Q: Why is there an energy shortage?
A: Because not enough dinosaurs died so they could rot and make oil to last us beyond the year 2040.
Q: Why don't we raise more dinosaurs and kill them and bury them in the ground so they will rot and provide oil for us?
A: Because the environmentalists won't let us kill dinosaurs. They are a protected species.
Q: What about foliage and other fossils? Why can't we bury them so we can have more oil?
A: It takes a billion years for vegetation and fossils to rot and turn into oil. Most people don't want to wait that long.
Q: What happened to all the oil we were supposed to get from Alaska that would make us independent of the Middle East?
A: That oil is going to be shipped to Japan and we will get the oil that Japan would ordinarily buy from the Middle East.
Q: Won't that make us more dependent on Middle East oil than we were before?
A: No comment.
Q: What does President Carter propose to do to solve the energy crisis?
A: Declare moral war on it.
Q: How do you fight a moral war?
A: By taxing people who use gasoline. He expects to raise the price of gasoline by 5 cents per gallon until people use less of it.
Q: Won't that be a burden on people who need their automobiles to go to work?
A: They will get rebates providing they don't have gas-guzzling cars.
Q: How will I get my rebate?
A: By filling out IRS Energy Form 197876 listing your name, address, Social Security number, number of dependents, as described in Paragraph C. You will add the weight of the car to gallons of gas consumed, and then divide the total by the number of cylinders you have in your engine, and then multiply this figure by your earned income, making an allowance for state and city taxes as described on page eight of the amendef IRS Energy Form 1218, Article 3A. This figure will then be noted on page three, line 6B and subtracted from your date of birth on line 6C. Once the form is filed, no later than April 15, or unless you ask for an extension, under the IRS Energy Act S-304 you will receive a rebate of as much as $50 or pay a penalty of $200, which of course can be appealed.
Q: Will the oil companies benefit from the President's plan?
A: Only to the extent that they will receive as much money for their "new" oil as we are now paying the OPEC nations.
Q: Does this mean the price of gasoline will go up for the consumer"
A: Does the sun rise in the morning?
Q: What is a gas guzzler?
A: A gas guzzler is any car that gets less miles to the gallon than the car you own at the present.
Q: The Supreme Court just ruled that you could spank children in school. Does President Carter plan to spank people who drive gas guzzlers?
A: Not at the moment. But the Department of Energy has a standby plan in case its goals on the purchase of small cars are not met. They would set up a Government Spanking Bureau and before you would be permitted to buy a big car you would have to go there and get 20 whacks on your backside.
Q: There are some people who like to be spanked, and who might buy a big car just to get beaten. What will you do about them?
A: The government has their names in a computer, and if it finds out they bought a big car just to get spanked they will be refused the privilege and asked to pay an excise spanking tax instead.