of their humans.
101. The BBC is not creating its very own VHS store.
102. It is not literally Pimm's O'Clock, in London or anywhere else.
103. Dartmouth College's football team isn't training a "mobile virtual player."
104. Tool-maker Craftsman has not created a kitchen chainsaw.
105. You cannot actually talk to the pandas at the National Zoo. :(
106. Music-video app musical.ly is not bringing its "how to be cool" bootcamp to a city near you.
107. Google Fiber has not invented a teleportation device.
108. HR startup ZipRecruiter will not help babies find jobs.
109. Jamie Oliver did not actually bake a placenta into a pie. (We don't think.)
110. Kellogg's cereal has not debuted Frosted Flakes-flavored milk.
111. A cloud storage company is not launching a special service just for cat pictures.
112. This isn't Virgin's America's new logo (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
113. The New York Times isn't discontinuing its crossword puzzle. (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
114. This hotel app hasn't added a category for nude-friendly hotels.
115. 5-hour energy isn't launching a dog food brand.
116. You can't buy this floral paint.
117. Petco isn't selling lecterns for puppies and kitties who are running for President.
118. You can't really buy this contraption for shaking iced tea bottles.
119. Look at all these fake "dinosaur management" software options.
120. The Great Courses isn't offering a class on how to be a grownup.
121. StarKist tuna isn't replacing its mascot with a sawfish.
122. Hamburger Helper made a mixtape but isn't serious about it.
1. Car manufacturer Nissan is not launching a dating site.
2. Car blog CarGurus is ALSO not launching a dating site.
3. Neither is the online art store Canvas Pop (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
4. … nor is Hulu.
5. eHarmony, an actual dating site, is not expanding into animal matches.
6. Dating site Zoosk is not actually matching singles on their burrito-ordering preferences.
7. Plated is not launching a dating site, either.
8. Atlassian, the maker of Hipchat and other office software, has not created an uncomfortable business/dating hybrid app called "Teamder."
1. Jessica Lowndes and Jon Lovitz are not getting married (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
2. Trader Joe's is not closing all its stores by 2017 (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
3. Oxford Dictionaries did not add "autocorrek," "Instayam," "Obamacar," and "LOYO" to the dictionary
5. St. Petersburg's Hermitage museum has not trained a bunch of cats to do restoration work, and said cats are not headed to Palmyra.
6. Virginia Commonwealth University will not require students to get at least one tattoo.
7. Africa is still a continent, not a country.
8. Olivia Colman has not been cast to play the first female James Bond … unfortunately.
9. Albany, a city without Uber, is not actually getting the ride-share service this week.
10. Hillary Clinton will not be using a job app called WayUp to find her running mate.
11. The U.S. Army has not discovered how to teleport people.
12. Chris Christie is not resigning his governorship to become the new NFL commissioner.
13. The National Air and Space Museum has not begun breeding tribbles, because tribbles are fictional.
14. Archaeologists at Vanderbilt University have not discovered the skeleton of a 39-foot-tall squirrel.
15. Trump has not said he will seize office even if he "loses the Electoral College."
16. National Geographic will not stop publishing pictures of "nude animals."
17. Disney has not banned tattooed guests from its theme parks.
18. The University of Oregon is not building the world's "first LED football field."
19. Mattel did not buy the naming rights to Juneau, Alaska, and rename the city "Uno."
20. Zack Snyder is not directing a Star Wars spinoff
21. This guy at Mashable isn't really dead
22. Michael Vick wasn't attacked by a Pomeranian.
23. This Daily Caller story about "gender declaration parties" for teens is satire. (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
24. Pfizer isn't going to stop raising the prices of its drugs. (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
25. Jimmy Buffett did not endorse Donald Trump for president.
26. Hamilton isn't doing a free series of performances in a Brooklyn park this summer.
27. Donald Trump is not developing a 12th Finger Lake in upstate New York named "Lake Trump"
28 . The University of Minnesota's mascot isn't retiring
29. These are not new details about Disney's Star Wars theme park plans.
30. The Smithsonian Air and Space museum doesn't have live tribbles, and they're not livestreaming them.
31. Four hikers did not get stranded on floating ice in between the upper and lower peninsulas of Michigan.
32. A James Madison University bell ringer isn't retiring, no matter what this sentimental video says. (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
33. Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are not having a one-on-one debate.
34. There is not an active volcano under the Great Smoky Mountains.
35. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (you may know them as Mormons) is not constructing Starbucks inside its temples.
36. An endangered species of tortoise has not occupied Cliven Bundy's ranch.
37. George Takei and Cloris Leachman aren't starring in a new sitcom called "Friends with Government Benefits"
38. This review for a scary-sounding robot is about a fake robot.
39. The IRS commissioner isn't resigning and the IRS isn't crowdsourcing his replacement.
40. Hillary Clinton didn't say all these nice things about the Koch Brothers.
41. The webcomic artists who are accusing each other of plagiarism today are all in on the joke.
42. Berkeley Breathed has not taken over Calvin and Hobbes and revived the much beloved strip for 2016.
43. Philadelphia's mayor didn't get rhinoplasty.
44. UT-Austin didn't create a new efficiency task force.
45. The Theodore Roosevelt dam isn't going to become a giant statue of Teddy Roosevelt.
46. The Library and Archives Canada didn't acquire and de-classify Wolverine's records.
47. Bruce Campbell isn't the next Doctor
1. While this April Fools' tweet from the British Milk Council was excellent, the British Milk Council is not a real thing. (The real-life corollary is called the Dairy Council, and its Internet presence is far more boring.)
[This post was originally published at 7:18 a.m. on April 1, and has been updated multiple times]