Eat your vitamins, honey! They'll make you sexy. And don't forget your yeast, lecithin and sugar substitute.
It's Adelle Davis deceased high priestess of vitamins reincarnated, this time with a promise not only of vim, vigor and vitality, but a better sex life.
And according to Naura Hayden, the key to all the goodies is wrapped up in her dynamite milkshake. The promise of nirvana, the fountain of youth and who knows what else is found between the covers of the 180-page book she has written called "Everything You've Always Wanted To Know About Energy, But Were Too Weak To Ask" (Hawthorn Books, $5.95). Because it promises so much for so little, the book is enjoying good sales.
The author, a California-born actress and singer who has found the truth and seen the light, writes in a hip style that makes everything seem easily attainable. Vitamins are vites, cigarettes are ciggies. "Do you drink," she says, "much coffee to rev up your motor?" Does anxiety and depression "leave you limp as a noodle?"
At the same time, she speaks with a great deal of authority: Cankers sores are caused by tension; the dynamite milkshake cures acne; lecithin restores sexual powers; nucleic acids keep you young so eat a lot of seafood instead of meat; yeasts, calcium and magnesium relax you.
But the greatest curative, according to Hayden, is sex. It's the best and cheapest remedy for emotional stress, reduces cholesterol, reduces narrowing or coronary arteries, slows down the aging process and prevents importency.
In order to take advantage of a super sex life, Hayden says, you have to be in the best possible shape physically and mentally so you've got to take those vites and yeast.
Her milkshake contains skim milk, safflower oil, yeast and lecithin plus sugar substitute. (Will the FDA's announced ban on saccharin affect the sales of the book?) In addition to the milkshake, you have to take 40,000 units of Vitamin A a day (she takes 50,000), 5,000 units of Vitamin D (she takes 10,000); 4,000 milligrams of Vitamin C (she takes 10,000 mg and ups it to 80,000 mg if she feels a cold coming on); 800 units of Vitamin E (she takes 3,000); four heaping tablespoons of powdered yeast.
The amounts of Vitamin A and D recommended by Hayden, who also wrote "The Hip, High-Prote, Low-Cal Easy Does It Cookbook," could be dangerous since they are stored in the body fat. They accumulate and can be toxic. She dismisses this idea by noting that a seven-ounce portion of beef liver contains 106,000 units of Vitamin A, but she doesn't say what would happen if you ate seven ounces of liver every day.
The amount of yeast she suggests is probably unsafe for certain people. The end product is uric acid, which can build up in the gouty arthritis. It can also be harmful to infants and to people with kidney or liver ailments because of its high protein content.
If you don't kill yourself in the process, with the magic milkshake and megavitamin therapy, and get yourself in good physical shape as Hayden suggests, then you can concentrate on the psyche. You practice self-hypnosis psyching yourself.
Then you get yourself a strong healthy ego, which can be accomplished, it would seem, by simply changing your name, at least if your name is Bernie Schwartz.
Hayden says actor Tony Curtis, when he was Bernie Schwartz, "wasn't too thrilled with himself.
"As soon as the studio changed his name to Jimmy Curtis he liked himself a little better; and then when he changed it to Tony Curtis, his whole self-image changed.
"So, if you don't like something about yourself, change it."
She makes it sound so easy and she guarantees it will work right there in print:
"Dear Everybody, I hereby guarantee that if you drink my milkshake everyday you will feel enormous improvement in every area of your physical being. You will be more energetic, less anxious and depressed, your skin will improve, you will be better able to cope with any problem and you will feel better than you've ever felt in your entire life."
Only one problem: There's no money-back guarantee.*